Monday, February 13, 2006

Some Are Okay With Fully Open, Some Are Not

That goes for the biomoms and the adopted parents.
Some people need a fully open adoption and some do not. People need to find a good "match", not meaning the baby, but themselves - they need to be on the same page as far as how much openness they want/need. Those woman who need a fully open adoption think that everyone should feel the same way they do. They cannot understand that anyone would not want what they want. There are many people out there in good adoptions - open, semi-open and closed. There are all different personalities and everyone wants something different.
Semi open adoption:
"Both families need to be sensative to eachother's positions and establish a relationship grounded in trust. Birthparents need to trust that the adopted family will love this child as their own."

I feel a birthparent needs to be in the background and let the adopted parents- parent. The adopted parents need to be faithful with supplying the birthparents with information and be open to one day sharing as much information as the child desires. I want my child to meet their biological mother, father, siblings etc. But not until their are old enough. I do think there needs to be reform and everyone should have access to their records at 21...... As their parents i want to feel that they are old enough to handle meeting them and all that it entails. I know from experience about the whole meeting process and a person needs to be mature enough to handle all it entails.

So don't be angry and say - EVERYONE should have an open adoption. They should do what's best for them. Yes, there are people who are coerced - that's awful. I would not want an adoption that the mother isn't fully counciled by knowledgable licenced councilors and talked to women who have a succesful adoption that is open, semi-open and closed so they can choose for themselves. That's what my agency does and that's how it should be.......


Cookie said...

"They should do what's best for them."

No, you do what is best for the child - not yourself - and most expects agree that open adoptions are better for a child. So, yes, it is that simple.

"Yes, there are people who are coerced - that's awful." You say that so lightly, as though, yes, but....and then just move right on. Frankly, I doubt you even really understand what coercion consists of for a pregnant woman.

Let's see you want a woman to be counseled by someone with a successful adoption, right? So, you want her to know the happy, good side? That's about all most women do get now. What about telling her about successful parenting? What about giving her resources for parenting? How about sharing with her how adversely adoption affects many adoptees and birth parents? The good AND the bad are reality. Telling a woman about one perfect option (adoption) is not offering her a choice. Offering only one option is coercive by itself.

If I sound in a pissy mood tonight, I am! Dismiss me if you want; I have a wonderful speech by a renowned Catholic priest that says it much better than I if you'd like. I'd be happy to send you the link. It's in my latest post too.

If your agency has an Internet presence, I'd love to have the link. Your agency and most present all the possibilities an adoptive parent might want - not what is best for the child - not what is best for birth parents.

petunia said...

"They should do what's best for them" was written poorly - I eant "the biomom should do what's best for the child". I am trying to say that everyone needs something different. There are successful open adoptions and also successful semi-open. I really don't think there should be closed adoptions in the US - but if that's what both parties want.....

I DID NOT need to know my birthfamily until later in life. I would not have wanted to know them when i was a child----how confusing! I guess for a biomom it would be nice to have the best of both worlds-they are not able to parent but they can still be around in the family?--- when a woman decides to let someone else parent - they should let them. I know a few mothers who relinquished their children - they did not meet them until after they were 18. They did not want to and it worked out best for them and the child.

I'm not saying you are wrong feeling the way you do....i wish you could have found an adopted mom who wanted an open adoption...that would have worked out great for you and them.

Oh - when i talked about people being "coerced"---how did you want me to write that to show the severity of it? If you would see my face when i "say" it, then you would know i don't take that "lightly". I am not a writer-- I am an actress, singer and artist. I express myself better in person - darn these blogs.....

Renee & Paul said...

I know this is an old post but I'm just reading back through these bc I just found your blog and I swear your words are my own. I just showed some of your entries to my dh and he was like WOW, that's all you've been saying. Thank you Thank you. I have not searched for my bio family and harsh as it may sound I have no desire or need to. This is my life, this is my family. God bless the woman that gave me a chance and I love her for that but she's not all of me. And her heart must ache or maybe it doesn't, I don't know. Nature, nurture whatever...I am me and no percentage of me will be given to one or another and I whole heartedly agree semi-open is the way to go even if many feel it's open. 20-30 years ago these people would be blasting someone wanting an open adoption bc closed was the way to go. I know I wouldn't have wanted an open adoption for me. I want semi so my child can decide when they want to meet her, when they are old enough to have their own voice. I want the child to know all I can tell them about their roots and adoption, I'll show them pics and make sure they feel comfortable talking about it and coming to me. There's just so much adoptive parent guilt in the world, there's no place for that. I could go on and on but I won't. Our agency is extremely ethical, we're doing all we can to make this the best we can. Most importantly adoption doesn't define me as an adoptee and I won't let it define my child. After reading negative blog after negative blog I am so thrilled to be reading your's. Thank you, I found this at a time I really needed to. We've only been waiting 1.5 months so I needed to see someone who gets me. And I know we'll find the right birthmother who wants semi and together we will be a good match. To each their own!! Thank you Thank you!