Tuesday, May 29, 2007

To Prospective Adopted Parents:
A Stereotypical Pile

A poster used these two words and I loved them. If you are new to adoption or wanting to adopt please know that adoptees DO NOT like to be thrown into a "stereotypical pile". I am an adoptee and fortunately have had a great life but I am also an adopted parent and am concerned about my own daughter not feeling negatively about adoption.

There are hundreds of thousands of adoptees who are happy and leading productive lives. Adoption has not had a negative affect on them and they don't think much about the whole thing.

You will find that there is a higher percentage of negative adoptee blogs out here in bloggland because there are those that feel their lives were negatively affected by adoption. There aren't many happy adoptees who feel the need to blog or journal. It's unfortunate that there are some who have had a bad life, whether it is due to adoption or in spite of it.

All you can do is make sure that as adopted parents you adopt through reputable agencies and make sure that the biological mothers are offered counseling and treated well. Think twice before choosing a closed adoption for the sake of your child. At least a semi-open adoption will give the opportunity for information and a possible reunion when the child is an adult, if they wish it.

There are many different opinions but don't let the negativity change your mind. Adoption is a wonderful way to have a family...there are woman deciding to place their child and walking into agencies. We, as adopted parents walk in and apply and these women are showed profiles. They are deciding. They are being offered the opportunity to decide. It IS bittersweet but these women want what's best for the child they will have and your job is to be the best parents you can be.

I have a unique perspective because I an adoptee who adopted. I feel like I'm being a great mom just like my mom and dad were.....

Leave comments or e-mail me if you have any questions.


MomEtc. said...

I like seeing some diversity in the world of blogging adoptees. I know that there are folks that have had bad experiences with adoption that they are struggling to work through and I respect that. I also know that I've met many people online, who blog about a variety of things and I only find out they are adopted because I mention my own experiences. I have asked a few about adoption after I have gotten to know them well enough and they do not have the issues that some others do. Again, I respect this.

What upsets me is when bloggers seem to delight in telling aparents that their adopted children are going to turn out just horribly. I had one person telling me I shouldn't be saving money for my DD's college because I should be satisfied "just to keep her out of jail". As if her life will be so awful, her spirit so damaged, that there is no reason to think that she will have goals or aspirations or that she will achieve anything. I've seen similar on other blogs where the blogger tells aparents things like....."just wait till your kid sets the house on fire", "just wait till your kid grows up with serious problems....hopefully she'll have someone like me to sit down and have a drink with".

I think people feel their own unhappiness is invalidated when someone else comes through the same experiences unscathed or less emotionally harmed. Misery seems to love company sometimes. It's tragic.

I hope to give my children the ability to take their experiences, analyze them rationally and work through whatever issues they have without looking around the world and repeatedly blaming others. I'm not speaking solely about adoptees here. Of course what happens to a child is never the fault of that child, but I've seen far too many adults who seem to think that their situation is somehow unique in that their upbringings weren't perfect or that their sufferings are of a depth that no one else has ever experienced. Perspective seems to get lost somehow, with the individual completely wrapped up is his or her own emotional world.

I've seen too many adults who haven't been able to take control of their lives as adults and determine their own destiny. It's possible that their experiences have just been too horrendous, too crippling and that they are left only looking back, never forward. I pray that I can equip my daughter with the skills that she will need to control her emotional world, no matter what her experiences may be out there in the world.

Tishslp said...


I couldn't agree more :)

I don't understand why hoping for and working toward a happy childhood and a good, solid start into adulthood for my ds would negate that other adoptees have not had a good experience. My heart truly breaks for those who have had bad experiences in the triad, ALL of them. But I am certainly not going to give my son the idea that adoption is a direct ticket to serious life-long problems. HOw fair would that be to him?

petunia said...

I can't agree with you more. Adoption has nothing to do about who you become - it's the parents who have most everything to do with who you become. %98 is loving unconditionally.....
I also believe it's living a Christian life...which doesn't mean perfect, but when a child sees that we can make mistakes and sees/hears us asking for forgiveness, that is an awesome example.

MomEtc. said...

Let me clarify something people are missing here. I went back and re-read my comment. In the second paragraph I am continuing to talk about certain adoptee bloggers who've tried to tell me these things about what will supposedly happen to my daughter. I am NOT talking about aparents. In my experience, the aparents I know think their children will do great. The particular bloggers who made these comments were trying to upset me and other aparents.

Of course, maybe people did understand what I meant....and that's another subject.

petunia said...

I understand that....I think mad adoptees and angry biomoms want to scare people into not adopting. I'm just saying that most adoptees are doing fine and because they are adopted has no bearing on how they turn out

MomEtc. said...

Petunia....I know you know what I mean....my comment is actually being discussed on another blog.

Maybe that person thought I was talking about her....I wasn't.

Tishslp said...

People are amazing sometimes. I mean, I understand about feeling defensive (ABSOLOUTELY understand), but sheesh!

Miss said...

"Stereotypical Pile"

Indeed a great term, too bad you can't see how you commit this grievous unkindness every single day. Rather like the child on the school ground who says, "I LOVE animals!", just as they snap the legs of a kitten.

Thanks for the material.