Saturday, October 14, 2006

I Feel Sorry for the Bio-moms

Some of these ladies are ANGRY!

by Diane Turski

I had never heard the term "birthmother" until I reunited with my son. When the social worker who located me referred to me as his "birthmother," my first reaction was to instinctively recoil in distaste. What is a "birthmother?" It occurred to me that perhaps she had merely applied this ridiculous sounding term in an attempt at political correctness, so I ignored it. However, when my son's adoptive mother initiated her first contact with me she referred to him as my "birthson." What is a "birthson?" And what would a "birthfather" be - I didn't know that fathers gave birth! In a "birthfamily" are there also "birthsisters," "birthbrothers," "birthgrandparents," "birthaunts," "birthuncles," "birthcousins," "birthpets," etc?

She even says "birthmother means breeder"

I am offended by this as an adoptee. Whenever I have used the word "Birthmother" there has been nothing but respect behind it. My "bithmother" is just that....the woman who gave birth to me----that's a big deal. She is not my mother, thats the woman that raised me. But it takes nothing from what this woman did, I don't see her as simply a "breeder" or a nobody.
I do prefer "Biomom" because it explains it's the woman who made me biologically. She gave me my DNA...What I look like and many of my likes and dislikes.... what's so wrong about that??

She is my mother who gave me birth - she IS my BIRTHMOTHER!

8 comments: said...

I think you miss some of the layers of information. It's as if you only see one dimension or the top layer. When I read posts like this I wonder if it's you who is angry.

petunia said...

My point to this is that everyone feels different about this stuff and even though there are many who don't like the word "birthmother" because of everything behind it, there are many who use the word with much respect and mean nothing bad by it. If people don't use that word - that's fine, but I don't like being put down for using a word that, to me, only distinguishes my adopted parents from the woman that gave birth to me. said...

If it's used respectfully then I see it as a grey area.

I don't know if you realize that you come across as angry to me, you describe your mother as "that woman". Not just here but in tons of your posts and in some of the comments I have read elsewhere. I don't know if I am reading too much into what you say, only you know what is in your heart.

I am sorry you have felt attacked, that can't be nice. I added your post to my list of posts about the use of the word "birth-mother".

petunia said...

I call my biomom "that woman"? I don't remember doing that but if i did I didn't mean it in a bad way.... "that woman" does sound bad...i would never have written that the way it sounds. I may not always be good at coveying my feelings, as you can tell, I'm not much of a writer. And I'm not angry at fact, i never knew "birthmother" was such a controversial word. I've had a great life and the bios are nice. I do worry now and then about my biomom---she's a nervous person and wants more than i have to give...we wouldn't probably be friends if we weren't blood....we are just too different. said...

Now that I reread your comment you didn't say "that woman" you wrote "the woman". But it's not that it's just all the times you write about adoptees and mothers who are upset about the seperation. I wonder how you would cope if somebody took your baby away?

Well whatever it is, what comes across to me isn't necessary what you are intending. I have that when I write sometimes, people think I am something that I wasn't feeling at the time.

I don't like the word birthmother but I used to use it myself. It's a very grey area, I think a lot of people use it with a lot of respect while others use it to be deliberately offensive.

I don't think you use the word to be anything other than respectful.

Julie said...

Petunia - I get where you are coming from. For many First Mothers (I use this term when referring to my son's Mom), they have a really hard time with the birthmother term. I get them too.

You are talking about your feelings towards the adoption terminology. You are not wrong in my opinion. You have to do what makes you feel comfortable just like your biomom does.

You've posted your feelings on the subject - what about your biomom's feelings? How does she refer to herself to you?

petunia said...

It's interesting that you asked me that, I don't know how my biomom refers to herself. I've introduced her as my friend when we have run into people I know...she said she understood and went along....but I wondrered if it made her feel bad.
I am not a sensative person and don't take offense easily so it's difficult for me to understand people that are that way, she has never expressed many feelings to me.

kime said...

I am a "birth mom" and take no offense at all at the term. Maybe because it was my choice to place my son into a safer, better family life. I gave birth, but I did not raise him. I have peace, so the term is benign to me.