This was what I saw when I walked into my SIL's bathroom...it was somewhat disturbing and very sweet at the same time.

The #1 Song at Birth

I looked what the #1 song was the day I was born HERE

It was Honey -- It's spooky to read these words....I'm e-mailing the lyrics to my biomom



Honey
Bobby Goldsboro

See the tree, how big it's grown but friend it hasn't been too long it wasn't big
I laughed at her and she got mad, the first day that she planted, it, was just a twig
Then the first snow came and she ran out to brush the snow away
So it wouldn't die
Came runnin' in all excited, slipped and almost hurt herself
And I laughed till I cried
She was always young at heart, kinda dumb and kinda smart and I loved her so
Once I surprised her with a puppy
Kept me up all Christmas Eve two years ago
And it would sure embarrass her
When I came in from workin' late 'cause I would know
That she'd been sittin' there and cryin'
Over some sad and silly late, late show

And honey, I miss you and I'm bein' good
And I'd love to be with you if only I could

She wrecked the car and she was sad
And so afraid that I'd be mad but what the heck
Though I pretended hard to be
Guess you could say she saw through me and hugged my neck
I came home unexpectedly and caught her cryin' needlessly
In the middle of a day
And it was in the early Spring when flowers bloom and robins sing
She went away

And honey, I miss you and I'm bein' good
And I'd love to be with you if only I could

One day while I was not at home while she was there and all alone
The angels came
Now all I have is memories of Honey and I wake up nights and call her name
Now my life's an empty stage where Honey lived and Honey played
And love grew up
And a small cloud passes overhead and cries down on the flower bed
That Honey loved

And see the tree how big it's grown but friend it hasn't been too long it wasn't big
And I laughed at her and she got mad
The first day that she planted it, was just a twig

A Big Thank you

I sent a thank you card to my biodad today. He sent that duck picture and book for Christmas for J and I was touched by it's deeper meaning. I thanked them for being kind and gracious to us even though it was strange circumstances that brought us all together. He wrote back and said he loved us and his son asked for my e-mail so he could correspond. I wrote back that I didn't mind at all and I think we really clicked the first time we met (just wrote yesterday how much we had in common.)
Then he sent me a card tha read
I think of you three often and marvel at how a mistake I made in my youth turned into something wonderful!
Isn't that sweet?

Nature vs. Nurture

It's so strange what is picked up and what is genetic. My half brother and I have the same sense of humor. It was so weird the first time we met we really just clicked. We just joke back and forth so easily and I think it freaked out my biodad. He is so sweet and really cares about me, he asks his dad all the time about me and the baby. Is it wrong to say he's gorgeous too? Of course I got some of that--haha.
I have more similarities with my biodad's family than with my biomom's clan. My biodad's side and I all love rasberry and sour things....and my half sister and I have a weird thing about not letting anyone else use our pillow. AND----we seperate our foods - they cannot touch.

Now, on the other hand....I also have my Adad's walk and much of his sense of humor. I have a lot of my Amom's manerisms and everyone says I look so much like her.
strange.............

Call me Nancy Drew

For years I would take the bits of information i had from my "non-identifying" information and search for my biomom. Before computers this was NOT an easy task. I was nineteen and I was niave about what people would/could and would/could not tell me. I think the first thing I did was go to the hospital that was on my ammended birth certificate. I asked them for my file from my birthdate. They were gone in the back a long time and then came out to tell me there had been a fire and all the records had burned up. (is this the answer they tell them to give all of us when we come in? I've heard this numerous times from other people in different cities). Then I called the doctor that was on the birth certificate. He was old but still in practice. The cute little lady recepionist was sweet and after I told her what my mission she changed and told me the files were too old and had already been destroyed. Then I called the maternity home that was in our city...of course they couldn't give me any information but I thought I would try. I called the newspaper and they told me all babies born in the sixties had to be listed in the paper within two weeks of birth. I went to the main branch library in our city and looked through the microfish but my name wasn't there - then after going home and thinking about it - I realized it wouldn't be under my name now - it would be whatever name my biomom or the hospital gave me. I went back and began writing down every name in that fourteen day period - there were SO many. I didn't write down boys names and the ones that sounded foreign or "ethnic". But that was still ALOT of names (I live in a big city). I still have all of those somewhere. It didn't help. I called or went to the churches in which the biodad was a member to see if they had a roster from that year. There were so many other feeble/misguided attempts at the search. When the internet began to get popular I would register on any adoption registry that came out.( At the beginning there were only two). This was all in a ten year span.
When, through an investigator, I finally had a name I could not stop the search. I had grown to love the search, like a game with no ending. I didn't want it to end. I had a name and went back to the library to look at the census...to follow the families - could this one be it? could this one? I made a list of five and followed them, where they moved, who lived in the house - they were great books telling what the father did and the ages of the people in the house - great....but I hit dead ends....still I loved the game.
When I finally found my biomom I kept looking for something to search....what more could I find out? I didn't want it to end.....weird I know. It was a let down in a way. I found her, the searching was over.......I missed it.....did I want the search more than the reunion?
When she told me who the biodad was I began my search again...I went to his high school and got his picture out of the old yearbook...looked up alumni info and found out his address, number , how many kids he had, his business. Before I contacted him she told me it could be someone else and I began my search for him. I called him all the way across the country and he assured me it wasn't him. She told me then there could have been another - she was so embarrased. I went to HIS old highschool and got a picture - it COULD NOT have been him - i didn't look like her and I sure in heck didn't look like that hairy ape. So, I kept searching and finding out little things.....I love the search.
They called me Nancy Drew - I can find out so much with just a little info...I love it.
For a while my searching was done - I missed it. Now I know J's biomom and biodad's names I find myself searching again....to know more. I found some things I can't share but I'm doing it again.....please someone give me someone or something to look for.........!!!!!!!! Nancy needs a fix!!!

A New Year

I can't believe Baby J stayed up for the new year! I thought about her biomom and was praying she is safe and at peace (want to say happy, but I think it's too soon for her to feel happy on a holiday). While off work I wrote her a long letter and just poured out my heart --woman to woman. I wrote that I think about her often and know she must be feeling low. I wanted her to know she wasn't alone, since she doesn't have anyone to talk with about it. I encouraged her to see the councilor so she can talk about her feelings and I made sure she knew she would not be forgotten. I thanked her for her letter (handwritten-for which she apologized) and told her I'd rather have that so J will be able to see her handwriting. I also wrote that she needed to go to college because she must be smart because she passed that on to baby J.
My only fear is that she will not live long enough to see baby J grow up and become a woman. I know there is not that much contact (her choice too), but it would have hurt me to find out my biomom was not living after all those years and finally finding her.
.
Last year on January 1st I was writing on another blog and this is my entry for that day:

I started thinking again about how you really fall in love with your children and i found this on another site - it was so touching:

I don't care if they are biological or adopted, I think it really is a process and it really does not happen overnight. I have heard all kinds of things on boards....from worries that they won't bond to an adopted child like a biological child to no worries that they will bond to a child and that it will happen instantaneously. I think what bonds you to a child is experience. It is not the biological tie. I also think you need to be somewhat prepared to not instantly bond with your child as it is a process.We fall in love with our children through shared experiences. We fall in love with them through caring for them through all their sleepless nights and sick days and the times that they fell down and got "owies". We fall in love with them for teaching us about ourselves and selflessness. We fall in love with them for their goofy laughter and spontaneousness and their ability to bring our young selves out. We fall in love with them for their compassion and innocence. We fall in love with them for their openness...for their chance to be little, to be young, to love life to the fullest.

I couldn't believe when I read we didn't get our profile out until January 23rd last year and we got "the call" on May 26th. That is unbelievable. Most people are waiting years and we had only a few months.
.
So, a new year. I don't see how it can top last year for us.

While We Were Waiting

While we waited the last few years I had this quote on my desk at work...
it got me through many difficult days.

“My concern is that many believers apparently feel God owes them smooth sailing or at least a full explanation (and perhaps an apology) for the hardships they encounter. We must never forget that He, after all, is God. He is majestic and holy and sovereign. He is accountable to no one. He is not an errand boy who chases the assignments we dole out. He is not a genie who pops out of the bottle to satisfy our whims. He is not our servant - we are His. And our reason or existence is to glorify and honor Him. Even so, sometimes He performs mighty miracles on our behalf. Sometimes He chooses to explain His action in our lives. Sometimes His presence is as real as if we had encountered Him face to face. But at other times, when nothing makes sense- when what we are going through is ‘not fair,’ when we feel all alone in God’s waiting room - He simply says, ‘Trust Me.’”

James Dobson

DUCKS

My biodad gave us some chocolates and gave J some great blocks that are a puzzle with 6 different possible farm animals when you put them all together. She loves knocking them down after we stack them right now but one day soon she'll get the puzzle idea. He said he and his wife had one more present for us but it wasn't "ready". So Christmas Eve we went out and when we returned I found a package in the back door. It was a book about ducks ("Make Way for Ducklings" published in the 1941) and a framed photo of the statue of those ducks in Boston. I called to thank him and he said it was a tradition around their house. It was read to him, he read it to his children and he wanted me to have it for J. I was touched and it meant a lot to me.

Saw the Lifetime Movie

I tell you, Lifetime does have sappy movies but sometimes I get so caught up in them....they are the only station that has fairly decent movies about adoption. (along with the bad ones). The one I watched last night was "Our son the Matchmaker" --quite sappy but when she meets her son after 28 years of seperation it was very similar to my reunion. They stood there and just stared at eachother.
It made me feel so sorry for my biomom. It reminded me, again, what she must have went through. I am sorry for it all.
This morning I am thinkin of J's biomom....hope this first Christmas is bearable with her loved one's....

Blind and Ignorant

There are people out there, even with discoveries of modern science, that insist on believing archaic, stupid things. We now give our children immunization shots but there are people that cannot believe we introduce these things into our children's bodies. They home-school their children because when you don't get the shots - you cannot expose your children to other children who may give them something. This is a dangerous idiotic practice of fools. Children used to die frequently before these shots - duh....

There are people who, even after the medical community has proved it to be a deterrent of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases (not to mention many other problems that are detrimental to the health of the man and partner), will claim that circumcision is a "barbaric" practice and we should let children decide for themselves - when they are older (ouch). I know people who have been married to uncirc*mcised men and they all have said - ...."there are problems." One said "I could slap his mother for not doing it when he was a baby"

This is how This woman feels about it: "You see, I am of the firm belief that circumcision is unnecessary and brutal. An act that should be illegal. I compared the traditional North American male circumcision to the Female G*nital Mutilation going on around the world.

I take serious issue with the act of mutilating a child’s g*nitals (or any other part of their body, including ear piercings) because there is no good reason for doing so. If your child grows up to be 18 and says, I want to be circ*mcised, then he ought to be able to make an informed decision about his body at that time. (As for ear piercings, I do believe the child should be at least 10 years old and able to care for his/her piercings.)"

This is funny to me. Of all the things for this person to worry about....it's absurd. I don't think giving a child a tattoo is okay or piercing ears as a baby. Most are walking a fine line - letting the 12 year old pierce ears but not their eyebrow or tongue. There are alot of different opinions there but boys are circ*mcised, children get their shots, babies born tongue tied are snipped, children born with 6 toes have one removed etc. HELLO - medical science....not the middle ages. You cut a child's hair and bathe them right? Take care of business....don't be a wacko about it....

Those who do not believe in God would have a hard time understanding ...but God knows what He's doing. God told the people of the old and new testiment things to do that we didn't understand until the modern age. For example:
-No pork (Leviticus 11 and Deuteronomy 14) - But the thing is, if you ate bad pork you got trichina (Trichinella spiralis "trichinosis")---not discovered until just over 150 years ago.
-"Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities." -- I Timothy 5:23 Red wine has been proved to help digestion.
(Paris cholera outbreak in the 19th century when it was noted that wine drinkers had been spared from the disease). In a British medical journal research was published that proves after drinking wine that bacteria in food was killed before it reached the intestines.
-Circ*mcision- "And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you" (Genesis 17:11)
"While the American Academy of Pediatrics doesn't consider circumcision to be medically necessary, there are some medical reasons for performing one. Those include preventing recurring infections of the head of the p*nis, avoiding obstruction of urine flow that can result when the prepuce's opening narrows, and preventing a tight prepuce from retracting over the glans. Also, circ*mcision may reduce the incidence of penile cancer (a very rare condition).

Even barring these considerations, infections, including urinary tract infections in infants, are less common in a circ*mcised p*nis. That's because a circ*mcised p*nis is easier to keep clean. (By pulling back the uncirc*mcised for*skin and cleaning carefully, a man can reduce the formation of smegma. Finally, circ*mcision might have a small protective effect against AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), "some research suggests that circumcised men may be at a reduced risk for developing syphilis and HIV infections." Some scientists blame any increased risk in uncircumcised p*nises on increased mucosal cells that can allow infection to enter more easily. What's more, microorganisms can flourish in a warm, moist area under the for*skin."

Okay - I've made my point.

Adopted son and King of the Jews

I was recently reading Christ the Lord out of Egypt by Anne Rice (suprisingly well done by the "vampire" author). We were all talking about the Christmas story and the blood line of Jesus. At first it was said it was just Joseph who was from the blood line of David. But, to me, that didn't make sense because Joseph was not his biological father. I started googling and asking a few people who are scholarly. It is interesting that the arabs still marry within the family. and that's what happened then - Joseph and Mary were both from the line of David. But, throughout these discussions it was brought up and I even read about it in many books. You COULD deny one of your own children in those days legally but you COULD NOT legally deny an adopted child. Once that child was adopted (like Jesus was "adopted" by Joseph) Everything was due them from your lineage. You were "grafted" into the vine of the family. Their lineage and forefathers were yours.

Us against them?

Why does it have to be us against them? Why do so many people have to be negatively affected by adoption? There are adopted mothers who are SO against the mothers who gave birth to their children and there are birthmothers who are so angry with the adopted mothers. Wasn't it Rodney King that said "can't we just all get along?"

TRADITION

We have a wonderful New Year tradition. My father opens a letter by writing "Happy New Year" and telling a quick bit about the day and what has happened through the year. He ends his part by writing "now I turn the pen over to...." and then that person writes about their year. Each one from the family writes throughout the day/evening and even the little ones take a turn. Whoever is there has to write something. Then it is finished by my mother who re-reads the letter and writes all the things we forgot. We put the letter in a safety deposit box and we don't look at it for ten years. Every new years eve we read the letter from ten years ago. It is amazing the things we forget and it's wonderful to read the writing of grandparents after they are gone and others who have stayed with us never to be seen again (like old girlfriends and boyfriends). The funniest thing is to read the writing when you were little and my mother even includes letters to santa we wrote. It's a wonderful tradition that we treasure and will for years to come. Now that we all have families of our own we all do it with our own families.....I love tradition and can't wait to write about this year's happenings!!!

We saw my biomom and her husband today. It was very casual at her house and we ordered pizza from a really great place in her little town. She lives 26 miles away and my biodad lives less than two---weird huh? We have all gone to many of the same places and restaurants....we're all sure we've seen eachother throughout my life but we just didn't know eachother.
in fact, I know I saw my one half sister bellydance (the only pale blond who does it around here). And my half brother came to my church and sat three rows ahead of us. I didn't know who he was though at the time---so weird. Anyway, they had a great time with the baby and took lots of pictures. I did find out that her mom had to have a knee replacement and she had to have both done-----yikes! I hope my knees stay healthy. Her mother has also gone blind with macular degeneration. I was sort of happy when I didn't know all that. Nice day.....

This is so cute - very clever....a video on yahoo talent show

My opinion doesn't really matter much

It's hard to fathom, it's difficult to believe, it's inconcievable that your own flesh could reject you. I think maybe that's how the mothers feel, what they are afraid of subconciously?. I think they don't want to feel rejected, hated, hurt anymore than they have been. They did one of the most difficult things they would ever do and they blame themselves, authority figures, the agency, the social worker, the adopted parents, the government, the system....mostly themselves. It hurts too much to think that someone they love so much may not feel the same, may be happy without being with them, may have had a better life without them in it. It hurts. Let me assure those people, it DOES NOT mean we reject you or hate you if we have had a good life, if it worked out for us, isn't that what you have prayed/hoped for? Or would you have been just a little glad if life wasn't anygood without you?

I was out of town two nights and was a little glad to hear the baby cried the first night....like maybe she missed me. I was hurt when I heard the next night she was happy and content....didn't she still miss me? Of course I wanted my husband to have a good time with her, but it still hurt a little. Mind you, this does not even touch the tip of the iceberg with relinquishing a child, but you get my meaning. You want the best for them, great parents who will take careof them, love them, treat them as their own flesh and blood. Then they feel rejected and hurt when they don't feel warm and fuzzy and come at you with open arms in reunion. Now, don't think I mean this in a derogatory way....just the feeling I get from many mother's who relinquished....

Things are not all okay with the system....I went to a well respected agency who plays by the book for our adoption, but there are many who do not. I was adopted in the day with all closed adoptions but my biomom was 21 and knew what she had to do. She went to a well respected agency as well, and when it was all said and done she was happy to know I was okay but I think very disappointed I was really okay....deep down I think it hurt her that I wasn't psychogically damaged by it all. After all, it has been/is intensly personal to her....to me, she was/is a stranger.

If we do not want a full blown relationship it is NOT a rejection, it is NOT personal about who you are as a person or what you "did to us". It is simply happiness with a life that you may not have chosen for us but one that we have been placed in by circumbstance and happiness followed. Be proud of who we have become, the good genes you passed on, the love we felt in the womb and know we can live in your hearts if for some reason we cannot have the relationship with you that your heart longs for.

She is so sweet. She wrote "I regret but at the same time I know I did the right thing". I write and I have encouraged her to write. She wants to send a video of the baby's 1/2 brothers - i love that....
She said they thought we would be snobs but they have both talked about how nice and happy we were when we met....how that has helped them....that felt good.
The hardest thing to read...."the best thing that ever happened to me, the only thing that ever made me feel whole and I gave her away".....we both cried about that.
We love them and we pray for their happiness.

I am an adoptee and an adopted mom

I am not a biological mother who has not seen my child for years. So my writing, my thoughts my feelings.....they come from where I have been and where I am. They are as individual as snowflakes. No one has the same experiences and feelings...no one has the same past. I've thought about not ever being adopted....I've wondered if my life would have been different. My biomom and I have talked about it and my biodad and I have also talked a lot about it too. There is a regret that they never knew me but a feeling of relief now that they know how I grew up, that I am happy and healthy and was a nornal happy kid. They would have NOT worked together....they didn't really even like eachother.....thus I would have been a child of divorce. And probably not right away. He would have had to give up college and marry my her. That was a given then. The parents all decided not to even tell him that she was pregnant with his child. They kept that from him and took it to their grave. Neither of them knew the parents even met. That was wrong and deceptive. There wasn't a choice even given....I think that was very wrong. But I don't know what would have happened had it been different.

Someone wrote to me that my adoption situation is not very healthy, because I have a "secret" reunion, but my parents aren't fearful. I don't know how they would react--I guess they might be hurt I didn't tell them. I don't want them to think I don't love them %100 because I do. Why should they know that I have met them? What a weird situation. Why should they feel at all like I may not have loved my life with them. They have never given me any reason to NOT to want to be a part of that family.

My biomom had no choice, you are right there....no one offered to help...times were different. There is nothing for HER to be grateful for, that's for sure. Maybe I'm grateful to God for letting me get such great parents....When we first met I told her I was thankful she gave me life. In today's world unwanted pregnancies, inconvienient pregnancies, suprises.....they get illiminated all too easy. I have never told her I am grateful she gave me up....that seems like a slap in the face. I can be grateful in my mind (like i said, grateful to God). I AM grateful for my life, I'm grateful for my parents.

And it IS speculating what my life "would have been", I wouldn't know the difference if I was brought up as her daughter. so it doesn't matter. But I know both of them have said they wouldn't have the families they have now had the tables been turned.

I know that many of the mothers won't want to read this ....but even though we have a nice relationship, I don't really think I would be friends with my biomom except for our blood tie. Her personality is not like that of my friends. I am walking on thin ice here...I know some are gritting their teeth.....I know some of it is nurture but we just are too diffrerent....I'm sorry that people have had terrible mothers, I'm sorry that some mothers and adoptees feel cheated. I still don’t wish I had been kept. I'm sorry...I know people will be mad or claim I'm fooling myself. To be a mother who has lost their child to adoption has to be like losing a limb and you want them to reunite with you, fall in love (like you have loved them for years) and never want to be apart. I can only tell you how I feel. I wish we had more in common, I wish we could have a better relationship. Others have met in reunion and instantly clicked. They go on to have wonderful relationships. Others have turned down relationships all together. I'm glad there is a mutual resect and friendship but that's all I have. I pray people get what they want and need from reunion. I know all the mothers that want the great reunion experience will not like me for saying all this.....but I know myself....that's the only person I can know.

Please, no one take this as a put down, an insult, a sermon....like I said....we are all snowflakes, every situation in different, everyone's experience different...no one can know how another person feels.

We're getting a letter

I hestitate to write this....except that this is totally annoymous. My Agency e-mailed and said my sweety's biomom came in to drop off a letter and some pictures. The social worker was softening what I would feel when we read the letter. She wrote she regrets placing the baby but knows it's the best thing for her. I don't think it would have bothered me as much as they think. I don't think she would be normal if she didn't feel regret. What kind of a person would she be? She told the lady that she is having a hard time and it's bittersweet to recieve pictures.

I grieve for her even though she said she knows what she did was right. I look at our peanut and think how I would feel giving her up.....it would kill me. The agency asks that we pray for her and love our doll as much as we can and that's all we can do for her. The agency is trying to provide counciling but she has refused. I hope she gets the help she needs...

Please don't hit me with a bunch of stuff about this....it already hurts too much.

My little peanut has a cough - a juicy one. It got so bad on Friday night she couldn't catch her breath. I hated it....I was actually scared. It's a cough, that's all but I had to go spend $50 at an Urgent Care Stop to find that out.....like I said, I was scared.

On a lighter (and less expensive) note....
We went to a Cracker Barrell (I know, cheesy....but so tasty) and we were being watched by a little girl of about 3. Her mom and dad and sister (about 2 years her senior) were being a little less obvious but everybody was watching my sweety. When my hubby got up to go to the restroom, I had no choice but to acknowledge the beautiful, cureous little girl. The family pretended to ignore that she was at my table by then and chattering away. After a minute or two her mom discouraged "bothering" us but it was no bother. I was asking her about her halloween costume and she told me she was a princess. She also said, practically in the same breath, that she had a birthmark. I pretended I was very impressed and told her that a birthmark is the sign of a princess! She was so thrilled. Her bigger sister finally piped up and said "my dad was homecoming king!". I said to the mother (after we all laughed for a whole minute) that her daddy has left a big impression on that child....she had a daddy that was a king at one time ---that must be amazing in a 5 year old mind!
In the middle of all of it - my husband came back and we packed up to leave. The 3 year old came over and hugged my legs....i bent down with the baby and she hugged each of us.....it made my night!