Sunday, March 25, 2007

I will get Blasted but someone HAS to say it!

I've been reading a few blogs by mothers who voluntarily signed to have someone else raise the child they bore. They were talked to, warned, asked, shown the alternatives and they still did it. It is tragic for them, horrible, heartwrenching....I do see that. But, the signature was NOT forced. It was legal, a hundred times they could have said NO....I changed my mind. But now, they are on a crusade.

I, as an adopted mom (but also an adoptee) am offended that now WE are the bad guys because we were there to say....okay, WE will raise this child with all the love that we have. WE will give this child the parents they are being denied. I did NOT pay the biomom of my child, I did NOT force her baby out of her arms. She willingly and knowingly picked us and CHOSE US to raise the child she gave birth to, the child she loved in the womb, the child she loved SO much that she walked into an adoption office (with the father of the child) and said - "We want to put this child up for adoption and we want to pick who she goes to".

YES, the legality of it all sucks, YES the adoption agency gets too much money. They have an office and people working there and bills to pay and legal staff, councilors and social workers to pay....but I STILL think it's too much money. Does THAT have to change? Probably.

But, HOW DARE the bithmothers, biomoms, firstmothers (or whatever is PC at the moment) accuse US - the adopted parents of ANYTHING wrong. We have done nothing but love these children that you claim were "ripped from your arms". You were not concentration camp victims, prisoners or invalids. You may have made a mistake but there is no blame HERE.

Blame the system, blame the lawyers, blame our country, blame society.....but stop blaming us.

For those who say we should abolish Adoption because some people have had really bad experiences- it's like saying we should get rid of prisons because there have been people abused in them and wrongly sentenced or get rid of the military because some of the soldiers have abused their power. Get rid of adoption all together???? that's not going to happen. If people put as much effort into stopping crime, abortion, murders and disease......as they do trying to stop people from adopting.... we would have a better world.

I am an adoptee and an adopted mom and I am proud!!! I am happy and I am proud to be a part of the adoption process!!

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

I got blasted on my blog recently (and I didn't say anything) and the commenter brought up all the points that you bring up as reasons adoption should not exist. It was sort of strange, the commenter thought adoption should not exist (hello, it dates back to the bible), and that there should be guardians...isn't that foster care?
T.

Anonymous said...

i was not warned or shown the alternatives. i was lied to by both the agency and the parents who had to lie to get my son. you are the biggest full of shit freak bitch. barren at that. i read that comment that someone left you, and i agreed then, and i agree now. you are pretty much all that is wrong with adoption. how scary and sad that you are raising a child that is not yours!!

Anonymous said...

Petunia, Wow, the above comment is exactly why I wanted to wait to post. I lost a child to adoption. I absolutely did NOT just walk in to the agency and say that I want to give my child away. My father insisted I give my child away. I was not informed of my rights, I was not offered legal representation. No one told me to get everything in writing. All anyone told me is that it was in his best interest to be placed for adoption. I did love my son then, and I still do now. Honestly, Petunia they do tell you over and over and over, this is what women do when they love their children. You must love him enough to give him away. You truly just do not get it at all. You are missing it completely. Your daughter will pick up on this. You make it sound like the mother who gave her life, just could NOT wait to give her away.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, no one lied to you and you made your own decision. And Petunia IS raising a child who is hers. That is what adoption is about. YOU give them away and then responsible people adopt them and become the parents who take care of them. Better to be "barren" than to be someone who has to watch someone else raise the child she bore.

Joy said...

Wow.


Wowie

Wow.

Don't you P. ever think it is kind of wrong that you have to keep your reunion a secret from your aparents or they will "die"

"It will kill them?"

Because it seems if they were really concerned about you, and loved you unconditionally then it wouldn't be an issue, they would want you to have whatever you wanted to make you feel complete.

So yeah I think a lot of aparents do wrong things.

Just because you adopt doesn't mean you walk on water

Isn't it weird how people who are always telling you how nice and happy they are are reallly angry and mean spirited?

It's like that old saying , Never trust someone who has to tell you they are honest.

Anonymous said...

unbelieveable, yes, i WAS lied to!!!!!!!!! that is reality. and my father is the one who made the decision. thank you. anon, you have no clue. none whatsoever.

Anonymous said...

furthermore, i do happen to be responsible. thanks. and actually i think more responsible than my sons fake parents.

Anonymous said...

joy, i just have to say that i love reading what you have to say. you just GET IT. petunia does indeed spout all the time how happy she is that her real mom gave her away, all the while being mean spirited and sounding so angry. and still petunia has NO clue how her real mom feels or felt and how protective of her aparents she has to be. she must feel like she is walking on egg shells and about to crack at any minute. all the while dragging her adaughter into it. so sad.

Joy said...

P.S.

If you are so proud Petunia, why don't you publish your real name and your picture?

Is it because you feel YOU HAVE TO HIDE?

And how can that be proud?

petunia said...

You all make me laugh - read into it whatever you want...My biomom is good...my friends who have had children adopted are fine....
I'm NOT taking away what you all went through. The people that are forced - that is wrong but blame your fathers...that's what I'm saying -- it is NOT the adopted parents faults.
Throwing names around just makes me think what I think of you. You are bitter and I feel sorry for you.

Anonymous said...

I don't see anywhere that she's advocating for unethical adoptions. The problem lies in that it's easy to blame the adoptive parents because they are the ones who end up with the baby to love. Be angry at the right people. Calling someone barren says a lot about you, I'm sure people have called you names over the course of this journey too haven't they...doesn't feel good. This isn't a war. Adoption happens...every day, sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad. Bio moms raise their kids every day and there too...sometimes it's good and sometimes it's BAD. So sorry for any lies you birthmothers were fed in your vulnerable state, that's why I'm so glad my agency is ethical and explores parenting before the word adoption enters the picture. But I also know that with BIG decisions come BIG consequences, regret, pain and hurt. How could anyone make a decision without knowing the alternatives, asking for them. If you want something bad enough you push for it, so if parenting is what you wanted to do so badly you'd have found a way. This isn't a perfect world and adoption won't be abolished all together.

Anonymous said...

for all the people name calling -- shame on you----that's what you hated from other people! Thank you Petunia for saying what many of us are afraid to say because of these mean awful people out there. Anger and bitterness can really damage a soul!

AnotherAmy said...

Im not sure where you are reading about adoptive parents being blamed. I've seen a lot of angry individuals but, nothing blaming adoptive parents as a whole. In fact in general the adoptive parent is treated as a saint. Unless you mean me.
I do blame the adoptive parents because they are the ones who did a really crappy job of being parents. I dont blame my friends D and Ds parents, they were good parents. I do blame S's parents because they were awful. I dont blame Js parents, they were wonderful.
While there are certainly terrible parents no matter where you look, we set a higher standard for adoptive parents. In addition to being generally good people who love our childrent unconditionally, we expect them to understand that adopted children have different needs, we expect them to unselfishly meet those needs. We expect them to know and accept that their child is adopted and may have different traits than a child they gave birth to. We expect them to understand that their child may or may not have a need to meet or know more about their biological families. To sum it up: we expect them to be better parents than we would have been. When it turns out they were worse, yes we blame them with very good reason. Bio kids are luck of the draw, adopted are not. If adoptive parents cant be good parents to our children they should get a dog.

Anonymous said...

You want adopted parents to be better than you? You blame them when they are not up to "your standards"? How dare you sign over a child and then have the audacity to decide whether we are good enough? Maybe you shoudl have had a dog instead of having a baby.....

AnotherAmy said...

Isnt signing our infant over to someone that we expect to be good parents, live up to our standards and better parents than we could have been the general plan with adoption?

petunia said...

anotheramy,
I SO agree...I strive to be the best parent I can be...as all parents should - adopted or bio. I think sometimes people can only be so good and their standard of good is just not good enough.

ani said...

OMG I read this at first and was a bit taken back.

I felt sorry for you,

I still do ,

I am sorry that you like living in a lie.

Living with the truth is so much easier.

I thought my mom was being rough by not wanting to talk about my bfamily, but at least she gave me her blessing in finding them..

I am so lucky in that, I would hate to live life with such a huge lie in my life. It is like slapping my aparents in the face by not being honest about who I am.

Personally I could not live with myself and such a lie.

but I am not a liar,

ani

ani said...

OMG I read this at first and was a bit taken back.

I felt sorry for you,

I still do ,

I am sorry that you like living in a lie.

Living with the truth is so much easier.

I thought my mom was being rough by not wanting to talk about my bfamily, but at least she gave me her blessing in finding them..

I am so lucky in that, I would hate to live life with such a huge lie in my life. It is like slapping my aparents in the face by not being honest about who I am.

Personally I could not live with myself and such a lie.

but I am not a liar,

ani

petunia said...

Ani,

Maybe it's jealousy that drives you. I'm sorry I'm a happy adoptee and you are not but that is not my fault and not the fault of other adoptees, biomoms or adopted parents. Again, you can blame your own biofamily, adopted parents, agency or environment you grew up in but you cannot blame anyone else.
Just because you don't talk about things doesn't make anyone a liar. Do you talk about your addictions with people you work with?
Maybe you should get addicted to therapy instead of calling names.
Harshness calls for a little reality check.
I do applaud you for identifying yourself and your blog address...

ani said...

Like I said I am not a liar,

I still feel sorry for you though,

whether you like it or not, nice try with the addictions thing. I don't hurt easy. Again I am pretty honest, and maybe a little sarcastic about my downfalls.

I hope one day you can be honest with the people in your life,,

good luck, and best wishes
ani

petunia said...

poor ani, I'm not trying to hurt you, you are quite touchy. I'm pointing out that people in glass houses....

Why should I tell anyone about my bios? They really aren't a part of my life.

Anonymous said...

From Your Blog: Dec 2005
"For instance, what if the baby is ugly?....I know I will still love the child but I want a cute little baby who grows up to be good looking. Is that so much to ask? I want a smart, goodlooking, talented child. I guess everyone does. God has the child picked out for us I'm sure but I hope God doesn't take into consideration that i am good with children who are mentally challenged, have autism, have a deformity or are different somehow. I love kids like that - i will give them all my attention and try to make them feel great. My heart goes out to them. But i don't want to have a life-time of that.....it too hard, too emotional. I want a normal child who i can be so proud of. These are all things people think - they just don't say it. Does it make me a bad person? If i had a child with these problems i would face my future and do the very best i could to give them a great future but i PRAY God takes pity on me. He knows my heart, He knows my weaknesses, He also knows my selfishness."
or
"First of all - what is up with the Bosnians???? We go to their store and use money to buy food but they treat us like crap!! then tell me there are no more chickens when i can clearly see there are five in the roaster.....tell me you are too busy "dyed blond chick with the bad teeth and little english". Come on, you'll take our Govt. money for living here but you won't treat us nice and welcome us---what did we do to you??

Secondly, are all plumbers fat and ugly with butt crack as a fashion statement?? Please, you see crap all day - why do you want to look like it all the time? Discusting. You make enough money - do you spend it all on your crack hos or trailer hitches?? Monster truck rallys or casinos maybe - i don't know----shoot, if i made that kind of money i'd at least buy a good set of teeth!!!"

Your words.

Talk about glass houses.

You make me laugh. :)

jessie said...

I think some of you are missing the point of the blog. You are hurt and angry and are venting your frustrations as comments on someone else's blog. Why don't you bring this up with your parents that forced you to give up your children for adoption, or, start an agency that can better serve those children who give up their babies for adoption? I think you could re-direct your energy and anger in a better way rather than hijacking someone's comments and personally attacking Petunia.

petunia said...

Anonymous.....
wow, you really read me! I'm so proud! Have you had your own children? You can't tell me those thoughts did not cross your mind. You would be a liar (as well as the other things you are). These are things that did go through my head as I was scared and nerveous in my wait to adopt. I now know I would love this little peanut no matter what. Just as you give birth to a child and love that baby no matter what.
You can try to "hit below the belt" but it does not affect me. I know what I wrote....I'm just flattered that you read it all. Maybe some of the Christianity wore off on you too....
If you quote me, could try quoting some of things that I said that you don't take out of context?

:)

petunia said...

Anony - I don't think I EVER wrote this......
"Secondly, are all plumbers fat and ugly with butt crack as a fashion statement?? Please, you see crap all day - why do you want to look like it all the time? Discusting. You make enough money - do you spend it all on your crack hos or trailer hitches?? Monster truck rallys or casinos maybe - i don't know----shoot, if i made that kind of money i'd at least buy a good set of teeth!!!"

Maybe that's someone else's quote..

Anonymous said...

Someone in cyberspace who knows this 'Petunia' chick in real life told me about this site a while back. "Petunia" has no idea he found it or knows its her. I lost the link but it was easy to find her today.

The person who diredted me here doesn't even know me, but thought I'd be wiling to say to her what he doesn't say in real life.

Guys, you can relax cuz trust me, if you think she's nuts or dishonest, we all get the last laugh and you don't have to waste your words here. The real life deal is much more satisying than anything you can say to her here. Best part. "Petunia" has no clue about it.

petunia said...

whaaaaa???