Saturday, November 11, 2006

I am an adoptee and an adopted mom

I am not a biological mother who has not seen my child for years. So my writing, my thoughts my feelings.....they come from where I have been and where I am. They are as individual as snowflakes. No one has the same experiences and feelings...no one has the same past. I've thought about not ever being adopted....I've wondered if my life would have been different. My biomom and I have talked about it and my biodad and I have also talked a lot about it too. There is a regret that they never knew me but a feeling of relief now that they know how I grew up, that I am happy and healthy and was a nornal happy kid. They would have NOT worked together....they didn't really even like eachother.....thus I would have been a child of divorce. And probably not right away. He would have had to give up college and marry my her. That was a given then. The parents all decided not to even tell him that she was pregnant with his child. They kept that from him and took it to their grave. Neither of them knew the parents even met. That was wrong and deceptive. There wasn't a choice even given....I think that was very wrong. But I don't know what would have happened had it been different.

Someone wrote to me that my adoption situation is not very healthy, because I have a "secret" reunion, but my parents aren't fearful. I don't know how they would react--I guess they might be hurt I didn't tell them. I don't want them to think I don't love them %100 because I do. Why should they know that I have met them? What a weird situation. Why should they feel at all like I may not have loved my life with them. They have never given me any reason to NOT to want to be a part of that family.

My biomom had no choice, you are right there....no one offered to help...times were different. There is nothing for HER to be grateful for, that's for sure. Maybe I'm grateful to God for letting me get such great parents....When we first met I told her I was thankful she gave me life. In today's world unwanted pregnancies, inconvienient pregnancies, suprises.....they get illiminated all too easy. I have never told her I am grateful she gave me up....that seems like a slap in the face. I can be grateful in my mind (like i said, grateful to God). I AM grateful for my life, I'm grateful for my parents.

And it IS speculating what my life "would have been", I wouldn't know the difference if I was brought up as her daughter. so it doesn't matter. But I know both of them have said they wouldn't have the families they have now had the tables been turned.

I know that many of the mothers won't want to read this ....but even though we have a nice relationship, I don't really think I would be friends with my biomom except for our blood tie. Her personality is not like that of my friends. I am walking on thin ice here...I know some are gritting their teeth.....I know some of it is nurture but we just are too diffrerent....I'm sorry that people have had terrible mothers, I'm sorry that some mothers and adoptees feel cheated. I still don’t wish I had been kept. I'm sorry...I know people will be mad or claim I'm fooling myself. To be a mother who has lost their child to adoption has to be like losing a limb and you want them to reunite with you, fall in love (like you have loved them for years) and never want to be apart. I can only tell you how I feel. I wish we had more in common, I wish we could have a better relationship. Others have met in reunion and instantly clicked. They go on to have wonderful relationships. Others have turned down relationships all together. I'm glad there is a mutual resect and friendship but that's all I have. I pray people get what they want and need from reunion. I know all the mothers that want the great reunion experience will not like me for saying all this.....but I know myself....that's the only person I can know.

Please, no one take this as a put down, an insult, a sermon....like I said....we are all snowflakes, every situation in different, everyone's experience different...no one can know how another person feels.

3 comments:

Joy said...

I think telling A parents makes it harder, I mean I know it is hard to not tell them too, but I think telling any but the most understanding would make it harder.

kim.kim said...

Why do you have to say biological mother, why not just write you are not a mother who hadn't seen her children for years.

If your parents were super relaxed about you being in contact with your mother then you wouldn't have to keep it a secret. It's not healthy, it's not good that you have to have secret meetings with your own mother. That is crazy. It's not healthy for the little girl you adopted either.

I'm not offended by what you write, I have grown a thick skin and know your heart is in the right place.

It's ok you know, just speak your own truth that is the best thing you can do.

Away2me said...

It was nice to read some honesty in someone's blog. Thanks for sharing your story. I think all of us in the adoption triad get so caught up with what we "Should" feel or what is politically correct that we feel guilty for what our true feellings are.