Pant debt - VENT

Okay, I'm going to be venting in this post - so anyone not wanting to read it - just hit your backspace button and go back to whatever you were doing. I just don't like to leave comments in the anti-adoption blogs, it always looks like bullying - at least what I want to say would be. I've read the same thing on three or four blogs now.

THERE IS NO "I" IN ADOPTION

I could ignore it when the first person wrote it because I know she just has her own philosophies and things she wants to say. But when It starts making it's rounds as some "profound saying", I needed to make my comment about it. I'm sure there are some prosective adopted parents or newly adopted parents who may read it and wonder....."hmmm, no "I" in adoption, that's fantastic - what other words of wisdom can these people impart?", well let me set it straight.

There is an "I" in parenting....but none in parent....so?. There is an "I" in abusive...but none in abuse....so what does that mean? I could say there is no "I" in unhappy adoptee either. It all just is so silly.

There is "OPTION" in adoption....so what does that mean? I could say, it's a sign. I could say - SEE....it IS an option. But I'm not going to make something out of nothing.

Another word there's no "I" in: Therapy

There's a "Me" in treatment....haha. Maybe that means we should all have some?

My point is....don't let anyone tell you that adoption is not a way to make a family. And don't let anyone make you believe it doesn't work. Work through an ethical agency with good credentials and who offers counseling.

Remember, when you re-arrange "adopted parent" you get

"adore pant dept"

Infant Memory

A comment was left by "Julie" that there weren't references on the last study- so here is some more infant memory information .......

This article gives references about studies done on "Infant Amnesia"

This really facinates me because many of the anti-adoption people believe we remember our birthmothers....I'm not taking away from the hardship they have been through but it got me thinking. I felt no connection with my birthmother (she seemed more like a stranger to me). I have said all along that I believe adoption is most difficult for the birthmoms because they remember everything. But memory is an interesting thing. This article was fascinating and the thing that stuck out to me...

The ability to form memories depends on a network of structures in the brain and these develop at different times. As the networks come together between 6 months and 18 months of life, researchers see increased efficiency in the ability to form short- and long-term memory.

This means to me that we do not have the ability to remember before around six months...


This one is about dissociation with memory:


I will continue to research this, it is so interesting.

Infant Amnesia

Someone I know turned me onto this article....very interesting.....
Miss, make sure you read this.

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/world/2007-02/17/content_811598.htm

This is a song about a young mother who wanted a good home
for her child but wanted to be remembered as loving him.
It's not going to hit the charts but it's very sweet.

Miss and other anonymous posters

They think they are clever by having a blogger account with no blog so they can comment. It's funny really. They post on my blog, my feelings about adoption (that are actually the mainstream). At least they are reading....they are seeing that their views are not the only ones out there....that's the purpose of my posting. The funniest thing about it is they don't have the courage to post a link to their own blog. They have so much to say - I'd like to read their posts. But they would rather come on my blog and try to......I don't know what they think they are doing honestly. MISS actually needs to be on medication--or maybe she just needs some much needed sleep.

biological history

As an adoptee I wanted to know medical history and I wanted to know what people, that I was blood related to, looked like. But when I read that people are missing out on their "biological history" I wonder....what does it matter? Who cares. That's just me.

People are sensative about too many things. I know some adoptees have problems but is it all related to them being adopted? I don't know. People will have problems, people adopted and biological will have things that are wrong in their lives....I just can't see blaming adoption.

When you get married you become one....flesh of my flesh. My in-laws are parents, my SILs and BILs are my siblings. When you are adopted it's the same. You take on all the relatives as your own....your not "blood realted" but it doesn't matter. I never had a grandma but when I married (just dating even), I got two grandmas and they were awesome....they could not have been closer if they were "blood related"......

I feel very sorry for people biologically raised or adopted that do not feel close to their family.....is that adoption's fault?

Adoption in the media.....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BELLA - the movie

This movie is winning all sort of awards (top prize at the Toronto Film festival)

http://www.bellathemovie.com

When considering Adoption:

Positive Language/Negative Language

Birthparent /Real parent
Biological parent/Natural parent
Birth child/ Own child
My child /Adopted child; Own child
Born to unmarried parents/ Illegitimate
Terminate parental rights/ Give up
Make an adoption plan/ Give away
To parent/ To keep
Waiting child/ Adoptable child; available child
Biological or birthfather/Real father
Making contact with/ Reunion
Parent /Adoptive parent
Intercountry adoption/ Foreign adoption
Adoption triad/ Adoption triangle
Permission to sign a release/ Disclosure
Search /Track down parents
Child placed for adoption/ An unwanted child
Court termination/ Child taken away
Child with special needs/ Handicapped child
Child from abroad/ Foreign child

Lunch

My Bio-sis e-mailed today and asked if we could all go to lunch. She's very sweet. The blond-blond straight haired fair girl who is a bellydancer. She's quite good and is sought after for parties because she doesn't "fit the mold". I had her come dance for a group and she was great - she has tried to convince me I must have it in me to dance like that but I disagree...it is a ....gift? talent? that you have and must cultivate ---- i do NOT have it.

To Prospective Adopted Parents:
A Stereotypical Pile

A poster used these two words and I loved them. If you are new to adoption or wanting to adopt please know that adoptees DO NOT like to be thrown into a "stereotypical pile". I am an adoptee and fortunately have had a great life but I am also an adopted parent and am concerned about my own daughter not feeling negatively about adoption.

There are hundreds of thousands of adoptees who are happy and leading productive lives. Adoption has not had a negative affect on them and they don't think much about the whole thing.

You will find that there is a higher percentage of negative adoptee blogs out here in bloggland because there are those that feel their lives were negatively affected by adoption. There aren't many happy adoptees who feel the need to blog or journal. It's unfortunate that there are some who have had a bad life, whether it is due to adoption or in spite of it.

All you can do is make sure that as adopted parents you adopt through reputable agencies and make sure that the biological mothers are offered counseling and treated well. Think twice before choosing a closed adoption for the sake of your child. At least a semi-open adoption will give the opportunity for information and a possible reunion when the child is an adult, if they wish it.

There are many different opinions but don't let the negativity change your mind. Adoption is a wonderful way to have a family...there are woman deciding to place their child and walking into agencies. We, as adopted parents walk in and apply and these women are showed profiles. They are deciding. They are being offered the opportunity to decide. It IS bittersweet but these women want what's best for the child they will have and your job is to be the best parents you can be.

I have a unique perspective because I an adoptee who adopted. I feel like I'm being a great mom just like my mom and dad were.....

Leave comments or e-mail me if you have any questions.

Memorable Memorial

Last year memorial day was the day we met J. I got "the call" on the Friday before, at work....I cried and my asissantant thought my dad must have died. I was so bulldozed and happy and scared to death. It was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to us!

This girl was already a socialite - down at "the lake" for the weekend, so we had to wait until the foster parents came home. Memorial day will always be a very memorable day for us....the day we first met.

We love you J!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Beautiful Garden

I read in another blog that "Adoptees are like rootless trees, trying to survive on foreign roots in foreign soil."

I thought that was strange. I think Adoptees are like trees that are up-rooted and re-planted. That makes more sense. The trees do well if re-planted in a good fertile soil and if uprooted and re-planted too many times (like some foster care kids) they could do poorly and not grow well. There are many different comparisons you could make. I'm sorry for those adoptees who got the crappy soil and did not flourish. Thankfully there are SO many trees that are flourishing and bearing much fruit!

So Many

There are many differences in the types of adoptions.

First there are private adoptions, agency adoptions and state (foster) adoptions.

When it comes to agency or private adoptions I am most leery of private adoptions. I know there are some unscrupulous agencies out there but there are too many opportunities for private adoptions to be coercive or manipulative. People are deperate...I'll give you that. They want to have a child. I was at the point of wanting to stand outside an abotion clinic with a sign..."I'll adopt your baby". Anyone who has gone through years of infertility knows how it feels. But putting your name and profile on the internet or in the paper is risky business. Not only are you putting yourself out there to be "snookered", but if someone legitimate does contact you....how are they being treated by the lawyers? I know it can and does work but there are too many cracks in that system.

There are international and domestic adoptions.

This is a matter of choice and what God is leading a family to do. International adoptions are a little scary because some of the governments can change the program right in the middle of the process. Some governements even will get parents over there and then require more money "like bribery" and of course there is no legal sytem to stop them. The governemnts also require the children to be a certain age before leavin ghte country. This means that some little children have to suffer even longer in over-crowded orphanges before they can go home with their new families.
Domestic adoptions have different racial groups that are available for adoption. This is also a choice and a decision that requires much prayer. It seems that people really just have a desire to do a particular type of adoption. We thought about Russian adoption but it just never felt like we were supposed to pursue it, doors just stayed closed. Domestic adoptions can be infants or older children through the foster care system. We chose domestic infant adoption and everything went like clock-work...like it was meant to be. We only waited three months for a biomom to choose us (which is almost unheard of).

Then there are closed, semi-open and open adoptions within the above categories.

Closed adoptions should rarely be allowed in todays society. There are some that would need it to be closed but there is too high of percentage of this still going on. If women placed their child with the idea it was closed....they need to be the ones to decide to open the records. But too many want the records open now. My friend J does NOT want his biomom to find him - he's in his 40s and won't even talk about it....closed through Catholic Charities...he will get his wish.

We had chosen semi-open and then the biomom that looked at our profile felt the same way. She really wanted a closed adoption at first but the agency talked her into semi-open so she looked at our profile. We fingured we could send her updates and eventually we could find out names and have them meet if they both wanted to. I actually know her last name....the lawyer did not cover it up in one legal paper. I'm glad I know.

There are people who can do the open adoption but both the biomom and the aparents have to be able to handle it all. We went to a adoption seminar and there was an adopted mom and birthmom in an open adoption. They spoke about the whole thing and it was an awesome relationship. I talked to them afterwards and they both said the first two years were VERY hard and the biomom was very demanding and difficult. She had grown up a bit and now they have the great relationship we saw.


So how do I feel?
There needs to be semi-open adoptions with the records being open as the child reaches 18 -all medical records revieled. Neither party has to want a reunion but records should at least be available.

Smudged

Trying to understand people, someone e-mailed me about the string of people who seem to be "angry adoptees"..... one thing stuck out........

"Seeing everything in life that is negative through adoptee glasses...."

This doesn't take away what anyone has been through...but it explains a lot in this negative blog world.

I think it hits the nail right on the head.

In the Beginning

I started this blog just before Christmas 2005. I began because another blog that i listed personal pictures and family info had been invaded by some girls from my IF group - who were also involved with the same agency we had. Even though It was anonymous, as far as where we live and specific names,...I felt invaded when I found out some of these girls had been telling my agency that I was listing information that was "too personal". Get a LIFE...really. An anonymous blog that no one knows about except prying IFers (where they got the address is beyond me). Mind your own business.

So I maintained a mamby pamby blog of personal pics and family information - all happy go lucky. This blog was totally anonymous (thus, Petunia) and I vowed not to list pictures or any mention of where we live or any other telling clues. I wanted a place to write anything that was on my mind....my first post began:

I am starting this blog so i can really write what i think. It's more for me than anyone.....and i guess anyone else who cares what i think.

I don't really care what anybody thinks about me. I'm the one that has to answer to God and what other people think has no bearing on my eternity.....

We are adopting a baby and i have a blog about that but i don't ever want anyone to read it and have to know about some of the stupid stuff i think. I mean, why bore them and why have a record of it? It may come back to haunt me.

I then talked about things that were on my mind...no holds barred - like "what if my baby is ugly".... something that did cross my mind - not that it matters in the least. Also in January of 2006 I started writing "things I hate" - guess it should have been - "things I dislike"...but anyway, it started as a joke with another friend of mine and we just kept adding. They were "stupid things I thought about"....

I hear a lot of sadness in the things I wrote back then. I hear the sound of my life ticking away and no love to share with a child...that was killing me.... i should have added that to my hate list. As much as I love my husband the love for children was missing..... I covered most my sadness with silliness and laughter....laughter heals so why not?

Anyway, this was never about me being adopted...i never had a need to talk about that or write anything about it...why should I? It really proves a point about why other happy adoptees don't write...they don't feel the need. So.... a documentation of how I was feeling at the time of waiting for adoption of a child.

I was shocked at the amount of whining, sad, angry, political, frivolous and meaningless blogs....but what else are people supposed to write about? I found power in the other parents who were waiting but we were all in the sad category most of the time....we all waited for the "call".

After we got "the call", our lives changed. So did the things I think about. I was afraid, nervous, excited, elated....so many emotions all in one. I'll write about that another day...but the things I wrote here made a change as well.

No longer was it about the wait and silly ideas and stupid ramblings of thought..... it was all important. A documentation of how I felt about the whole thing. On Friday May 26th 2006 I wrote:

WE WERE MATCHED!!!!!

We will be parents in one week! She's already here and ready to be our baby..............More later!!!!

And nothing was the same. And in the months to follow I began to think about how great my own adoption was. How my parents were the best I could have ever wanted. I wanted to be the same kind of parent.... accepting, loving, kind, gentle....etc. I wrote things like this and this
and this. It was all about love....still is. But that's about the same time when people started leaving nasty comments. (most now have been deleted...some by a troubled birthmom who has now sort of fallen off the negative blog scene)...that led to a few more (guess she was spreading the word). So, this blog started being me defending myself for adopting after being adopted. That was futile though, these women were adamant about disliking me because I adopted and I claimed to be a happy adoptee. They have nothing better to do than to be hateful I guess and try to make others like them.

So this blog took on another tone....after I decided I don't have to "explain myself" and make these women see my point of view as valid. My point of view IS valid and I'm probably more pshychologically healthy than most of these women.

So this is My happy adoptee/ happy adopted mom blog and i think the same as the first day I wrote...

I don't really care what anybody thinks about me. I'm the one that has to answer to God and what other people think has no bearing on my eternity.....

When I was Born

When I was born my biological mother held me, fed me and had a day to say goodbye. I wish all adoptees could be so loved and all biomoms could have the opportunity to feel the the way my biomom felt. Maybe that's why I've been happy, I started off in the right way and then had awesome parents who pushed me to be the best I could be...whatever that was.

The Graying of Truth

"Truth is whatever you believe."

"There is no absolute truth."

"If there were such a thing as absolute truth, how could we know what it is?"

"People who believe in absolute truth are dangerous."

You hear these things being said when talking about truth. Oddly enough, those who claim there is no such thing as absolute truth are making daily decisions based on what they think is true and false. We all do it....we turn on a light believing in the truth and the reality of electricity. We drive a car with the truth and certainty that the engine runs on gas, oil, parts, etc. If you were getting brain surgery you would definitely want the doctor's truth to be that he has a medical degree and he can do the work.
These are all truths....there is no gray area.

Steve Turner wrote a parody of this attitude in society about truth:

I believe that each man must find the truth that is right for him.

Reality will adapt accordingly.

The universe will readjust. History will alter.

I believe that there is no absolute truth excepting the truth that there is no absolute truth.

Why do people run from truth? Mike Yaconelli, an American writer writes:

Because the pain of knowing who we are is so great, we spend a lifetime running from ourselves. We have become experts in dodging, avoiding, hiding, pretending, covering, running, protecting, eluding, escaping, averting, evading the real us. This 'Great Escape' from ourselves is the way most of us have chosen to live our lives, because it is the way of less pain.

There are certain truths that cannot be dulled....there is black and white and people need to start standing up for the absolute truth. Can you imagine the chaos there would be if there were no absolute truths? The law of gravity is a good example.....take a step - it's an absolute truth. If someone says there is no absolute truth ask them if they are absolutelty sure of that.

The problem with the denial of absolute truth is the fact that all humans have limited knowledge. As humans with a limited and finite mind we cannot logically make absolute negative statements. A person cannot logically say "there is no God" because they would have to have absolute knowledge of the entire universe from beginning to end to do so.

If there are no absolute standards then it is just as okay to kill who you do not like as it is not to. Or stealing is just as right as not stealing, cruelty would be equal to kindness. There has to be absolute truths to live our lives.

One person's truth..... it's the idea that is graying down our society......

Famous Adoptees

There are many famous adoptees....
click HERE to watch a short clip.

I didn't know how many awesome adoptees are out there...
Click HERE for another list

Click HERE for another site of famous adoptees

And HERE for still another

It's amazing how many of us turned out all right since
there are people that feel that it ruins everyone's life.

My Bio-1/2 sibs

It's amazing to me how different we are, how utterly different 2 people who I have blood-ties to can be.

I have very dark, coarse, curly hair - they have blond thin straight hair.
I love meat and they are vegetarians
I am a Christian, they are into new age and tarot cards
I am an actress & singer, they are quiet and can't sing a note

they go on and on....no one would ever guess we have 1/2 the same DNA

My cousin

If you have read any of my story you know we have A LOT of adopted people scattered throughout my family for four generations. My cousin was adopted after a biological brother was born. She always knew she was adopted and got along with her family very well. Her a-dad was always aloof with the whole family though - none of us ever really got along with him.

When she was 14 her aunt, who's a nun, was visiting from California (the order had moved her a few years previously). My cousin came to the dinner table and her aunt said (without thinking) "you look so much like your mom". Now in any other sicumbstance it would not hav ebeen a big deal but they all knew she was adopted. My cousin said "what do you mean?"----but the subject was changed....dropped.

After dinner she pressed her aunt what was meant by the comment and it turned out she was a teacher at her biomom's highschool and did some private tutoring in her home before she gave birth. The girl was 14 and was pulled from school as soon as she was "showing".
The aunt knew that her sister and brother in-law were adopting a baby girl and at the same time the 14 year old was telling the aunt that she was happy that the baby was going to a great Catholic family, the mother a stay at home mom and the dad a lawyer. She was shocked when she realized they were all talking about the same baby. No one knew she was related , no-one knew what was involved the way she was. These were supposed to be sealed records....now the cat was out of the bag. The aunt was so afraid that she would spoil the whole thing she kept quiet for years about it all. But now she was seeing how much my cousin looked like her..... both at the 14 year mark.

When my cousins a-mom died she was devistated....they had become friends as well as mom and daughter. She looked up her aunt after a year or two and asked what the girl's name was....she hunted and she found her--she had a family and two other girls. My cousin adopted two boys from Russia. They all met and are now very good friends.

For her the search was easy - for many of us the search is a lot of dead ends....that does need to change.