I am an adoptee and an adopted mom

I am not a biological mother who has not seen my child for years. So my writing, my thoughts my feelings.....they come from where I have been and where I am. They are as individual as snowflakes. No one has the same experiences and feelings...no one has the same past. I've thought about not ever being adopted....I've wondered if my life would have been different. My biomom and I have talked about it and my biodad and I have also talked a lot about it too. There is a regret that they never knew me but a feeling of relief now that they know how I grew up, that I am happy and healthy and was a nornal happy kid. They would have NOT worked together....they didn't really even like eachother.....thus I would have been a child of divorce. And probably not right away. He would have had to give up college and marry my her. That was a given then. The parents all decided not to even tell him that she was pregnant with his child. They kept that from him and took it to their grave. Neither of them knew the parents even met. That was wrong and deceptive. There wasn't a choice even given....I think that was very wrong. But I don't know what would have happened had it been different.

Someone wrote to me that my adoption situation is not very healthy, because I have a "secret" reunion, but my parents aren't fearful. I don't know how they would react--I guess they might be hurt I didn't tell them. I don't want them to think I don't love them %100 because I do. Why should they know that I have met them? What a weird situation. Why should they feel at all like I may not have loved my life with them. They have never given me any reason to NOT to want to be a part of that family.

My biomom had no choice, you are right there....no one offered to help...times were different. There is nothing for HER to be grateful for, that's for sure. Maybe I'm grateful to God for letting me get such great parents....When we first met I told her I was thankful she gave me life. In today's world unwanted pregnancies, inconvienient pregnancies, suprises.....they get illiminated all too easy. I have never told her I am grateful she gave me up....that seems like a slap in the face. I can be grateful in my mind (like i said, grateful to God). I AM grateful for my life, I'm grateful for my parents.

And it IS speculating what my life "would have been", I wouldn't know the difference if I was brought up as her daughter. so it doesn't matter. But I know both of them have said they wouldn't have the families they have now had the tables been turned.

I know that many of the mothers won't want to read this ....but even though we have a nice relationship, I don't really think I would be friends with my biomom except for our blood tie. Her personality is not like that of my friends. I am walking on thin ice here...I know some are gritting their teeth.....I know some of it is nurture but we just are too diffrerent....I'm sorry that people have had terrible mothers, I'm sorry that some mothers and adoptees feel cheated. I still don’t wish I had been kept. I'm sorry...I know people will be mad or claim I'm fooling myself. To be a mother who has lost their child to adoption has to be like losing a limb and you want them to reunite with you, fall in love (like you have loved them for years) and never want to be apart. I can only tell you how I feel. I wish we had more in common, I wish we could have a better relationship. Others have met in reunion and instantly clicked. They go on to have wonderful relationships. Others have turned down relationships all together. I'm glad there is a mutual resect and friendship but that's all I have. I pray people get what they want and need from reunion. I know all the mothers that want the great reunion experience will not like me for saying all this.....but I know myself....that's the only person I can know.

Please, no one take this as a put down, an insult, a sermon....like I said....we are all snowflakes, every situation in different, everyone's experience different...no one can know how another person feels.

We're getting a letter

I hestitate to write this....except that this is totally annoymous. My Agency e-mailed and said my sweety's biomom came in to drop off a letter and some pictures. The social worker was softening what I would feel when we read the letter. She wrote she regrets placing the baby but knows it's the best thing for her. I don't think it would have bothered me as much as they think. I don't think she would be normal if she didn't feel regret. What kind of a person would she be? She told the lady that she is having a hard time and it's bittersweet to recieve pictures.

I grieve for her even though she said she knows what she did was right. I look at our peanut and think how I would feel giving her up.....it would kill me. The agency asks that we pray for her and love our doll as much as we can and that's all we can do for her. The agency is trying to provide counciling but she has refused. I hope she gets the help she needs...

Please don't hit me with a bunch of stuff about this....it already hurts too much.

My little peanut has a cough - a juicy one. It got so bad on Friday night she couldn't catch her breath. I hated it....I was actually scared. It's a cough, that's all but I had to go spend $50 at an Urgent Care Stop to find that out.....like I said, I was scared.

On a lighter (and less expensive) note....
We went to a Cracker Barrell (I know, cheesy....but so tasty) and we were being watched by a little girl of about 3. Her mom and dad and sister (about 2 years her senior) were being a little less obvious but everybody was watching my sweety. When my hubby got up to go to the restroom, I had no choice but to acknowledge the beautiful, cureous little girl. The family pretended to ignore that she was at my table by then and chattering away. After a minute or two her mom discouraged "bothering" us but it was no bother. I was asking her about her halloween costume and she told me she was a princess. She also said, practically in the same breath, that she had a birthmark. I pretended I was very impressed and told her that a birthmark is the sign of a princess! She was so thrilled. Her bigger sister finally piped up and said "my dad was homecoming king!". I said to the mother (after we all laughed for a whole minute) that her daddy has left a big impression on that child....she had a daddy that was a king at one time ---that must be amazing in a 5 year old mind!
In the middle of all of it - my husband came back and we packed up to leave. The 3 year old came over and hugged my legs....i bent down with the baby and she hugged each of us.....it made my night!

Some Adoption Laws are good

I'm glad that in my state you have to wait six months to finalize an adoption. The judge and lawyer told us not to worry about it because the biomom and biodad both were in agreement, they were counciled and given options etc. but many who may not have told the biodad, or were coerced in a desperate time can have that six months to ensure no "funny business " went on, everything was done as much in the law as could be. Our date was set for December 20. Her name will be officially changed and she will be officially our daughter. It's like people getting married after living together for years....it's just a piece of paper now, our hearts have been sealed since the day they told us about her.
She started to crawl last night! This baby time is going by so fast, and she'll be a toddler before we know it....i love every second!

I Feel Sorry for the Bio-moms

Some of these ladies are ANGRY!

by Diane Turski

I had never heard the term "birthmother" until I reunited with my son. When the social worker who located me referred to me as his "birthmother," my first reaction was to instinctively recoil in distaste. What is a "birthmother?" It occurred to me that perhaps she had merely applied this ridiculous sounding term in an attempt at political correctness, so I ignored it. However, when my son's adoptive mother initiated her first contact with me she referred to him as my "birthson." What is a "birthson?" And what would a "birthfather" be - I didn't know that fathers gave birth! In a "birthfamily" are there also "birthsisters," "birthbrothers," "birthgrandparents," "birthaunts," "birthuncles," "birthcousins," "birthpets," etc?

She even says "birthmother means breeder"

I am offended by this as an adoptee. Whenever I have used the word "Birthmother" there has been nothing but respect behind it. My "bithmother" is just that....the woman who gave birth to me----that's a big deal. She is not my mother, thats the woman that raised me. But it takes nothing from what this woman did, I don't see her as simply a "breeder" or a nobody.
I do prefer "Biomom" because it explains it's the woman who made me biologically. She gave me my DNA...What I look like and many of my likes and dislikes.... what's so wrong about that??

She is my mother who gave me birth - she IS my BIRTHMOTHER!

Our Iraqi friends

I love my friends from Iraq. I love their food, their culture, their kindness ----i love those kids like they were my own.

Now, why are there so many different views on what the US is doing over in their country? My friend is over there now and his family is here. He is being an interpretor to help the US...he is putting himself in ALOT of danger to help the US get rid of all the trash over there that is ruining their country. When he was here for a month he was so sad that so many Iraqis are so against the US being there. He has seen it from the inside of the military, he knows what they are going through.....no one is grateful. Some say it was better when Sadam was in charge!!! Do they know what war is? War is HELL, war is aweful but maybe it's what is needed for change. My friend is so sad his country is in such termoil and he thinks it will take years for there to be any change. But there WILL BE change. If the US leaves there will be more caos, more bloodshed than anyone can imagine. There will be NO PEACE, for ANYONE left in Iraq.
I pray for his safety and for the safety of all the innocent Iraqis........

Adopted? Whose Adopted?

I know many Biomoms don't like it but I totally forget my baby is adopted and not mine. I don't think about it for a long time and then someone brings it up.....and i think...."oh yea" for a split second it suprises me. I guess it's the same way being adopted myelf----i forget. I tell my parents they are the best mom and dad anyone could have. I don't give it another thought that I'm not biological . They are mom and dad - %100. When I think about what my daughter will look like I imagine a thin dark version of T....then i think - "no, wait her biodad has red hair and has children with blond hair....she must look like her bio mom, but she was short and biodad was tall so maybe she'll be tall like him/us" .....and then I forget again. She looks so much like us....she has my hair color, T's eyes, my dimple and she's left handed like T----so weird.

You know her biomom (and biodad) will always be a part of her (just as mine are a part of me - thier DNA made us have our looks and our tastes) but it's something you just don't think about most of the time. That makes me sad because I know the biomoms are always thinking about them. But.....think about it like this: You would want parents for your baby who don't think about your child as someone else's but love them SO much they forget that they are not their biological child.

I LOVE MY BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adoption babble

I know so many adopted people and so many people who have adopted. But I only know two biomoms who have relinquished a child.

My cousin and I have both found our biomoms....she is very close to hers. She was 14 when she got pregnant and her family sent her away and then she had to "pretend" she was never pregnant after she relinquished. My biomom was 21 and her mother said you "give that baby away or you are on your own". Neither had a choice. None of my other adopted friends (25 to 45) have any desire to find any bios....weird, you'd think they would at least be curious.

My friends who have adopted have foreign or semi-open adoptions. There are a few friends who have adopted multiculturally from foster care --- they are extra precious and sweet. My friend i grew up with had a brother and sister from Korea....I remember, as a child, when they joined my "second family"....it was so cool and felt totally natural,normal, never thought anything about them being different from us.

It's strange how much adoption has touched our lives - what could be the reason? I meet so many people and they don't know anyone who is adopted or has adopted....weird that we know so many.

Gifts

I got a box on my porch the other day and knew by the address that it was from my biomom. She sent the baby a pair of shoes - they are really cute and the invoice was inside - $32! I would never spend that much on shoes the baby will wear a few times. I guess that's why it's a good gift.....i'd never buy them. I feel guilty accepting gifts from her - I feel like it's a bribe and by accepting it I am obligated somehow. I don't think she means it this way but I feel a little guilty.

It all started after I found her. I told her I used a private detective that took $350 and "looked until she found"---it took 2 years. She sent me a check for $350 and wrote a note that it was "the least she could do" after this many years. I used it to buy a mantle clock i gave to her that had a secret compartment in the back. I wrote a poem about time we lose and the time we have lost...i hid it in the secret compartment.(i wish i would have kept a copy, i asked recently and she found it and lost it).
At first she sent me the most awesome gifts on holidays - any holiday, even little one's like Labor Day. I felt bad really, they were guilt gifts but i felt bad saying no. The most meaningful gifts were 1)a little ring that her uncle had given her when she was 12 - this was the uncle that gave her refuge after i was born. 2)two framed art pieces that her mother painted 3)old pictures of her and her mother
these are gifts that cost nothing but hold much meaning......those are the ones i treasure. I HATE the guilt gifts.....i accept them because she feels she must give them---they are more for her.....
I will say, i think the baby gifts are cute but they are more than guilt gifts......they are what she would have wanted to buy me, and that's even harder to accept.

Democrats are just IDIOTS!

I'm sorry, but if the September 11th anniversary doesn't invoke some anger towards terrorism then you are a stupid liberal idiot. I'm not saying to hate all Iraqi's or Muslims or anyone else. I'm saying it should make you MAD, ANGRY, DISCUSTED at the radical element that could think that blowing up almost 3,000 people would do anything for their "cause". They can put it under the guise of Islam but it's just a bunch of crazy lunatics misinterpreting their religion.

I'm not saying I agree in the Islamic principals and beliefs but I know they aren't about blowing people up. That's like saying all Christians want to blow up abortion clinics.

The unfortunate thing here is WE will NOT change their minds. The Iraqis I know want peace, a better life for their families and democracy. But how are we to fight a bunch of "crazy muslims" who will NOT change their minds? Do we blow them all up? Do we let them live blowing other people up? It's a hard decision.............I'm glad I don't have to make it.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GOD don't let it be the democrats that decide ----I think we'll all be sorry at the outcome!

I am ADOPTED and I have ADOPTED

It's weird thinking I am adopted and now i have an adopted daughter. I talk freely about her adoption but I do not mention my own. Most people don't know that I am adopted also and try to tell me all the things she'll feel and want, etc. It cracks me up. When i talk about it they must think I've really done my reading and research.

Being adopted is no different that any other state in life. It's like someone telling me I had my tonsils out when I was 5 ----I don't remember it. It didn't hurt me and it still doesn't hurt me.....

I think my birthparents are nice, it's cool to see old pictures and even to know my 1/2 siblings but it's really not that important. I will maintain contact because it's good to know them and keep up with them but I feel no particular fondness or bond. I know my birthmom does and it kills her I don't feel the same way. My birthfather is cool and feels the same way I do. Both families are very nice.

I'm not afraid of my daughter being around my birthfather's family at all but I do not trust my birthmother to keep her mouth closed to the baby about who she is. I don't want my mom and dad to know that I even know who the birthparents are ----it will get sticky i'm sure. For now they have both seen her and adore her (who wouldn't) but she is clueless as to who they may be.....at least for now.

Bitter Birthmoms and Adoptees

We only have one life to live. We have very little time and so many people are filling up that time with bitterness and regret. It is a choice they make....it is a mission for some.
There is one blog called "I hate adoption".....an adoptee who was placed with aparents who weren't good. There is another written by a birthmother who is still trying to come to terms with her relinquishment. I'm sure they don;t think about it 24/7 but these women (and many others----LOTS MORE) are affected SO much in their lives by what has happened in the past. YES, we are are past and we are changed by circumbstances but there is a choice made. Why do people who were abused as children marry abusers? That is normal to them, eventhough it's horrible, that's how things feel right. These women have had bad experiences but they live in the middle of it still.
I was adopted and I'm an adopted mom now. I want my baby to feel what I did growing up....loved, secure, happy.
I pray that other adoptees and birthmothers can put aside the past, learn from it but not live in it......

9 hours a day without her

I don't think I'll be able to stand it now that i have to go back to work. I don't want anyone else to see her do anything first. I saw when she first grabbed something for herself, when she found her feet, started sucking her thumb, when she started babbling and now that she's found she has a tongue - i was there for the first time she did it! I DON'T want someone to say "she xxxx for the first time today after you dropped her off" I will scream....i want it all.....and not to miss that time. Please God let me win the lottery....i'll use it wisely, i promise.

She lights up my day....everyday

I cannot imagine my life without her. She is smiley and when she smiles with that gummy smile it makes me cry, I love her so much. I hate to talk about her being adopted with everyone we meet that knows us and has heard our news, it's like talking about her having autism or a missing limb...everyone asks stupid questions that they don't think is stupid. If one more person says "she could be yours" I think I'll scream....I usually say, "she IS ours". Why can't they just say "she looks just like you?". I don't care for us but I don't want her to get older and hear this - this is what gives adopted kids a complex. Can people be any more inappropriate? "Do you know her 'real parents'"? (this one enrages me)
Sweetcakes bio-mom is our business and her business - not anyone else's. If she wants to share info about her when she's older it's up to her....I'm not a tell-all. When asked questions like did you meet the birthparents....I just say "yes...they are both very sweet.".

It was good to hear that her bio-mom met with the social worker and picked up our first packet. She is always offered couciling whenever she would need it but when she was asked this time about it she said they didn't think they needed counciling because they met us and feel really good about where she is. That made me feel good...knowing they feel good about it.

I didn't know I had this much love in me!!!!!

Forgetting

My old pastor adopted a bi-racial baby girl. She came out of the foster care system and has been with their family for about 6 years (adopted 4 years ago). They recently went to the doctor because of some minor kidney problems she's having. the doctor asked this whiter that white fifty something year old man if he knew if their was any kidney problems in the family and he started to tell him that he had kidney stones a few years back and was going into detail when he saw the doctor looking at him funny (he knew she was adopted). He laughed, he had honestly forgotten....

I can't forget that a woman has given me the most wonderful thing in my life. But honestly, i totally forget i didn't give birth to this child myself. She is the most spectacular little thing---every day is a blessing!!!

Adoption in Iraq

I was concerned my friends from Iraq would have a difficult time understanding the whole adoption process. I tried to keep it simple and said there was a baby who's mother couldn't raise her on her own but she wanted us to take the baby and make her ours. The girls were very concerned about the mother - it was very sweet. We talked a lot about her and I told them she was a really sweet girl and it wasn't easy for her. The Iraqi mother told me that somtimes a woman can't take care of their baby so she would bring the baby to the mosque and leave them there with a note "please take care of my baby". There are women at the mosque all the time and one would come along and find the baby and they would all decide who would take the child home and raise him/her as their own. No corrupt system, no bribes or waiting years and years....but then again, there is no help for that birthmother, no counciling and no way to make sure the baby is okay (unless they stick around and watch--which they sometimes do).

EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT

It makes me so mad that there are still birthmothers out there that have this rally cry against all adoptions. Just because they have had a bad experience they believe all women who relinquish their children must be coerced and manipulated into doing so. Even though many of these woman have thought about this, given it a lot of thought and found an agency to go to. Most of these agencies do provide counceling and an opportunity to parent if they choose to. Or they go on the internet and find parents for their babies. Yes, there are women who have had good experiences and feel good about where their children were placed. There ARE children who were better off where they went ----I am one of them. We are NOT against all of you, so why are you against all of us??

I HAVE CREATED A MONSTER!!!

I really like my biomom-she's nice. But now i have this baby things are getting weird! She asked "How will this work? will she call me grandma?" YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!
I said "it would be quite confusing to call you grandma, i guess she'll call you by your first name and when she is older she will find out who you really are. " I told her my parents mean the world to me and i would NEVER hurt them and it WOULD hurt them if they knew i knew her. This is going to get sticky i fear!

"Tummy Mommy" is OKAY

The more I think about it, "tummy mommy" should not really be offensive at all. I don't think it takes away from what the biological mother did and actually acknowledges her as the person who cared for the child the first 9 months of their being. What offends me as an adoptee and an adopted mom is people saying "real mom" or "first mom" - when people say that i want to scream!! My "real mom" is the one who raised me. The people who are so against any phrasing are the birthmoms who feel guilt. I feel for them - they had to make a decision and whether that decision came out of coersion, or thoughtful maturity, there is that regret and guilt and "what ifs". It may hurt them to hear certain phrases or words that don't abide by their "rules" of adoption terms but i am offended by many of the terms they use - like "first mom". my bio mom was NEVER my "first mom". She made a decision - not coerced - and there was still some guilt. She does not regret her decision just feels guilty about it.

There will always be those who see adopted moms as "The Enemy" and we have ripped these children from the arms of their rightful mothers. As an adoptee I can't stand that....my parents are awesome and i wouldn't change it for the world. The guilt these women feel have blinded them and some even stew in it until they become so bitter they leave messages of curses and tell us how horrible we are. Even though we are giving a loving home to a child we find to be the most precious person on earth. Isn't that what these women should want?

Still Suprises Me

It still suprises me when women are SO against adoption and adopted parents loving and parenting their child. No child should live with being reminded every single day they are adopted. I had a wonderful childhood and was not bombarded every day with it. They didn't talk about it but i knew. The birthmothers at our agency pick the couple, they meet and they have a say so. The birthmother of my baby is sweet and told the agency recently she feels good about her decision because she met us and saw how we were with her and we all got along so well. She is ubale to parent because of her health and knew somone else would have to raise her child. I couldn't wait to send her a letter, pictures and a copy of all the music we play and sing with....i'll always remember her much more than the baby. I know my bios were like strangers to me.

As I hold my precious baby in my arms, all my emptyiness is gone. We've been waiting for her for a long time. I can't believe i didn't give birth to her myself - she's such a part of me. I guess we all look at this from diffrerent angles and i would never take away what birthmother's must feel by i'm not going to let them down me for loving my baby.....