Wednesday, March 08, 2006

I'm just two sided

The adoption three sided story is a complicated one.

People who know me know I hate for anyone to hurt....I was always the one in school who took the side of the one who was getting their feelings hurt. I am a sucker for anyone with a sad story and I was taken advantage of because of it. I believe no one is better than the other. Even before I was a Christian I believed that we are all equal and everone should treat others as they would like to be treated. If everyone in the world did that --It would be a better place. Now I'm not saying it's always easy, but I really do hurt when other people hurt.

With that said - I realized I only can speak from experience from two sides of this weird three edged sword of adoption. I am an adoptee and I will be an adopted mom. I think I can be a good adopted mom because I know what it's like to be adopted. I realize I must have had it pretty great after reading all the blogs of adoptees who have had a bad time of it. I hurt for them (there I go again).

I will be an adopted mom because of infertility. A battle of twelve years that I won't go into detail about - it's too painful. But however much I felt sorry for myself throughout the years (which really wasn't that much considering), I never ruled out adoption. I had nothing against it, I knew it was a viable way to build a family and wouldn't think that child any less mine than if I gave birth to him/her. I think it's just the needing a blood relative that held me back. My brother adopted from Russia, my cousin adopted two children from Russia, two more cousins adopted domestically and still i held on. But once I realized I was "supposed to" adopt, there was a peace.

Having a friend who placed a child has helped me more than I ever could have imagined. She knew she had to place the child because of her age and her family. She turned her life over to Christ and placed that child with a Christian couple. Of course she never forgot.....but she lived, got married and had a child and tried to put it behind her. I know you can't do doesn't go away but she put him in God's hands and trusted he was growing up well and happy.
I'm sure there is some pain there but we don't talk about it. She waited until he was 21 and sent a letter to the agency. The agency contacted and he wanted to meet her. They know eachother and i think that's all that matters. She foudn out he's a great guy.......that's all she ever asked for. ****I have made this story very vague for her privacy sake but also because that's all I know. I hurt for her too...

Okay - my only real experience with birthmothers is my own. She told me she remembers every moment of being pregnant. Her mother made her relinquish and wasn't very nice about it. She held me and fed me when i was born - in a time when they were still blindfolding mothers that were giving their child up for adoption. She did want to keep me....but wasn't able. After meeting them and being with them I know it all turned out the way God wanted it to. After she came back from being "at a relatives's house" she met her now husband......she told him about where she had been and the child she gave up and they fell in love. She had a good life. I know she suffered and after 10 years of infertility she had two more children. She told the kids about me when they were teens and waited for me to contact her. She was a nerveous chain smoker but I think a lot of that was psychological. I hurt for her - I think she thought once I contacted her that her family would be complete again, i would be part of the family finally.

I was a happy kid who had great parents who treated me like a princess. I can't imagine giving anyone else the love I have for them. Don't get me wrong, I do like my biological family members. But they are nothing like us and I don't think we would be great friends if there was no blood relation. We are nice to everyone but there really isn't a lot in common we could share.
I hurt for her because she remembers me so well, kicking inside her, giving birth to me, holding me, feeding me. But I don't remember her. She seems like a stranger to me. It hurts her and I can't stand that. She used to gush and tell me she loved me and she'd take anything, any time I could give her. She sent me gifts that I really did like but felt guilty taking them. I knew what she was doing - making up for lost time, wanting me to know how much she cared......It makes me sad that it didn't change how I almost turned me off. I was nice - I couldn't be rude. I told her I wasn't much a phone talker (I'm really not) but I think that hurt her feelings. I'm much better with e-mails. I think she finally figured it was a way to keep her at a disdtance and I guess it was.

Okay - I hurt for her. I know she wants more than I can give. Sometimes I give just to make her happy. Then I feel guilty. But at the same time I want to have contact - just knowing she's there is important for some reason. It's the idea of actually knowing someone that's blood related...To be quite honest it's curiosity as well. It seems like someone elses life. I always felt like I belonged right where I am.

After reading all these blogs I feel even worse - I hurt more for her.


In Reunion said...

i liked this post. I am a mother in reunion with a daughter in her early 20s. this was an insightful post to me. thank you for sharing.

Lisa V said...

I am an adoptive mom in open adoption. My daughter's other mom is also an adoptee in reunion. It's been tricky for her and some of the experiences she has relayed to me are similar to yours.

I know first hand that sometimes the ties aren't there just because of biology. My daughter is very close to her birth mom, but no so close to her grandparents and birth father. She feels a connection to her birth mom I think because they have always had a relationship, they have grown together and known each other. The other family members have really not expressed the same kind of interest.
It will be interesting to see when she is an adult how she navigates all the relationships.
It was very interesting to read your post.

stacy said...

I am totally like you with wanting people not to hurt. Thanks for your comment. The whole reunion process definitely isn't easy, so I will post some other stuff about the not so easy part!

FauxClaud said...

Thank you for being kind to her. Really. Thank you.

Andie D. said...

I used to dream about having a birth mother like that when I was a kid. My adoptive family treated me like the opposite of a princess.

But the weird thing is now that I've found my actual birth mother, she's just, well, kinda "normal" in that respect. Not pushy, not more needy than I am, and I'm thankful. Because I think it might have scared me off a little too.

Jody Moreen said...

Hi, I am Jody Moreen, an adoptee and faciliator of an online group for Christians touched by adoption on Yahoo clubs, Adoptees Christian Fellowship. I also edit a Christian free outreach 20 page journal, hard copy- called Adoption Blessings Journal. Christian stories, testimonies, poems and articles by adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents. I was blessed to be adopted 51 years ago by a loving family and was reunited with my birth sisters over 12 years ago and was welcomed. I lead a local adoption triad support group at my church to provide a safe place for those touched by adoption to share their experiences, feelings and meet others walking the adoption journey. I have done this volunteer ministry for 11 years and love it!
Blessings to all on their ongoing adoption journeys! Jody

I also have a Blog on this site
Adoptees, Birth Parents and Adoptive Parents Adoption Fellowship