Tuesday, March 27, 2007

The Blame Game

My parents know that I know I am adopted. We don't really talk about it, I never saw a need. Now that I am an adopted parent they mention things about when they brought me home and how wonderful I was/am (awww). But, I would NEVER (as one of the commenters mentioned) tell them I have met my bios. I do this out of respect---I NEVER want them to think that the bios are more important than them...because they are NOT. They are friends....the only thing that links us is DNA. They are nice people and we maintain a mutual friendship but that is where it ends. My parents are in their 70s, times were different when I was born...it was all very secret and they were told not to talk about anything. There are still some things that are private....they have them too.

My biomom has said she had a fantasy of me joining in her family again one day and at first she felt like that would happen (totally understandable-she fantasized about it for 31 years)....but....she said she realized she didn't know me...I was NOT the baby she handed to the social worker. She knows I have parents and she is happy and at peace now that she knows that I was brought up by great people and I'm a happy, well adjusted adult. She said she finally felt a closure and has stopped smoking and has a great knew job. She's happy. We email back and forth a few times a year and we usually meet for lunch and exchange Christmas gifts in March or April. We are all in a great place----I know most of the people that comment can't believe that there are people out there that are emotionally okay with it all. They want someone to blame for their own unhappiness...

Blaming is a dangerous thing. Psychologists would say we are really blaming ourselves when we blame other people unjustly. I understand many people have been hurt in adoption. Still, the numbers don't add up to show that it's such a high percentage we should get rid of it all together. It has worked for too many people. There will always be those who are forced to do something they do not want to do....that is sad.
Am I blaming birthmothers who are forced? NO
Am I blaming birthmothers at all? NO
Can we blame MOST adopted parents? NO
Can we blame people who are corrupt and abuse a good system? YES

Are there crappy adopted parents like there are crappy bio parents? Absolutely
But how many? You go through all the screening process and tests and fees.....they don't do that to people are going to give birth to children (where is their screening process?). I will dare to say the percentage of good parents that adopt are probably higher than that of bioparents......(I know the abuse is off the charts for bioparents compaired to adopted parents).

One of the commenters wrote "Bio kids are luck of the draw, adopted are not." But that is untrue - do we as adopted parents "hand pick" an adopted child? I think it is the opposite....I would not do drugs or drink or smoke when pregnant but many biomoms do....and they place those babies in our arms and we love them regardsless of what effects that has had on them.

Anywhere there is money to be made - there will be those who take advantage....does it mean it is all bad? I am generalizing and you are all only looking at your own scenario or those that you read on these blogs (the small percentage that have not gone well).

NO ONE is denying your feelings if you were part of the corruption....if you were forced by a crappy father, if you were forced by some money hungry lawyer, if you were manipulated by a crappy agency/social worker or if you felt forced by society....We are all sorry, it should NOT happen.

Blame your fathers, blame the lawyers, blame the agency, blame the world you live in. Don't put blame on everyone else...there are good fathers, good lawyers, good agencies and even society has changed.

Six million adoptees out there mean six million biomoms....... If they were all forced into doing something they didn't want to do.....there would be a larger group speaking out about it (at least on anonymous blogs).

People who are so angry when reading these things have decided that I am saying they are wrong, or lying. I am NOT......but you have to look at the larger picture. There is bad in every situation in life I'm just sorry that you were the victims:
The woman who got the wrong leg amputated, The boy who got shot for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, the man stabbed by a robber, The children abused by an alchoholic father, and on and on. You never think it will be you that suffers the bad stuff. Who are these people going to blame? Instead of writing about how mad they are at everyone else, I hope they blame the people that are really the cause of their suffering and then do something about it......


Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you are saying this - If I write it, I'll have my family threatened....but it is the truth. We aren't against them - why are they so against us??

Joy said...

I don't get it? Why wouldn't your aparents want to know about you and your life, your thoughts, your feelings?

I want to know about my childs.

I want to know who he is. And he does talk to me about certain stuff with his dad, we are divorced, why is it not respectful to tell your parents about YOU?

What do you think they would do?

I felt like I had to tell my aparents, out of respect.

Addie Pray said...

I agree Joy, I cannot imagine not telling my a-parents, it would be a betrayal not to. I have no doubt that they would view me not telling them something like this as disrespectful.

As odd as they can be, they do want to know what's going on in my life. I'm even convinced they think I'm an intelligent responsible adult sometimes.
And I don't even have to blog in tribute to them to get that. Go figure.

Friend of Jesus said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
AnotherAmy said...

When I said bio kids are luck of the draw I probably worded it wrong however the context of the rest of the comment is pretty clear. I'm guessing that most readers realised what I meant. While children born to bio parents may or may not have good parents, adopted children should ALWAYS have good parents. I cannot accept blowing off bad adoptive parents as oh well, it happens just like with bio's. In my experience adopted children have either been harmed noticeably by being adopted or by seriously bad parents at least half the time. More the older they get. In fact the only confirmed cases of well adjusted adopted children in my age group always had a bio sibling with them as well.
Each generation is learning from the one before it. This is very good news.

abbylynn said...

petunia, you leave me banging my head against my computer desk with nearly every post. why did you change the name of your blog? the other title was SO fitting. if your aparents truly loved you, they would love all of you, this includes your DNA. you were so brainwashed from day one to play the good little grateful adoptee. you had to fill the void they had. you were their second choice, their first choice would have been to become pregnant. they are treating you as if you were born to them, when you weren't. those are the facts. it is sad for everyone.

Michelle said...

Saying the majority of people are happy or content with adoption because 6 million people who were adopted (therefore 6 million mothers)are not visible or we're not hearing from them doesn't mean anything.

How many of these have already reunited? how many are searching? How many searched, couldn't find, and gave up? How many found a grave? How many are scared to post on the internet for fear of hurting adopters? How many don't have a computer? How many feel they don't have the right to search or express their feelings?

The Canadian Adoptees Registry has over 100,000 names on it.

In Ontario, where legislation passed in 2005 to unseal records, the adoption disclosure registry stated that as of July 2005, there were 70,000 names on it (people waiting to be matched or have a search done). The registry had been around since 1979. There were approx 250,000 adoptions in Ontario by 2005, and over the 20+ years of the registry being available, means that more than half of adoptees and mothers were seaching for each other. Then there are people like me who never used a registry, so my rsearch/reunion is not counted as a statistic anywhere. Be careful when uning numbers to back up your argument - there's already studies that prove that adoptees and mothers (and let's not forget the fathers, siblings and grandparents) search more than they do not.

Also, adoption awareness is relatively new; people are beginning to speak out about their adoption experience - give it another ten years and see how many people are speaking out on the web about the inhumane practice of adoption and its laws.

petunia said...

Funny that you should say what you did - because my Aparents had four bio children...I was "another" choice" and I'm my father's favorite :)
I looked too...it doesn't mean I was sad and upset about being adopted...just curious. I am saying 6 million people and only a handful are angry and bitter.
anotheramy, I couldn't agree with you more...I wanted to make sure we were on the same page about it...I agree that ALL adopted parents SHOULD be great but after all the screening...the agencies can only do so much.

Michelle said...

Well, I would disagree that only a handful are "angry and bitter." And...what does angry and bitter mean to you? People who don't agree with your views? Have you sat and talked with these people? Do you know them and what's deep in their soul? You seem to be the one who's angry because others express views that bother you.

BTW....many of those angry, bitter people you seem to get under your skin are the ones lobbying goverments to get laws changed to make searching easier for adoptees and moms. They are the ones facilitating support groups for people; they are the ones giving adoptees and mothers a voice and platform to express themselves.

So, sit back, relax and let all the angry, bitter people do all the work.... keep on posting and critisizing.... but remember, those who are angry are making positive changes in adoption.(But of course these changes may not seem positive to you.)

Ok, better put on my army boots, put on angry adoptee cap, get my baseball bat and get out there let the world know just how angry I am! ;-)

petunia said...

Michelle, your post actually made me giggle. I'm not angry at all...and when other people are just wrong...yes, I say they are wrong. I don't mind if people had a bad situation and turn it positive by trying to get legislature to open records - more power to them. I am upset by people who try to say all adoption is bad - that is wrong. Have you done studies of your own about how upset people are? Out of 6 million adoptees you read blogs of a handful of people who probably did have a bad time of it and think everyone did. That is understandable I guess, your experience is limited. I actually know 100s of very happy adoptees, biomoms and adopted parents so my perspective is a little different. I'm not saying bad things don't happen - I think I've made that perfectly clear.

And if you don't know the people who are angry and bitter from the ones who are not I will count you in that group.

More power to those who change the world! (for the better)
And by the way, aren't you the one who is angry because I don't agree with you?

petunia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michelle said...


I think you are really hung up on the word angry. Hmm... not sure why that is. In the last 12 years as an advocate for adoption reform, I have met over a thousand adoptees all of whom had their own views about adoption. Are all of them on the web writing about their feelings? Nope. Are they sitting in a basement plotting a mass-killing? Nope, (or not that I'm aware of, anyway!). Telling someone they're wrong for the way they feel is pretty useless too.

My friend has been a professional searcher for 17 years...she says 8 out of 10 the adoptees that come to her are bitter about adoption (and I'm really simplifying their experience by using the word bitter). Are all of them writing on the web? Nope.

Perhaps researching adoption trauma a bit more before you make claims about anything other than your own experience would be helpful. And, does not liking adoption mean that someone is angry? I guess in Petunia's dictionary it does.

Petunia, I don't know you and I'm not concerned with why you are angry with reformers. But I have to admit that communicating with you is actually kinda trippy....you flip the script...like many adoptees....very typical adoptee behaviour!

Ta Ta! and enjoy....:))

petunia said...


If you are so into reform, as you claim, it's interesting that you wouldn't link to your web address or blog....
The investigator I worked with has very different statistics than you do. She was an adoptee herself you found her biomom and changed her whole business to only doing reunions. She also had her own radio show for years about adoption, until she retired a few years ago. She has helped to find thousands of her own biomoms and adoptees and her percentages are much different than yours.
I talk about people being angry because people like you, who don't know me or my story, post comments that are mean and hateful. Bitter and angry people write bitter and angry things about others. I don't post about how aweful biomoms are, how terrible adoptees are....I post about how people twist the truth about all adoptions being bad. I will say, for the umteenth time --- Not all adoptions are perfect...there are bad people out there but it DOES NOT mean all (or even most) are bad!

Joy said...

I really like your new picture Petunia

mama2roo said...

Oh, Abbylynn, the comment about "you were their second choice" made me cringe a little (okay a lot). Admittedly, I don't know you so maybe I don't have a context, but as an adoptive parent, I have to say that adoption was not the first means to becoming a parent that I tried, I tried it second. But my child, himself, is not and has never been a second choice. You may say its semantics, but he is who he is and he is a wonderful little guy who brings with him so many wonderful things, many of course are surely attributed to his mother/father. I love him dearly. HE is never a second choice.

Michelle said...


If you checked my first post you would see that I did link my web site.

My point to you is that there are many adoptees and mothers who are angry with the system of adoption; they feel betrayed, they are trying to come to terms with their grief and to learn how to cope with the loss of a child, and adoptees the loss of parents, family, and idenity and so on. They have every right to dislike adoption as it is still celebrated and used as a means of creating a family. It's like reliving the trauma over an over.

You seem to spend an unusual amount of time complaining about these people and are constantly judging them. So, you are putting your views out there and people are responding. Why is it so important to you that people don't hate adoption? Why do you care?

And, just because adoptees and mothers aren't blogging about adoption, doesn't mean they aren't suffering. I do not have a statistic proving who feels what and at what stage in their life and the degree of pain they are in, if any pain at all. Many adoptees I know don't know how to express their adoptee angst or pain. The last thing they'd be doing (right now) is writing about it for others to read. So, the fact that there's 6 million of us and only a handful, as you say, are writing about it means absolutely nothing. BTW....there are many big organizations and lists on the web with adoptees, mothers and fathers sharing their pain....maybe you haven't found them yet.

I got the internet in 1999, and I must say that since then the amount of those imapcted by adoption (speaking out against adoption and adoption laws/practices)has increased dramatically...which tells me that it will only get bigger as time goes on.

petunia said...

Michelle, you ask me why I care? Because there are hundreds of potential adopted mothers who are checking out blogs to see how adoptees feel. I want them to know that there are happy adoptees - more happy than not. It's fine that poeple tell about their bad adoptions and about the bad agencies. It's good to know what not to do....but let's be honest...the percentages of bad experiences are very high on the blogs.
I am going to repeat myself here but just because people look and there are organizations for reunion - DOES NOT mean people are upset by their adoptions or that they have been pschologically damaged in any way. This is curiousity - as an adoptee myself, I know what that is myself. I am also not saying you are wrong in the way you believe or that there are NO bad adoptions.
I just REALLY DISSAPROVE of people using their own experiences to PROVE that everyone feels the same way they do.
You can keep saying that that 6 million number doesn't matter but it does. There could be 10,000 people that have had bad experiences and (as bad as it sounds) that is a drop in the bucket. It's 10,000 too many, granted, but not that many in the sceme of things. Should those 10,000 be mad? YES
What about the 20 million who have had terrible bioparents? and 1/2 the country's kids who are victims of parents divorcing? 1/2 of those kids are messed up too....we have a country of messed up kids but thank goodness there are some good one's out there and the percentages of a potential biomom finding a GOOD family for their child are very high!

petunia said...

oh Michelle, I don't see your link....

Michelle said...


It seems we are on opposite sides of the universe.

I think I need to clarify that many of the blogs you read are not necessarily about "bad adoptions", rather adoption as a system that separates children from their mothers and people being a bad practice. Many adoptees I know are against adoption because adoption itself was a bad experience, not becuause they were treated badly.

Adoption as a system that takes away an identity, seals it and fabricates it into a new one so others can create a family is abuse.

Of course there are many people who did have horrendous abusive adopters and/or adoptive family members...and this abuse could have been physical, mental, sexual or emotional or all of these. Remember, though, that this abuse was in addition to the abusive practice of adoption laws and expectations.

I did not have an abuse adoptive family...there was dysfuntion, but there are problems and dysfuntion in just about every family I know! When I reunited with my family, my adoptive family welcomed them into their lives.

What I'm saying is that I should not have been permanently separated from my mother, father and people. My name should have never been changed and I should not have had to "search" for my family, nor should there have been a law preventing me from knowing my mother, father and siblings. This is what many moms, dads and adoptees are speaking out about - the effects of family separation and inhumane laws.

The organizations that I talk about are of people who were deeply impacted by the system of adoption. There are support networks for adoptees, mothers and fathers who are searching, have reunited and are trying to understand how adoption has affected their life.

My links

petunia said...

What is your thing about stealing identity? I have no "identity" except blood, DNA, and nationality...maybe a few traits from my bios...but what's to steal? I have my family...my adopted family. They are my identity. I have their name....my only name.
You are HUNG UP on all of this. I guess everybody needs to have something they are fighting for and believe in.