Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Just a Pop-In

Just peeked at a blog of an adoptee I barely read anymore because she is so venomous. I don't even want anyone to know who she is - I don't want any adopted parents to find her really gives adoptees a bad name. She has had a bad life as an adoptee and she %100 blames adoption. When I did read her blog, she claimed to have great adopted parents and she declared how much she loved them but was SO mad and SO stricken and hurt by adoption. But, if you read back on her past posts you see how her a-parents held adoption over her head all the time. They said things that would have absolutely had a impact on a kid.....I'm sure they were not terrible people, I'm sure they were nice .... but just like many bioparents....they messed with her head. You never want to think the people you love is the reason for our unhappiness.

My husbands father (wonderful man) thought he should not give his son a lot of praise because he didn't want him to get a "big head". Hubby now has a low self esteem and he never thinks things are good enough because his dad pushed him to always do better. He THOUGHT he was being a good parent but it impaired his son psychologically.

Many children have hang-ups and problems because of their parents. It just may be a problem for MAY not be the adoption but the aparents.

Again, I'm talking infant adoptions.


Trace said...

I don't think it's a problem only for adoptees. People can be bad parents whether they adopt or have biological children. Many people in general, adoptees or not, have issues w/their parents.

As it happens, my FIL, never gave my husband praise either. If he came home from school so excited because he got a "B" on a test his father would say "well, there's always room for improvement". Did it affect his self esteem? You bet. Now as an adult and successful professionally and personally he is gaining self confidence, but it has taken 36 years. It is kind of neat to see the positive changes in his self confidence since we got married 7 years ago.

John J. Kaiser said...

I hope this clears up any questions you had about my adoption goals

Perky said...

I completely agree! Bad parenting is bad parenting, no matter whether the kids are bio or adopted or step or foster.

Some people are also just miserable people who are looking to place blame for the way their lives have turned out. Adoption is an easy target for some.

I've said it before and I'll say it again (many times) -- I was adopted. I'm glad I was adopted. I grew up (relatively) normal and have no adoption-related issues. I'm so pro-adoption that I CHOSE to adopt my children. From an early age, I always knew that I would form a family through adoption.

I'm proud to be adopted and to have adopted my children. It's not a "better" way to make a family; it's a perfectly good way to make a family.

Tishslp said...

I agree, too, P. Many people are angst ridden and looking for a post to hang their hat on. Issues with adoptive parents may also, as with bio parents, may also be perfectly valid.

GDS said...

I think the point you are making is generally true. Bad parenting can be magnified by bad adoptive parenting. It's another thing to hold over a kids head as you mention.

I would say though that adoptees still can feel some sense of loss even if they had generally good parents and don't remember having been adopted. To realize that someone was unable or chose not to care for you (or God forbid was co-erced) is an awful thing to learn. Adoptive parents can't always clear away that emotional baggage, but they can provide an environment where their kids can thrive regardless.

petunia said...

GDS - I agree that the idea of someone "not wanting you" may have an affect on adoptees and psychologically....if the adopted parents don't treat this subject correctly.
That's the only grief I think an infant adopted can go through..that's not in direct correlation with the behaviors of the aparents. This again is infant adoption....