Friday, February 09, 2007

Ignorance is NOT Bliss!!

It amazes me the ignorance of people on the subject of adoption. I guess if you talked to me about cremation or nuclear proliferation I would be in the dark and need some clarification but come you need instructions on courtesy? On common sense?
If one more person says anything stupid to us about our adoption I think I'll scream----OH THE IGNORANCE!

The thing is - all people of adoption have their side of ignorance. I know how an adopted mom and an adoptee feels but I could never know how a biomother feels....not really. I can respect it, read about it, ask people about it but I'll never know really. Just as they will never know how I feel.

Everyone has their own opinions, that is definetly clear in the adoption world. The agencies have their perspective, the birthmothers come at it from a more emotional personal level than them, the adopted parents have different (but just as powerful) emotions about the whole thing. Then, you have the adoptee who has the least amount of memories, emotions and reference to all of it but is the center of the whole thing. They are the beacon to which all these other people look to and are attached to. The agencies want the women to come in because yes, it is a business and these people have to make a living, the birthmother wants everything to be different, they want to be able to keep their child and raise that child on their own. The adopted parents want a child to love, to fill their lives with happiness and joy. The adult adoptee is trapped in the middle - As an adopted mother I can say I wouldn't change anything, my baby is the most important thing in the world to me, I'm selfish and now that she is ours I don't want to share her.

Before you slam me, think about it from my perspective. (and don't worry, I know the importance of finding the bios....and that will happen if she wants it). If you are from another side of adoption, try thinking about it from the side of a person who wanted a child to love, wanted a family for 15 years. You can't imagine how it feels if you have not been in those shoes but realize there is that side as well as your own. I have not had a loss like handing over a child I birthed to someone else but I have lost many, many children--The child I dreamed of every four weeks in 13 years. I do not regret not having a biological child because i do have a child to raise, to share our lives with, to love beyond all measure. I DO regret that it is because of someone else's loss that we have this sweet baby as our own.

We are all ignorant of other people's feelings, we are all selfish, we care about our own feelings more than anyone else's but it is only because we can only know our own feelings, we have only seen the world through our own eyes.

Ignorance is not bliss - especially if you stay ignorant and don't try to understand other people's ideas, opinions and feelings. Ignorance is ignorance.

Just my 2 cents


Anonymous said...

Thanks for admitting your selfishness. My two cents is that if you want to adopt, adopt an older child who has no ties to a family, and who deserves a home. How you can take an infant from a mother to raise is beyond me....infant adoption is just pure wrong. Adoption agencies should focus on keeping babies with their natural families, when all else fails...then adoption. How you can get any joy out of someone's loss sickens me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Well, anonymous doesn't seem to realize that there are plenty of SOCIAL SERVICE agencies that do focus on keeping the child w/his/her biological parent. Not to mention the courts that focus on that (talk to someone that did foster adoption and see how simple it is to adopt a foster child).

Petunia, I see where you're coming from and yes there is plenty of ignorance out there. I know I'm not perfect and may not always know the exact PC thing to say. All I can do is try to keep learning. Just a few weeks ago I was watching Heroes and one of the characters is adopted and they made a reference to her 'real parents' as if her adopted parents were somehow less real?

Trace (who wanted to remain anonymous, sorry, you know where I am)

petunia said...

haha "adoption" agencies should focus on keeping babies with their families? Then they wouldn't be called adoption agencies....
and 1st "anonymous" (too scared to leave a name). You are obviously a birthmother who is hurting so I won't talk about your own ignorance. You are selfish to want some of these babies to be with a mother who could not take care of them... you don;t know every circumstance do you? Be careful of opening your mouth too much --one day you will insert your foot too far.

petunia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
happyheart said...

You have said it well, once again. Children should be adopted at the earlies age possible so that parents and child can bond. If not, the child may suffer the rest of their life.
When I placed my child up for adoption over 20 years ago, I felt hope. My baby would be rescued from the horrible cirmcustances that he was born into. As a teenager, I was no where near equiped to parent. I wanted my son to live, but I didn't want him to suffer because of my problems. We have made contact and he is thankful that I gave him life and loves his family. That gives me joy. I love how much you love your baby and how much joy she has brought to your life. One young womans terrible circumstance brought a beautiful life into yours. As a 'birth' mom, that makes my heart explode with joy. I am sure there are many sad stories on all sides of this issue. No body knows what I was facing as a 17 year old pregnant girl. And to be sure, I mourned my loss for a long time. I missed out on a lot. But it would have been a greater tragidy to try and raise him on my own, and fail miserably. Thank you for loving that child! That is what gives birth mothers hope.

Manuela said...

Interesting. I too, am an infertile adoptee, and while I have different opinions than you, I certainly still find it interesting to ponder your viewpoint.

I do just want to mention though, that the American adoption model is just one of many types throughout the world. (And yes, of course I realize you are writing from an American point of view not necessarily a global one, so I'm just sort of expanding the discussion.) Australia for example, has a very different approach to adoption, and as a result has one of the lowest rates of adoption, foster care, and child abandonment in the world. The Australian Adoption Agencies (non-profit by law) actually do focus on keeping the child with the biological family as a first line of defense (using 'defense' as a metaphor, not a judgment), unless the first parent is simply unfit, unsafe, or just unwilling to raise the child themselves.

Just wanted to mention that there are actually agencies that do focus on biological families as the preferred choice (where feasible), and adoptive families as a second choice. Just a very different approach than in the U.S. from what I understand.

Anyhow, as usual, interesting to see all the tempers on this discussion!