I Could Write a BOOK

I could write one about being happy and being brought up in a good home, being adopted and having a great life but no one would care, no one would read it and It would be a waste of time. I have read all the adoption books and they are scary....I'm sure they are true but the market only calls for and asks for the bad stories----more interesting, just like bad stories on the news.

I have ideas for books..... my friend and I decided to write a book of book titles.....we always come up with really good titles for books.....we're good that way. I have a great idea for a kids book and I have an awesome and original idea for a novel that would make an even better movie----a suspense story - ooooooh i get excited about it. I have a name for my main character and most of the particulars but I need someone to write it ....as you can tell, I'm not much of a writer. How do I find someone to do that? Anyone have any suggestions?

Thank GOD

Not only am I adopted by an earthly father (and mother), I'm privledged to be counted as an adopted into the family of GOD. Christians have that in common....and I think that is why there are so many Christians who strongly belive in adoption. Now, there are those who do not like Christians....that;s fine. There are those who dispute the fact that children flourish and do the best in a two parent, heterosexual household---even though studies have proved it time and time again. Can a child grow and flourish when there is a divorce? Of course - but it's a much rougher path. The unfortunate thing is that the divorce rate is over %50 now. What does this mean to the poor children? What is the divorce rate among people who adopt?? Parents who adopt have a lower than adverage divorce rate......

Okay, so read a nice article written by a birthmother.....HERE

I agree not all birthmother are happy and at peace....no one expects them to be. But anyone who is a Christian knows the peace that passes all understanding. No one is jumping for joy about their child being placed with someone else...... but God has a way to heal wounds and people who do not know Him cannot understand it. I was on the "other side" and know the difference. I know the joy that it can bring. Joy does NOT equal happiness. Joy from God is a deep feeling of.....contentment, peace, a knowing.......and much more. It does NOT mean by any sense of the word thta Christians are HAPPY all the time. That just is NOT true.

If you are NOT a Christian I am not saying all this to sway you, convince you, draw you in. I want you to know taht there ARE woman who have placed their children - even those who have not seen those children in 20 years, who are at peace with that decision. It doesn't mean they are happy with the decision they made, it doesn't mean they do not have regrets but they do not dwell on them and let it burn a whole into their soul. And we should NOT belittle them and tell them they must be "fooling themselves" or that they haven't "embraced their sadness" or anything else.....they are at peace and it's okay.........

I AM ME!!!

In October my loving husband got so excited over a homerun ball that he hugged me and dislocated my collarbone. I wish I could say I was delicate but I am not. I think my hubby is just a little to over enthusiastic about sports and a little too strong for his own good. Why do I bring this up? Well, I have been sick since December. I get better and get sick again...it's frustrating to say the least. Everytime I get sick I wonder what in the heck is wrong with me that I cannot stay healthy. On top of all that, I have a tendency to "throw a rib or two out" when I cough really hard. When i do that, it messes up every other muscle around it and I wind up not being able to move my head or arm....it's PAINFULL to say the least! I've been seeing a chiroprator (medically - lol) and he and the other doctor are both body builders....when they pop something back in place - they do it quickly and proficiently---on the first try. Unfortunately though, my Dr. has been "fixing" my rib and then it pops out again. I was starting to wonder. Today he asked another Dr. if he was missing something....I was the rat in the cage - being looked at and observed. I then asked if the collar bone "basball injury" had anythign to do with this...after all, it was swollen all weekend and I was unable to turn my head (GREAT Easter weekend---NOT). Their eyes lit up like little boys seeing a room full of matchbox cars....One started putting me in a vice grip, the other started pulling at me from another direction. If they weren't good Christian boys, I would say they were getting too much of a thrill from this....but WOW did I pop and crack---they put me through the wriger but when they were through with me - I WAS ME AGAIN! I probably could still use some "tweeking" but WOW---anyone says Chiroprators are not for real has NOT been through what I have!

YEAH---I'M ME!!!

I have a Peacemaker Soul

I took a test and this is what it said about me:

You are a Peacemaker Soul:

You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can. War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace. You are a good mediator and a true negotiator. Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy. While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental. You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take. On the flip side, you've got a great sense of humor and wit. You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice.

You can take your own test---HERE....the scary thing is---the description is pretty dead on.

Body Farm

Has anyone ever heard of this place in Knoxville Tennesee? It's a huge plot of ground that they use for research. They leave out bodies in the open to see what effects the environment and insects and wild animals have on them. They can study what heat and exposure does to the flesh so they can solve crimes easier.......but oh my! One of the senior men here want his body donated---but not because it will help anyone, but because it's the cheapest way. All you have to do is arrange transportation of the Body if you don't live within 50 miles of Knoxsville. Kind of sad. I would never want to know that my body was left to rot!
It's been there since the 70's but a woman named Patricia Cornwell wrote a book a few years ago, "Body Farm", and it became very popular. Boy scout leaders were calling to take tours ---ICK. I'm sure it's helpful but.....................eeeewwww. One article talked about studying the bugs cawling in and out of the nostrils and ears.......----GROSS!

**Click HERE for an intersesting article written by Lawrence Osborne from the NY Times (pictures (ick) taken by Sally Mann)

MUCINEX the wonderdrug!

I know even the name sounds gross but I am so used to having a dry cough that hurts and my chest feeling like someone sitting on me. This stuff is AWESOME! I tell you - i want to do a commercial.....i love it!

On another note - I guess my biomom got flowers today instead of yesterday. The place called me this morning and said it hadn't gone out - thanks. They changed the card to "I hope you had a good day yesterday!" She hasn't called me to tell me she got them however. I hope she was happy with them..........

Happy Birthday to ME

Well, it's another year down - still childless. I am 38 today and feel more than my 38 years. I have been sick for 4 days and I am so ready to be better. Especially today----I wanted to go to church and then out to lunch with my friends....but instead my husband let me sleep too long (trying to be thoughtful) and i woke up at 9am - when we usually have to leave. I called him to complain about it and heard the familiar rumbling in my stomach - YIKES! Without even thinking about it I took two more Imodium ---- but that makes 6 pills in a 24 hour period, when the box says don't take more than 4---- On top of that, i was half asleep at 6am and I took 2 sinus pills and used a nose spray.........aside from killing my liver, at least I can breath....right?

.................Happy Birthday Dear Petunia.............

All yesterday i couldn't even leave the house but after 4 Imodium I went to the store and bought the cutest suit. It was on sale from $180 to $70 and it makes me look thin (something that getting more and more difficult). I had to look nice because we were going to a nice restaurant and to see a show.....which was a bummer because i was afraid to eat anything. It was my favorite restaurant and i wound up with the seabass because everything else would have been too rich.......----I am NOT a fish person!.............then the show was just okay (or maybe it was me since i had a temperature)

So, this morning, sitting on the couch in my jammies with my laptop.....I am feeling a little sorry for myself. As much as I hate celebrating another birthday, it's still my birthday and i wanted to do something fun.

I did get to sit here and order a beautiful basket of flowers to be delivered to my biomom today.
At least I did something good today......the card just reads "I hope you have a great day".
She sent me a beautiful card and a check for $50. The front of the card read "Daughter, for yesterday, today and all the tomorrows to come....." the inside read "May you know how very much you're cared about, how very much you're loved"
She wrote a nice message about our "christmas lunch" last month but the card she picked out tells me how much she must feel.....

So here i sit.....my birthday......blowing my nose and waiting for the familiar rumblings in my abdomen------------I HATE being sick!

.......................................Happy birthday to me

Why I am the way I am/

What about my Baby??

I know I have a bad immune system because my mother smoked during her pregnany then my aparents smoked when i was little (my dad until i was a teen). They didn't know any better then....but these kids today doing all these things during a pregnancy - FOR SHAME.

What about meth? Anyone know what that does to an unborn baby? What about alcohol? I know a few drinls won't hurt but fetal alcohol syndrome kicks in a what point? How many drinks would a mother have to ingest? What about pot?
These are all things I will have to find out more about if we are going to adopt - these things come up.......
Anyone have any ifo on this stuff?

Seperation of Church and State my Foot

Okay - I want to confess to my ignorance. It's difficult to admit but I did not know something! (Shewww, I'm glad that's out...)

I went to Catholic school, I had a pretty good education and have a fairly high IQ but when you are not taught something, you shouldn't be ashamed you don't know it, right? For some reason I missed out on a few things in school. For example: I only learned the first half (alphabetically) of the state capitals. Don't ask me the capital of Nebraska or Washington or anything past M really. The teacher got cancer and had to leave during the middle of the year. I didn't learn about the constitution either, the teacher left for personal reasons and we had a substitute for the rest of the year - she barely went over government.....maybe it was a little boring at the time too, don't quote me on the whole thing?? Anyway, the only thing I knew about the constitution was what I've picked up over the years....like all this "Seperation of Church and State". But this is NOT mentioned in the constitution, nowhere, zip, notta, zilch . In fact, it has been taken out of context all together!

That term/phrase was used in a letter from Thomas Jefferson to a babtist (this is the spelling) minister/preacher who was concerned of a "state issued/run church". He stated in his letter that there would be a "seperation of church and state" - only meaning there would not be another "church of England."

And......... On Feb 28, 1892 the Supreme Court of the US ruled the United States to be a "Christian Nation."

Finally, the US was designed as a union of "Independent States" which means if you don't like the law where you live- MOVE!!!!!! (I know a bunch of people that should be moving to France or Amsterdam---check out their laws---they would fit in just fine and the US would be better off!)

Massachusets.....what is wrong with you???

This "progressive", idiotic state has told Catholic Charities it may not help children find homes, unless it agrees to do gay adoptions. What a load of Crap!!

Go to this interesting article about it all. There are links to contact your Senator regarding this new law. This would prohibit ANY adoption agency from placing children if they will not place with gay couples---I encourage all of you to contact your Senators and tell them this is bogus!! I don't care what side of the fence you are on this issue---no one should be able to walk into a Christian Agency and tell them they have to adopt out to anyone!! We would never walk into a natoriously GAY agency and put restrictions on them....the girls that go to the agency they choose specifically want a child to go to a particular sort of person or couple. This is about rights of these mothers just as much as it is about the agency. There are girls that want their child to only go to a Christian couple....what is wrong with that??? There are plenty of other girls who don't mind adopting their child to a gay person or persons----even though I don't agree that's a good thing - let them, it's their child to place! EWWW I'm glad I don't live in Massachusetts.... the founding fathers are spinning in their graves!

Princess Petunia

I used to Love my Birthday. I told people weeks before that my birthday was coming up because I wanted everyone to know. My parents always treated me even more special on my birthday....I was #1 and could pick what I wanted to do, wear and eat. My mom made cupcakes for my whole class.....Even now my mom and dad take me out (usually on the day of) wherever I choose to go. Then, when we have a birthday party, on the Sunday before or after, my mom asks what i would like to eat---including dessert. We have the ME MEAL....My brother has even made me Creme Brule for my dessert, instead of cake, when i asked for it.

But the last few years my birthday has hit me hard. I'm not getting any younger. I'll be celebrating my 9th anniversary of my 29th birthday this year and it's a little disheartening. I was okay with not having children by thirty but forty would send me over the edge i think.

I signed up for a make-over contest and I had to send an essay about why we needed a makeover - this is what i sent:

Why We Need a Change

My husband and I have been married for fifteen years. We are the best of friends and have filled our lives with family, friends, trips and church activities. What most people don’t know about us is that we have been through over twelve years of infertility. While most of our friends were seeing the OB/GYN, we were seeing fertility specialists. While they were having children we were having treatments. While they were talking about their toddlers we were talking about our next trip or our jobs, trying to avoid the subject. They all made innocent comments about us not being tied down with children but it hurt; we wanted a house-full. But now we are adopting. We have completed our picture profile and all the paperwork and now we are just waiting to be chosen. We both need a break and a change to our lives before this much anticipated lifestyle transition that will come with a new baby. I am 38 and my husband is 42, making us older parents. We know we will be the best parents we can be but are a little anxious about being “hip” and young. I know there are many people out there who are in the same situation we are and I hope we can bring encouragement to them by showing there are people out there who are building families through adoption who are older and look and feel great. Please consider helping us!

I hope we win but I know we won't. We're not good for a magazine about families. They want to make-over the kids and show their bright shiney faces. Not a hopeless, pathetic, aging couple waiting for a child to come into their lives. Who cares right?

These psychics make me MAD

Yesterday there was an 89 year old woman in the lobby scared, trembling and in tears. The receprionist told me (while i was on the phone) that she needed me to come out and "you know a psychic named Skye". "Okay", i thought " this is going to be interesting".

This woman was holding some duct tape and a piece of folded up paper. She said that Maria (Maria Duvall) was after her and her "only friend was Sky"(Skye Alexander). The receptionist kept insisting that I knew Skye and she wanted this woman to tell us everything (it was getting weirder by the minute). This woman (I'll call her Betty) had duct taped this paper to her chest so " no one would steal it". Betty claimed that Maria had broken into her house and taken all her money---she was the bad psychic. She was afraid for her children and believed Maria would hurt them if she told anyone what was happening. But she said she couldn't keep this all to herself anymore. In talking to her she had mentioned her leg....we asked, "do you have something taped on your leg?" She did and ripped that off. More papers - most were addresses of these two psychics. Skye was the nice psychic and was her "friend". She had more papers she was finding tucked into her waist band.....I asked if she had any more - when she lifter her shirt a little i noticed more duct tape and ask her for what was taped to her stomach. This was SO weird! I tried to remain calm and understanding but It was almost comical. If she wasn't so upset and taking this so seriously it would have been some joke. She claimed that Skye promised her a magic stone that would protect her from Maria and all other bad people but she hadn't gotten it yet - or did Maria steal that too??? This stone was supposedly pictured in the paper that was taped to her chest - The paper claimed that it was made of some special silver and had elfin enchantments on it. The whole paper is cooky and is in New Age gibberish.
As i kept her distracted the receptionist was calling "Skye" (she was really calling the woman's son and i was wishing she would stop lying about knowing Skye).
Her son came to get her and i had convinced her that she should tell a doctor all she told us....

today I found out she sat in the ER waiting room fom 1pm to 10pm waiting to be seen then they found she had a UTI----isn't that funny how that can affect a person like that?

The WAR

Most people in the US and Europe only have a persective of a war they see on TV.....the US and European media portraying the thing as they like. We must remember that they are libral and want you to feel the way they do----so you will never know 1/2 of what's going on.

My friend (I'll call him Ali) is Iraqi and now in Iraq as an interpretor for the military. He gets paid an ungodly amount of money but works 12 hours a day for 7 days a week. Because we know him and his family and are actually treated as part of their family, we have a little different perspective on the war. We know how the Iraqis think (not the one's you see on TV), we see Arabic television and their perspective on the war.

***There is NO Civil War!! I want to say that first. This is not a bunch of Iraqis blowing up other Iraqis. These are people from Syria, Jordon and other muslim countries who want to get in there and blow stuff (and people) up. They don't care if people are American, Iraqi, Canadian....whatever. They are Muslim and think they are doing something for their religion. These are VERY uneducated people (30 years of Saddam's brainwashing). Cruelty was their teacher when these people were growing up. They were taught by people beating them or a family member, perhaps even killing a family member in front of you to teach you submission.

The insurgency is along the same lines as a bunch of White Supremist Idiots, from all over the US, going from Florida to Maine just to blow up a group of people that happen to be black. They have an agenda and however stupid, they go through with it. These people come over the border into Iraq for one reason.

Okay - Iraq IS better off. The people are better off. The country is better off. It's difficult to turn 30 years of oppression into a solid, stable democracy over night. These people don't understand democracy but they want it....they will just have to learn slowly - it will take some time.

WMDs - I have military friends who saw them - rooms full. My Iraqi friends saw them - one had his whole family and village destroyed by chemical weapons. He was gone from the village and returned to EVERYONE dead - men, women and children in the streets, in their homes and all dead. He video taped it - I saw that video - it's so horrific and NOT something the US wants anyone to see. Saddam ordered that village to be destroyed. The military knows the WMDs existed and still exist but when you know for sure they existed - someone then wants to know - "Where are they now?". They have been smuggled to Syria, Jordan and other places.

Why haven't we found Osama BinLaden? We never lost him. They know exactly where he is. But if you cut the top brass off - you stop communication getting picked up with all the operatives. He doesn't do the dirty work....catch the guys first under him.....then get him. Why didn't Clinton stop him??!! He was handed to him on a silver platter back in the 1990s and because he was in the middle of a golf game - he didn't want to be bothered and Osama was let go.....free to lie in wait until everything was in place for the twin towers to be "torched".

The Bath party are all soonies and they are like the MOB. NO ONE that is in ever leaves - even if they want to. They are ALL bad (so say the Iraqis). Iraq will never be %100 a great democratic nation with the Bath party around. Soonies and Shiite and Kurd can all get along....they have for a long time. But since Saddam was Soonie, they had it better and he was also Bath party--so they had it really good.

All of this is just to say - don't talk bad about the war if you dont know about it....if you haven't been in the military or lived life in Iraq under Saddam's oppression.

Also - under Clinton the military lived in condemned housing---they were treated very poorly and cut back so severly, it's a wonder we weren't attacked on a larger scale then. But don't mistake yourself - we WERE attcked in those days - we just ddn't fight back and deffend ourselves.

Most of the military hated Clinton. They are NOT crazy about being at war - who is? but they support their fellow military and support their president.....Bush has been good to the military and treated them with the respect they deserve.

I am disheartened and sickened by the Westboro Baptist Church (www.Godhatesfags.com) that are protesting at military funerals - SHAME ON THEM!! I do NOT consider them Christians but a weird cult made up of hate mongers. I don't care HOW you feel about the war - you DON'T protest a funeral of a military person (or anyone else) - SHAME, SHAME!

A Surreal Life

When you live 15 years with a husband you get used to eachother. As one friend wrote in a poem "we are familiar with eachother's creases"(or something very close to that). You know the smell of their pillow (good or bad) and all thier little habits (good and bad). Only those without children for so long can understand just HOW MUCH you do feel like this because when you have a child/children to take care of - you are more aware of all their little things (so I can only imagine), all of their smells and habits and idiosyncrasies. Even though you still know your spouse VERY well....there are distractions. There is a sharing you get used to with children. Your time is not your own and you get used to that while your marriage relationship is still fairly new.

I am afraid that I am too selfish. That I won't be able to adjust to a child. I think that is my biggest fear.

When we got a dog (something I really wanted) after a year of marriage, I panicked and wondered "what did I do?". I wanted to give the dog back - it seemed too hard. I was panicked over a dog.....how the HECK do I think I'm going to do this? Will I be a horrible mother? I know I won't be horrible to a child but will I feel so overwhelmed I'll lose it?? I get overwhelmed about things.....sometimes it doesn't take much. I panic - just a little. That scares me.

I drive home at 5:00pm and now I don't feel a rush to get home. I stop at the grocery store, or wherever, before i drive home ---- I get home sometimes at 6 or 6:30. I CAN'T DO THAT WITH A BABY!!!! I already get nerveous about needing to get home and spend as much time as we can with the baby. What about child-care? How do I know the baby will be watched over, taken care of?? DO WE REALLY KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING???? (okay , a little panic there)

I feel like we could stay childless sometimes because it's easy, comfortable---then the baby urge hits me on the head -- it also scares me to be old and alone (NOT a reason to have a child - i know--it's just one of the many, many feelings...)

It's a surreal life right now - We are in LIMBO - I feel like we have given up on fertility stuff but haven't done a thing about the adoption....DO SOMETHING!!!!! I don't dare call the agency after a little fiasco about me listing too much information (thinking the blog was anonymous). Someone working with the agency saw it and got upset. I hadn't used names but the agency had sent some information about some potential birthmoms that i listed. The first time we were all warned "in general" but i could NOT imagine they were talking about me. So i listed somethng else and really got in trouble. One of the potential birthmoms did crack while pregnant - i didn't know what to think---thought i could get some opinions on the blog.....BAD IDEA......

So now I am in Limbo - no information given out and I don't dare ask.........A SURREAL life!

Keep Busy

That's my philosophy....Keep busy and you can't think about anything. If you are busy enough, time goes by and you don't feel sorry for yourself!

I have charted my temps for years. It's a form of torture for people with Infertility (IF). You can chart your waking temperatures and find the best times of ovulation and then see the temp drop just before the period starts. At least it's a warning. But I still temp - for two reasons - one - i NEVER have given up totally and two- it tells me exactly what day I'll start. But it's still torturous.

I used to keep so busy that when I would lay down at night - I was asleep before my head hit the pillow. Now i tend to lay awake in bed and think. I also used to pray as i layed there until i slept but now, if I lay awake, I think about having a baby around and how different our lives would be. I don't even imagine myself pregnant anymore - just a sweet little baby.....

Keep Busy!!!

Christmas in March

We finally got together with my biomom, her husband and her one daughter for Christmas. It was nice to see them all again - hadn't seen them since the last Christmas. We had lunch then walked around the little cute town where we met. My 1/2 sister is young and cute and just moved into her first apartment (outside of living abroad for school)....she lives in walking distance from this little main street and she said she knew a store we would love--and had thought about us whenever she walked by it----I'd actually been in it before but it was sweet that she had thought about us. We did love it and bought a few things. The lady checking us out asked - "What nationality are you?" I said I was Irish and saw my biomom out of my peripheral vision grinning ear to ear. I got really self-consious---I'm not %100 Irish like my adopted family but I always looked more Irish than any of them. She is some Irish and so is the biodad so it's not un-true but it made me a little uncomfortable. Her grin got even bigger when the lady said " you have the most beautiful, perfect, Irish complexion. You just don't see your coloring anymore.... Perfect curly brown hair, pail skin and bright blue eyes." Oh my how she was proud-you could see it on her face. I was glad the lady said it - it made her feel good.
We yelled Merry Christmas as we left......until next Christmas I guess......

My Body Thought I was Nervous

I was happy to see my 1/2 brother (HB) today and talk with him. I'm used to having lunch with the bio-dad but this was different....this felt like a test. It was The HB's idea...he wanted to see what I was like. I guess my body was nervous - i didn't feel nervous but my stomach was playing havoc on me! Once I got there I felt at ease. There was only a few awkward silences but we laughed and joked and had a really good time. He's cute and smart and funny (like me - lol) . He doesn't live in town so who knows when I'll ever see him again....but I left wondering why I was ever nervous.....

Biodad and 1/2 brother

I got a call from my biodad today and he asked if we could have lunch - his son is in for spring break and wanted to have lunch with me....isn't that sweet? I met him once when he was running out the door but never really got to talk to him before so it should be interesting.

I'm also going to have lunch with my biomom on Saturday. Christmas presents still haven't been given out - should be interesting - My gifts are seasonal so --- i hope they still like them....lol

I'm just two sided

The adoption three sided story is a complicated one.

People who know me know I hate for anyone to hurt....I was always the one in school who took the side of the one who was getting their feelings hurt. I am a sucker for anyone with a sad story and I was taken advantage of because of it. I believe no one is better than the other. Even before I was a Christian I believed that we are all equal and everone should treat others as they would like to be treated. If everyone in the world did that --It would be a better place. Now I'm not saying it's always easy, but I really do hurt when other people hurt.

With that said - I realized I only can speak from experience from two sides of this weird three edged sword of adoption. I am an adoptee and I will be an adopted mom. I think I can be a good adopted mom because I know what it's like to be adopted. I realize I must have had it pretty great after reading all the blogs of adoptees who have had a bad time of it. I hurt for them (there I go again).

I will be an adopted mom because of infertility. A battle of twelve years that I won't go into detail about - it's too painful. But however much I felt sorry for myself throughout the years (which really wasn't that much considering), I never ruled out adoption. I had nothing against it, I knew it was a viable way to build a family and wouldn't think that child any less mine than if I gave birth to him/her. I think it's just the needing a blood relative that held me back. My brother adopted from Russia, my cousin adopted two children from Russia, two more cousins adopted domestically and still i held on. But once I realized I was "supposed to" adopt, there was a peace.

Having a friend who placed a child has helped me more than I ever could have imagined. She knew she had to place the child because of her age and her family. She turned her life over to Christ and placed that child with a Christian couple. Of course she never forgot.....but she lived, got married and had a child and tried to put it behind her. I know you can't do it....it doesn't go away but she put him in God's hands and trusted he was growing up well and happy.
I'm sure there is some pain there but we don't talk about it. She waited until he was 21 and sent a letter to the agency. The agency contacted and he wanted to meet her. They know eachother and i think that's all that matters. She foudn out he's a great guy.......that's all she ever asked for. ****I have made this story very vague for her privacy sake but also because that's all I know. I hurt for her too...

Okay - my only real experience with birthmothers is my own. She told me she remembers every moment of being pregnant. Her mother made her relinquish and wasn't very nice about it. She held me and fed me when i was born - in a time when they were still blindfolding mothers that were giving their child up for adoption. She did want to keep me....but wasn't able. After meeting them and being with them I know it all turned out the way God wanted it to. After she came back from being "at a relatives's house" she met her now husband......she told him about where she had been and the child she gave up and they fell in love. She had a good life. I know she suffered and after 10 years of infertility she had two more children. She told the kids about me when they were teens and waited for me to contact her. She was a nerveous chain smoker but I think a lot of that was psychological. I hurt for her - I think she thought once I contacted her that her family would be complete again, i would be part of the family finally.

I was a happy kid who had great parents who treated me like a princess. I can't imagine giving anyone else the love I have for them. Don't get me wrong, I do like my biological family members. But they are nothing like us and I don't think we would be great friends if there was no blood relation. We are nice to everyone but there really isn't a lot in common we could share.
I hurt for her because she remembers me so well, kicking inside her, giving birth to me, holding me, feeding me. But I don't remember her. She seems like a stranger to me. It hurts her and I can't stand that. She used to gush and tell me she loved me and she'd take anything, any time I could give her. She sent me gifts that I really did like but felt guilty taking them. I knew what she was doing - making up for lost time, wanting me to know how much she cared......It makes me sad that it didn't change how I felt.....it almost turned me off. I was nice - I couldn't be rude. I told her I wasn't much a phone talker (I'm really not) but I think that hurt her feelings. I'm much better with e-mails. I think she finally figured it was a way to keep her at a disdtance and I guess it was.

Okay - I hurt for her. I know she wants more than I can give. Sometimes I give just to make her happy. Then I feel guilty. But at the same time I want to have contact - just knowing she's there is important for some reason. It's the idea of actually knowing someone that's blood related...To be quite honest it's curiosity as well. It seems like someone elses life. I always felt like I belonged right where I am.

After reading all these blogs I feel even worse - I hurt more for her.

Lullaby In Blue

I know that I am no saint

My head is in the clouds

They called you a mistake

But I still I still say your name outloud

They called me stupid girl, just like my mom

To many men have passed through my arms

At seventeen I looked into your eyes

Knew I could never comfort your cries

Every April reminds me of you

The child I never new

My lullabye in blue

It all goes by so fast

How lovely you must be

Why you’ve reached the age at last

That I was when your daddy lived with me

How I wish we could meet somewhere

Talk it through

There is so much I would say to you

There are others, I’m not alone

A younger brother you’ve never known

And a baby girl who so reminds me of you

The child I never knew

My lullabye in blue

As the years go by

Try not to think of the sadly

But even if you can’t

I want to see you so badly

On your birthday

Mommas thinking of you

The child I never knew

My lullabye in blue

My lullabye in blue

My lullabye

Bette Midler - 1998