Monday, January 21, 2008

Adoption, Adoptees and NOT speaking for everyone

In response to a comment I decided to write a post just about my feelings on adoption adoptees, birthparents and adopted parents. One of the reasons I write anything is that many prospective adopted parents spend time scouring the blogs for any information about adoption before they take the plunge. Not too many happy adoptees write anything...why should they. However, they are the majority. I want these people to have hope about adoption, to know that most adoptions work out okay, that not everyone is anti-adoption and birthparents and adoptees are out there living normal lives and happy with themselves and their life in general.

Now, I realize not all adoptions are good, not all turn out well, and not all adopted parents are good. But for the most part things are okay in the adoption world and only a small percentage of people have bad experiences. Is that taking anything away from people who have not had a good adoption experience? - NO...In a perfect world everyone could stay with their biological parents, everyone could conceive and have their own biological children and everone would live happily ever after. But that does not happen.

All adoptions are different because all people are different. Is anything perfect about adoption...no. There are people who cannot keep a baby for many different reasons, there are people who want to adopt a baby for many different reasons and there are good and bad people out there trying to help those people....what a mess.

So, as birthparents and as adopted parents you find a place where people care about you, there are rules and ethics and things are done legally. That's the best anyone can do.
I am one of the few people that write about how well adoption can work....It didn't start out that way but I feel that someone has to have good stories in the blogisphere or we are going to have everyone going to different countries to adopt ( and there are plenty of children here who need adopted parents).

Children need to be able to locate their biological family when they grow up and you have a hard time doing that when they are in another country with bad records.

So...for the record, I do not speak for all adoptees because we are all as different as snowflakes. But there are 6 million adoptees and the curve is high for happiness.....

5 comments:

Gershom said...

Petunia...

Can I see how you're gathering this "high curve for happiness" show me something, statistics, stories, lead me to how you came to that conclusion PLEASE. Because I have been doing research and studying adoptees for 7 years, and I have found quite the opposite.

Do you advocate for the industry to stand as it is? Do you believe it needs any improvement in any department?

You commented that you are posting positive stories or else everyone will choose internation adoption.

Are you an advocate for foster care adoption? Do you know the statistics behind how many foster care children get adopted each year compared to domestic adoptions and international adoptions?

Tell me about how you're coming to these conclusions. If you can teach me something I'm here to learn, but if you're just blogging off of assumption I'm going to move on, because I can't spend time debating with someone who hasn't done any research herself.

You say you're not speaking for any adoptees NOW, but in the post I commented on you DID speak for ALL adoptees. And now you say MANY are happy please show me your research.

petunia said...

Gershom,
I think you are WAY too excited about this. I don't think I should have to defend myself on my own blog. I want positive blogs out there about domestic, foreign and foster adoption- good information...I don't want people to decide NOT to adopt because they are scared of anyone or what will become of the child. There are millions of adoptees out there.... do you hear that much complaining? Come on, I'm really sorry that everyone cannot have a great adoption experience and I'm not saying they are not out there - you say you are one of them and I'm sorry. But people who have had bad experiences do not speak for the masses either. I'm not mad or upset that you disagree with me...shoot, if I were you I'd be mad too. But you have to admit there are skewed statistics out there because the only people complaining are those who have had a problem with adoption. No one polls the happy adoptees, no one does a survey....you probably know people who are adoptees and aren't even aware of it. Most people have good lives---most people in general have good lives, you only hear the bad stories in any situation....like listening to the news and thinking everyone is getting shot, kidnapped or assaulted.

I want my blog to say - GO AHEAD--ADOPT.... it was great for me, it was great for our family!

Gershom said...

YES!! I hear ALOT of complaining.
I hear 100,00+ children stuck in foster care due to the industry YOU are promoting. Because the "adoption industry" and "foster care adoption" are two completely different things.

I hear 18 million orphans in Africa by the year 2010 needing alot more than to line up in assembly lines hoping to get picked to go to the land of milk and honey just to "survive."

People darn well should be thinking about "whats to come of their children" if they're looking into adoption. Adoption IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT THE CHILD.

Do you even know what an anti-adoption agenda is? Have you looked into while you've been on the anti- anti-adoption agenda?

Because, me, someone who IS anti adoption the way it is today, I am an advocate for CHILDREN. i want whats BEST for children. I want to work twords a system that is nurturing those who need nurturing outside of their homes, and is making it possible for those who dont need to be removed due to abuse and neglect, to stay together.

You, working against that, says alot about your character

I'm NOT excited, I'm let down. You, of all people, an adoptee, and an adoptive mother should be working towards a system that supports ALL children who need it. Not one that we have today.

You haven't done the research, I can tell. You're not even willing to discuss it. I'm let down by you petunia. Adoptees should stick together, not leave some behind to prove their personal agenda of supporting a broken system, that isn't supporting its children.

You need to do your homework. You don't even understand the industry you're advocating for. Thats a shame for you and hundreds of thousands, even millions of children.

petunia said...

Gershom,
Where do you get off telling me what I know and don't know?...you obviously have not been reading. I have never said I like the way the adoption industry is, I have always said people should make sure they are choosing an agency that is ethical. Birthmothers should not be coerced, and people should consider all options...like foster care adoption, etc.
Anti-adoption means a lot of things....some people just talk about how the industry needs to be changed but too many are against adoption all together...that is ludicrous.

Africa has so many people dying of AIDs that there are millions pf AIDS orphans, no one can even come close to adopting them. That's another whole ball of wax - I haven't even mentioned anything about Africa...and most governments there won't even allow adoption.

Gershom I think you have been tainted by the things you have seen and heard. No industry is free of flaws, especially when money is involved. But, the majority of people in the industry are trying to help and make it better. It's an uphill battle and there are too many kids going in to foster care and too many women that need help.
Adoption IS many times the best thing for the CHILD. Many parents who abuse will NEVER be able to parent and it IS the best thing for the children to be removed....just the cold hard truth. I'm in the middle of the industry, I'm on advocacy groups and talking to adoptees and birthmoms all the time. I'm with good people who care about what happens to birthmoms and adoptees. NO ONE is going to step in and change this...it's up to people who want to adopt to only go with agencies who are ethical, and have a good reputation. It's up to adoptees, birthmoms and adopted parents to educate (in a good way) and not bad mouth the whole industry. The reason there are fewer families adopting from foster care is that people are scared to death.... especially after reading some of the mean blogs out there.
And...I'm not advocating for an industry---I'm just telling people most adoptees are happy, most people in the industry aren't going to rob you - I don't want people to read only the negative. This isn't politics, it's people's hopes and dreams.

Sai Skye said...

i am a birth mother. my son was adopted from a family in texas april 1987. i have never met him, but that might be a downfall on my part. i was going to send information to the original agency which helped with the placement and then my daughter (his younger sister) became pregnant @ 16yrs old, so i had to put her on the front burner before i could bring stress upon the famly.

that was in 2005.
2006, i left my abusive husband but not the father of the baby i put up for adoption.
2007, i was a basketcase from crazy emotions and counseling from being with a sicko abuser.

it is now 2008, my daughter is no longer speaking to me and i still alone. but i think seeing your posts was the reminder that i need to at least extend my hand.