Sunday, February 05, 2006

I was one of those adoptees that didn't really know she was adopted.

There are four types of telling/not telling for adopted parents-
1. the parents who never told their children they were adopted - big secret
2. The parents who told their child once when they were smaller - or even talked about it when they were little but stopped by 2 or 3.
3. The parents who talk about it only when nessecary
4. Those who talk about it all the time

My parents were the number 2s - I guess. There was a time when i thought they never told me and i found out on my own. That didn't bother me a bit....they love me and didn't want me hurt (1960s). But since we started this whole adoption thing they have mentioned it a few times. It always shocks me and i try to change the subject. I NEVER want them to think I don't love them and appreciate them....they are my mom and pop - always.
I have found my bios but they are mere aquaintances, nice people who gave me my start.

I know there are a bunch of birthmothers out there cringing as they read. I am sorry that you had to go through what you did - i'm sure from your side it's horrible and you think about it every day. But from my side ----i don't know her, i don't remember her. My mom held me, my dad played with me, they both scolded me and taught me everything i know. I only have the genes of my first mother and maybe the same facial structure.....that's all. We are nothing alike, we don't even look the same.

I can't imagine it from a bithmothers point of view and they can't imagine it from mine.

Not really knowing I was adopted was not a horrible thing for me and the people you read about in books and on blogs are the people who have problems with it, who have had a bad time with it all and many are bitter. The only reason i write is because we are now adopting and i want to remember all my feelings about it. I find so many upset, mad, bitter, people on blogs who cannot live their lives the way they should because of their circumbstances. Choices that were made - or made for them. Life is only a breath and they are wasting it on all this abd emotions. I'm not trying to say "just get on with your lives and forget" just "get on with your lives and live".

Most do not understand never being able to concieve, going (in our case) for 12 years of once a month heartbreak---like losing a child once a month----how would you like that?

I lost many children---i really lost count. One day i will see them all in heaven....but do i weep? Do I cast judgement on others? No---i trust in the God that made me, i trust in His plan for my life and I trust that one day I will hold a baby in my arms that i WILL claim as my own because i will be the one that feeds and shelters and loves and cherishes that child.

I am my parents child and no one else can claim me.


kime said...

As a 'birthmother', over 20 years ago, I still feel I did the right thing. Mine was a closed adoption and that is the way I wanted it. I wanted my child to be raised in a family with a mother and father. I think it would be more confusing to have an extra mother. It had to be an act of faith for me. I have no regrets, and my son has no bitterness. It wasn't perfect, but there is no 'perfect' solution to a 17 year old giving birth.

Deborah ~ said...

Hi, Petunia...

Thank you for your comment.

Regarding my book list - I have read some of the books on my list and I own quite a few, though many are still untouched years after I acquired them. I assure you, though - not all are negative by any means!

However - that said - the most important book I've read thus far, and the one I feel that every member of the triad absolutely must read, is Nancy Verrier's "The Primal Wound". It is not easy to read at all - but it is essential.