Monday, September 18, 2006


I got a box on my porch the other day and knew by the address that it was from my biomom. She sent the baby a pair of shoes - they are really cute and the invoice was inside - $32! I would never spend that much on shoes the baby will wear a few times. I guess that's why it's a good gift.....i'd never buy them. I feel guilty accepting gifts from her - I feel like it's a bribe and by accepting it I am obligated somehow. I don't think she means it this way but I feel a little guilty.

It all started after I found her. I told her I used a private detective that took $350 and "looked until she found"---it took 2 years. She sent me a check for $350 and wrote a note that it was "the least she could do" after this many years. I used it to buy a mantle clock i gave to her that had a secret compartment in the back. I wrote a poem about time we lose and the time we have lost...i hid it in the secret compartment.(i wish i would have kept a copy, i asked recently and she found it and lost it).
At first she sent me the most awesome gifts on holidays - any holiday, even little one's like Labor Day. I felt bad really, they were guilt gifts but i felt bad saying no. The most meaningful gifts were 1)a little ring that her uncle had given her when she was 12 - this was the uncle that gave her refuge after i was born. 2)two framed art pieces that her mother painted 3)old pictures of her and her mother
these are gifts that cost nothing but hold much meaning......those are the ones i treasure. I HATE the guilt gifts.....i accept them because she feels she must give them---they are more for her.....
I will say, i think the baby gifts are cute but they are more than guilt gifts......they are what she would have wanted to buy me, and that's even harder to accept.


kime said...

maybe you should not think of these presents as guilt gifts. Try and think of them as a gift to express a love that she is incapable of putting into words.
As a biomom, if I had the money, I would buy nice things for my birth son and his daughter. But I don't even have the money to buy the gifts for the people I see every day. I love buying gifts. If I had the money, I would be a lot more extravagant. I have to settle for being creative.
What am I trying to say? I think she has the money, so...why not?? And shoes!!!! How cool is that? Enjoy the luxery and send a sweet note. When you see something that reminds you of her, and it is within your budget, get it. Even if it is a bag of coffee you think she would like.
Just don't worry about her guilt. We can't fix that in other people.

Joy said...

Politics aside,

I think your mom is trying to find ways to connect to you and show you how loved you are.

I don't think you should necessarily attach guilt to it. I mean maybe, but maybe she is just wanting you to know that you are very precious.

You seem really guarded to me, I can so relate. It's hard to let our guards down, it's hard to accept love sometimes. Good luck to you on that. We deserve love, but sometimes it is hard. If that makes any sense.?!

Susan said...

Why do you identify these things are guilt gifts? Would you feel this way if the gifts were from your adoptive mom? And besides, baby gifts aren't really for you, they're for your child. This child is really lucky to be acknowledged and celebrated.

petunia said...

I didn't mean to sound ungrateful---i just feel these things are out of guilt more than love ---i may be wrong but either way I feel guilty excepting them like I don't deserve the gifts because I don't give her the time and love she wants from me....