Wednesday, April 26, 2006


People are sensative when you talk about things that are close to them. You don't talk about politics and religion with people when you don't know them well. You also don't blog about adoption without asking for trouble. Everyone has their own feelings about it - and if your in the "triad" everyone is coming at it from a different angle.

The adoptees either are grateful and happy for the great life that they have had or they are bitter and angry about the bad life they have had and wish they could have grown up in a better place - which would translate into their biofamily. Some say they are happy but somehow think they have been wronged seriously by not having known their bios. I guess others are just wanting to know - i can't blame them for that.

Adopted parents are either SO OPEN that they are against any other form of adoption (semi-open, closed). Some are very against totally open adoptions and others are willing to have open adoption only if it works out and the biomom and aparents are able to have that sort of a relationship. Each one is sensative and gets upset when anyone has a different opinion.

biomoms are a very sensative bunch. They feel the way they do and NO ONE can say anything without them thinking they are saying they are wrong or they shouldn't feel that way. They are the bunch i feel the worst about. These ladies are usually still hurting even after's all still right there.

Being sensative isn't wrong.....but everyone needs to search themselves and ask am I too sensative about this? Am I over reacting about that?
The unfortunate thing is there is no bkack and white anymore. Everything has a 1000 grey areas. Now I realize there are some things that change from person to person but there should be more is only black and white.....right and wrong.

One thing that is true - adoption is complicated. Every situation is different but the KEY is to so what is best for the child involved - they are the ones who don't have the choice in the matter.....

One reply from MICH (copied and pasted--didn't want her getting a bunch of mean gals going on her blog):
And I think the other part of this is that people need to be respectful of different view points. I agree the adoption is a very sensitive subject for all involved on some levels....either the misconceptions, the stupid assumptions and questions can leave anyone involved feeling run over and fragile. But everyone needs to keep in mind that "one adoption story" is just that--one adoption story. So respect for each story, each individual triad is SOOO important.


Manuela said...

"You also don't blog about adoption without asking for trouble. Everyone has their own feelings about it - and if your in the "triad" everyone is coming at it from a different angle."

Ain't that the truth! Also, I love what Mich wrote here.

Something that I think starts to happen with adoption discussions, is that so many people involved with adoption (from whichever of the three angles) tend to look to the other two sides in order to validate their own beliefs and values about the matter. When someone has a different view point, it's as though everyone feels attacked by that opinion. Do you know what I mean?? It instantly becomes so intensely personal.

I always say over and over again, I can only talk about my own situation from my own view point, I have absolutely no authority to speak about someone else's experiences. Which drives me batty when people come to me as 'the infertile adoptee Dear Abby', and expect me to be able to feel great about whatever decision they make. If they're looking for me to agree/disagree (whichever) to make them feel that they are the 'right' ones... well, they aren't very secure in those decisions in the first place.

Don't know if that makes sense. For instance, one adoptive mother asked me if she should change her kid's name because it sounded too Chinese. ?? How am I an authority on that... just because I'm adopted?? I can tell her what I might think, but if it doesn't align with her own beliefs, then watch out... she is likely to freak out and attack. I've seen it over and over and over.

People need to learn to respect EVERYONE's experiences, and feel secure enough in their own skin to not instantly attack when encountering disagreement.

Sorry for the ramble.

Nancy said...

Great post!