Thursday, May 24, 2007

In the Beginning

I started this blog just before Christmas 2005. I began because another blog that i listed personal pictures and family info had been invaded by some girls from my IF group - who were also involved with the same agency we had. Even though It was anonymous, as far as where we live and specific names,...I felt invaded when I found out some of these girls had been telling my agency that I was listing information that was "too personal". Get a LIFE...really. An anonymous blog that no one knows about except prying IFers (where they got the address is beyond me). Mind your own business.

So I maintained a mamby pamby blog of personal pics and family information - all happy go lucky. This blog was totally anonymous (thus, Petunia) and I vowed not to list pictures or any mention of where we live or any other telling clues. I wanted a place to write anything that was on my mind....my first post began:
I am starting this blog so i can really write what i think. It's more for me than anyone.....and i guess anyone else who cares what i think.

I don't really care what anybody thinks about me. I'm the one that has to answer to God and what other people think has no bearing on my eternity.....

We are adopting a baby and i have a blog about that but i don't ever want anyone to read it and have to know about some of the stupid stuff i think. I mean, why bore them and why have a record of it? It may come back to haunt me.
I then talked about things that were on my mind...no holds barred - like "what if my baby is ugly".... something that did cross my mind - not that it matters in the least. Also in January of 2006 I started writing "things I hate" - guess it should have been - "things I dislike"...but anyway, it started as a joke with another friend of mine and we just kept adding. They were "stupid things I thought about"....

I hear a lot of sadness in the things I wrote back then. I hear the sound of my life ticking away and no love to share with a child...that was killing me.... i should have added that to my hate list. As much as I love my husband the love for children was missing..... I covered most my sadness with silliness and laughter....laughter heals so why not?

Anyway, this was never about me being adopted...i never had a need to talk about that or write anything about it...why should I? It really proves a point about why other happy adoptees don't write...they don't feel the need. So.... a documentation of how I was feeling at the time of waiting for adoption of a child.

I was shocked at the amount of whining, sad, angry, political, frivolous and meaningless blogs....but what else are people supposed to write about? I found power in the other parents who were waiting but we were all in the sad category most of the time....we all waited for the "call".

After we got "the call", our lives changed. So did the things I think about. I was afraid, nervous, excited, elated....so many emotions all in one. I'll write about that another day...but the things I wrote here made a change as well.

No longer was it about the wait and silly ideas and stupid ramblings of thought..... it was all important. A documentation of how I felt about the whole thing. On Friday May 26th 2006 I wrote:
WE WERE MATCHED!!!!!

We will be parents in one week! She's already here and ready to be our baby..............More later!!!!
And nothing was the same. And in the months to follow I began to think about how great my own adoption was. How my parents were the best I could have ever wanted. I wanted to be the same kind of parent.... accepting, loving, kind, gentle....etc. I wrote things like this and this
and this. It was all about love....still is. But that's about the same time when people started leaving nasty comments. (most now have been deleted...some by a troubled birthmom who has now sort of fallen off the negative blog scene)...that led to a few more (guess she was spreading the word). So, this blog started being me defending myself for adopting after being adopted. That was futile though, these women were adamant about disliking me because I adopted and I claimed to be a happy adoptee. They have nothing better to do than to be hateful I guess and try to make others like them.

So this blog took on another tone....after I decided I don't have to "explain myself" and make these women see my point of view as valid. My point of view IS valid and I'm probably more pshychologically healthy than most of these women.

So this is My happy adoptee/ happy adopted mom blog and i think the same as the first day I wrote...
I don't really care what anybody thinks about me. I'm the one that has to answer to God and what other people think has no bearing on my eternity.....

3 comments:

Trace said...

I wondered why you didn't really say anything about your daughter. I imagine that she is the center of your world (along w/hubby & pooch).

Especially becaue I fall into that waiting stage it makes me always want to hear about other peoples situation. I could list a whole bunch of questions that I have re: being a new mom and a new adoptive mom, but I won't (you're thinking, thank goodness she's shutting up). Are you going to create a new blog for yourself where you can share freely?

petunia said...

ask away....you could ask on your blog too and you could get a few other people to answer.

Tishslp said...

You go!! NOt only does what others think have no bearing on yoru eternity, does it really have any bearing on your life now? If people feel compelled to go on happy adoptee blogs and continually present only one side of the equation, is it really a big loss if they don't have positive regard for you? Are they even people whose regard you would seek? This is not to imply that they are "bad" people, just that you can't please all of the people all of the time and you'd drive yourself crazy if you tried! :)