Friday, August 24, 2007

The Stocklaufer’s are the Missouri family who had their adoptive son Max removed because the court declared dad Gary to obese to adopt. This family is not only baby Max’s hopeful adoptive family, and the family he has lived with all his tiny life, but they also have a biological connection. Max is the biological son of Gary’s cousin.

Are they saying people overweight can't adopt? Then overweight people should NOT have biological children then either -The government is worried that overweight people may have health problems......? Oh, and what about people with MS, Diabetes, Parkinson's...and all the other things that can impair your health? Then they should not be allowed to have biological and/or adopted children....that should be a no no for them too- right?

This is the most asinine things I have heard.....

Stand up and lets show some solidarity for the Stocklaufer’s

show a blue ribbon (even wear one if you will)
to show we are standing up for them



Anonymous said...

He weighs 500 pounds. Overweight is an understatement.

Tishslp said...

don't even get me started on this one. it's crazy.

I have diabetes AND I'm overweight and I'm (so my husband says) a great mom. There are ways to manage both weight and diabetes safely to make positive changes and decrease the risks associated with each.

I compeltely don't understand the judge's reasoning in this case. Is he denying this adoption because the father may die of complications? I can understand that this man may die, however any of us could have a heart attack, get hit by a car, get shot by a lunatic or have an aneurysm....being overweight doesn't give you exclusive rights to death.

Even if this man were to die (God forbid, spit, spit), this child still has a mother, as the man is married. A system that allows singles to adopt can't turn around and deny an adoption because the child might lose one parent and only have one parent left.

The only other thing someone mentioned was that the judge might have though that the man's weight was due to poor eating habits that would be passed on to the child. Okay, I think that's a poor reason to deny an adoption given the number of biological parents that have poor eating habits in America but, ignoring that, then the judge can order mandatory nutrition counseling or frequent weight monitoring by a doctor or nutritionist.

Finally, and certainly not least, the judge is TOTALLY ignoring the wishes of the birthparents and removing a child from his HOME (two awful actions) on a prejudice.

He should be ashamed of himself, but is probably to busy being God to even realize it.....

petunia said...

so "anonymous", are you going to tell people that are 500 pounds they are not allowed to have biological children? Would you say the judge should take away any children they may have? Please, there are an awful lot of overweight people who are parents in the US.
You're probably one of those that would fight for gays adopting but don't care a fig about this guy..... sad. Like those who would rather see a baby aborted than relinquished for adoption.... makes no sense.

Tishslp said...


Uhm, yeah, 500 pounds is startlingly overweight. Your point?

Kelly said...

Hmmm; why is someone in their own family trying to rob a baby from another family member? You could do guardianship!!!

I know an adoptive couple; that the mother should of never been allowed to adopt; she is to ill. I loss my son to adoption; and if I find that situation his adoptive mother is in the hospital 90% of the time; some people will have to come up with answers. I lived with a sick mother; and no child should have to go through that. If you are that sick; there is no reason for you to seek out a baby/child. Its selfish.

petunia said...

Kelly, this man is not sick, he's overweight. If they were applying at an agency and the biomom didn't know that it would be one thing...but this man has already been this child's father for a's ridiculous to deny him now of it all being legal....what's the point?
Anyway, there are plenty of sick does not take away from their love from their children. What if healthy young parents adopt then one gets sick soon after....should they take the child away? That's where your logic leeds.

Kelly said...

First off; I don't think any one should adopt. And; if you know you are sick; you have no buiness seeking out a child. Young Parents? Enlighten me on that; I was told adoptive parents; were older; and wiser then me. They been through home studies for years; which I know now is a bunch of crapt they told me; just so they could get my son.

And 500 lbs; is not an illness? I think a lot of doctors; would disagree with you. I think they would be running tests; but then again I guess yoiu think I am uneducated!

Furthermore; why would you steal a child right in your own family? That is like me going to my sister's house; picking up one of my nieces; and adopting her; and pretending me; and my husband are her parents. Hmm; you far from understand adoption loss!!!!

petunia said... you read? The mother cannot take care of the child, that's why he's been with this man since he was very small. I guess someone came and took your child right out of your arms without you knowing? I'm sorry that you are unhappy about your relinquishing but not all biomoms are upset about their decision. And I cannot agree with you one bit that adoption shouldn't happen at all....I guess those babies are better off in whatever circumstance they are born into? Again, it comes back to the reading....all you have to do is look at the situations some of these babies come out of...there are WAY too many circumstances where adoption is a much better life for the child---and there really is no arguing with that unless you have lived under a rock or in a fantasy world.
I, personally am much better off, and I know way too many adoptees who feel the same. I know biomoms don't like to hear someone else could raise a child better but....

Tishslp said...


your bitterness seems to be blinding you to the facts of this case. This woman CHOOSE her cousin to be her child's father because she felt she was unable to raise him. Far, far different situation than even domestic adoption. Mothers who find themselves unable to care for their children should be able to find safe and loving homes for said children, no?

Hope you find some measure of relief from the pain you seem to be feeling. It's an awful pain to relinquish a child, I'm sure....

Kelly said...

HMMMM; do you read?????? Use guardainaship. And why is it all about babies; with ya'll? I know some teeenagers; sitting in foster care; don't see any one running to get them; and then sitting in courts for years; fighting; all about the babies isn't it? I think a judge would be glad for the fight to be over someone who is a teenager; these judges have to think these fights are getting old; and realizing the parents were not educated on the decision; or they would not end up in court.

I guess someone came and took your child right out of your arms without you knowing? I'm sorry that you are unhappy about your relinquishing but not all biomoms are upset about their decision. Let me make it clear to you; my baby was stolen from a controlling mother; if you need to read my blog; please do so; its the first post.

Fantasy world? LMAO; I don't live in a fanatsy world; that is why I will tell you the truth. But my mother; and the rest of the idiots who stole my baby; live in a fantasy world. And; that is why I will never adopt; and ask for guardianship for a tennager; never an infant; because I am far from uneducated no mother; carried a baby full-term to lose him/her to another family. I will not take away that teenager's last name; they grew up with; why? So I can have control; I don't need that power. Am I bitter? Maybe; I am; because now I know I have reason to be.

And tell me how you are better off? Do you know your natural mother? Enlighten me. Wish I see; you are not going to even discuss what doctors think about this man's condition; wish I hope he goes; and sees a doctor. It is very important; to get these things check out. I am guessing since you are better off; you have all your medical inofrmation???????

petunia said...

Kelly, I really am sorry that your mother had enough power over your life to steal your baby. I know when you are under their roof parents have much of the control. But aren't you angry with your mother? with the authorities she worked with? That's like not wanting children to attend school because a few teachers have been arrested for molesting children. There are some bad circumstances but there are actually many biomoms who found out they were pregnant, went to an agency, met with adopted parents and let them attend doctor's visits before she delivers and's not that unusual. Does that take away what happened to you, no. But why would you deny any child a good home, a good life, to prove a point?
Yes, I met my bioparents and they are both happy with the decision that was made...they see what a good life/family I had and how happy I am. Of course it was sad for my biomom but she was/is at peace. I have many biomom friends who are at peace as well.
. understanding is that Mr. Stocklaufer underwent gastric bypass surgery (for free thanks to a nearby hospital) and it was a big success. He even lost 60 pounds before the surgery on his own. He has high blood pressure ( i know some thin people with that too - oh oh, better not let them adopt).

Kelly said...

Hmmm; study up on agencies; please. How many are ethical? I am sorry; Mr. S; has a high blood pressure; that is scary. How do I know that? Guess what? I am 32; and I have/ had high blood pressure. Why? I am hoping that it was just due to a Brain Tumor!!! Hey the pepople I grew up considering my grandparenst; since my mom is so crazy; and kept me from my father's family; are adoptive parents; and I will tell you they are the best people I know.

As you can tell; I do not back down.

Under their roof they have control? Hmm; funny my husband who has an older daughter; from a previous marraige; got pregnant young; he didn't think he had control of what to tell her what to do for her baby. He's a man; and got it; it wasn't his decision! Thank God; for him; because her mother is as controlling as mine. My husband had custody; so his oldest daughter was safe. If my husband didn't have custody; her story would of been scarier then mine. As it should of never been my mother's decision; I was almost an adult; and I am ten times the mother; my mother is; or will ever be.

Oh; and my son does not have his medical history! And that I have tried to forward to him; as Brain Tumors are serious; its not like we are dealing with a cold. Guardianship; works just as well as an adoption. Sometimes children; can not remain in their home; so they have to live else where. I still yet; to see any of these people fight over a teenager; why????????????? And; I know an adoptive couple who just turned down an infant; because the mom; had a drug problem; that baby really could of used a home opened up to him/her. But; no the adoptive couple seeked out a healthy female with no addictions; and guess what?? The agency preyed on this young lady. Not actually explaining to her; what she was doing; just made her feel inferior!! These adoptive parents; in this story; are adopting for all the wrong reasons. What do you think of this? Enlighten me. Because; imho; the baby who has an addict for a mother; needs the help.

Tishslp said...


Honestly, I hope you find some peace with this. You must be hurting incredibly to make a comparison between kidnapping and adoption.

I have to say, though that I'm sorry, hon, but you are confusing some things here.

Kidnapping is one thing and adoption is another. Kidnapping occurs when someone takes another's child without express permission (even if they also are the parent) with the intent of keeping that child away from their parent(s). It is a criminal act and, when found, the child is returned by law to the custodial parent(s). If your child was taken from you without your signature/consent/permission and given to another, then s/he was kidnapped and, of course, being angry is an appropriate response. So is going to the authorities to find out what they are doing to find and prosecute the individuals involved.

Adoption is a process where by a birthfamily decides they are not ready (for reasons that are usually unique) to parent and, although there are variations, the family usually then pick another couple, or another person to raise their child. It is a legal process and is generally not revokable, except in cases where the legalities were not correctly carried out.

In a case like the one posted here, the birth family REQUESTED that their child be removed from their home and placed into a home WITHIN the extended family. Clearly, IMO, it is unreasonable to compare it to kidnapping.

One problem with adoption is that life is long and regrets can surface. I would think that many women, finding relinquishment so very difficult, would feel regret at times and not just occassionally. This is terribly difficult and painful for all involved and can cause a lot of stress and tension among both birth and adoptive families. It's a situation fraught with emotion, which makes "clear" thinking difficult and reconciliation even more difficult. It's not unusual for both birth and adoptive families to close the other off.

All that being true, however, regret after a legal process has been completed (be it marriage, adoption, buying a house, assigning guardianship, etc) does not mean that said legal process was then inherently flawed or unethical. It also doesn't mean that the process was not necessary. There really aren't too many issues that people have that can't resolve over a lifetime, but keeping a child in a questionable environment until things "get better" just isn't fair to that child. And so a permanent solution gets put over what MIGHT be temporary problem. Sometimes decisions need to be made even when knowledge of the future is not available.

There are many reforms and revisions which may help to reduce or (please, God) even eliminate the problems that come in adoption, be it foster, domestic or international. Changing the basic nature of adoption or eliminating it entirely, however, is as ridiculous, and damaging to children, as throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.

Praying for you, Kelly. Living with pain just sucks and I hope for you (and for many, including myself) that it goes away. Not likely, I know, but nice to think about for sure.....

petunia said...

Sorry if you misunderstood Kelly - I was sympathizing with you that your parents had the control in the house and you didn't.
You are citing individual cases Kelly. I am sure there are people who adopt who are callous and selfish, I'm sure there are unethical agencies and I'm sure there are unscrupulously social workers just as there are horrible biological parents. That is the world. However, you can cite individual cases all you want and it does NOT negate the fact that adoption has worked/is working as a whole. 6-10 million adoptees out there and the largest percentage of them were/are good, ethical and worked out well.
You said "I know an adoptive couple who just turned down an infant; because the mom; had a drug problem; that baby really could of used a home opened up to him/her" but you say you are totally against adoption - so does this make you happy or upset?
And just so you know, there ARE people fighting for teenagers in foster care...I know many families myself. Many of these kid's parents WILL NOT give up their parental right -even after these kids have been in foster care this many years they won't give it up.....that's a real shame.
My church sponsors a group home for teens that have no family that wants them but want to go to high school. A friend just went to Russia and adopted sisters (both teens) and another friend came back with a thirteen and fourteen year old who were just about ready to get kicked out onto the street. There are people fighting for these kids. You are isolated and don't see all the wonderful stories out there - if you got out into the adoption world instead of reading all the crap on the anti-adoption sites you would see for yourself how great people can be and are.
I'm sure you look back with regret and's understandable. Be angry at the right people...the one's makes me angry too if you were made to relinquish with threats by your parents. But just because it happened to you don't think that it is like that for all. Have you personally checked out all the agencies? Have you interviewed all the women who walked in their doors? The average age of women relinquishing is in their twenties and they do not live with their parents.
Adoption does work, it can be a good thing all the way around. It's a shame that all info has to be sealed - that we do agree on.

Tishslp said...

"As you can tell; I do not back down."

Kelly, it would be a tragedy to turn a discussion of individual adoption experiences into a contest of "my story proves a point and yours doesn't" That, IMO, is to totally miss the opportunity for me to understand from you what is wrong in adoption and for you to understand from P and I the larger picture of adoption. In that case, we only spend our time blabbing, not DOING to make sure children who don't have homes get homes.

It seems like medical records are a stick often used to beat the "bad, bad adoption" drum. But, not just adoptees have limited medical information. When we were considering infertility treatments, my OB/GYN wanted to know my mother's history....she, my maternal grandparents and my maternal uncle have all been dead for a long, long time. I had no information to give him. I wouldn't even know the doctors she used, assuming they would even give me that information. Additionaly, my mother suffered from mental illness. I also do not have access to those records. I do not know if the behaviors my mother exhibited (which, trust me, are well remembered) were genetically based or environmentally based (as in the case of dissociative behavior following psychological trauma). I don't wish any less for those records than does an adoptee for theirs. The law keeps medical records sealed because of policy not because they want to make an adoptee's life worse. There are plenty of good reasons why those laws may need to change adn I have no arguement with that.

There is an entire leg of the OB/GYN medical community dedicated to high risk pregnancy. They exist to aid women who wish to become pregnant, but suffer from neurological disorders, diabetes, brain tumors, MS, and countless other diseases which could compromise the health of both the mother and the fetus/baby. Are those women "selfish" because they want a baby? They do a great job and a lot of babies are born to parents who otherwise would have either not been conceived or would have died in utero. By your reasoning that it is selfish to have a child when you have a medical illness, do you then think that these women should abort their babies or undergo sterilization? Since you have had a brain tumor is it better that your children, now at risk for same, sterilize themselves and remain childless? I mean, they COULD be stressed by their illness and abuse their children. They COULD be so sick that their children are neglected. They COULD be so poor from undergoing medical treatments or missing work that they can't give the baby all of the things that child needs, right? Oh wait....these are like the kind of assumptions many birthmoms say were made about them because they were young, single or immature. See how maing judgements on someone else's ability to parent becomes a slippery slope? Maybe we should be pulling together for children who truly don't have homes to get those homes than citing case after case of "I know a story that tops yours".

As far as legal guardianship goes; if it makes you happier to call me a legal guardian rather than a mother....knock yourself out. It doesn't change my job, nor does it change my relationship with my child. I AM his mother. He knows it, I know it and his birthmom not only knows it, she WANTS me to be a mom to him.

Funny how people are so okay with gay adoptions and the "two mommies" thing, but it's all of a sudden a violation for a child to have two mommies in terms of birhtmommy and adoptive mommy.

We all need to look beyond our own circumstances and work together for the better of each child who finds him or herself being raised outside of their biological family.

MomEtc. said...

My parents were both very overweight (although not as heavy as this man). It really didn't impact their parenting ability at all. I fully support this man adopting this child.