My biodad gave us some chocolates and gave J some great blocks that are a puzzle with 6 different possible farm animals when you put them all together. She loves knocking them down after we stack them right now but one day soon she'll get the puzzle idea. He said he and his wife had one more present for us but it wasn't "ready". So Christmas Eve we went out and when we returned I found a package in the back door. It was a book about ducks ("Make Way for Ducklings" published in the 1941) and a framed photo of the statue of those ducks in Boston. I called to thank him and he said it was a tradition around their house. It was read to him, he read it to his children and he wanted me to have it for J. I was touched and it meant a lot to me.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
My biodad gave us some chocolates and gave J some great blocks that are a puzzle with 6 different possible farm animals when you put them all together. She loves knocking them down after we stack them right now but one day soon she'll get the puzzle idea. He said he and his wife had one more present for us but it wasn't "ready". So Christmas Eve we went out and when we returned I found a package in the back door. It was a book about ducks ("Make Way for Ducklings" published in the 1941) and a framed photo of the statue of those ducks in Boston. I called to thank him and he said it was a tradition around their house. It was read to him, he read it to his children and he wanted me to have it for J. I was touched and it meant a lot to me.
Monday, December 25, 2006
I tell you, Lifetime does have sappy movies but sometimes I get so caught up in them....they are the only station that has fairly decent movies about adoption. (along with the bad ones). The one I watched last night was "Our son the Matchmaker" --quite sappy but when she meets her son after 28 years of seperation it was very similar to my reunion. They stood there and just stared at eachother.
It made me feel so sorry for my biomom. It reminded me, again, what she must have went through. I am sorry for it all.
This morning I am thinkin of J's biomom....hope this first Christmas is bearable with her loved one's....
Thursday, December 14, 2006
There are people out there, even with discoveries of modern science, that insist on believing archaic, stupid things. We now give our children immunization shots but there are people that cannot believe we introduce these things into our children's bodies. They home-school their children because when you don't get the shots - you cannot expose your children to other children who may give them something. This is a dangerous idiotic practice of fools. Children used to die frequently before these shots - duh....
There are people who, even after the medical community has proved it to be a deterrent of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases (not to mention many other problems that are detrimental to the health of the man and partner), will claim that circumcision is a "barbaric" practice and we should let children decide for themselves - when they are older (ouch). I know people who have been married to uncirc*mcised men and they all have said - ...."there are problems." One said "I could slap his mother for not doing it when he was a baby"
This is how This woman feels about it: "You see, I am of the firm belief that circumcision is unnecessary and brutal. An act that should be illegal. I compared the traditional North American male circumcision to the Female G*nital Mutilation going on around the world.
I take serious issue with the act of mutilating a child’s g*nitals (or any other part of their body, including ear piercings) because there is no good reason for doing so. If your child grows up to be 18 and says, I want to be circ*mcised, then he ought to be able to make an informed decision about his body at that time. (As for ear piercings, I do believe the child should be at least 10 years old and able to care for his/her piercings.)"
This is funny to me. Of all the things for this person to worry about....it's absurd. I don't think giving a child a tattoo is okay or piercing ears as a baby. Most are walking a fine line - letting the 12 year old pierce ears but not their eyebrow or tongue. There are alot of different opinions there but boys are circ*mcised, children get their shots, babies born tongue tied are snipped, children born with 6 toes have one removed etc. HELLO - medical science....not the middle ages. You cut a child's hair and bathe them right? Take care of business....don't be a wacko about it....
Those who do not believe in God would have a hard time understanding ...but God knows what He's doing. God told the people of the old and new testiment things to do that we didn't understand until the modern age. For example:
-No pork (Leviticus 11 and Deuteronomy 14) - But the thing is, if you ate bad pork you got trichina (Trichinella spiralis "trichinosis")---not discovered until just over 150 years ago.
-"Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities." -- I Timothy 5:23 Red wine has been proved to help digestion.
(Paris cholera outbreak in the 19th century when it was noted that wine drinkers had been spared from the disease). In a British medical journal research was published that proves after drinking wine that bacteria in food was killed before it reached the intestines.
-Circ*mcision- "And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you" (Genesis 17:11)
"While the American Academy of Pediatrics doesn't consider circumcision to be medically necessary, there are some medical reasons for performing one. Those include preventing recurring infections of the head of the p*nis, avoiding obstruction of urine flow that can result when the prepuce's opening narrows, and preventing a tight prepuce from retracting over the glans. Also, circ*mcision may reduce the incidence of penile cancer (a very rare condition).
Even barring these considerations, infections, including urinary tract infections in infants, are less common in a circ*mcised p*nis. That's because a circ*mcised p*nis is easier to keep clean. (By pulling back the uncirc*mcised for*skin and cleaning carefully, a man can reduce the formation of smegma. Finally, circ*mcision might have a small protective effect against AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), "some research suggests that circumcised men may be at a reduced risk for developing syphilis and HIV infections." Some scientists blame any increased risk in uncircumcised p*nises on increased mucosal cells that can allow infection to enter more easily. What's more, microorganisms can flourish in a warm, moist area under the for*skin."
Okay - I've made my point.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
I was recently reading Christ the Lord out of Egypt by Anne Rice (suprisingly well done by the "vampire" author). We were all talking about the Christmas story and the blood line of Jesus. At first it was said it was just Joseph who was from the blood line of David. But, to me, that didn't make sense because Joseph was not his biological father. I started googling and asking a few people who are scholarly. It is interesting that the arabs still marry within the family. and that's what happened then - Joseph and Mary were both from the line of David. But, throughout these discussions it was brought up and I even read about it in many books. You COULD deny one of your own children in those days legally but you COULD NOT legally deny an adopted child. Once that child was adopted (like Jesus was "adopted" by Joseph) Everything was due them from your lineage. You were "grafted" into the vine of the family. Their lineage and forefathers were yours.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Why does it have to be us against them? Why do so many people have to be negatively affected by adoption? There are adopted mothers who are SO against the mothers who gave birth to their children and there are birthmothers who are so angry with the adopted mothers. Wasn't it Rodney King that said "can't we just all get along?"
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Saturday, November 25, 2006
in fact, I know I saw my one half sister bellydance (the only pale blond who does it around here). And my half brother came to my church and sat three rows ahead of us. I didn't know who he was though at the time---so weird. Anyway, they had a great time with the baby and took lots of pictures. I did find out that her mom had to have a knee replacement and she had to have both done-----yikes! I hope my knees stay healthy. Her mother has also gone blind with macular degeneration. I was sort of happy when I didn't know all that. Nice day.....
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Saturday, November 18, 2006
It's hard to fathom, it's difficult to believe, it's inconcievable that your own flesh could reject you. I think maybe that's how the mothers feel, what they are afraid of subconciously?. I think they don't want to feel rejected, hated, hurt anymore than they have been. They did one of the most difficult things they would ever do and they blame themselves, authority figures, the agency, the social worker, the adopted parents, the government, the system....mostly themselves. It hurts too much to think that someone they love so much may not feel the same, may be happy without being with them, may have had a better life without them in it. It hurts. Let me assure those people, it DOES NOT mean we reject you or hate you if we have had a good life, if it worked out for us, isn't that what you have prayed/hoped for? Or would you have been just a little glad if life wasn't anygood without you?
I was out of town two nights and was a little glad to hear the baby cried the first night....like maybe she missed me. I was hurt when I heard the next night she was happy and content....didn't she still miss me? Of course I wanted my husband to have a good time with her, but it still hurt a little. Mind you, this does not even touch the tip of the iceberg with relinquishing a child, but you get my meaning. You want the best for them, great parents who will take careof them, love them, treat them as their own flesh and blood. Then they feel rejected and hurt when they don't feel warm and fuzzy and come at you with open arms in reunion. Now, don't think I mean this in a derogatory way....just the feeling I get from many mother's who relinquished....
Things are not all okay with the system....I went to a well respected agency who plays by the book for our adoption, but there are many who do not. I was adopted in the day with all closed adoptions but my biomom was 21 and knew what she had to do. She went to a well respected agency as well, and when it was all said and done she was happy to know I was okay but I think very disappointed I was really okay....deep down I think it hurt her that I wasn't psychogically damaged by it all. After all, it has been/is intensly personal to her....to me, she was/is a stranger.
If we do not want a full blown relationship it is NOT a rejection, it is NOT personal about who you are as a person or what you "did to us". It is simply happiness with a life that you may not have chosen for us but one that we have been placed in by circumbstance and happiness followed. Be proud of who we have become, the good genes you passed on, the love we felt in the womb and know we can live in your hearts if for some reason we cannot have the relationship with you that your heart longs for.
She said they thought we would be snobs but they have both talked about how nice and happy we were when we met....how that has helped them....that felt good.
The hardest thing to read...."the best thing that ever happened to me, the only thing that ever made me feel whole and I gave her away".....we both cried about that.
We love them and we pray for their happiness.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
I am not a biological mother who has not seen my child for years. So my writing, my thoughts my feelings.....they come from where I have been and where I am. They are as individual as snowflakes. No one has the same experiences and feelings...no one has the same past. I've thought about not ever being adopted....I've wondered if my life would have been different. My biomom and I have talked about it and my biodad and I have also talked a lot about it too. There is a regret that they never knew me but a feeling of relief now that they know how I grew up, that I am happy and healthy and was a nornal happy kid. They would have NOT worked together....they didn't really even like eachother.....thus I would have been a child of divorce. And probably not right away. He would have had to give up college and marry my her. That was a given then. The parents all decided not to even tell him that she was pregnant with his child. They kept that from him and took it to their grave. Neither of them knew the parents even met. That was wrong and deceptive. There wasn't a choice even given....I think that was very wrong. But I don't know what would have happened had it been different.
Someone wrote to me that my adoption situation is not very healthy, because I have a "secret" reunion, but my parents aren't fearful. I don't know how they would react--I guess they might be hurt I didn't tell them. I don't want them to think I don't love them %100 because I do. Why should they know that I have met them? What a weird situation. Why should they feel at all like I may not have loved my life with them. They have never given me any reason to NOT to want to be a part of that family.
My biomom had no choice, you are right there....no one offered to help...times were different. There is nothing for HER to be grateful for, that's for sure. Maybe I'm grateful to God for letting me get such great parents....When we first met I told her I was thankful she gave me life. In today's world unwanted pregnancies, inconvienient pregnancies, suprises.....they get illiminated all too easy. I have never told her I am grateful she gave me up....that seems like a slap in the face. I can be grateful in my mind (like i said, grateful to God). I AM grateful for my life, I'm grateful for my parents.
And it IS speculating what my life "would have been", I wouldn't know the difference if I was brought up as her daughter. so it doesn't matter. But I know both of them have said they wouldn't have the families they have now had the tables been turned.
I know that many of the mothers won't want to read this ....but even though we have a nice relationship, I don't really think I would be friends with my biomom except for our blood tie. Her personality is not like that of my friends. I am walking on thin ice here...I know some are gritting their teeth.....I know some of it is nurture but we just are too diffrerent....I'm sorry that people have had terrible mothers, I'm sorry that some mothers and adoptees feel cheated. I still don’t wish I had been kept. I'm sorry...I know people will be mad or claim I'm fooling myself. To be a mother who has lost their child to adoption has to be like losing a limb and you want them to reunite with you, fall in love (like you have loved them for years) and never want to be apart. I can only tell you how I feel. I wish we had more in common, I wish we could have a better relationship. Others have met in reunion and instantly clicked. They go on to have wonderful relationships. Others have turned down relationships all together. I'm glad there is a mutual resect and friendship but that's all I have. I pray people get what they want and need from reunion. I know all the mothers that want the great reunion experience will not like me for saying all this.....but I know myself....that's the only person I can know.
Please, no one take this as a put down, an insult, a sermon....like I said....we are all snowflakes, every situation in different, everyone's experience different...no one can know how another person feels.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
I hestitate to write this....except that this is totally annoymous. My Agency e-mailed and said my sweety's biomom came in to drop off a letter and some pictures. The social worker was softening what I would feel when we read the letter. She wrote she regrets placing the baby but knows it's the best thing for her. I don't think it would have bothered me as much as they think. I don't think she would be normal if she didn't feel regret. What kind of a person would she be? She told the lady that she is having a hard time and it's bittersweet to recieve pictures.
I grieve for her even though she said she knows what she did was right. I look at our peanut and think how I would feel giving her up.....it would kill me. The agency asks that we pray for her and love our doll as much as we can and that's all we can do for her. The agency is trying to provide counciling but she has refused. I hope she gets the help she needs...
Please don't hit me with a bunch of stuff about this....it already hurts too much.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
On a lighter (and less expensive) note....
We went to a Cracker Barrell (I know, cheesy....but so tasty) and we were being watched by a little girl of about 3. Her mom and dad and sister (about 2 years her senior) were being a little less obvious but everybody was watching my sweety. When my hubby got up to go to the restroom, I had no choice but to acknowledge the beautiful, cureous little girl. The family pretended to ignore that she was at my table by then and chattering away. After a minute or two her mom discouraged "bothering" us but it was no bother. I was asking her about her halloween costume and she told me she was a princess. She also said, practically in the same breath, that she had a birthmark. I pretended I was very impressed and told her that a birthmark is the sign of a princess! She was so thrilled. Her bigger sister finally piped up and said "my dad was homecoming king!". I said to the mother (after we all laughed for a whole minute) that her daddy has left a big impression on that child....she had a daddy that was a king at one time ---that must be amazing in a 5 year old mind!
In the middle of all of it - my husband came back and we packed up to leave. The 3 year old came over and hugged my legs....i bent down with the baby and she hugged each of us.....it made my night!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
I'm glad that in my state you have to wait six months to finalize an adoption. The judge and lawyer told us not to worry about it because the biomom and biodad both were in agreement, they were counciled and given options etc. but many who may not have told the biodad, or were coerced in a desperate time can have that six months to ensure no "funny business " went on, everything was done as much in the law as could be. Our date was set for December 20. Her name will be officially changed and she will be officially our daughter. It's like people getting married after living together for years....it's just a piece of paper now, our hearts have been sealed since the day they told us about her.
She started to crawl last night! This baby time is going by so fast, and she'll be a toddler before we know it....i love every second!
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Some of these ladies are ANGRY!
by Diane Turski
I had never heard the term "birthmother" until I reunited with my son. When the social worker who located me referred to me as his "birthmother," my first reaction was to instinctively recoil in distaste. What is a "birthmother?" It occurred to me that perhaps she had merely applied this ridiculous sounding term in an attempt at political correctness, so I ignored it. However, when my son's adoptive mother initiated her first contact with me she referred to him as my "birthson." What is a "birthson?" And what would a "birthfather" be - I didn't know that fathers gave birth! In a "birthfamily" are there also "birthsisters," "birthbrothers," "birthgrandparents," "birthaunts," "birthuncles," "birthcousins," "birthpets," etc?
She even says "birthmother means breeder"I am offended by this as an adoptee. Whenever I have used the word "Birthmother" there has been nothing but respect behind it. My "bithmother" is just that....the woman who gave birth to me----that's a big deal. She is not my mother, thats the woman that raised me. But it takes nothing from what this woman did, I don't see her as simply a "breeder" or a nobody.
I do prefer "Biomom" because it explains it's the woman who made me biologically. She gave me my DNA...What I look like and many of my likes and dislikes.... what's so wrong about that??
She is my mother who gave me birth - she IS my BIRTHMOTHER!
Monday, October 09, 2006
I love my friends from Iraq. I love their food, their culture, their kindness ----i love those kids like they were my own.
Now, why are there so many different views on what the US is doing over in their country? My friend is over there now and his family is here. He is being an interpretor to help the US...he is putting himself in ALOT of danger to help the US get rid of all the trash over there that is ruining their country. When he was here for a month he was so sad that so many Iraqis are so against the US being there. He has seen it from the inside of the military, he knows what they are going through.....no one is grateful. Some say it was better when Sadam was in charge!!! Do they know what war is? War is HELL, war is aweful but maybe it's what is needed for change. My friend is so sad his country is in such termoil and he thinks it will take years for there to be any change. But there WILL BE change. If the US leaves there will be more caos, more bloodshed than anyone can imagine. There will be NO PEACE, for ANYONE left in Iraq.
I pray for his safety and for the safety of all the innocent Iraqis........
Sunday, October 08, 2006
I know many Biomoms don't like it but I totally forget my baby is adopted and not mine. I don't think about it for a long time and then someone brings it up.....and i think...."oh yea" for a split second it suprises me. I guess it's the same way being adopted myelf----i forget. I tell my parents they are the best mom and dad anyone could have. I don't give it another thought that I'm not biological . They are mom and dad - %100. When I think about what my daughter will look like I imagine a thin dark version of T....then i think - "no, wait her biodad has red hair and has children with blond hair....she must look like her bio mom, but she was short and biodad was tall so maybe she'll be tall like him/us" .....and then I forget again. She looks so much like us....she has my hair color, T's eyes, my dimple and she's left handed like T----so weird.
You know her biomom (and biodad) will always be a part of her (just as mine are a part of me - thier DNA made us have our looks and our tastes) but it's something you just don't think about most of the time. That makes me sad because I know the biomoms are always thinking about them. But.....think about it like this: You would want parents for your baby who don't think about your child as someone else's but love them SO much they forget that they are not their biological child.
I LOVE MY BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, September 24, 2006
I know so many adopted people and so many people who have adopted. But I only know two biomoms who have relinquished a child.
My cousin and I have both found our biomoms....she is very close to hers. She was 14 when she got pregnant and her family sent her away and then she had to "pretend" she was never pregnant after she relinquished. My biomom was 21 and her mother said you "give that baby away or you are on your own". Neither had a choice. None of my other adopted friends (25 to 45) have any desire to find any bios....weird, you'd think they would at least be curious.
My friends who have adopted have foreign or semi-open adoptions. There are a few friends who have adopted multiculturally from foster care --- they are extra precious and sweet. My friend i grew up with had a brother and sister from Korea....I remember, as a child, when they joined my "second family"....it was so cool and felt totally natural,normal, never thought anything about them being different from us.
It's strange how much adoption has touched our lives - what could be the reason? I meet so many people and they don't know anyone who is adopted or has adopted....weird that we know so many.
Monday, September 18, 2006
I got a box on my porch the other day and knew by the address that it was from my biomom. She sent the baby a pair of shoes - they are really cute and the invoice was inside - $32! I would never spend that much on shoes the baby will wear a few times. I guess that's why it's a good gift.....i'd never buy them. I feel guilty accepting gifts from her - I feel like it's a bribe and by accepting it I am obligated somehow. I don't think she means it this way but I feel a little guilty.
It all started after I found her. I told her I used a private detective that took $350 and "looked until she found"---it took 2 years. She sent me a check for $350 and wrote a note that it was "the least she could do" after this many years. I used it to buy a mantle clock i gave to her that had a secret compartment in the back. I wrote a poem about time we lose and the time we have lost...i hid it in the secret compartment.(i wish i would have kept a copy, i asked recently and she found it and lost it).
At first she sent me the most awesome gifts on holidays - any holiday, even little one's like Labor Day. I felt bad really, they were guilt gifts but i felt bad saying no. The most meaningful gifts were 1)a little ring that her uncle had given her when she was 12 - this was the uncle that gave her refuge after i was born. 2)two framed art pieces that her mother painted 3)old pictures of her and her mother
these are gifts that cost nothing but hold much meaning......those are the ones i treasure. I HATE the guilt gifts.....i accept them because she feels she must give them---they are more for her.....
I will say, i think the baby gifts are cute but they are more than guilt gifts......they are what she would have wanted to buy me, and that's even harder to accept.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
I'm sorry, but if the September 11th anniversary doesn't invoke some anger towards terrorism then you are a stupid liberal idiot. I'm not saying to hate all Iraqi's or Muslims or anyone else. I'm saying it should make you MAD, ANGRY, DISCUSTED at the radical element that could think that blowing up almost 3,000 people would do anything for their "cause". They can put it under the guise of Islam but it's just a bunch of crazy lunatics misinterpreting their religion.
I'm not saying I agree in the Islamic principals and beliefs but I know they aren't about blowing people up. That's like saying all Christians want to blow up abortion clinics.
The unfortunate thing here is WE will NOT change their minds. The Iraqis I know want peace, a better life for their families and democracy. But how are we to fight a bunch of "crazy muslims" who will NOT change their minds? Do we blow them all up? Do we let them live blowing other people up? It's a hard decision.............I'm glad I don't have to make it.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GOD don't let it be the democrats that decide ----I think we'll all be sorry at the outcome!
Thursday, August 24, 2006
It's weird thinking I am adopted and now i have an adopted daughter. I talk freely about her adoption but I do not mention my own. Most people don't know that I am adopted also and try to tell me all the things she'll feel and want, etc. It cracks me up. When i talk about it they must think I've really done my reading and research.
Being adopted is no different that any other state in life. It's like someone telling me I had my tonsils out when I was 5 ----I don't remember it. It didn't hurt me and it still doesn't hurt me.....
I think my birthparents are nice, it's cool to see old pictures and even to know my 1/2 siblings but it's really not that important. I will maintain contact because it's good to know them and keep up with them but I feel no particular fondness or bond. I know my birthmom does and it kills her I don't feel the same way. My birthfather is cool and feels the same way I do. Both families are very nice.
I'm not afraid of my daughter being around my birthfather's family at all but I do not trust my birthmother to keep her mouth closed to the baby about who she is. I don't want my mom and dad to know that I even know who the birthparents are ----it will get sticky i'm sure. For now they have both seen her and adore her (who wouldn't) but she is clueless as to who they may be.....at least for now.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
We only have one life to live. We have very little time and so many people are filling up that time with bitterness and regret. It is a choice they make....it is a mission for some.
There is one blog called "I hate adoption".....an adoptee who was placed with aparents who weren't good. There is another written by a birthmother who is still trying to come to terms with her relinquishment. I'm sure they don;t think about it 24/7 but these women (and many others----LOTS MORE) are affected SO much in their lives by what has happened in the past. YES, we are are past and we are changed by circumbstances but there is a choice made. Why do people who were abused as children marry abusers? That is normal to them, eventhough it's horrible, that's how things feel right. These women have had bad experiences but they live in the middle of it still.
I was adopted and I'm an adopted mom now. I want my baby to feel what I did growing up....loved, secure, happy.
I pray that other adoptees and birthmothers can put aside the past, learn from it but not live in it......
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
I don't think I'll be able to stand it now that i have to go back to work. I don't want anyone else to see her do anything first. I saw when she first grabbed something for herself, when she found her feet, started sucking her thumb, when she started babbling and now that she's found she has a tongue - i was there for the first time she did it! I DON'T want someone to say "she xxxx for the first time today after you dropped her off" I will scream....i want it all.....and not to miss that time. Please God let me win the lottery....i'll use it wisely, i promise.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Sweetcakes bio-mom is our business and her business - not anyone else's. If she wants to share info about her when she's older it's up to her....I'm not a tell-all. When asked questions like did you meet the birthparents....I just say "yes...they are both very sweet.".
It was good to hear that her bio-mom met with the social worker and picked up our first packet. She is always offered couciling whenever she would need it but when she was asked this time about it she said they didn't think they needed counciling because they met us and feel really good about where she is. That made me feel good...knowing they feel good about it.
I didn't know I had this much love in me!!!!!
Thursday, July 27, 2006
My old pastor adopted a bi-racial baby girl. She came out of the foster care system and has been with their family for about 6 years (adopted 4 years ago). They recently went to the doctor because of some minor kidney problems she's having. the doctor asked this whiter that white fifty something year old man if he knew if their was any kidney problems in the family and he started to tell him that he had kidney stones a few years back and was going into detail when he saw the doctor looking at him funny (he knew she was adopted). He laughed, he had honestly forgotten....
I can't forget that a woman has given me the most wonderful thing in my life. But honestly, i totally forget i didn't give birth to this child myself. She is the most spectacular little thing---every day is a blessing!!!
Monday, July 17, 2006
I was concerned my friends from Iraq would have a difficult time understanding the whole adoption process. I tried to keep it simple and said there was a baby who's mother couldn't raise her on her own but she wanted us to take the baby and make her ours. The girls were very concerned about the mother - it was very sweet. We talked a lot about her and I told them she was a really sweet girl and it wasn't easy for her. The Iraqi mother told me that somtimes a woman can't take care of their baby so she would bring the baby to the mosque and leave them there with a note "please take care of my baby". There are women at the mosque all the time and one would come along and find the baby and they would all decide who would take the child home and raise him/her as their own. No corrupt system, no bribes or waiting years and years....but then again, there is no help for that birthmother, no counciling and no way to make sure the baby is okay (unless they stick around and watch--which they sometimes do).
Sunday, July 09, 2006
It makes me so mad that there are still birthmothers out there that have this rally cry against all adoptions. Just because they have had a bad experience they believe all women who relinquish their children must be coerced and manipulated into doing so. Even though many of these woman have thought about this, given it a lot of thought and found an agency to go to. Most of these agencies do provide counceling and an opportunity to parent if they choose to. Or they go on the internet and find parents for their babies. Yes, there are women who have had good experiences and feel good about where their children were placed. There ARE children who were better off where they went ----I am one of them. We are NOT against all of you, so why are you against all of us??
Friday, July 07, 2006
I really like my biomom-she's nice. But now i have this baby things are getting weird! She asked "How will this work? will she call me grandma?" YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!
I said "it would be quite confusing to call you grandma, i guess she'll call you by your first name and when she is older she will find out who you really are. " I told her my parents mean the world to me and i would NEVER hurt them and it WOULD hurt them if they knew i knew her. This is going to get sticky i fear!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
The more I think about it, "tummy mommy" should not really be offensive at all. I don't think it takes away from what the biological mother did and actually acknowledges her as the person who cared for the child the first 9 months of their being. What offends me as an adoptee and an adopted mom is people saying "real mom" or "first mom" - when people say that i want to scream!! My "real mom" is the one who raised me. The people who are so against any phrasing are the birthmoms who feel guilt. I feel for them - they had to make a decision and whether that decision came out of coersion, or thoughtful maturity, there is that regret and guilt and "what ifs". It may hurt them to hear certain phrases or words that don't abide by their "rules" of adoption terms but i am offended by many of the terms they use - like "first mom". my bio mom was NEVER my "first mom". She made a decision - not coerced - and there was still some guilt. She does not regret her decision just feels guilty about it.
There will always be those who see adopted moms as "The Enemy" and we have ripped these children from the arms of their rightful mothers. As an adoptee I can't stand that....my parents are awesome and i wouldn't change it for the world. The guilt these women feel have blinded them and some even stew in it until they become so bitter they leave messages of curses and tell us how horrible we are. Even though we are giving a loving home to a child we find to be the most precious person on earth. Isn't that what these women should want?
Monday, July 03, 2006
It still suprises me when women are SO against adoption and adopted parents loving and parenting their child. No child should live with being reminded every single day they are adopted. I had a wonderful childhood and was not bombarded every day with it. They didn't talk about it but i knew. The birthmothers at our agency pick the couple, they meet and they have a say so. The birthmother of my baby is sweet and told the agency recently she feels good about her decision because she met us and saw how we were with her and we all got along so well. She is ubale to parent because of her health and knew somone else would have to raise her child. I couldn't wait to send her a letter, pictures and a copy of all the music we play and sing with....i'll always remember her much more than the baby. I know my bios were like strangers to me.
As I hold my precious baby in my arms, all my emptyiness is gone. We've been waiting for her for a long time. I can't believe i didn't give birth to her myself - she's such a part of me. I guess we all look at this from diffrerent angles and i would never take away what birthmother's must feel by i'm not going to let them down me for loving my baby.....
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
okay - there is not one good way of saying anything about adoption without offending people. We went to court and the biological parents told the judge they relinquish all their rights to these NEW parents. They wanted us to take over the parenting job, to make this baby our own. This does NOT take away the fact that another woman made the decision to go through pregnancy, give birth and have to go through the pain of relinquishment. It also does NOT mean she will be forgotten or discarded. She could not parent because of health reasons that will just get worse, she and the biofather made a mature decision and we all got to talk about it together. Using the phrase that is most PC to birthmothers does not change anything, it does not make anything different. The feelings they have about thier own relinqishment and the feelings that the parents who adopted have are going to be the same. I think it's time to think about the child. "tummy mommy" and "forever mommy" is a little easier for a small child to understand than "biological mother" or even "first parent" - how confusing......
I am devoted to making this child happy. I know what it feels like to be adopted and i want her to feel as good about it as i do. I also know how my bio mom feels about it and my best friend (who relinquished a child 20 years ago). I trust those two and if other biomoms are offended i cannot help that. Maybe they need to re-examine their own feelings about it and see that maybe the child's happiness is more important - isn't that why they entrusted the child to someone else?
We are not raising this baby for someone else-she is now ours--the best way to honor the person who gave this child life and entrusted us with her, is to be awesome parents. We pray for her biological parents everyday. I think about her when i take pictures because i will be sending her pictures and letters. But I am her mommy now.....
Monday, June 19, 2006
I can not even imagine my life without her. It's hard to believe i didn't give birth to this child. She is ours in our hearts and so much a part of us. I will never be able to forget about her "tummy mommy", but I am her forever mommy andI am so grateful to have her in our lives. I love when i give her a bottle and she holds my hand. I love when i hold her in the crook of my arm and she reaches up to touch my skin. I love when i out her in bed with me at 3 in the morning and she curls up next to me and takes her binky and falls right to sleep like that's what she wanted all along. Her coos, her sighs, her wimpers, her cries, I love it all. I know why people move to smaller houses and go to one income - i don't want to leave her, i want to see everything she does, be with her all the time. But when do you get anything done???
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Yesterday was bittersweet. We got along so well with the birthparents (she called herself that). We met back at the agency after court and we gave them their gifts - everyone cried and it was a very emotional time. I had been sick for the whole two weeks with butterflies - i know now it was for them. I know it had to be torturous waiting for 2 hours in the hall way to be seen in court....
They were the sort of couple we would have as friends or relatives....each couple felt at ease. She picked us, she said, because I was adopted and because we looked genuinely happy in our pictures. The others were faking smiles and we weren't---that made us feel good and i knew again just how much they love that child. When i first met her I told her I was glad the baby smiled at her at her visit the day before and it made her cry-I also told her I knew why the baby was so pretty...because she is so pretty. I saw pictures of his two little boys - they are SO cute. I'm SO glad we had the opportunity to meet them - we took pictures and I told her I knew how much she loved the baby and we wouldn't let her forget that. J and I both told them we would pray for them every day. We will send pic about 5 times this year and at least two times a year until she is old enough to meet them if she wants to.
I LOVE THIS BABY>>>>>mommyhoood callssssss
Saturday, June 03, 2006
We get to bring our baby home next week. It is killing me not having her with us, but only having seen her twice I am so in love! T feels it too, an overwhelming desire to protect her, shelter her, hold her---she is ours.
We will meet the bioparents when we get everything settled in court. Tonight my friend and I went to buy gifts. What do you give someone who is giving you the most precious gift a person could give? Here's your scarf, here's your baby? I could never repay the debt I owe for this wonderful little person I love and adore. I bought two matching stuffed animals, both dressed the same and then I bought a necklace with a charm that is engraved with the initials they gave her. I figured she could wear it if she wants. The animal has it on now. We will take pictures with that every time we take them to send to her. That way she will be looking at the same animal as the baby. We bought a watch for the biodad.....had no idea what to get him, so I hope he likes it. Well, maybe we'll get to see her again next week before the final day!!!!! I can't wait!!
Friday, June 02, 2006
Her Name is about Love because we are so much in love with her it hurts. We won't have her with us until June 9th.....but we can't wait. I love that her biological parents love her and visit her. They just don't want to start off this early with a baby. She wants to go to college and he pays child support for two others. They want to do what's best for her. She is loved also at the foster mother's house and has been to their lake house every weekend - not to mention Chucky Cheese, and a number of other restaurants and malls. She's a travelin' baby! She's the cutest thing - beautiful really and my arms feel empty every minute we are apart. I never thought I could love another human being this way. I love my husband but this baby is already a part of us, of me. I held her and it felt just right the way her little body fit in my arms, the way she looked at me and the way she held onto my finger. I know those are just things babies do (I've had plenty of nieces and nephews), but this was different. She belongs to us, she is a part of me just like my heart. I would kill anyone to goes to harm her, I would throw myself in front of a bus so she wouldn't get hit.....I am seriously in love!
Sweetness in a little package, Love in a bundle, She is my joy......
Friday, May 26, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Went to lunch with my bio dad and my 1/2 brother. We get along so well, it's weird. We all have the same warped sense of humor. J is in town all summer before he goes back to school (getting his Master's). And he told his dad he'd like to get together again "just to hang out" ...we do get along great....very comfortable with him. I'm proud to say he is adorable as well (must run in the family). I think I freaked B out a little when J and I were talking:
J: I love candy
Me: I do too
J: I love orange suckers, orange is my favorite flavor
Me: Me too, that's my favorite
J: I HATE banana anything
Me: Me too , that artificial banana taste - yuck
J: I know, I hate anything that's supposed to taste like banana except the real thing
Me: Me too!
The whole time B was watching us like he was at a tennis match, back and forth....then he covered his shaking head.....it freaked him out just a little....
His daughter and I have weird little things too - exactly the same....like neither of us can STAND someone else touching our pillow.....how obscure is that.
Monday, May 22, 2006
I drove home on Friday from playing golf and I got to the end of an alley and there is an exit to a gas station there and also a bus stop. There was a woman there sitting on the curb waiting for a bus. She was not an old woman but she looked homeless, meek, scared even--maybe in her 50s. It was drizzly and a dreary, rotten day. As I pulled to the end of the alley a car came out of the gas station and two teenage girls threw an open beer can at this woman waiting for the bus. The can hit her and ber spilled all over her clothes. The girls yelled something too but I couldn't hear it. The woman didn't even look up and she looked scared. I honked like i have never honked before - i was SO mad! I stopped my car and rooled down my window. I asked the woman if she was alright and she mumbled something. She may have been a crack head....but no one deserves that. I told the woman those girls were loses and I apologized for how bad theyh were to her. I told her to have a good day and I drove off. I was upset about that all the way home.
That night I went to sing at a "Senior Prom". I do it every year with my little jazz band. The seniors from a high school come in all dressed up to a nursing home and dance with the senior citizens. It a ritzy school in a nice part of town and there has been a dwindling number of students the past five years. It started with about 20-25 of them then year by year there are fewer. This year there were two and two teachers. It was embarrassing. The two that came were foreign and did not dance. In fact, they stood behind people and refused to talk to people. Okay, i was upset already and now where are the freaking teens???? Where are the ones who really aren't bad and selfish and full of themselves??
The McDonalds and a few other fast food restaurants in our area employ many people over 65 because they can't find teens to do it --ARG!!!
My child will be caring - i was showed how to care about others, i had great role models......Who are these kids parents???????????????
Okay folks - are there decent teeangers left??
I saw this movie on Saturday afternoon on the "Mega Screen". I got there with about 5 minutes to spare and a pretty empty parking lot. I shared the theater with about 40 other folks and no one seemed too impressed as i left the theater when it was over. For a Ron Howard work of "FICTION" it left much to be desired. If fact, it was a little "preachy" at times as the actors gave their little bits of "wisdom" about Christianity itself.....I predict that most of the hype was brought on by publisicts and the controversy was stirred like a boiling pot by the studio. I give the movie (for movie sake) a C- and the actors a C+. As far as the history, the book gave more interesting history of Opus Dae and the Knights of the Templar. This movie fell Short, Short, Short.....
This article is pretty funny about the movie - check it out...... TOWN HALL - Di Vinci Code
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Only 2 bios left for now (until the other couples working on them get finished). Some girl is going to walk in and there will be two to show her - two. can we be bigger losers------yes we could, if they pick the other profile. I thought our profile looked great, fun, young.....loving. What's wrong with these people??
Eating lunch next week with my biodad. Mybe I'll call the biomom and see if family can meet for lunch soon.......
Sunday, May 14, 2006
So even at one out of three, we are losers. I keep telling myself that the right situation and the right person will come along - i must be patient----T just lives life and doesn't worry about much. He doesn't put much thought into things at all. He lives in the "Life is good" mentality exept for much about himself (he never thinks he's good enough).....I am much less patient with this!
At the same time -it scares me a little to actually get picked....change our lives and turn them up-side-down. That's what this will do. And we're not young----sometimes I think there is a reason God made people fertile so young and menopause at my age------because people my age are too old to have children-----babies are for the young.
The wait continues
Friday, April 28, 2006
That's how i know her. She is a college student in our state who wants to go home to another state to have her baby. The father is also a college student and i don't know much about him yet. She wants fully open but is willing to look at the semi-open profiles (that's us). It is a small agency so there are only three profiles to choose from and the other two want fully open. There would be some travel and some extra expense to go between states.......now it's up to her. The nice thing is - the baby is due the day of our 15th anniversary................what a gift that would be!!!!
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
People are sensative when you talk about things that are close to them. You don't talk about politics and religion with people when you don't know them well. You also don't blog about adoption without asking for trouble. Everyone has their own feelings about it - and if your in the "triad" everyone is coming at it from a different angle.
The adoptees either are grateful and happy for the great life that they have had or they are bitter and angry about the bad life they have had and wish they could have grown up in a better place - which would translate into their biofamily. Some say they are happy but somehow think they have been wronged seriously by not having known their bios. I guess others are just wanting to know - i can't blame them for that.
Adopted parents are either SO OPEN that they are against any other form of adoption (semi-open, closed). Some are very against totally open adoptions and others are willing to have open adoption only if it works out and the biomom and aparents are able to have that sort of a relationship. Each one is sensative and gets upset when anyone has a different opinion.
biomoms are a very sensative bunch. They feel the way they do and NO ONE can say anything without them thinking they are saying they are wrong or they shouldn't feel that way. They are the bunch i feel the worst about. These ladies are usually still hurting even after years.....it's all still right there.
Being sensative isn't wrong.....but everyone needs to search themselves and ask am I too sensative about this? Am I over reacting about that?
The unfortunate thing is there is no bkack and white anymore. Everything has a 1000 grey areas. Now I realize there are some things that change from person to person but there should be more is only black and white.....right and wrong.
One thing that is true - adoption is complicated. Every situation is different but the KEY is to so what is best for the child involved - they are the ones who don't have the choice in the matter.....
One reply from MICH (copied and pasted--didn't want her getting a bunch of mean gals going on her blog):
And I think the other part of this is that people need to be respectful of different view points. I agree the adoption is a very sensitive subject for all involved on some levels....either the misconceptions, the stupid assumptions and questions can leave anyone involved feeling run over and fragile. But everyone needs to keep in mind that "one adoption story" is just that--one adoption story. So respect for each story, each individual triad is SOOO important.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
I could write one about being happy and being brought up in a good home, being adopted and having a great life but no one would care, no one would read it and It would be a waste of time. I have read all the adoption books and they are scary....I'm sure they are true but the market only calls for and asks for the bad stories----more interesting, just like bad stories on the news.
I have ideas for books..... my friend and I decided to write a book of book titles.....we always come up with really good titles for books.....we're good that way. I have a great idea for a kids book and I have an awesome and original idea for a novel that would make an even better movie----a suspense story - ooooooh i get excited about it. I have a name for my main character and most of the particulars but I need someone to write it ....as you can tell, I'm not much of a writer. How do I find someone to do that? Anyone have any suggestions?
Monday, April 17, 2006
Not only am I adopted by an earthly father (and mother), I'm privledged to be counted as an adopted into the family of GOD. Christians have that in common....and I think that is why there are so many Christians who strongly belive in adoption. Now, there are those who do not like Christians....that;s fine. There are those who dispute the fact that children flourish and do the best in a two parent, heterosexual household---even though studies have proved it time and time again. Can a child grow and flourish when there is a divorce? Of course - but it's a much rougher path. The unfortunate thing is that the divorce rate is over %50 now. What does this mean to the poor children? What is the divorce rate among people who adopt?? Parents who adopt have a lower than adverage divorce rate......
Okay, so read a nice article written by a birthmother.....HERE
I agree not all birthmother are happy and at peace....no one expects them to be. But anyone who is a Christian knows the peace that passes all understanding. No one is jumping for joy about their child being placed with someone else...... but God has a way to heal wounds and people who do not know Him cannot understand it. I was on the "other side" and know the difference. I know the joy that it can bring. Joy does NOT equal happiness. Joy from God is a deep feeling of.....contentment, peace, a knowing.......and much more. It does NOT mean by any sense of the word thta Christians are HAPPY all the time. That just is NOT true.
If you are NOT a Christian I am not saying all this to sway you, convince you, draw you in. I want you to know taht there ARE woman who have placed their children - even those who have not seen those children in 20 years, who are at peace with that decision. It doesn't mean they are happy with the decision they made, it doesn't mean they do not have regrets but they do not dwell on them and let it burn a whole into their soul. And we should NOT belittle them and tell them they must be "fooling themselves" or that they haven't "embraced their sadness" or anything else.....they are at peace and it's okay.........
In October my loving husband got so excited over a homerun ball that he hugged me and dislocated my collarbone. I wish I could say I was delicate but I am not. I think my hubby is just a little to over enthusiastic about sports and a little too strong for his own good. Why do I bring this up? Well, I have been sick since December. I get better and get sick again...it's frustrating to say the least. Everytime I get sick I wonder what in the heck is wrong with me that I cannot stay healthy. On top of all that, I have a tendency to "throw a rib or two out" when I cough really hard. When i do that, it messes up every other muscle around it and I wind up not being able to move my head or arm....it's PAINFULL to say the least! I've been seeing a chiroprator (medically - lol) and he and the other doctor are both body builders....when they pop something back in place - they do it quickly and proficiently---on the first try. Unfortunately though, my Dr. has been "fixing" my rib and then it pops out again. I was starting to wonder. Today he asked another Dr. if he was missing something....I was the rat in the cage - being looked at and observed. I then asked if the collar bone "basball injury" had anythign to do with this...after all, it was swollen all weekend and I was unable to turn my head (GREAT Easter weekend---NOT). Their eyes lit up like little boys seeing a room full of matchbox cars....One started putting me in a vice grip, the other started pulling at me from another direction. If they weren't good Christian boys, I would say they were getting too much of a thrill from this....but WOW did I pop and crack---they put me through the wriger but when they were through with me - I WAS ME AGAIN! I probably could still use some "tweeking" but WOW---anyone says Chiroprators are not for real has NOT been through what I have!
Thursday, April 13, 2006
I took a test and this is what it said about me:
You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can. War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace. You are a good mediator and a true negotiator. Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy. While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental. You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take. On the flip side, you've got a great sense of humor and wit. You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Has anyone ever heard of this place in Knoxville Tennesee? It's a huge plot of ground that they use for research. They leave out bodies in the open to see what effects the environment and insects and wild animals have on them. They can study what heat and exposure does to the flesh so they can solve crimes easier.......but oh my! One of the senior men here want his body donated---but not because it will help anyone, but because it's the cheapest way. All you have to do is arrange transportation of the Body if you don't live within 50 miles of Knoxsville. Kind of sad. I would never want to know that my body was left to rot!
It's been there since the 70's but a woman named Patricia Cornwell wrote a book a few years ago, "Body Farm", and it became very popular. Boy scout leaders were calling to take tours ---ICK. I'm sure it's helpful but.....................eeeewwww. One article talked about studying the bugs cawling in and out of the nostrils and ears.......----GROSS!
**Click HERE for an intersesting article written by Lawrence Osborne from the NY Times (pictures (ick) taken by Sally Mann)
Monday, April 10, 2006
I know even the name sounds gross but I am so used to having a dry cough that hurts and my chest feeling like someone sitting on me. This stuff is AWESOME! I tell you - i want to do a commercial.....i love it!
On another note - I guess my biomom got flowers today instead of yesterday. The place called me this morning and said it hadn't gone out - thanks. They changed the card to "I hope you had a good day yesterday!" She hasn't called me to tell me she got them however. I hope she was happy with them..........
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Well, it's another year down - still childless. I am 38 today and feel more than my 38 years. I have been sick for 4 days and I am so ready to be better. Especially today----I wanted to go to church and then out to lunch with my friends....but instead my husband let me sleep too long (trying to be thoughtful) and i woke up at 9am - when we usually have to leave. I called him to complain about it and heard the familiar rumbling in my stomach - YIKES! Without even thinking about it I took two more Imodium ---- but that makes 6 pills in a 24 hour period, when the box says don't take more than 4---- On top of that, i was half asleep at 6am and I took 2 sinus pills and used a nose spray.........aside from killing my liver, at least I can breath....right?
All yesterday i couldn't even leave the house but after 4 Imodium I went to the store and bought the cutest suit. It was on sale from $180 to $70 and it makes me look thin (something that getting more and more difficult). I had to look nice because we were going to a nice restaurant and to see a show.....which was a bummer because i was afraid to eat anything. It was my favorite restaurant and i wound up with the seabass because everything else would have been too rich.......----I am NOT a fish person!.............then the show was just okay (or maybe it was me since i had a temperature)
So, this morning, sitting on the couch in my jammies with my laptop.....I am feeling a little sorry for myself. As much as I hate celebrating another birthday, it's still my birthday and i wanted to do something fun.
I did get to sit here and order a beautiful basket of flowers to be delivered to my biomom today.
At least I did something good today......the card just reads "I hope you have a great day".
She sent me a beautiful card and a check for $50. The front of the card read "Daughter, for yesterday, today and all the tomorrows to come....." the inside read "May you know how very much you're cared about, how very much you're loved"
She wrote a nice message about our "christmas lunch" last month but the card she picked out tells me how much she must feel.....
So here i sit.....my birthday......blowing my nose and waiting for the familiar rumblings in my abdomen------------I HATE being sick!
.......................................Happy birthday to me
Thursday, April 06, 2006
I know I have a bad immune system because my mother smoked during her pregnany then my aparents smoked when i was little (my dad until i was a teen). They didn't know any better then....but these kids today doing all these things during a pregnancy - FOR SHAME.
What about meth? Anyone know what that does to an unborn baby? What about alcohol? I know a few drinls won't hurt but fetal alcohol syndrome kicks in a what point? How many drinks would a mother have to ingest? What about pot?
These are all things I will have to find out more about if we are going to adopt - these things come up.......
Anyone have any ifo on this stuff?
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Okay - I want to confess to my ignorance. It's difficult to admit but I did not know something! (Shewww, I'm glad that's out...)
I went to Catholic school, I had a pretty good education and have a fairly high IQ but when you are not taught something, you shouldn't be ashamed you don't know it, right? For some reason I missed out on a few things in school. For example: I only learned the first half (alphabetically) of the state capitals. Don't ask me the capital of Nebraska or Washington or anything past M really. The teacher got cancer and had to leave during the middle of the year. I didn't learn about the constitution either, the teacher left for personal reasons and we had a substitute for the rest of the year - she barely went over government.....maybe it was a little boring at the time too, don't quote me on the whole thing?? Anyway, the only thing I knew about the constitution was what I've picked up over the years....like all this "Seperation of Church and State". But this is NOT mentioned in the constitution, nowhere, zip, notta, zilch . In fact, it has been taken out of context all together!
That term/phrase was used in a letter from Thomas Jefferson to a babtist (this is the spelling) minister/preacher who was concerned of a "state issued/run church". He stated in his letter that there would be a "seperation of church and state" - only meaning there would not be another "church of England."
And......... On Feb 28, 1892 the Supreme Court of the US ruled the United States to be a "Christian Nation."
Finally, the US was designed as a union of "Independent States" which means if you don't like the law where you live- MOVE!!!!!! (I know a bunch of people that should be moving to France or Amsterdam---check out their laws---they would fit in just fine and the US would be better off!)
Monday, April 03, 2006
This "progressive", idiotic state has told Catholic Charities it may not help children find homes, unless it agrees to do gay adoptions. What a load of Crap!!
Go to this interesting article about it all. There are links to contact your Senator regarding this new law. This would prohibit ANY adoption agency from placing children if they will not place with gay couples---I encourage all of you to contact your Senators and tell them this is bogus!! I don't care what side of the fence you are on this issue---no one should be able to walk into a Christian Agency and tell them they have to adopt out to anyone!! We would never walk into a natoriously GAY agency and put restrictions on them....the girls that go to the agency they choose specifically want a child to go to a particular sort of person or couple. This is about rights of these mothers just as much as it is about the agency. There are girls that want their child to only go to a Christian couple....what is wrong with that??? There are plenty of other girls who don't mind adopting their child to a gay person or persons----even though I don't agree that's a good thing - let them, it's their child to place! EWWW I'm glad I don't live in Massachusetts.... the founding fathers are spinning in their graves!
Thursday, March 30, 2006
I used to Love my Birthday. I told people weeks before that my birthday was coming up because I wanted everyone to know. My parents always treated me even more special on my birthday....I was #1 and could pick what I wanted to do, wear and eat. My mom made cupcakes for my whole class.....Even now my mom and dad take me out (usually on the day of) wherever I choose to go. Then, when we have a birthday party, on the Sunday before or after, my mom asks what i would like to eat---including dessert. We have the ME MEAL....My brother has even made me Creme Brule for my dessert, instead of cake, when i asked for it.
But the last few years my birthday has hit me hard. I'm not getting any younger. I'll be celebrating my 9th anniversary of my 29th birthday this year and it's a little disheartening. I was okay with not having children by thirty but forty would send me over the edge i think.
I signed up for a make-over contest and I had to send an essay about why we needed a makeover - this is what i sent:
Why We Need a Change
My husband and I have been married for fifteen years. We are the best of friends and have filled our lives with family, friends, trips and church activities. What most people don’t know about us is that we have been through over twelve years of infertility. While most of our friends were seeing the OB/GYN, we were seeing fertility specialists. While they were having children we were having treatments. While they were talking about their toddlers we were talking about our next trip or our jobs, trying to avoid the subject. They all made innocent comments about us not being tied down with children but it hurt; we wanted a house-full. But now we are adopting. We have completed our picture profile and all the paperwork and now we are just waiting to be chosen. We both need a break and a change to our lives before this much anticipated lifestyle transition that will come with a new baby. I am 38 and my husband is 42, making us older parents. We know we will be the best parents we can be but are a little anxious about being “hip” and young. I know there are many people out there who are in the same situation we are and I hope we can bring encouragement to them by showing there are people out there who are building families through adoption who are older and look and feel great. Please consider helping us!
I hope we win but I know we won't. We're not good for a magazine about families. They want to make-over the kids and show their bright shiney faces. Not a hopeless, pathetic, aging couple waiting for a child to come into their lives. Who cares right?
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Yesterday there was an 89 year old woman in the lobby scared, trembling and in tears. The receprionist told me (while i was on the phone) that she needed me to come out and "you know a psychic named Skye". "Okay", i thought " this is going to be interesting".
This woman was holding some duct tape and a piece of folded up paper. She said that Maria (Maria Duvall) was after her and her "only friend was Sky"(Skye Alexander). The receptionist kept insisting that I knew Skye and she wanted this woman to tell us everything (it was getting weirder by the minute). This woman (I'll call her Betty) had duct taped this paper to her chest so " no one would steal it". Betty claimed that Maria had broken into her house and taken all her money---she was the bad psychic. She was afraid for her children and believed Maria would hurt them if she told anyone what was happening. But she said she couldn't keep this all to herself anymore. In talking to her she had mentioned her leg....we asked, "do you have something taped on your leg?" She did and ripped that off. More papers - most were addresses of these two psychics. Skye was the nice psychic and was her "friend". She had more papers she was finding tucked into her waist band.....I asked if she had any more - when she lifter her shirt a little i noticed more duct tape and ask her for what was taped to her stomach. This was SO weird! I tried to remain calm and understanding but It was almost comical. If she wasn't so upset and taking this so seriously it would have been some joke. She claimed that Skye promised her a magic stone that would protect her from Maria and all other bad people but she hadn't gotten it yet - or did Maria steal that too??? This stone was supposedly pictured in the paper that was taped to her chest - The paper claimed that it was made of some special silver and had elfin enchantments on it. The whole paper is cooky and is in New Age gibberish.
As i kept her distracted the receptionist was calling "Skye" (she was really calling the woman's son and i was wishing she would stop lying about knowing Skye).
Her son came to get her and i had convinced her that she should tell a doctor all she told us....
today I found out she sat in the ER waiting room fom 1pm to 10pm waiting to be seen then they found she had a UTI----isn't that funny how that can affect a person like that?
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Most people in the US and Europe only have a persective of a war they see on TV.....the US and European media portraying the thing as they like. We must remember that they are libral and want you to feel the way they do----so you will never know 1/2 of what's going on.
My friend (I'll call him Ali) is Iraqi and now in Iraq as an interpretor for the military. He gets paid an ungodly amount of money but works 12 hours a day for 7 days a week. Because we know him and his family and are actually treated as part of their family, we have a little different perspective on the war. We know how the Iraqis think (not the one's you see on TV), we see Arabic television and their perspective on the war.
***There is NO Civil War!! I want to say that first. This is not a bunch of Iraqis blowing up other Iraqis. These are people from Syria, Jordon and other muslim countries who want to get in there and blow stuff (and people) up. They don't care if people are American, Iraqi, Canadian....whatever. They are Muslim and think they are doing something for their religion. These are VERY uneducated people (30 years of Saddam's brainwashing). Cruelty was their teacher when these people were growing up. They were taught by people beating them or a family member, perhaps even killing a family member in front of you to teach you submission.
The insurgency is along the same lines as a bunch of White Supremist Idiots, from all over the US, going from Florida to Maine just to blow up a group of people that happen to be black. They have an agenda and however stupid, they go through with it. These people come over the border into Iraq for one reason.
Okay - Iraq IS better off. The people are better off. The country is better off. It's difficult to turn 30 years of oppression into a solid, stable democracy over night. These people don't understand democracy but they want it....they will just have to learn slowly - it will take some time.
WMDs - I have military friends who saw them - rooms full. My Iraqi friends saw them - one had his whole family and village destroyed by chemical weapons. He was gone from the village and returned to EVERYONE dead - men, women and children in the streets, in their homes and all dead. He video taped it - I saw that video - it's so horrific and NOT something the US wants anyone to see. Saddam ordered that village to be destroyed. The military knows the WMDs existed and still exist but when you know for sure they existed - someone then wants to know - "Where are they now?". They have been smuggled to Syria, Jordan and other places.
Why haven't we found Osama BinLaden? We never lost him. They know exactly where he is. But if you cut the top brass off - you stop communication getting picked up with all the operatives. He doesn't do the dirty work....catch the guys first under him.....then get him. Why didn't Clinton stop him??!! He was handed to him on a silver platter back in the 1990s and because he was in the middle of a golf game - he didn't want to be bothered and Osama was let go.....free to lie in wait until everything was in place for the twin towers to be "torched".
The Bath party are all soonies and they are like the MOB. NO ONE that is in ever leaves - even if they want to. They are ALL bad (so say the Iraqis). Iraq will never be %100 a great democratic nation with the Bath party around. Soonies and Shiite and Kurd can all get along....they have for a long time. But since Saddam was Soonie, they had it better and he was also Bath party--so they had it really good.
All of this is just to say - don't talk bad about the war if you dont know about it....if you haven't been in the military or lived life in Iraq under Saddam's oppression.
Also - under Clinton the military lived in condemned housing---they were treated very poorly and cut back so severly, it's a wonder we weren't attacked on a larger scale then. But don't mistake yourself - we WERE attcked in those days - we just ddn't fight back and deffend ourselves.
Most of the military hated Clinton. They are NOT crazy about being at war - who is? but they support their fellow military and support their president.....Bush has been good to the military and treated them with the respect they deserve.
I am disheartened and sickened by the Westboro Baptist Church (www.Godhatesfags.com) that are protesting at military funerals - SHAME ON THEM!! I do NOT consider them Christians but a weird cult made up of hate mongers. I don't care HOW you feel about the war - you DON'T protest a funeral of a military person (or anyone else) - SHAME, SHAME!
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
When you live 15 years with a husband you get used to eachother. As one friend wrote in a poem "we are familiar with eachother's creases"(or something very close to that). You know the smell of their pillow (good or bad) and all thier little habits (good and bad). Only those without children for so long can understand just HOW MUCH you do feel like this because when you have a child/children to take care of - you are more aware of all their little things (so I can only imagine), all of their smells and habits and idiosyncrasies. Even though you still know your spouse VERY well....there are distractions. There is a sharing you get used to with children. Your time is not your own and you get used to that while your marriage relationship is still fairly new.
I am afraid that I am too selfish. That I won't be able to adjust to a child. I think that is my biggest fear.
When we got a dog (something I really wanted) after a year of marriage, I panicked and wondered "what did I do?". I wanted to give the dog back - it seemed too hard. I was panicked over a dog.....how the HECK do I think I'm going to do this? Will I be a horrible mother? I know I won't be horrible to a child but will I feel so overwhelmed I'll lose it?? I get overwhelmed about things.....sometimes it doesn't take much. I panic - just a little. That scares me.
I drive home at 5:00pm and now I don't feel a rush to get home. I stop at the grocery store, or wherever, before i drive home ---- I get home sometimes at 6 or 6:30. I CAN'T DO THAT WITH A BABY!!!! I already get nerveous about needing to get home and spend as much time as we can with the baby. What about child-care? How do I know the baby will be watched over, taken care of?? DO WE REALLY KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING???? (okay , a little panic there)
I feel like we could stay childless sometimes because it's easy, comfortable---then the baby urge hits me on the head -- it also scares me to be old and alone (NOT a reason to have a child - i know--it's just one of the many, many feelings...)
It's a surreal life right now - We are in LIMBO - I feel like we have given up on fertility stuff but haven't done a thing about the adoption....DO SOMETHING!!!!! I don't dare call the agency after a little fiasco about me listing too much information (thinking the blog was anonymous). Someone working with the agency saw it and got upset. I hadn't used names but the agency had sent some information about some potential birthmoms that i listed. The first time we were all warned "in general" but i could NOT imagine they were talking about me. So i listed somethng else and really got in trouble. One of the potential birthmoms did crack while pregnant - i didn't know what to think---thought i could get some opinions on the blog.....BAD IDEA......
So now I am in Limbo - no information given out and I don't dare ask.........A SURREAL life!
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
That's my philosophy....Keep busy and you can't think about anything. If you are busy enough, time goes by and you don't feel sorry for yourself!
I have charted my temps for years. It's a form of torture for people with Infertility (IF). You can chart your waking temperatures and find the best times of ovulation and then see the temp drop just before the period starts. At least it's a warning. But I still temp - for two reasons - one - i NEVER have given up totally and two- it tells me exactly what day I'll start. But it's still torturous.
I used to keep so busy that when I would lay down at night - I was asleep before my head hit the pillow. Now i tend to lay awake in bed and think. I also used to pray as i layed there until i slept but now, if I lay awake, I think about having a baby around and how different our lives would be. I don't even imagine myself pregnant anymore - just a sweet little baby.....
Sunday, March 19, 2006
We finally got together with my biomom, her husband and her one daughter for Christmas. It was nice to see them all again - hadn't seen them since the last Christmas. We had lunch then walked around the little cute town where we met. My 1/2 sister is young and cute and just moved into her first apartment (outside of living abroad for school)....she lives in walking distance from this little main street and she said she knew a store we would love--and had thought about us whenever she walked by it----I'd actually been in it before but it was sweet that she had thought about us. We did love it and bought a few things. The lady checking us out asked - "What nationality are you?" I said I was Irish and saw my biomom out of my peripheral vision grinning ear to ear. I got really self-consious---I'm not %100 Irish like my adopted family but I always looked more Irish than any of them. She is some Irish and so is the biodad so it's not un-true but it made me a little uncomfortable. Her grin got even bigger when the lady said " you have the most beautiful, perfect, Irish complexion. You just don't see your coloring anymore.... Perfect curly brown hair, pail skin and bright blue eyes." Oh my how she was proud-you could see it on her face. I was glad the lady said it - it made her feel good.
We yelled Merry Christmas as we left......until next Christmas I guess......
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I was happy to see my 1/2 brother (HB) today and talk with him. I'm used to having lunch with the bio-dad but this was different....this felt like a test. It was The HB's idea...he wanted to see what I was like. I guess my body was nervous - i didn't feel nervous but my stomach was playing havoc on me! Once I got there I felt at ease. There was only a few awkward silences but we laughed and joked and had a really good time. He's cute and smart and funny (like me - lol) . He doesn't live in town so who knows when I'll ever see him again....but I left wondering why I was ever nervous.....
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
I got a call from my biodad today and he asked if we could have lunch - his son is in for spring break and wanted to have lunch with me....isn't that sweet? I met him once when he was running out the door but never really got to talk to him before so it should be interesting.
I'm also going to have lunch with my biomom on Saturday. Christmas presents still haven't been given out - should be interesting - My gifts are seasonal so --- i hope they still like them....lol
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
The adoption three sided story is a complicated one.
People who know me know I hate for anyone to hurt....I was always the one in school who took the side of the one who was getting their feelings hurt. I am a sucker for anyone with a sad story and I was taken advantage of because of it. I believe no one is better than the other. Even before I was a Christian I believed that we are all equal and everone should treat others as they would like to be treated. If everyone in the world did that --It would be a better place. Now I'm not saying it's always easy, but I really do hurt when other people hurt.
With that said - I realized I only can speak from experience from two sides of this weird three edged sword of adoption. I am an adoptee and I will be an adopted mom. I think I can be a good adopted mom because I know what it's like to be adopted. I realize I must have had it pretty great after reading all the blogs of adoptees who have had a bad time of it. I hurt for them (there I go again).
I will be an adopted mom because of infertility. A battle of twelve years that I won't go into detail about - it's too painful. But however much I felt sorry for myself throughout the years (which really wasn't that much considering), I never ruled out adoption. I had nothing against it, I knew it was a viable way to build a family and wouldn't think that child any less mine than if I gave birth to him/her. I think it's just the needing a blood relative that held me back. My brother adopted from Russia, my cousin adopted two children from Russia, two more cousins adopted domestically and still i held on. But once I realized I was "supposed to" adopt, there was a peace.
Having a friend who placed a child has helped me more than I ever could have imagined. She knew she had to place the child because of her age and her family. She turned her life over to Christ and placed that child with a Christian couple. Of course she never forgot.....but she lived, got married and had a child and tried to put it behind her. I know you can't do it....it doesn't go away but she put him in God's hands and trusted he was growing up well and happy.
I'm sure there is some pain there but we don't talk about it. She waited until he was 21 and sent a letter to the agency. The agency contacted and he wanted to meet her. They know eachother and i think that's all that matters. She foudn out he's a great guy.......that's all she ever asked for. ****I have made this story very vague for her privacy sake but also because that's all I know. I hurt for her too...
Okay - my only real experience with birthmothers is my own. She told me she remembers every moment of being pregnant. Her mother made her relinquish and wasn't very nice about it. She held me and fed me when i was born - in a time when they were still blindfolding mothers that were giving their child up for adoption. She did want to keep me....but wasn't able. After meeting them and being with them I know it all turned out the way God wanted it to. After she came back from being "at a relatives's house" she met her now husband......she told him about where she had been and the child she gave up and they fell in love. She had a good life. I know she suffered and after 10 years of infertility she had two more children. She told the kids about me when they were teens and waited for me to contact her. She was a nerveous chain smoker but I think a lot of that was psychological. I hurt for her - I think she thought once I contacted her that her family would be complete again, i would be part of the family finally.
I was a happy kid who had great parents who treated me like a princess. I can't imagine giving anyone else the love I have for them. Don't get me wrong, I do like my biological family members. But they are nothing like us and I don't think we would be great friends if there was no blood relation. We are nice to everyone but there really isn't a lot in common we could share.
I hurt for her because she remembers me so well, kicking inside her, giving birth to me, holding me, feeding me. But I don't remember her. She seems like a stranger to me. It hurts her and I can't stand that. She used to gush and tell me she loved me and she'd take anything, any time I could give her. She sent me gifts that I really did like but felt guilty taking them. I knew what she was doing - making up for lost time, wanting me to know how much she cared......It makes me sad that it didn't change how I felt.....it almost turned me off. I was nice - I couldn't be rude. I told her I wasn't much a phone talker (I'm really not) but I think that hurt her feelings. I'm much better with e-mails. I think she finally figured it was a way to keep her at a disdtance and I guess it was.
Okay - I hurt for her. I know she wants more than I can give. Sometimes I give just to make her happy. Then I feel guilty. But at the same time I want to have contact - just knowing she's there is important for some reason. It's the idea of actually knowing someone that's blood related...To be quite honest it's curiosity as well. It seems like someone elses life. I always felt like I belonged right where I am.
After reading all these blogs I feel even worse - I hurt more for her.