My momma may be 74 but she is one strong woman. She is determined to lick this....kick it in it's butt. I want her to be right, she has to be right. I don't know what I would do without her. She's not herself right now and I want my momma back.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
My momma may be 74 but she is one strong woman. She is determined to lick this....kick it in it's butt. I want her to be right, she has to be right. I don't know what I would do without her. She's not herself right now and I want my momma back.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I know there are bloggers who are pleased with themselves when they make another blogger cry, cringe, hurt or cry by talking about their lives and the decisions they have made. There are those who are unhappy with their adopted parents....they didn't give enough, they didn't listen enough, they just weren't good enough.
Everything pales when a tragedy strikes. I can't argue with you about how you feel about being adopted because I don't know what it's like to have bad parents. I have the best. I have parents who never went out to dinner, didn't spend money on trips or fancy things so they could pay for their children to go to college and graduate school. They are parents who now want to be a big part of their grandchildren's lives, and get to know them.
Last week my mom wasn't feeling well and went to get a CT scan. This week she's recovering from a 6 hour surgery that may/may not have saved her life. "Stage IV", "couldn't get it all", "the chemo should help" are just snippets of things I heard after the surgery.
We are very optimistic....she's tough. We are taking one day at a time.
The thing is....she is my mother and I am scared to death. It makes NO difference about blood ties...none. It may sound a bit harsh but I wouldn't feel like this if it was my biological mother. Of course it would be sad, just like if it were my neighbor or a distant cousin I met when I was younger. But my heart would not feel quite this heavy and my mind so troubled.
Say a prayer for her if you will, Barb is her name (God will know who). It couldn't hurt to have a few more.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Monday, December 03, 2007
"God does not want infertile people to be parents, it is a punishment....."
This one makes me laugh and I see a cartoon picture of the anti-adoption people on one side of the playground saying "nana, nana boo boo.....God just wants to punish you...." bullies.....
This is just like saying AIDS is a punishment. AIDS is a result of sin.... But there are people that have AIDS who have not sinned. Healthcare workers, People who have had transfusions, hemophiliacs, children born with AIDS because their mother had it....so other people's sin affect others. This is not a punishment because they were bad....
Cancer is a result of sin....but not the sin of the people who have the cancer. It's many, many years of abuse of the body, the foods we eat, the chemicals we have used, the contaminants on our food and in the air, etc....it's all sin.
If someone has cancer are THEY being punished?
Infertility can be the result of many years of abuse from previous generations as well ......chemicals on our foods, medications and environmental contaminants have affected our bodies, our DNA and our fertility. It is the result of other people's sin.....sometimes the sin and abuse of our own bodies (being overweight, on drugs, previous abortions, chronic illness).
Again, this is not a punishment, I don't take it personally. They have never found a reason...the Doc says I should be able to get pregnant.
I now know why I never did....J wouldn't be a part of us then....say what you will, but there is a divine plan. There are just too many things that went absolutely right.....and they keep stacking up...... The odds are staggering. If this is punishment.....keep it coming!!
Sunday, December 02, 2007
"I am who I am because I was adopted"....
Phooey - I say to that. You are who you are because you choose to be that way. I know there are some genetics that are passed on from your DNA. The way you look, how tall you are, your taste buds and smell etc......but much of your personality, many of your mannerisms, a lot of your attitude is passed on by who raises you and your environment.
You can boo hoo all you want and be miserable and blame adoption....but you really have to blame those things on not adoption itself but who adopted you, your relatives, your friends you chose. And much of people's bad attitudes can be turned around. Instead of living in the past....they should look to the future and what they can accomplish. What's done is done and it cannot be reversed. What is the point of dwelling in it, wallowing in it?
Be positive, fight for change but I cannot stand the depressing rhetoric over and over.....give it a rest.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Okay....this may be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Let's take the life of a child so a birthmother doesn't have to live with the guilt. It's better to rip the arms and legs off a living human unborn child than have the child live with the knowledge that they are adopted. Suck up parts of that child and throw them into the trash so adoption agencies don't make too much money.....yea, you're all right.....better get rid of that life, who would want to give a child a chance for life?
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
This, I think, May be the funniest of them all. The notion that God doesn't like adoption is one that is actually out there and believed by this odd fringe of anti-adoption people. I guess it makes them feel better? I guess God would rather have children aborted? Dead?
I could go on and on - they have an excuse about Moses being only a "foster child" (chuckle) and they will quote you Deuteronomy -- you should not "covet" anything of your neighbors....(that's about lusting after your neighbors wife and wanting his possessions)....there is nothing said about children - children were not really looked upon like that until they were a little older - so many children died young. People were supposed to take "care" of widows and orphans. If you are abandoned by your parents are you an orphan? If you don;t have parents that take care of you....as a child you cannot take care of yourself....I call that an "orphan".
So we are all bad non-Christians for adopting...it's all very funny to me....
Saturday, November 24, 2007
There are those who are convinced that babies in Guatemala are "bought" . Well, let's take a look at this shall we?
If they knew anything about the culture, there is stigma for a single woman to have a child. Their culture does dictate how things are done (just like most countries). As much as we would like to "enlighten" them, they are slow to change and hang on to their tradition and customs. The women who are expecting are afraid to keep the child and will stay at a maternity home until they have the child or they will have the child and drop him/her off at the home. So, these children are without families.....
People go to Guatemala to adopt these children and yes, the government may take a lot of money, the police may take bribes but it doesn't change the fact these kids still need homes because the mothers will not take them home....as hard as it may be for them. The mothers don't get any money, they don't get anything but the heartache.
So if anyone needs to be chastised it's the Guatemalan Government and officials, not the adopted parents.
Well, if they look beyond the nose on their face and think about that.... it is preposterous.
How do you explain all the babies that are not relinquished with colic and all the babies who are adopted who do not? There are a lot of babies with colic....plain and simple. My daughter only cried when she was hungry or tired. She never went on and on (oh how I felt sorry for friends with colicky babies) . If what they say is true... why didn't she grieve? Did SHE not miss her birthmother?
Please......colic is grief? that is really reaching.
I think those who believe that need to get a grip on reality....they want to believe these things...they have convinced themselves it's true. They also need to read about the development of the brain and what babies can really grasp....
Thursday, November 22, 2007
I am thankful, of course, for my life with my family. My awesome daughter and husband and all our families being wonderful.
I am thankful I am in a Christian family of people who love and care about us.
There are many things I could write about - because there are so many things I am very thankful for in life......but I want to say I am thankful I am an American, I am happily adopted and I am thankful for all the adoption officials out there who care about the birthparents out there and care about how they feel and what happens to them. A few of our social workers have had birthmoms to their house for the holiday because they have no where else to be.
I am thankful for my daughter's birthparents, their awesome hearts and I'm so thankful they have each other (they are getting married!)
Friday, November 16, 2007
Brad and Angelina actually has changed the way people see adoption. As much as I don't like the hype of celebrity lives I can't help but be thankful for the press for shining a big light on the Pitt and Jolie adoptions. Even Madonna who has had some controversy with her adoption has brought it to the forefront and I'm glad.
The press used to report a celebrity, their child and their "adopted child" were out at a store etc. Now it's just "their children"....I'm so glad this is changing.
Here's a bit from one article:
"Pitt went from single guy to father of four in less than two years -- and seems to relish every moment. Who hasn't melted over the adorable photos of Pitt carrying a baby bottle in his back pocket, or dropping the kids off at school? The question is, will Brad and Angie have more biological children? That gene pool seems too good to waste."So even though they mention "biological" children, they are just talking about "their children", "the kids"...it's much more casual, less strained..... this is normal life.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
I know there are some bad placements....I know there are some bad agencies and I know there are bad people. But, for the most part..... adoption works. It can be a wonderful thing. It's never easy on the birthmother but I know many birthmothers who have found peace. Every adoptee I know has had a great life and is happy and well adjusted. The naysayers can say all they want but the few that are unhappy are not the norm.....it is sad that they are so upset but I pray that they find peace.
Adoption has been part of my life since birth and has been part of my daughter's life since her birth but it does NOT define us....is not a major part of our days and lives. We live love, we live happy....I wish all families could be this happy!
Monday, November 12, 2007
A friend and I were discussing adoption this weekend. It's funny that I totally don't even think about my sweety not being biologically ours. She is so much a part of us that there is no distinction. It always throws me off when someone mentions it, it takes me a few seconds to say to myself "oh yea, she IS adopted". She was talking about a recent miscarriage and how even with one biological child, they really have thought about adoption. But, just like most men (and some women), her husband questions if he could love "another person's child". My husband had to confess to me he thought that but knew that I had a great life and there was no distinction between my brothers and I. There are many people out there not touched by adoption at all. I feel like I can be that shining beacon of reassurance for these people---to let them know - YES, you will love that child beyond your imagination! When they placed that baby in our arms my husband said every grain of doubt fell away instantly and she was ours - love at first sight (just knowing about her and seeing her picture did it- ours forever). It's amazing to me the love you can have for any child - biological or not - it's a real eye opener as far as the love God must have for us.....
Friday, November 09, 2007
Before I was a Mom
Before I was a Mom-
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom –I had never been puked on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down.I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache,
the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom
Thursday, November 08, 2007
To celebrate adoption month Hallmark has a series of adoption shows that are just awesome.....watch them on line: but make sure and come back and tell me how much you like them...they are done so well!
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
I'm sure that there are the naysayers that will poo poo all the efforts of this NATIONAL month of adoption......but phooey on them!
I pray all of you waiting get a match soon
I hope all who have adopted are happy and healthy
I want all who have relinquished a child to adoption to find peace
All who are touched by adoption....God bless you, keep you honest, fair and loving and continuing to help families grow through adoption.
Monday, November 05, 2007
I just got out of the hospital. I was sick all last week. I had a temperature ever day and was generally feeling miserable. Friday I finally went to the ER and was admitted, for what they said then, five days. I was so out of it on Friday but I remember thinking five days seemed bad - that meant I was really sick. I had elevated liver enzymes, low platelet counts, a stiff neck, swollen glands, a rash all over, red lips and my eyeballs hurt when I loved them. I knew this was not good.
Well, I had a reaction to such a high dose of the antibiotics...who knew the thing that was supposed to make you well could make you so sick! On top of it all I had a virus that make my eyeballs hurts, the lymph glands swell, my neck hurt and my lips get really red.....weird.
Through it all my taste is still all messed up but that I can handle.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
You hear about it on TV, you shake your head and think "why didn't they get to a doctor sooner?". Like other fatal illnesses, disasters, diseases you have not been a part of, you have no idea. I thought I had an ingrown hair, a little knot under my arm....I thought it would just go away. When I had two, I thought it was strange but still thought it would just go away. When I had three then four I called my OB (really my SIL who works there). Before I knew it I had an appointment to see a surgeon and before I could see him I had ten knots of different sizes and all hurt like a big dog! Staph, MRSA.... how easily it could be overlooked, disregarded....denial? Should we start to freak at every pimple? I know I will now. They had to take pugs out of my arm pit, some a quarter size and 1/2 inch deep - ouch. I'm healing but I am never shaving my arm pits again!
Friday, October 26, 2007
I really don't believe in luck as far as life goes. You are lucky if you sit down at a slot machine that is ready to hit the big jackpot. And you are lucky when you choose the right number to play at Roulette. But as far as luck goes....we make our own choices, sure....but I do believe the hand of God is in the mix of things. Sure, things don't always go right...that's for a reason. And, yes, there are BAD things that happen...unfortunately, there will be those things and we must learn from those too.
We use the word "lucky" very loosely. I say I feel lucky to have our daughter with us. I feel blessed, grateful to God and to her birthparents......lucky doesn't even cover it.
I say I feel lucky to have a great husband but I know that was not a fluke, a divine plan was in action just like with baby J and even the timing of it all.
So when I say, "I'm just lucky" i guess what I'm really saying is I am having a great life...God is blessing me, even in the bad times.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
About two years ago I wrote a post about LARABAR. Someone from the company is progressive and on the blogger scene and saw my post. They sent me a few bars and a t-shirt and I have been so hooked ever since. They sell them at Trader Joe's and every time I wear my shirt someone says "hey, I get those at Trader Joe's!" - or someone asks me what they are.....great marketing tool!
The thing I like about them - they are simple and healthy. Most only have three ingredients...they have no fillers or preservatives. On top of everything else.....they are delicious. If you haven't tried them, you should.....You can check out their website HERE
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
I don't know if people generally know this but the Nobel Prize was started by Mr. Alfred Nobel who invented dynamite. One premature obituary of his own death called him the "The merchant of death" He was devastated that the thing he invented could be used for such harm so when he died he left a 31 million dollar endowment to give awards to people (regardless of nationality) that help humanity.
Well-----The Nobel Peace Prize has
been awarded to AL GORE and the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Control
Good God, is this all the could come up with this year???
This "Academy Award winning Film" (gag me) contains quite a few fabrications and a man in England did not want the public school kids watching it and believing it was the truth. He took it to the highest court and won. It was confirmed that there are 11 "inconsistencies" in the film and it was decided by the court the film must have a disclaimer that says there are these "inconsistencies".
Read the things that are untrue HERE.
These are not small things...they are major points in his "documentary".....for example:
The film suggests that sea levels could rise by 7m causing the displacement of millions of people. In fact the evidence is that sea levels are expected to rise by about 40cm over the next hundred years and that there is no such threat of massive migration.Most of the statements are all to prove his point of global warming....and are made up/false/fabricated.
Why don't we here this on the major news?? GUESS
I don't know if people generally know this but the Nobel Prize was started by Mr. Alfred Nobel who invented dynamite. He was devastated that the thing he invented could be used for such harm that when he died he left a nine million dollar endowment to give awards to people that
The Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to former
In England a man fought to the highest court so that Al Gore's movie "An Inconvenient Truth" could not be
shown to children, in schools, without a disclaimer - WHY? Because there are 11 inconsistencies in the
movie read about them
These are not small things...they are major points in his "documentary".....for example:
and the -------- Good God, is this the best they can come up with?
Thursday, October 04, 2007
The National Council For Adoption (NCFA), a leading adoption advocacy organization, has named award-winning country music star Rodney Atkins as its 2007-2008 National Celebrity Spokesperson of the Year
Rodney was adopted by three sets of parents....two brought him back because he was "too sick to handle" but his parents that brought him home to stay would not give up on him read the story here.
"Since 1980, NCFA has been the leading voice among national adoption and child welfare organizations. NCFA is a research, education and advocacy nonprofit organization that promotes ethical adoption practices, informs public policy and opinion about adoption issues, and serves as a resource for women with unplanned pregnancies, adopted persons and their families, those seeking to adopt and adoption professionals"
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Sunday, September 30, 2007
I am thankful for life
For my awesome parents who encouraged me to be me
For my Christian upbringing that makes me feel whole and complete and in the will of God
For the sweetest little girl God could have ever given us
For a husband who loves and understands me and adores our little girl
I am thankful to God for a wonderful family, life, home, health and an overwhelming joy!!!
Saturday, September 29, 2007
I was mentioning to someone I was sending some pictures and I'm working on a DVD with a fun slide show for J's biomom and the girls shocked me when she said "do you think you should really do that?, Do you really want to be so involved with her?" I was shocked. This girl knows I'm adopted too....why is it so scary for people to send pictures?
AND>>>>>HOOOORAY for Becky who is bringing home little Julia next week. I'm so happy for her, she has suffered seven miscarriages and got to be in the delivery room with Julia's biomom....how special is that? Congrats to her, hubby and baby!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Plan to celebrate National Adoption Day at many of the events in the area where you live. Some local libraries are having readings....some, I have read, are reading "Forever Fingerprints". Even the President has written a proclamation for National Adoption Month, encouraging caring people to adopt children (including children in foster care). He mentioned www.adoptuskids.org .
Friday, September 21, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
I feel like I don't have anytime to do anything anymore! I have been so busy taking people on trips and having big gala affairs that I have not been able to do anything much less post anything or have time to think about what to post.
-I took 75 people three hours on two old buses to "the Lake" and we got on a big, beautiful yacht and had a tour of all the big beautiful mansions as we ate a lovely lunch.
-I put on a big dance at the Hilton Ballroom with 350 people, an eighteen piece orchestra and $2000 worth of prizes given away (people are selfish pigs by the way with buffet food)
-I am organizing an Ice cream social for 200 people for next week
-My In-laws came and I had to clean my house and make dinner for them, and my SIL and her family
-I took 40 bingo players and hour away to a smoky bingo hall to play 4 hours to win $100 jackpots....I HATE bingo
-I had a dog with diarrhea for three days who destroyed my carpet downstairs every time we left. So, I went through 3 rolls of paper towels and two bottles of Spot Shot and then steam cleaned the carpets when she was well.
-I have to smell everyone with perfume that smells like vomit and coffee that smells like death
-and much much more - boy, I have a head ache just from writing it all down!
In the middle of all of it I have to hear about Hillary Clinton and all her idiotic ideas, listen to Nancy "freak" Palozi and all her loser cronies talk about war (yeah, they think they know a lot about war and foreign policy) . They refuse to listen to people who have actually studied about and understand war and tactics...... boy I am just so grumpy. If Hillary does happen to win, because people are stupid enough to listen the media instead of the people who know what is what, I will be forced to move somewhere - God knows where because Europe (as beautiful as it is) has Universal Health care and everyone knows it hasn't worked for them (or Canada) so trying to find somewhere that is a great place to live (which the US is now until we have to get away from Hillary's version of the country) won't be easy.
LIBRALS ---- PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT TERRORISM CAN DO!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Oh my goodness, my daughters biodad is the sweetest thing. He wrote a note, ...he did. He talked about how much he missed his other two kids growing up (they are still young) because he worked too much and now they are number one...
He said J was so beautiful and how happy we always look in the pictures that they love getting. He also said even though he is NOT an emotional person he still cries when he looks at those pictures. He's going to ask J's biomom to marry him this year (she doesn't know that) and he said he got another job so he could be with his family more. He ended with "give her a kiss for me and for N, we both really miss her".
It broke my heart but made me so happy to know how much J is loved and she came from such sweet people. One day I will be so proud to let her read those letters....
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
They e-mailed me back saying they just mailed off a letter that the biodad had dropped by the office. She said it was a very sweet letter and they love getting all the pics of J....I'm so excited to go home today and get the letter!
Saturday, September 08, 2007
"After being approached by a group of concerned parents, she was asked to develop a two-hour program for the Rally for Life 1992. The rally was about s*xual abstinence. She developed the program by mixing media and music, her own talk, and the testimonies of young girls. The response of students, parents and the community was so overwhelming that Pam began to get numerous requests to speak all over the Midwest."
In 1993 a video of her presentation was made and it took off. She got so many requests for engagements that she went on a speaking circuit full time. Read more of her story HERE.
I heard her in an interview and she is funny, warm and a wonderful Christian woman who understands the heart of an adoptee. She believes she was something beautiful that came out of something bad and she wants to someday meet her biomom to thank her for choosing life.
Friday, September 07, 2007
John A Lepper, a Representative from Massachusetts, drew up an amendment to open birth certificates for adoptees born before 1974. It passed but was vetoed later....at least it's a start.
They did consider that women after 1974 thought their identity would be kept a secret ....huh? My biomom in the 60s was told it would always be a closed adoption - that no one could open the records..... I do think the adoptee should be over 18 when they get a bc or identifying info....but that's nuts.... no wonder it was vetoed ---they need to word this better.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
This coming Friday will be a big day for Binky Barnes, one of Arthur's good buddies. His family is adopting a baby girl from China and the special two-part episode is set to air September 7th on PBS (check your local listing for show times). I was able to get a sneak peak of this episode, Big Brother Binky. I must say that I'm impressed with the way the topic of adoption was handled which isn't a surprise as Arthur is an Emmy-Award winning children's program.
For those of you not in the know, Arthur is an eight-year-old aardvark. He and his friends have been learning and growing together for 10 years on PBS and are back for their eleventh season on PBS KIDS GO!. PBS KIDS GO!, which provides educational, non-commercial entertainment for early elementary school kids, will kick off its fall 2007 season September 3 though 7.
I feel that this episode of Arthur was very well thought out and researched. Many adoption experts were interviewed including Adam Pertman, the executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, who consulted with the creators throughout the project.From creator Marc Brown,
"What the series does best is reflect the lives of kids in an authentic and fun way that resonates with both viewers and their parents. Because adoption is so important to so many families, we thought it was a great opportunity for ARTHUR to explore this subject."
I couldn't agree more, this is one you don't want to miss.
Image of Binky's baby sister. Mei Lin © WGBH/Cookie Jar Entertainment 2007
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
During the Middle Ages, monks began to record regal pedigrees. As property became involved, genealogy became closely tied with rank and the inheritance of wealth and land, tax collection, and lawsuits. Also during this period, as serfdom gave way to villenage, it became important to record the descent of more of the common people. This practice increased in the 1500s, with the rise of mercantilism and the middle classes and the emphasis on individual religion generated by the Reformation.
The history of genealogy records a regrettable episode when family research became a State mandate. Under the leadership of Hitler and the Third Reich, German citizens were forced to prove their Aryan origins. Family heritage had to be traced back 4 to generations. Without this documentation, citizens could not receive working papers and they could be subject to imprisonment. The pedigree was called the Ahnenspass.
One website states: The study of genealogy can help people to better understand their heritage, can strengthen family ties, and may, in some cases, help to reduce racism by demonstrating common ancestry.
Many angry adoptees complain that they had their "heritage stolen from them". The importance of studying your past in this day and age is not to prove a royal lineage or prove you're origins to a dictator but it is to see where you have come from so you can know what your family did to get where they are.
So what has been stolen? Just the fact that a great grandmother may have come from Russia and your great great grandfather was a Polish Jew?
How does that change who you are? How does it affect who you are with your family? Will you now learn Russian or read the Talmud?
I found out I had some French in me... (i can't stand the French, so it was quite a shock and a shame actually... lol). It's interesting to know, however, and I'm not saying you shouldn't be curious....but why is it SUCH a major point with them? I would really like to know what they think they are missing out on....
Friday, August 31, 2007
Adoption 101: Why is Adoption So Expensive?
Found this post on the adoption blog site...I thought it is valuable to those adopting, questioning adoption or even against adoption...to know the reason it's so expensive.
Why is adoption so expensive? That is the million-dollar question. Some people will say it is because adoption professionals are making money off adoptions. However, many agencies are not-for-profit and seemingly have no reason to “rip off” hopeful adoptive parents. For example, I truly believe that Catholic Social Services is seeking to do what they believe is best for the child as part of a ministry for the Catholic Church.
However, even a not-for-profit adoption agency is incredibly expensive. Our agency, which is not-for-profit, had a base cost of $11,000 back in 2000, not counting any payments for the expecting mother (such as medical bills, food, or housing). If nobody is profiting and the expecting mother is not being “bribed,” then why does adoption cost so much money?
Here are some of the expenses that contribute to the cost:
- Advertising adoption services to expecting mothers and hopeful adoptive parents
- Rent, utilities, etc.
- Salaries of social workers and other office staff
- Literature for expecting mothers and hopeful adoptive parents
Does this add up to $11,000+ per adoption? It is hard to say from the outside, although I am sure the agency would assure us that they are not making a profit.
Our agency had additional expenditures that may or may not be included in other agencies' services:
- Expenditures paid toward anticipated adoptions in which the expecting mother ultimately chose to parent
- Facilitating communication between the birthmother and the adoptive family both before and after the adoption
- Hiring an adoption attorney for contested adoptions (such as a birthfather contesting an adoption at the 11th hour)
- Lifetime counseling for birthmothers who place through the agency
- Parenting classes for expecting mothers who choose to parent
- Private investigator fees to locate birthfamily or adult adoptee
Our agency provides all of these services free of charge, so somebody has to pay for them. The agency passes these expenses along to the adoptive parents as part of the adoption fee.
Knowing that our agency provides these additional services helped me to feel better about the adoption fee. However, many adoption agencies do not offer these services. For those who do not, I have no explanation for why the cost of adoption is so high.
As for international adoptions, you have two agencies that are charging for their services. You also have another country that might be using part of the fee to subsidize its orphanages or foster care system. A portion of the fee is going to be out of the hands of the domestic agency.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Previous posts and comments have got me thinking again about memory and I've looked up more research on the subject.
Found a great abstract by Rachael Collie and Harlene Hayne at the Psychology Department of the University of Otago..Dunedin, New Zealand.
Some of the things that stuck out to me:
Over the past 20 years, an increasing number of researchers have argued that memory is not a unitary process, but rather is comprised of two or more neural systems that serve different functions and operate according to different principles (for recent reviews, see Eichenbaum, 1997; Schacter & Tulving, 1994; Squire, 1992a, 1992b)This explains why the memory is not intact at birth because even though some of the memory is mature, not all is in place to form an explicit memory.
It has been argued that the memory skills of human infants are initially restricted to procedural memory but that by approximately 8 to 9 months of age the declarative memory system matures (Nadel & Zola-Morgan, 1984; Nelson, 1995; Schacter & Moscovitch, 1984).It comes down to this.... Until 6-9 months of age (there is some argument between these ages) there is not the ability to have explicit memory... a memory of a face, smell, words.... There is a familiarization about the soothing nature of the mother's voice, smell ....but not a real, solid memory.
Declarative memory (which is fact storing) emerges at approximately8–9 months of age (Nelson, 1995).
Recent research, however, has yielded evidence of deferred imitation by 6-month-olds after the
same delay (Barr, Dowden, & Hayne, 1996)
Here is another study from New Zealand
This stuff fascinates me...
There's another one Here
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
In 2002 there were 532,000 kids in Foster Care and only 126,000 able to be adopted. Explain that to me.....what is the mindset of some of these parents who will NEVER be able to take on the responsibilities of a parent? Has anyone thought about what's best for these kids?
There are some grandparents or family members that want to establish legalized guardianship instead of adoption, they want to recognize that the child is still the parent's but they are just taking care of them.....I understand that....there is a place for it.
However, a comment from Kelly on a previous post suggests there should be no more adoption but legal guardianship. The problem with that is....the child deserves more than that....having just "legal guardianship" is really having no real family. What is the point? It's telling this child no one really feels you are a part of a family....they are left in a limbo which can be psychologically damaging, as many studies have shown. Foster kids feel this way, not really ever a true part of a family.
Adoption makes kids a permanent part of a family...the name and all that goes with that name.
I am proud to be a part of my family...a real family member, no one has ever distinguished me from my siblings....there was never a "name" to distinguish me as different.
We need to start thinking about the kids....and what's best for them...
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Here is Mr. Stocklaufer. He already lost 60 pounds before his gastric bypass surgery, a local hospital donated to him, for his success in adopting. They believe he will be able to lose another 200 to 250 pounds now. Everyone (except for a small anti-adoption crowd and the Texas Child Protective Services, who has a cut-off of 400 pounds), is pulling for him. His whole community is pitching in to help.
Does anyone know people who are this overweight? I do, and they are people with feelings just like you....the person I know fights it all the time and actually has no health problems for now. He's a lot better person that some others that a child could wind up with....there are a lot of obese biological parents....what do we do with them?? should we take their children away???
I pray that everything goes well, and the judge does not discriminate against a man who's only crime is that he is 500 pounds (not for long) and high blood pressure. If high blood pressure keeps you from being a parent we better open up a lot more orphanages because we will have millions of children taken from their homes!
Friday, August 24, 2007
The Stocklaufer’s are the Missouri family who had their adoptive son Max removed because the court declared dad Gary to obese to adopt. This family is not only baby Max’s hopeful adoptive family, and the family he has lived with all his tiny life, but they also have a biological connection. Max is the biological son of Gary’s cousin.
Are they saying people overweight can't adopt? Then overweight people should NOT have biological children then either -The government is worried that overweight people may have health problems......? Oh, and what about people with MS, Diabetes, Parkinson's...and all the other things that can impair your health? Then they should not be allowed to have biological and/or adopted children....that should be a no no for them too- right?
This is the most asinine things I have heard.....
to show we are standing up for them
A BLUE RIBBON FOR BABY MAX!!!!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Found a great article about KT Tunstall on the Living.scotsman.website: Go and read all of it but I thought it was interesting what she said about adoption....she's one of those millions of happy adoptees you don't hear much about except she's famous and someone asked her about it.
Her ease in her own skin is all the more remarkable given her background. Born in 1975, she was adopted at just 18 days old by a primary-schoolteacher and her physics- lecturer husband. Quite often, people who are adopted describe insecurity about their identity, confusion about exactly where they belong. But Tunstall has a very close relationship with her adoptive parents and never felt different from her two brothers, with whom she grew up in St Andrews. "I could only have felt different if they had treated me differently - and they didn't."
As a young adult, and long before she became famous, Tunstall had tracked down her birth mother and discovered she was half-Chinese and living in Edinburgh. If anything, she seems almost more reluctant to talk now than when we first met, and I can't help wondering if tracing her roots actually complicated life more than she bargained for. (She has made no further effort in the last few years to find her father, an Irish barman.) She was not driven to find the truth, she admits, just curious. "I know much more than most people in my situation. I have a huge amount of information. I certainly don't feel right now that there's more I need to know for my peace of mind."
I loved that she said she would have only felt different if her parents had treated her as if she were different.....
"She is fiercely loyal to the mother and father who raised her and believes you are a product of nurture rather than nature."
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Julie was nice enough to link me over to birthpsychology.com where I found the craziest article
( a few actually). When does Adoption Begin? is by Marcy Wineman Axness. I am trying to think positive about what she means...at best she's saying that all mother, even birthmothers should love their children prenatally and treat herself and the unborn child well. But I'm afraid it's not that simple and she's claiming all sorts of nonsense. She is trying to claim an "umbilical affect" when it comes to adopting (note that this guy is a "primal therapist":
"British physician and primal therapist Frank Lake believed that if maternal emotion, or "umbilical affect," is negative, the fetus feels unrecognized and insignificant (Maret, 1997.)"but she quotes one birth mother as saying :
"I now know that this left my child very alone in the womb. He must have felt that no one cared about him, since these mythical parents-to-be were nowhere around and I had vacated my motherly responsibilities to him, in deference to their feelings. Sometimes I wonder if this is why, as a seven-month-old baby, he still doesn't smile very much."This preposterous notion is so sad to me. This makes the birthmother blame herself for her whole life and makes her feel she may not have done the right thing....the guilt she will carry is unfounded. It is letting this woman believe that the child has these sorts of feelings in the womb....and this is absolutely not true. More later...I have a life.....
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
I still have Parosmia. It is the only thing you can think about when you're hungry---and I'm hungry all the time! Everything (most things) taste rotten and spoiled or like garbage---- or smell like rotting flesh, dead bodies, vomit or acid. The only thing I enjoy is some fruit, plain bread, plain noodles or lettuce with a vinegar dressing. I've lost about 10 pounds because I make myself eat things that taste rotten but I can only eat so much and I have to stop. I drink an ovaltine every morning holding my nose and have to brush my teeth right away with toothpaste that tastes a little like rotten fruit....i guess I have to "choose my poison", rotten fruit id better than the taste of chocolate....i guess.
I have had a CT, an MRI and now will undergo some neurological tests to see what is happening. I will mention that even though chocolate is aweful OREO still taste heavenly!
"The doctor of the future will give no medicine but will interest his patients in the care of the human frame, in diet and in the cause and prevention of disease."
- Thomas Edison
Saturday, August 11, 2007
One of my adoptee friends, wrote this and I couldn't agree more:
I can see, now, that not making adoption some kind of focal point in my life, made my life normal........normal, like any other kid. If we'd spent a large amount of time talking about it, I would have thought about it more often, and I would have focused more on it, when I really didn't want to. I only thought about it from the context of it being something I could use to put into my "parents are unfair" list. It wasn't like I wanted to talk about it because it was important to my mental well-being --- it was more along the lines of wanting to make my parents talk about it because I knew it made them squirm!!
I can say, that with all honesty, I had the best parents I could possibly have ever had. They gave me incredible morals and values.......they instilled in me the importance of a deep faith, love of country, a strong work ethic, personal responsibility, and love of life. They taught me to appreciate the world around me, to respect my fellow man, and how to make wise choices for myself. I never doubted for a moment that I was loved, safe, cared for, or a part of my family in the same way every other person was a part of my family. I never for a moment felt "different", nor did it occur to me to.
As dl said........adoption was a one time event. It was how I joined my family. It went no further than that, and has never been, for me, a "way of being".
This is exactly how I feel---the only difference was I didn't even ever think of me being adopted when I was growing up...even when I thought my mom and dad were being unfair.....
not dwelling on things.....hmmmm
After reading many of the blogs....good and bad, I have discovered there are so many misconceptions out there in the land of infertility and adoption....here are just a few. Feel free to add some more.
1. We adopted parents are NOT wealthy, don't live in huge beautiful houses and don't give all their children a pony. We work hard for what we do have and usually have to take out a loan to afford an adoption.
2. Eggs can be bad at an early age and can still be good at 45. Just because you are young and healthy and in your 20s, you can have bad eggs. In the same turn, just because your 45 - it does not mean you have to have donor eggs to have a baby. I know a woman at 52 who is pregnant without any help and another at 47 who had IVF and is pregnant with twins.
3. NOT all adoptees are sad about being adopted.
4. Just like a lot of people with biological children, most adopted parents must also work and find a good babysitter during the work week. This does not make them bad parents....you wouldn't say people whop work with biological kids are bad so why are aparents?
5. All children go through a period of separation anxiety, it's not just something that adopted kids go through. Read some early childhood development books (the one's NOT written by anti-adoption authors) and you will see it's normal.
please add.....i know there are more - these are a few off the top of my head....
Friday, August 10, 2007
Those who we call "mean adoptees" are just that. they are mean people. They will cut you down before you can blink an eye. They will put you on their "get 'em list" and get all their mean friends to back them up. They are bullies. As we all know bullies have a chip on their shoulders because of a lack of something in their life. They can be SO mean yet will say we "happy adoptees" have something wrong with US.....amazing. These people can say they loved their aparents, that they were good people but they did not give enough love....it all comes down to love and acceptance. There's one meam blogger who says she had great aparents and they loved her but other things she writes tells a different story. All the happy adoptees I know was very loved. Their aparents might not be perfect but they loved that child and had big hearts.
The angry adoptees need to stop trying to gain acceptance by joining in on the "happy adoptee bashing" (maybe that's jealousy?), and try to love themselves first, forgive whoever they need to forgive and be more positive - they are not doing anything being mean and trying to bring people down.....nothing accomplished.
My baby is loved ...without question, without compromise....forever.... I felt that too, it makes all the difference in the world.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
I've known T for 22 years. We started dating in 1985 and I played volleyball with him for much of the year before we started dating. August 10, 1991 we were married. It was 102 degrees 3 days before the wedding day and we were getting married outside in the garden of a historical mansion. I had a traditional dress (even though I swore I would not have anything traditional). I was long sleeve and high necked---yikes. I bought it in February and wasn't thinking straight- I know. But the day of the wedding it was 76 degrees and the horses were running in the pasture next to the beautiful garden....it was like a dream.
Sixteen years of a great marriage and a great guy. I love that we are such good friends... it means the world to me. J just makes the pie sweeter!
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
There are many true baseball fans who WILL NEVER acknowledge Barry Bond's #755 or over. Moments ago he hit #756 (yea right)-- He juiced it up, he's a jerk and has played many more games per season than Babe or Hank. So, he is NO ONE, NO BODY, NOTHING, he does not exist.
I recently wrote an E-mail to "a child is waiting" agency to tell them how I felt about their "disruption" clause for adoption.
Even though I was sort of polite, it was not a nice e-mail to say the least.
This is the response I received...
Hello,I hope they got enough e-mails about it that they will truly consider change.I agree that it is disturbing. Sadly it is a reality when families adopt
special needs children. We hope to change policies and advocate for
reform in many area of adoption in order to prent disruptions from happening.
thanks for your email.
Monday, August 06, 2007
The Faces of Adoptees
This really says what I've have been saying all along
Sometimes, the media and others paint adoptees as having major issues from psychological needs, consumed with anger, depression, etc. Yes, some adoptees may have dealt with these issues from time to time, but for the most part, their lives are not controlled by these things. There are a few adoptees that are unable to move beyond these issues, that I do understand.
In every walk of life, there are people struggling with issues, but that does not mean that everyone in that walk of life is also struggling. It is funny, sometimes it is like everyone else expects adoptees to be angry and even have issues with being adopted.
This leads one to wonder why others want, expect, or need adoptees to feel negative. Society it seems acts as if adoption is all about the birth mother or family. When adoptees do not search or feel the need for contact with their birth family members, it is just unthinkable to people. People refer to adoptees birth parents as their “real parents”. Does this imply the adoptees are living an “unreal” life with pretend parents? I have never been asked by a person questioning me about being adopted, if I had a happy childhood and am I at peace with being adopted? I have talked with other adoptees and this seems to be a common trend.
I am not saying that adoptees do not experience anger, depression, etc. for the most part we deal with it and move on. Yes, from time to time in our lives events may arise that cause us to revisit these emotions but we do not remain there.
I have been surprised myself about learning how many adoptees end up adopting children themselves. Can adoption be for the most part so bad if the same children that were adopted go on to adopt children of their own?
Adoptees do go on to live normal and productive lives. Yes, surprising as it may seem, a lot of adoptees are okay with being adopted and may even support adoption.
Below are two fellow adoptees that also seem to pretty normal. While some people think that most adoptees are against adoption is not necessarily the truth. Yes, I do know there are some adoptees that are very opposed to adoption but not all adoptees feel that way.
A Utah adoptee, Nathan gave his life for our country in Iraq. Nathan was adopted in Korea at the age of two years old. A die hard biker adoptee supports adoption and seems to be at peace with it. He has also gone on to find his birth parents.
The faces of adoptees are so different. We all have different lives, experiences, journeys, feelings, needs and yes, even struggles that makes each of our adoption experiences so different. Adoption is a part of us, but not who we are.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
There are nuts out there...let me tell you. I have come across a few - read about some but this one takes the cake.
Legalized Lies is the title of a website...the opening line:
All of our profits go directly toward family preservation and public awareness campaigns to ensure that adoption will soon be nothing more than a shameful part of our history
This gal puts out anti adoption t-shirts, mouse pads, bags and button-talk about a screw loose!
Read a little more about this here: By the way - she's not an adoptee, birthmother or aparent.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
I was looking at excerpts from " Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge and I am amazed at the authority in which these books are written. She also wrote Twenty Life Transforming Choices Adoptees Need to Make and I don't think she holds one title of merit.... She has interviewed more than seventy adoptees (this makes her an expert?) and I know she is a Christian woman and formed an organization, Jewel Among Jewels Adoption Network, Inc., which "helps educate people about the unique needs of the adopted child" and publishes a quarterly newsletter, Jewel Among Jewels Adoption News. I just can't agree with what she is saying...she writes these books based on her own feelings and experiences and believes everyone must feel the same.
She begins the book by saying:
"Outwardly we appeared to be a close family, We took vacations together and played golf together, I remember my parents proudly watching the events of my life unfold. I was a model child;captain of the cheer leading team, first chair clarinet, homecoming representative for my class. But behind the scenes I was starving myself, being sexually promiscuous and stealing. My parents didn't have a clue. I never thought about the discrepancy between good/girl/bad girl aspects of my life or considered sharing my struggles with my parents. I was driven by a force I wasn't aware of.Another quote:
What was the problem? Was it my parents? Were they second rate? NO! Was it me? Was I damaged goods because I was adopted? NO! A million times, no. The problem was ignorance-ignorance about unresolved adoption loss and the need to grieve."
"To deny adoption loss is to deny the emotional reality of everyone involved."Still another:
"An Adoptee's wounds are hardly ever talked about. They are the proverbial pink elephant in the living room"and my favorite...
"Grief is the natural response to loss, and those touched by adoption must be given permission to revisit emotionally the places of loss, feel the pain, scream the anger, cry the tears and then allow themselves to be loved by others"....is she kidding?
In the book she talks about Adopted parents wondering why their adopted child is acting out?She claims it to be them being adopted of course. What would they be asking if the child wasn't adopted? Biological children act out...what does that mean then?
It would be different if she was talking about children who were not infants when adopted....but she includes everyone. She writes that EVERYONE needs to grieve when adopted....I SO disagree with that....and I have hundreds of other people that I've spoken with or e-mailed that feels the same. There may be some exceptions, but it boils down to just a way to explain some people's problems. I guess if it helps them to believe it...it can't hurt. But don't claim everyone is needing to "scream the anger and cry the tears" from loss that many adoptees don't even feel.
If you go back and read the first quote from her book - you notice something interesting. "Outwardly we appeared to be a close family" - that tells me right there that something was wrong in her adopted family. I think more people need to look into how they were brought up - maybe the family didn't accept them fully or give them the love they needed? Maybe they held adoption over their heads. One blogger writes all the time how great her aparents were but then turns around and writes about how her mother would say digging things about her being adopted....sorry, but that doesn't all add up. No wonder one gets psychologically damaged....
Beware of the books - take everything with a grain of salt and check the credentials - anybody can write a book....
Adoptive Parents You Might Know
Not personally - I really mean adoptive parents of whom you might have heard.
(Stumbled across this & thought it was good)
I'm not sure you should call them role models, but they're Been-There-Done-That and they're famous.
- Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino, who has held every "serious" passing record in the NFL, founded a chain of restaurants and a foundation for autistic children, and who adopted Niki in 1998 and Lia in 2001. He is a hero.
- Senator Sam Brownback, the Kansas Republican who's currently running for president, a recent convert to Catholicism and father of (among other kids from other places) Jenna, who's from Shantou. He's on MySpace, too.
- Writer & entertainer Julia Sweeney you might remember as overweight and androgynous "Pat" from Saturday Night Live, or from singing the song "Just Because I'm Irish" with Jonathan Richman on Conan O'Brien, or from one of her monologues, which include God Said, Ha! about surviving cancer, Letting Go of God which is (as a contrast to Sam Brownback) about her converting from Catholicism to atheism, more or less, and In the Family Way, which is about her adopting a daughter from China whose Chinese name really was Mulan. She's got a blog over yonder which tends to be more about what she's working on than what she's doing at home (but that's pretty interesting, too).
- CBS anchorwoman Cindy Hsu adopted Rosie (named for Cindy's mom, Rosemary) in 2004. She has won a few awards for her TV work in The Big Apple, including three Emmys and a New York AP Broadcasters Award. She's also a competitive Dragon Boater, which rocks.
- Actress Meg Ryan you've probably already heard about. She got to smooch Wolverine and make indecent noises with Miracle Max. She adopted Daisy True in 2006 and spent some time out of the limelight, which seems just about right. (Daisy, by the way, is super cute in her latest pictures.) She no longer calls me late at night, so I think things must be going well.
- Astronaut Leroy Chiao goes into space for a living. That's pretty cool. He's a Ph.D in chemical engineering and has lived aboard the International Space Station. He speaks Mandarin and Russian as well as English, and is Chairman of the National Space Biomedical Research Institute User Panel. He's also got a regularly updated blog and a pretty website, so check him out. He also seems to be pretty darn cool with kids in person (scroll down until you see his picture).
- Author Jeanne Marie Laskas has written quite a few books as well as columns for the Washington Post and features for GQ, Esquire and Ladies Home Journal. Her adoption story was featured in Good Housekeeping in 2000.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
The more stories I read about adoption the more sad it makes me. It's complicated, this adoption stuff. When I write about adoption I'm talking about infant adoption. I girl goes in to an agency and makes a decision about placing a child for adoption. Whether that's done out of desperation, poverty, necessity, etc., it's a choice they make. They or the agency (It's better if it's the biomom) make a decision by looking at profiles and choosing a family that they can decide on and maybe even meet before the final decision is made. This is the "adoption" I speak of.
There are so many other adoption situations...the foster child (who I'm sure is always hurt in the process) and the foreign adoption (again, older when adopted and hurt throughout). These kids suffer. They are with people, then they are not....that leaves a mark that stays.
It hurts me to think any kid grows up without being loved and accepted...no matter if they are with their biological family or not. Don't you wish there was an easy way to fix that?
For those who are angry, upset, sad, depressed and hurt.... I'm sorry if it was lack of love from your family or the family you were with....no one deserves that. Find someone to give you a BIG hug every day...it may not fix anything but it sure can't hurt!
Friday, July 27, 2007
I am highly disturbed. A fellow amom who reads more blogs than I, was directed by a link on someone's blog to an adoption agency's website that has me so MAD.
A Child's Waiting is an agency in Ohio with an "adoption disruption" policy....a nice way of saying a "return policy"....look at the link and see how they "so kindly" say it---it's sick.
I wrote them this:
I was highly disturbed by your section about Adoption Disruption. No matter what - there is no turning back, no "return policy" in adoption. I am an adoptee and an adopted mom...how dare you even suggest there is anything like a divorce when it comes to adoption? If it becomes too difficult to take care of a child with special needs....it' is still your child and you help them any way you can, even if you have to turn to a state run facility for their help. Adoption is for life - no matter what!and I suggest others also writing and telling them what they think about this. I would think I would be offended if I was in any stage of this process, a mother-to-be inquiring, a person considering adoption or an adoptee. This is a slap in the face to birthmothers who entrust a family with a child they love and care about for their lifetime.....I'm pretty ticked. Adoption is FOREVER!
I have discussed with my biomom (she was the one who brings it up) that I was better off. It would not have been a good life with them. Biomom said they would/should not ever get married. And she being a single mom would not have been good. It worked out so great for her, she met and married a guy (she met him right after she placed me). He understood and helped her get on with a great life with two more girls. The biodad was on a break up with his long time girl friend who he went back to and married and they have two great kids (he told her about the "fling"). Life worked out the way it was supposed to.
Both the bios have agreed that I was brought up great and they could not/would not have done as good of a job. So I am grateful to them and to my aparents, I am thankful that I was adopted. It doesn't take away from people who didn't have a great life or good aparents. When they find out their bios were better there is a bitterness that creeps in. They start to say "It would have been better with them", "it's always better to stay with your biological family" --- well, it's not always better.
You can say you love your aparents all you want but if you say it's always better to stay with bios - you are slapping your aparents in the face. Shoving all the love and concern they gave right back in their faces. I'm guessing they weren't as great as claimed when you are that mean to the people who raised you - there is no real love.
I love my parents....I don't give them respect for what they did - I give them respect because of who they are, I love them because they are lovable and not because they deserve something from me because they adopted me....that's just sick. I feel sorry for those who have had aparents that they don't honestly love--- if they held adopting you over your head or pulled it like a rug out from under you every time you "disappointed them"- shame on them.
I am happy, thankful and grateful - I am who I am because of great parents.