Monday, April 17, 2006

Thank GOD

Not only am I adopted by an earthly father (and mother), I'm privledged to be counted as an adopted into the family of GOD. Christians have that in common....and I think that is why there are so many Christians who strongly belive in adoption. Now, there are those who do not like Christians....that;s fine. There are those who dispute the fact that children flourish and do the best in a two parent, heterosexual household---even though studies have proved it time and time again. Can a child grow and flourish when there is a divorce? Of course - but it's a much rougher path. The unfortunate thing is that the divorce rate is over %50 now. What does this mean to the poor children? What is the divorce rate among people who adopt?? Parents who adopt have a lower than adverage divorce rate......

Okay, so read a nice article written by a birthmother.....HERE

I agree not all birthmother are happy and at peace....no one expects them to be. But anyone who is a Christian knows the peace that passes all understanding. No one is jumping for joy about their child being placed with someone else...... but God has a way to heal wounds and people who do not know Him cannot understand it. I was on the "other side" and know the difference. I know the joy that it can bring. Joy does NOT equal happiness. Joy from God is a deep feeling of.....contentment, peace, a knowing.......and much more. It does NOT mean by any sense of the word thta Christians are HAPPY all the time. That just is NOT true.

If you are NOT a Christian I am not saying all this to sway you, convince you, draw you in. I want you to know taht there ARE woman who have placed their children - even those who have not seen those children in 20 years, who are at peace with that decision. It doesn't mean they are happy with the decision they made, it doesn't mean they do not have regrets but they do not dwell on them and let it burn a whole into their soul. And we should NOT belittle them and tell them they must be "fooling themselves" or that they haven't "embraced their sadness" or anything else.....they are at peace and it's okay.........

9 comments:

kim said...

It does kind of annoy me somewhat when someone wants to say how one will heal from losing one's child. I know that's not what your intention is but still, have you ever thought about how insulting some of the things you come up with are?

petunia said...

My whole point to this post is to say NO ONE can say how everyone else should feel. I'm saying that everyone feels differently about it and just because a group of women, who found eachother here on Blogger, all feel that their experience and feelings with giving up their child are the only ones that are valid and everyone should feel the way they do. I'm not taking away from how anyone feels - just that everyone should let eveeryone else have their own feelings. I don't want to be told that I should LOVE my biomom or hate my childhood. I know there are those who do and that's fine....we are all different and entitled to our feelings. I just pray that the woman who gives her child to me, to raise as my own, has a peace in her heart and can live well with her decision.

Lady said...

Petunia,

Definitely would consider myself a Christian but strongly disagree that our heavenly adoption even remotely resmbles earthly adoption. The two have nothing in common but the word , "adoption".

As for the divorce rate amongst adoptive parents being lower...how can we know this? No one keeps seperate records for adoptive vs. bio parents. Heck, most adoptive parents and adopted children have a fit when distinctions of adoptive status are made. My brother wouldn't even fill out on the last Federal Census that he was an adoptive parent. Basically, he said it was none of the government's business what category of parenting he felll into.

Perhaps some nmothers do acheive peace, I have. However that does not mean the adoption system shouldn't be changed/reformed nor does it mean nmother's shouldn't seek justice for their grievences. God is a God of truth and justice...even for the nmom! It would be IMO against God's principles to tout a system that was and sometimes still is, based on lies/secrecy. Think sealed, closed records, denial of OBC's. Do you think Christians should embrace decption and lies and then tout God as the Author of such things?

Why should the nmother who does have a burning in her soul for her OWN child be belittled for that fact? Does not God burn after our soul's?

I always find it curious that the nmother at "peace" is what the adoption industry still craves. Those feel good stories are still pandered as the *best*. WHY? Whose feelings are these *joyful* nmothers really aimed at soothing. ...other nmos OR the adopted person, the adoptive parent?

petunia said...

feelings do run quite deep and people are super sensative about this stuff---I am NOT saying there shouldn't be reform and everybody should feel hunky dory. There is no great situation when it comes to the birthmothers and adoption. I hate that people make $30 - $40,000. I hate that the mothers are not counciled sufficiently before and after relinquishment, I hate that WE will benefit from someone not being able to keep their child....

I was adopted....I am happy. At some point we also have to consider that as well. What about the kids? They also need many things. We also have the right to be happy....

I am NOT being insensative....I am trying to be realistic - looking at it from all angles.

petunia said...

And...I DO believe I am adopted into the family of GOD---I was lost, without a home (spriritually and literally). So, in my case it is VERY similar. I was accepted and loved by my parents as their own....just as I am by my heavenly father.

Lady said...

Yes, God loves you gave you a home BUT you asked Him to do this, yes? (full consent!) thru confirmation or affirmation as an adult. And does He ask you to forget about your earthly family (adoptive or bio) to fit into His family, why not? Why does God not seem to have a problem with multiple family constructs? Ironic God is very open honest about adoption, our adoption but we humans don't seem to be able/willing to emmulate His ideal.

Adoption practices here on earth don't reflect the spiritual adoption practices of God very much at all.

Who says adoptive peole can't be happy or have joy or peace? Knowing the truth often sets a person free.

I'm not trying to be insensitive or non realistic either. Truth however is much more important to emotional well being, then paiting a pretty picture.

petunia said...

Nothing about this world is perfect or pretty. Sin has done that. The tragedy of it all is that girls/women WILL get pregnant and not be able to keep and raise their children. I do have many friends who I have met through adoption groups who are biomoms and they are at peace....twenty plus years later..... Does it mean they were happy all the time about it? - no. Does it mean they wouldn't do it all over again and keep the child?-no-------there are others who are not at peace and still riddled with guilt and remorse and all sorts of things.
But, again, the whole reason for this post was to say that not everyone has had such a difficult time with the process. My own biomom was overpossesive of her girls and thought about me and she hoped I would contact her and I did. She has led a successful and fulfilling life and does not regret her decision even though she hated that circumbstances weren't different. My friends do not regret what they had to do. Other people are different and they suffer more psychological effects from relinquishment. It CANNOT and could NEVER be be easy or effortless.

There are people out there.... there are good situations....many more than it appears if people only read the blogs.

Lady said...

Petunia,

Honestly my comments are not to dispute there are a varied number of emotional responses to adoption. That would be the norm.

What I am responding to is the idea of "Christian" people having a set way of responding to adoption. As if being a Christian somehow negates the very wrong aspects of adoption by substituting hocus pocus, feel good rhetoric instead. Christianity is not a panacea for the negatives of life.(pretend they never happened) Christianity helps us cope with the realities of life.

Whereas I believe if one is a Christian (emmulating Christ) then it's paramount we undo wrongs, seek justice, emotional compensation, for those who have been hurt by adoption. As Christians it is our duty to shed light on lies, dispell myths... go about the business of promoting honesty in adoption practices.

Telling the truth, allowing full disclosure about the effects of adoption, is of no threat to anyone.

kime said...

I feel grateful to the family who adopted my child. I was just a teenager and saw my brother and his girlfriend with their baby and saw that it was overwhelming.
I felt like I was giving a man and woman the ultimate gift of love and sacrifice. That was over 20 years ago. My biggest fear was that my son would have felt rejected by me. I made contact with him when he was 19. He said he never felt that for a moment. He is very balanced and emotionally whole. We have not yet met in person, but we will some day. We are both at peace and are content to talk on the phone a couple times a year for now. His mom and I email and exchange pictures. I feel loved by her and I love her even thou I have not met her. All I am trying to say,is that there are positive experiences of adoption. It was a long and painful healling process, but now it seems like a dream. Like it happened to someone else. I don't understand why the very women who think abortion is an option, condemn those who let their child live, but allow someone else to raise him or her. I gave my child life, but another nurtured him as their own. My son was the most precious gift I ever gave anyone. And I don't regret it or feel sad anymore. No solution is perfect for a teenage girl. But I feel peace today. I really do.