It's hard to fathom, it's difficult to believe, it's inconcievable that your own flesh could reject you. I think maybe that's how the mothers feel, what they are afraid of subconciously?. I think they don't want to feel rejected, hated, hurt anymore than they have been. They did one of the most difficult things they would ever do and they blame themselves, authority figures, the agency, the social worker, the adopted parents, the government, the system....mostly themselves. It hurts too much to think that someone they love so much may not feel the same, may be happy without being with them, may have had a better life without them in it. It hurts. Let me assure those people, it DOES NOT mean we reject you or hate you if we have had a good life, if it worked out for us, isn't that what you have prayed/hoped for? Or would you have been just a little glad if life wasn't anygood without you?
I was out of town two nights and was a little glad to hear the baby cried the first night....like maybe she missed me. I was hurt when I heard the next night she was happy and content....didn't she still miss me? Of course I wanted my husband to have a good time with her, but it still hurt a little. Mind you, this does not even touch the tip of the iceberg with relinquishing a child, but you get my meaning. You want the best for them, great parents who will take careof them, love them, treat them as their own flesh and blood. Then they feel rejected and hurt when they don't feel warm and fuzzy and come at you with open arms in reunion. Now, don't think I mean this in a derogatory way....just the feeling I get from many mother's who relinquished....
Things are not all okay with the system....I went to a well respected agency who plays by the book for our adoption, but there are many who do not. I was adopted in the day with all closed adoptions but my biomom was 21 and knew what she had to do. She went to a well respected agency as well, and when it was all said and done she was happy to know I was okay but I think very disappointed I was really okay....deep down I think it hurt her that I wasn't psychogically damaged by it all. After all, it has been/is intensly personal to her....to me, she was/is a stranger.
If we do not want a full blown relationship it is NOT a rejection, it is NOT personal about who you are as a person or what you "did to us". It is simply happiness with a life that you may not have chosen for us but one that we have been placed in by circumbstance and happiness followed. Be proud of who we have become, the good genes you passed on, the love we felt in the womb and know we can live in your hearts if for some reason we cannot have the relationship with you that your heart longs for.