Thursday, November 30, 2006

We have a wonderful New Year tradition. My father opens a letter by writing "Happy New Year" and telling a quick bit about the day and what has happened through the year. He ends his part by writing "now I turn the pen over to...." and then that person writes about their year. Each one from the family writes throughout the day/evening and even the little ones take a turn. Whoever is there has to write something. Then it is finished by my mother who re-reads the letter and writes all the things we forgot. We put the letter in a safety deposit box and we don't look at it for ten years. Every new years eve we read the letter from ten years ago. It is amazing the things we forget and it's wonderful to read the writing of grandparents after they are gone and others who have stayed with us never to be seen again (like old girlfriends and boyfriends). The funniest thing is to read the writing when you were little and my mother even includes letters to santa we wrote. It's a wonderful tradition that we treasure and will for years to come. Now that we all have families of our own we all do it with our own families.....I love tradition and can't wait to write about this year's happenings!!!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

We saw my biomom and her husband today. It was very casual at her house and we ordered pizza from a really great place in her little town. She lives 26 miles away and my biodad lives less than two---weird huh? We have all gone to many of the same places and restaurants....we're all sure we've seen eachother throughout my life but we just didn't know eachother.
in fact, I know I saw my one half sister bellydance (the only pale blond who does it around here). And my half brother came to my church and sat three rows ahead of us. I didn't know who he was though at the time---so weird. Anyway, they had a great time with the baby and took lots of pictures. I did find out that her mom had to have a knee replacement and she had to have both done-----yikes! I hope my knees stay healthy. Her mother has also gone blind with macular degeneration. I was sort of happy when I didn't know all that. Nice day.....

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

This is so cute - very clever....a video on yahoo talent show

Saturday, November 18, 2006

My opinion doesn't really matter much

It's hard to fathom, it's difficult to believe, it's inconcievable that your own flesh could reject you. I think maybe that's how the mothers feel, what they are afraid of subconciously?. I think they don't want to feel rejected, hated, hurt anymore than they have been. They did one of the most difficult things they would ever do and they blame themselves, authority figures, the agency, the social worker, the adopted parents, the government, the system....mostly themselves. It hurts too much to think that someone they love so much may not feel the same, may be happy without being with them, may have had a better life without them in it. It hurts. Let me assure those people, it DOES NOT mean we reject you or hate you if we have had a good life, if it worked out for us, isn't that what you have prayed/hoped for? Or would you have been just a little glad if life wasn't anygood without you?

I was out of town two nights and was a little glad to hear the baby cried the first maybe she missed me. I was hurt when I heard the next night she was happy and content....didn't she still miss me? Of course I wanted my husband to have a good time with her, but it still hurt a little. Mind you, this does not even touch the tip of the iceberg with relinquishing a child, but you get my meaning. You want the best for them, great parents who will take careof them, love them, treat them as their own flesh and blood. Then they feel rejected and hurt when they don't feel warm and fuzzy and come at you with open arms in reunion. Now, don't think I mean this in a derogatory way....just the feeling I get from many mother's who relinquished....

Things are not all okay with the system....I went to a well respected agency who plays by the book for our adoption, but there are many who do not. I was adopted in the day with all closed adoptions but my biomom was 21 and knew what she had to do. She went to a well respected agency as well, and when it was all said and done she was happy to know I was okay but I think very disappointed I was really okay....deep down I think it hurt her that I wasn't psychogically damaged by it all. After all, it has been/is intensly personal to me, she was/is a stranger.

If we do not want a full blown relationship it is NOT a rejection, it is NOT personal about who you are as a person or what you "did to us". It is simply happiness with a life that you may not have chosen for us but one that we have been placed in by circumbstance and happiness followed. Be proud of who we have become, the good genes you passed on, the love we felt in the womb and know we can live in your hearts if for some reason we cannot have the relationship with you that your heart longs for.
She is so sweet. She wrote "I regret but at the same time I know I did the right thing". I write and I have encouraged her to write. She wants to send a video of the baby's 1/2 brothers - i love that....
She said they thought we would be snobs but they have both talked about how nice and happy we were when we that has helped them....that felt good.
The hardest thing to read...."the best thing that ever happened to me, the only thing that ever made me feel whole and I gave her away".....we both cried about that.
We love them and we pray for their happiness.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

I am an adoptee and an adopted mom

I am not a biological mother who has not seen my child for years. So my writing, my thoughts my feelings.....they come from where I have been and where I am. They are as individual as snowflakes. No one has the same experiences and one has the same past. I've thought about not ever being adopted....I've wondered if my life would have been different. My biomom and I have talked about it and my biodad and I have also talked a lot about it too. There is a regret that they never knew me but a feeling of relief now that they know how I grew up, that I am happy and healthy and was a nornal happy kid. They would have NOT worked together....they didn't really even like eachother.....thus I would have been a child of divorce. And probably not right away. He would have had to give up college and marry my her. That was a given then. The parents all decided not to even tell him that she was pregnant with his child. They kept that from him and took it to their grave. Neither of them knew the parents even met. That was wrong and deceptive. There wasn't a choice even given....I think that was very wrong. But I don't know what would have happened had it been different.

Someone wrote to me that my adoption situation is not very healthy, because I have a "secret" reunion, but my parents aren't fearful. I don't know how they would react--I guess they might be hurt I didn't tell them. I don't want them to think I don't love them %100 because I do. Why should they know that I have met them? What a weird situation. Why should they feel at all like I may not have loved my life with them. They have never given me any reason to NOT to want to be a part of that family.

My biomom had no choice, you are right one offered to help...times were different. There is nothing for HER to be grateful for, that's for sure. Maybe I'm grateful to God for letting me get such great parents....When we first met I told her I was thankful she gave me life. In today's world unwanted pregnancies, inconvienient pregnancies, suprises.....they get illiminated all too easy. I have never told her I am grateful she gave me up....that seems like a slap in the face. I can be grateful in my mind (like i said, grateful to God). I AM grateful for my life, I'm grateful for my parents.

And it IS speculating what my life "would have been", I wouldn't know the difference if I was brought up as her daughter. so it doesn't matter. But I know both of them have said they wouldn't have the families they have now had the tables been turned.

I know that many of the mothers won't want to read this ....but even though we have a nice relationship, I don't really think I would be friends with my biomom except for our blood tie. Her personality is not like that of my friends. I am walking on thin ice here...I know some are gritting their teeth.....I know some of it is nurture but we just are too diffrerent....I'm sorry that people have had terrible mothers, I'm sorry that some mothers and adoptees feel cheated. I still don’t wish I had been kept. I'm sorry...I know people will be mad or claim I'm fooling myself. To be a mother who has lost their child to adoption has to be like losing a limb and you want them to reunite with you, fall in love (like you have loved them for years) and never want to be apart. I can only tell you how I feel. I wish we had more in common, I wish we could have a better relationship. Others have met in reunion and instantly clicked. They go on to have wonderful relationships. Others have turned down relationships all together. I'm glad there is a mutual resect and friendship but that's all I have. I pray people get what they want and need from reunion. I know all the mothers that want the great reunion experience will not like me for saying all this.....but I know myself....that's the only person I can know.

Please, no one take this as a put down, an insult, a I said....we are all snowflakes, every situation in different, everyone's experience one can know how another person feels.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

We're getting a letter

I hestitate to write this....except that this is totally annoymous. My Agency e-mailed and said my sweety's biomom came in to drop off a letter and some pictures. The social worker was softening what I would feel when we read the letter. She wrote she regrets placing the baby but knows it's the best thing for her. I don't think it would have bothered me as much as they think. I don't think she would be normal if she didn't feel regret. What kind of a person would she be? She told the lady that she is having a hard time and it's bittersweet to recieve pictures.

I grieve for her even though she said she knows what she did was right. I look at our peanut and think how I would feel giving her would kill me. The agency asks that we pray for her and love our doll as much as we can and that's all we can do for her. The agency is trying to provide counciling but she has refused. I hope she gets the help she needs...

Please don't hit me with a bunch of stuff about already hurts too much.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

My little peanut has a cough - a juicy one. It got so bad on Friday night she couldn't catch her breath. I hated it....I was actually scared. It's a cough, that's all but I had to go spend $50 at an Urgent Care Stop to find that I said, I was scared.

On a lighter (and less expensive) note....
We went to a Cracker Barrell (I know, cheesy....but so tasty) and we were being watched by a little girl of about 3. Her mom and dad and sister (about 2 years her senior) were being a little less obvious but everybody was watching my sweety. When my hubby got up to go to the restroom, I had no choice but to acknowledge the beautiful, cureous little girl. The family pretended to ignore that she was at my table by then and chattering away. After a minute or two her mom discouraged "bothering" us but it was no bother. I was asking her about her halloween costume and she told me she was a princess. She also said, practically in the same breath, that she had a birthmark. I pretended I was very impressed and told her that a birthmark is the sign of a princess! She was so thrilled. Her bigger sister finally piped up and said "my dad was homecoming king!". I said to the mother (after we all laughed for a whole minute) that her daddy has left a big impression on that child....she had a daddy that was a king at one time ---that must be amazing in a 5 year old mind!
In the middle of all of it - my husband came back and we packed up to leave. The 3 year old came over and hugged my legs....i bent down with the baby and she hugged each of made my night!