Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I am starting this blog so i can really write what i think. It's more for me than anyone.....and i guess anyone else who cares what i think.

I don't really care what anybody thinks about me. I'm the one that has to answer to God and what other people think has no bearing on my eternity.....

We are adopting a baby and i have a blog about that but i don't ever want anyone to read it and have to know about some of the stupid stuff i think. I mean, why bore them and why have a record of it? It may come back to haunt me.

For instance, what if the baby is ugly?....I know I will still love the child but I want a cute little baby who grows up to be good looking. Is that so much to ask? I want a smart, goodlooking, talented child. I guess everyone does. God has the child picked out for us I'm sure but I hope God doesn't take into consideration that i am good with children who are mentally challenged, have autism, have a deformity or are different somehow. I love kids like that - i will give them all my attention and try to make them feel great. My heart goes out to them. But i don't want to have a life-time of that.....it too hard, too emotional. I want a normal child who i can be so proud of. These are all things people think - they just don't say it. Does it make me a bad person? If i had a child with these problems i would face my future and do the very best i could to give them a great future but i PRAY God takes pity on me. He knows my heart, He knows my weaknesses, He also knows my selfishness.

Okay, i also yesterday met my other half-sister for the first time. I went to her wedding 3 years ago (no one knew but my birthfather) and we met last night at his house. She came in from out of town and was there when we went by with presents....B's wife mentioned about us being at the wedding and i told her i felt like a spy and any moment we would be discpvered - she laughed. She was so nice and we were all very comfortable talking. Considering he didn't know I even existed until i was 34 and she didn't know until last year.....

He gave us "last minute" gifts by the way, the kind you buy in the line at Target when you remember you need to give a co-worker or neighbor something.....i wasn't being greedy - i don't care what he gives us or how much he spends but don't insult me. Buy a card only if it says what you want it to. DON'T give me trash that you put no thought into - it is an insult.

Okay - i have so much to say - but i will continue another time - there are bills to pay!!!!

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