Wednesday, March 22, 2006

A Surreal Life

When you live 15 years with a husband you get used to eachother. As one friend wrote in a poem "we are familiar with eachother's creases"(or something very close to that). You know the smell of their pillow (good or bad) and all thier little habits (good and bad). Only those without children for so long can understand just HOW MUCH you do feel like this because when you have a child/children to take care of - you are more aware of all their little things (so I can only imagine), all of their smells and habits and idiosyncrasies. Even though you still know your spouse VERY well....there are distractions. There is a sharing you get used to with children. Your time is not your own and you get used to that while your marriage relationship is still fairly new.

I am afraid that I am too selfish. That I won't be able to adjust to a child. I think that is my biggest fear.

When we got a dog (something I really wanted) after a year of marriage, I panicked and wondered "what did I do?". I wanted to give the dog back - it seemed too hard. I was panicked over a the HECK do I think I'm going to do this? Will I be a horrible mother? I know I won't be horrible to a child but will I feel so overwhelmed I'll lose it?? I get overwhelmed about things.....sometimes it doesn't take much. I panic - just a little. That scares me.

I drive home at 5:00pm and now I don't feel a rush to get home. I stop at the grocery store, or wherever, before i drive home ---- I get home sometimes at 6 or 6:30. I CAN'T DO THAT WITH A BABY!!!! I already get nerveous about needing to get home and spend as much time as we can with the baby. What about child-care? How do I know the baby will be watched over, taken care of?? DO WE REALLY KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING???? (okay , a little panic there)

I feel like we could stay childless sometimes because it's easy, comfortable---then the baby urge hits me on the head -- it also scares me to be old and alone (NOT a reason to have a child - i know--it's just one of the many, many feelings...)

It's a surreal life right now - We are in LIMBO - I feel like we have given up on fertility stuff but haven't done a thing about the adoption....DO SOMETHING!!!!! I don't dare call the agency after a little fiasco about me listing too much information (thinking the blog was anonymous). Someone working with the agency saw it and got upset. I hadn't used names but the agency had sent some information about some potential birthmoms that i listed. The first time we were all warned "in general" but i could NOT imagine they were talking about me. So i listed somethng else and really got in trouble. One of the potential birthmoms did crack while pregnant - i didn't know what to think---thought i could get some opinions on the blog.....BAD IDEA......

So now I am in Limbo - no information given out and I don't dare ask.........A SURREAL life!

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