Adoption babble

I know so many adopted people and so many people who have adopted. But I only know two biomoms who have relinquished a child.

My cousin and I have both found our biomoms....she is very close to hers. She was 14 when she got pregnant and her family sent her away and then she had to "pretend" she was never pregnant after she relinquished. My biomom was 21 and her mother said you "give that baby away or you are on your own". Neither had a choice. None of my other adopted friends (25 to 45) have any desire to find any bios....weird, you'd think they would at least be curious.

My friends who have adopted have foreign or semi-open adoptions. There are a few friends who have adopted multiculturally from foster care --- they are extra precious and sweet. My friend i grew up with had a brother and sister from Korea....I remember, as a child, when they joined my "second family"....it was so cool and felt totally natural,normal, never thought anything about them being different from us.

It's strange how much adoption has touched our lives - what could be the reason? I meet so many people and they don't know anyone who is adopted or has adopted....weird that we know so many.

Gifts

I got a box on my porch the other day and knew by the address that it was from my biomom. She sent the baby a pair of shoes - they are really cute and the invoice was inside - $32! I would never spend that much on shoes the baby will wear a few times. I guess that's why it's a good gift.....i'd never buy them. I feel guilty accepting gifts from her - I feel like it's a bribe and by accepting it I am obligated somehow. I don't think she means it this way but I feel a little guilty.

It all started after I found her. I told her I used a private detective that took $350 and "looked until she found"---it took 2 years. She sent me a check for $350 and wrote a note that it was "the least she could do" after this many years. I used it to buy a mantle clock i gave to her that had a secret compartment in the back. I wrote a poem about time we lose and the time we have lost...i hid it in the secret compartment.(i wish i would have kept a copy, i asked recently and she found it and lost it).
At first she sent me the most awesome gifts on holidays - any holiday, even little one's like Labor Day. I felt bad really, they were guilt gifts but i felt bad saying no. The most meaningful gifts were 1)a little ring that her uncle had given her when she was 12 - this was the uncle that gave her refuge after i was born. 2)two framed art pieces that her mother painted 3)old pictures of her and her mother
these are gifts that cost nothing but hold much meaning......those are the ones i treasure. I HATE the guilt gifts.....i accept them because she feels she must give them---they are more for her.....
I will say, i think the baby gifts are cute but they are more than guilt gifts......they are what she would have wanted to buy me, and that's even harder to accept.

Democrats are just IDIOTS!

I'm sorry, but if the September 11th anniversary doesn't invoke some anger towards terrorism then you are a stupid liberal idiot. I'm not saying to hate all Iraqi's or Muslims or anyone else. I'm saying it should make you MAD, ANGRY, DISCUSTED at the radical element that could think that blowing up almost 3,000 people would do anything for their "cause". They can put it under the guise of Islam but it's just a bunch of crazy lunatics misinterpreting their religion.

I'm not saying I agree in the Islamic principals and beliefs but I know they aren't about blowing people up. That's like saying all Christians want to blow up abortion clinics.

The unfortunate thing here is WE will NOT change their minds. The Iraqis I know want peace, a better life for their families and democracy. But how are we to fight a bunch of "crazy muslims" who will NOT change their minds? Do we blow them all up? Do we let them live blowing other people up? It's a hard decision.............I'm glad I don't have to make it.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GOD don't let it be the democrats that decide ----I think we'll all be sorry at the outcome!

I am ADOPTED and I have ADOPTED

It's weird thinking I am adopted and now i have an adopted daughter. I talk freely about her adoption but I do not mention my own. Most people don't know that I am adopted also and try to tell me all the things she'll feel and want, etc. It cracks me up. When i talk about it they must think I've really done my reading and research.

Being adopted is no different that any other state in life. It's like someone telling me I had my tonsils out when I was 5 ----I don't remember it. It didn't hurt me and it still doesn't hurt me.....

I think my birthparents are nice, it's cool to see old pictures and even to know my 1/2 siblings but it's really not that important. I will maintain contact because it's good to know them and keep up with them but I feel no particular fondness or bond. I know my birthmom does and it kills her I don't feel the same way. My birthfather is cool and feels the same way I do. Both families are very nice.

I'm not afraid of my daughter being around my birthfather's family at all but I do not trust my birthmother to keep her mouth closed to the baby about who she is. I don't want my mom and dad to know that I even know who the birthparents are ----it will get sticky i'm sure. For now they have both seen her and adore her (who wouldn't) but she is clueless as to who they may be.....at least for now.

Bitter Birthmoms and Adoptees

We only have one life to live. We have very little time and so many people are filling up that time with bitterness and regret. It is a choice they make....it is a mission for some.
There is one blog called "I hate adoption".....an adoptee who was placed with aparents who weren't good. There is another written by a birthmother who is still trying to come to terms with her relinquishment. I'm sure they don;t think about it 24/7 but these women (and many others----LOTS MORE) are affected SO much in their lives by what has happened in the past. YES, we are are past and we are changed by circumbstances but there is a choice made. Why do people who were abused as children marry abusers? That is normal to them, eventhough it's horrible, that's how things feel right. These women have had bad experiences but they live in the middle of it still.
I was adopted and I'm an adopted mom now. I want my baby to feel what I did growing up....loved, secure, happy.
I pray that other adoptees and birthmothers can put aside the past, learn from it but not live in it......

9 hours a day without her

I don't think I'll be able to stand it now that i have to go back to work. I don't want anyone else to see her do anything first. I saw when she first grabbed something for herself, when she found her feet, started sucking her thumb, when she started babbling and now that she's found she has a tongue - i was there for the first time she did it! I DON'T want someone to say "she xxxx for the first time today after you dropped her off" I will scream....i want it all.....and not to miss that time. Please God let me win the lottery....i'll use it wisely, i promise.

She lights up my day....everyday

I cannot imagine my life without her. She is smiley and when she smiles with that gummy smile it makes me cry, I love her so much. I hate to talk about her being adopted with everyone we meet that knows us and has heard our news, it's like talking about her having autism or a missing limb...everyone asks stupid questions that they don't think is stupid. If one more person says "she could be yours" I think I'll scream....I usually say, "she IS ours". Why can't they just say "she looks just like you?". I don't care for us but I don't want her to get older and hear this - this is what gives adopted kids a complex. Can people be any more inappropriate? "Do you know her 'real parents'"? (this one enrages me)
Sweetcakes bio-mom is our business and her business - not anyone else's. If she wants to share info about her when she's older it's up to her....I'm not a tell-all. When asked questions like did you meet the birthparents....I just say "yes...they are both very sweet.".

It was good to hear that her bio-mom met with the social worker and picked up our first packet. She is always offered couciling whenever she would need it but when she was asked this time about it she said they didn't think they needed counciling because they met us and feel really good about where she is. That made me feel good...knowing they feel good about it.

I didn't know I had this much love in me!!!!!

Forgetting

My old pastor adopted a bi-racial baby girl. She came out of the foster care system and has been with their family for about 6 years (adopted 4 years ago). They recently went to the doctor because of some minor kidney problems she's having. the doctor asked this whiter that white fifty something year old man if he knew if their was any kidney problems in the family and he started to tell him that he had kidney stones a few years back and was going into detail when he saw the doctor looking at him funny (he knew she was adopted). He laughed, he had honestly forgotten....

I can't forget that a woman has given me the most wonderful thing in my life. But honestly, i totally forget i didn't give birth to this child myself. She is the most spectacular little thing---every day is a blessing!!!

Adoption in Iraq

I was concerned my friends from Iraq would have a difficult time understanding the whole adoption process. I tried to keep it simple and said there was a baby who's mother couldn't raise her on her own but she wanted us to take the baby and make her ours. The girls were very concerned about the mother - it was very sweet. We talked a lot about her and I told them she was a really sweet girl and it wasn't easy for her. The Iraqi mother told me that somtimes a woman can't take care of their baby so she would bring the baby to the mosque and leave them there with a note "please take care of my baby". There are women at the mosque all the time and one would come along and find the baby and they would all decide who would take the child home and raise him/her as their own. No corrupt system, no bribes or waiting years and years....but then again, there is no help for that birthmother, no counciling and no way to make sure the baby is okay (unless they stick around and watch--which they sometimes do).

EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT

It makes me so mad that there are still birthmothers out there that have this rally cry against all adoptions. Just because they have had a bad experience they believe all women who relinquish their children must be coerced and manipulated into doing so. Even though many of these woman have thought about this, given it a lot of thought and found an agency to go to. Most of these agencies do provide counceling and an opportunity to parent if they choose to. Or they go on the internet and find parents for their babies. Yes, there are women who have had good experiences and feel good about where their children were placed. There ARE children who were better off where they went ----I am one of them. We are NOT against all of you, so why are you against all of us??

I HAVE CREATED A MONSTER!!!

I really like my biomom-she's nice. But now i have this baby things are getting weird! She asked "How will this work? will she call me grandma?" YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!
I said "it would be quite confusing to call you grandma, i guess she'll call you by your first name and when she is older she will find out who you really are. " I told her my parents mean the world to me and i would NEVER hurt them and it WOULD hurt them if they knew i knew her. This is going to get sticky i fear!

"Tummy Mommy" is OKAY

The more I think about it, "tummy mommy" should not really be offensive at all. I don't think it takes away from what the biological mother did and actually acknowledges her as the person who cared for the child the first 9 months of their being. What offends me as an adoptee and an adopted mom is people saying "real mom" or "first mom" - when people say that i want to scream!! My "real mom" is the one who raised me. The people who are so against any phrasing are the birthmoms who feel guilt. I feel for them - they had to make a decision and whether that decision came out of coersion, or thoughtful maturity, there is that regret and guilt and "what ifs". It may hurt them to hear certain phrases or words that don't abide by their "rules" of adoption terms but i am offended by many of the terms they use - like "first mom". my bio mom was NEVER my "first mom". She made a decision - not coerced - and there was still some guilt. She does not regret her decision just feels guilty about it.

There will always be those who see adopted moms as "The Enemy" and we have ripped these children from the arms of their rightful mothers. As an adoptee I can't stand that....my parents are awesome and i wouldn't change it for the world. The guilt these women feel have blinded them and some even stew in it until they become so bitter they leave messages of curses and tell us how horrible we are. Even though we are giving a loving home to a child we find to be the most precious person on earth. Isn't that what these women should want?

Still Suprises Me

It still suprises me when women are SO against adoption and adopted parents loving and parenting their child. No child should live with being reminded every single day they are adopted. I had a wonderful childhood and was not bombarded every day with it. They didn't talk about it but i knew. The birthmothers at our agency pick the couple, they meet and they have a say so. The birthmother of my baby is sweet and told the agency recently she feels good about her decision because she met us and saw how we were with her and we all got along so well. She is ubale to parent because of her health and knew somone else would have to raise her child. I couldn't wait to send her a letter, pictures and a copy of all the music we play and sing with....i'll always remember her much more than the baby. I know my bios were like strangers to me.

As I hold my precious baby in my arms, all my emptyiness is gone. We've been waiting for her for a long time. I can't believe i didn't give birth to her myself - she's such a part of me. I guess we all look at this from diffrerent angles and i would never take away what birthmother's must feel by i'm not going to let them down me for loving my baby.....

This is now OUR baby

okay - there is not one good way of saying anything about adoption without offending people. We went to court and the biological parents told the judge they relinquish all their rights to these NEW parents. They wanted us to take over the parenting job, to make this baby our own. This does NOT take away the fact that another woman made the decision to go through pregnancy, give birth and have to go through the pain of relinquishment. It also does NOT mean she will be forgotten or discarded. She could not parent because of health reasons that will just get worse, she and the biofather made a mature decision and we all got to talk about it together. Using the phrase that is most PC to birthmothers does not change anything, it does not make anything different. The feelings they have about thier own relinqishment and the feelings that the parents who adopted have are going to be the same. I think it's time to think about the child. "tummy mommy" and "forever mommy" is a little easier for a small child to understand than "biological mother" or even "first parent" - how confusing......

I am devoted to making this child happy. I know what it feels like to be adopted and i want her to feel as good about it as i do. I also know how my bio mom feels about it and my best friend (who relinquished a child 20 years ago). I trust those two and if other biomoms are offended i cannot help that. Maybe they need to re-examine their own feelings about it and see that maybe the child's happiness is more important - isn't that why they entrusted the child to someone else?

We are not raising this baby for someone else-she is now ours--the best way to honor the person who gave this child life and entrusted us with her, is to be awesome parents. We pray for her biological parents everyday. I think about her when i take pictures because i will be sending her pictures and letters. But I am her mommy now.....

MY GIRL

I can not even imagine my life without her. It's hard to believe i didn't give birth to this child. She is ours in our hearts and so much a part of us. I will never be able to forget about her "tummy mommy", but I am her forever mommy andI am so grateful to have her in our lives. I love when i give her a bottle and she holds my hand. I love when i hold her in the crook of my arm and she reaches up to touch my skin. I love when i out her in bed with me at 3 in the morning and she curls up next to me and takes her binky and falls right to sleep like that's what she wanted all along. Her coos, her sighs, her wimpers, her cries, I love it all. I know why people move to smaller houses and go to one income - i don't want to leave her, i want to see everything she does, be with her all the time. But when do you get anything done???

The most wonderful day of our lives

Yesterday was bittersweet. We got along so well with the birthparents (she called herself that). We met back at the agency after court and we gave them their gifts - everyone cried and it was a very emotional time. I had been sick for the whole two weeks with butterflies - i know now it was for them. I know it had to be torturous waiting for 2 hours in the hall way to be seen in court....

They were the sort of couple we would have as friends or relatives....each couple felt at ease. She picked us, she said, because I was adopted and because we looked genuinely happy in our pictures. The others were faking smiles and we weren't---that made us feel good and i knew again just how much they love that child. When i first met her I told her I was glad the baby smiled at her at her visit the day before and it made her cry-I also told her I knew why the baby was so pretty...because she is so pretty. I saw pictures of his two little boys - they are SO cute. I'm SO glad we had the opportunity to meet them - we took pictures and I told her I knew how much she loved the baby and we wouldn't let her forget that. J and I both told them we would pray for them every day. We will send pic about 5 times this year and at least two times a year until she is old enough to meet them if she wants to.

I LOVE THIS BABY>>>>>mommyhoood callssssss

One more week

We get to bring our baby home next week. It is killing me not having her with us, but only having seen her twice I am so in love! T feels it too, an overwhelming desire to protect her, shelter her, hold her---she is ours.

We will meet the bioparents when we get everything settled in court. Tonight my friend and I went to buy gifts. What do you give someone who is giving you the most precious gift a person could give? Here's your scarf, here's your baby? I could never repay the debt I owe for this wonderful little person I love and adore. I bought two matching stuffed animals, both dressed the same and then I bought a necklace with a charm that is engraved with the initials they gave her. I figured she could wear it if she wants. The animal has it on now. We will take pictures with that every time we take them to send to her. That way she will be looking at the same animal as the baby. We bought a watch for the biodad.....had no idea what to get him, so I hope he likes it. Well, maybe we'll get to see her again next week before the final day!!!!! I can't wait!!

We LOVE HER!

Her Name is about Love because we are so much in love with her it hurts. We won't have her with us until June 9th.....but we can't wait. I love that her biological parents love her and visit her. They just don't want to start off this early with a baby. She wants to go to college and he pays child support for two others. They want to do what's best for her. She is loved also at the foster mother's house and has been to their lake house every weekend - not to mention Chucky Cheese, and a number of other restaurants and malls. She's a travelin' baby! She's the cutest thing - beautiful really and my arms feel empty every minute we are apart. I never thought I could love another human being this way. I love my husband but this baby is already a part of us, of me. I held her and it felt just right the way her little body fit in my arms, the way she looked at me and the way she held onto my finger. I know those are just things babies do (I've had plenty of nieces and nephews), but this was different. She belongs to us, she is a part of me just like my heart. I would kill anyone to goes to harm her, I would throw myself in front of a bus so she wouldn't get hit.....I am seriously in love!
Sweetness in a little package, Love in a bundle, She is my joy......

WE WERE MATCHED!!!!!

We will be parents in one week! She's already here and ready to be our baby..............More later!!!!

Just Hangin' Out

Went to lunch with my bio dad and my 1/2 brother. We get along so well, it's weird. We all have the same warped sense of humor. J is in town all summer before he goes back to school (getting his Master's). And he told his dad he'd like to get together again "just to hang out" ...we do get along great....very comfortable with him. I'm proud to say he is adorable as well (must run in the family). I think I freaked B out a little when J and I were talking:

J: I love candy
Me: I do too
J: I love orange suckers, orange is my favorite flavor
Me: Me too, that's my favorite
J: I HATE banana anything
Me: Me too , that artificial banana taste - yuck
J: I know, I hate anything that's supposed to taste like banana except the real thing
Me: Me too!

The whole time B was watching us like he was at a tennis match, back and forth....then he covered his shaking head.....it freaked him out just a little....

His daughter and I have weird little things too - exactly the same....like neither of us can STAND someone else touching our pillow.....how obscure is that.