A Perfect Example How Adoption Can Work

My nephew was adopted from Russia. At one year old, when they all came off the plane, he weighed 11 pounds. I've never been so happy and so sad all at the same time. He was so sweet but a thin bag of bones - big eyes smiling up...not able to walk and not able to use his arms. In St. Petersburg it's cold....all the time and the babies are bundled all the time to keep them warm so they don't die. At the orphanage he was in they are not held much, there's not enough time...so these kids are literally bundled and in their cribs by themselves most of the time.

He was always fascinated with his toes - they were his only toys in the crib, if he could get his legs loose from the blanket. He held them up and wiggled them around - he even tried to hold his bottle with his feet. He only had watered down potato broth at the orphange and sometimes watered down milk and God knows what else...he was one and hadn't had any solid foods so that was a challenge. We knew at that point if he wouldn't have been brought here he would have died - when they were there the orphanage had asked my brother if they still wanted him....can you imagine? All they said was - "he's our son, we'll take him home".

Let me say at this point that his biological mother left him on the stairs at the orphange with a note. She had seven other children and no money or food....she loved him, she wanted to save his life....and she did.

By two it was presumed he had attachment disorder. The doctor's were pretty sure because of his neglect and lack of holding at the orphanage. He was treated for that until he was five when they changed his diagnosis to Asp*rger's . They had been doing all the wrongs things to treat him. He has some sociopath behavior from time to time that has worried us but for the most part he's just a kid with an IQ of about 195 who can't have a full conversation unless you talk about bugs. It's then he is in his world and really a wonder of information. I think he may be bi-polar now, i know he's starting puberty and that can make them go either way as far as behavior. He began to attack my brother, sister-in-law and niece. A few times they were on the highway - it was very dangerous. He has these outbursts of anger but you don't know when it's coming.

After $1800 worth of damage from an overflowed bathtub, $2,000 re-doing his room that he destroyed with urine, feces and his bare hands and $500 worth of damage to the newly landscaped yard (throwing things at windows to break them), he is in a children's home. He has structure, order and schooling. We all visit but it's just killing my sister-in-law and brother to have him there. I hope they can get him straightened out. They have tried a few times to bring him home but he just can't handle it - yet.

I went to see him Friday and we went into the community garden. He catches bees and wasps with a net and takes the stinger's out. He would open his hand and show me - 5-8 bumble bees all buzzing and wiggling around....it's quiet shocking if your not used to it. After so many years of handfuls of beetles and spiders I'm getting there. It's fascinating. He can tell you the name of everything, what they eat how they live, etc.

He brought over the largest wasp I've ever seen - He told me it was a Tarantula Hawk Wasp...a what? never heard of it. I got home and looked it up...it WAS what he said. It was amazing the gentleness and the expertise with which he handled these things. Most people run and scream and swat their hands and run away away from these things and he goes in wielding just a net and his bare hands. :o

I told him yesterday about the honey bee problem all over the US and all the trouble it's causing because they pollinate all the fruits and vegetables and without them we couldn't grow things. He looked at me and said, "i know what it is, i've seen a lot more Robber Flies last year and this year --a lot more - I bet it's the Robber Flies. They come down on the bees like a helecopter, grab them and inject poison into their heads to kill them". When I got home I looked it up:


Unlike most Flies, Robber Flies are neither pests, nor do They spread disease. Instead, Robber Flies eat Bees. They received their name from living around Honey Bee farms, and gobbling up the Bees when the Bees returned to their hives. Most Beekeepers regard Robber Flies as thieves.

Resembling a Wasp, Robber Fly is noted for voracious attacks on other Insects. Robber Fly waits in open sunlit areas where He can command a good view of passing Insects, then flies out to catch his prey. (The Fly's favorite food is small Bees and Wasps.) Once the prey is in his bristly legs, Robber Fly kills the unfortunate Insects with toxic saliva injected through his short proboscises.

What if the problem could be solved by listening to a twelve year old with Asp*rgers? This is a kid, that if we could get him "on track" could find new species, find cures for things, who knows....he could be a famous entomologist one day.

A kid who would have been dead or in an orphanage until he was kicked out at 18 into a cold world.

Everything is not all roses in his life but he is in a much better place than if he were to have stayed in Russia.

Thinking About Adoption?

Here are some rules...since we are making some up....
RULE #1 When Adopting:

Look through every agency in your area, ask around and find people who have adopted and what agency they used...where they happy with them? Was everything handled without complication?
Then get their literature, talk to someone there face to face, if you can, to get that first "gut instinct"....if you feel uncomfortable at this point - run away! Ask how they advertise, what happens when a girl/woman comes in, what kind of counciling they get. They should be able to pick a profile for themselves if they decide to place...and they should not do it until the last trimester. Is the agency small and able to take care of everyone? Also ask about your state's laws and the city the agency is in will have their own court proceedings.

HipHip....

There have been a few militant anti-adoption bloggers who have either went password protected or left the blogosphere.....YEA....that means they won't be there to scare any more prospective adopted parents (POPs) with their rantings. I don't mind when the blogs tell their stories, even if they are not all roses...but I can't stand the militant or mean ones where they misguide their anger onto everyone else.

Another one bit the dust this week. It used to be the POPs that got scared off (or turned off). Maybe these latest bloggers are just getting burned out or tired of being so angry...i'm sure it's exhausting!

There are a few mean angry anti-adopters out there....and a few bloggers started listing rules that people should go by in adoption...stating things as fact when they are not....it is irksome.

Here are some solid facts:

2% of the U.S. population, or 5-10-million Americans, are adoptees.

-Adoption Factbook, National Council For Adoption1-million children in the U.S. live with adoptive parents, and

2%-4% of American families include an adopted child.

-K.S. Stolley, 1993, in "Future of Children,"

Center for Future of Children, Los Altos, CA

Three very intersting findings from a study done in 1994 at the Search Institute, a Minneapolis-based public policy research organization

* Adopted adolescents generally are less depressed than children of single parents and less involved in alcohol abuse, vandalism, group fighting, police trouble, weapon use and theft.

* Adopted adolescents score higher than children of single parents on self-esteem, confidence in their own judgment, self-directedness, positive view of others and feelings of security within their families.

* Seven percent of children adopted in infancy repeated a grade, while 12 percent of children living with both biological parents repeated a grade.

I Need to Stop Reading other Blogs!

I do try to understand when biomoms are angry. They live with regret, the "what ifs" and the "whys". They let it simmer until they are angry. But sometimes they go over too many lines, calling people names, trying to fight to get rid of adoption all together because of how they feel about their own situation.

One biomom quoted the bible to "prove" that the bible speaks against adoption:
"The WICKED snatch fatherless children from their mother's breasts, and take a poor man's baby as a pledge before they will loan him any money or grain." Job 24:9

But she doesn't realize this has NOTHING to do with adoption. She used it out of context.
Job was talking about the oppressors that blame the "law" for what they do: "they pluck the fatherless from the breast";that's the oppressor having MADE the child fatheress by murdering the father. By killing the father they break the mother's heart, and so "starve the children" and leave them to perish. Pharaoh and Herod "plucked children from the breast to the sword"; and we read of "children brought forth to the murderers" Hosea 9:13

So I guess if we use things out of context we can prove the bible says anything.....

Just a Pop-In

Just peeked at a blog of an adoptee I barely read anymore because she is so venomous. I don't even want anyone to know who she is - I don't want any adopted parents to find her blog...it really gives adoptees a bad name. She has had a bad life as an adoptee and she %100 blames adoption. When I did read her blog, she claimed to have great adopted parents and she declared how much she loved them but was SO mad and SO stricken and hurt by adoption. But, if you read back on her past posts you see how her a-parents held adoption over her head all the time. They said things that would have absolutely had a impact on a kid.....I'm sure they were not terrible people, I'm sure they were nice .... but just like many bioparents....they messed with her head. You never want to think the people you love is the reason for our unhappiness.

My husbands father (wonderful man) thought he should not give his son a lot of praise because he didn't want him to get a "big head". Hubby now has a low self esteem and he never thinks things are good enough because his dad pushed him to always do better. He THOUGHT he was being a good parent but it impaired his son psychologically.

Many children have hang-ups and problems because of their parents. It just may be a problem for adoptees....it MAY not be the adoption but the aparents.

Again, I'm talking infant adoptions.

Memory and the Development of the Brain

The hippocampus is a "A peninsula-shaped structure in the middle of the brain that is crucial for learning as well as for consolidating long-term explicit memories."

•Research suggests that memory during infancy is dependent upon the hippocampus and that at a later age involves additional structures of the brain

In the cortical sensory systems, patterns of synaptic connectivity are formed postnatally. Before the emergence of behavioral function, the organization of synaptic contacts is influenced by sensory experience during a postnatal "sensitive period," resulting in permanent changes in connectivity and function.

Like the sensory cortices, the hippocampus undergoes a period of postnatal development, and behavioral function does not emerge until this period is complete. But, much of hippocampal synaptogenesis occurs postnatally.

It was thought that the hippocampus may "undergo a postnatal sensitive period, during which neuronal activity shows increased responsiveness to environmental stimulation". But after some studies with rats, the results "did not support this hypothesis, however, and instead suggest that, before the emergence of behavioral function, hippocampal cellular activity is insensitive to environmental stimulation."

•Research supports the notion of INFANTILE AMNESIA, the lack of memory for experiences that occurred prior to three years of age.

Infantile Amnesia: the inability to remember events from before around 3 ½ years of age

Two possible explanations:
1. Memories were never stored
2. Memories were stored but can’t be retrieved because of either
a. cognitive differences (e.g, language, time, etc.
b. social repression (e.g., freud

•Although memories are stored from early infancy, they cannot be easily retrieved.

•Early memories are susceptible to interference from later events.

Recent research on one of the body’s “stress-sensitive” systems shows how very stressful experiences also shape a child’s developing brain. When children are faced with physical or emotional stress or trauma, one of these systems “turns on” by releasing the hormone cortisol.

High levels of cortisol can cause brain cells to die and reduces the connections between the cells in certain areas of the brain.

Babies with strong, positive emotional bonds to their caregivers show consistently lower levels of cortisol in their brains. While positive experiences can help brighten a child’s future, negative experiences can do the opposite. Too much cortisol in the brain can make it hard for children to learn and to think. And they may have trouble acting appropriately in stressful situations.

Healthy relationships during the early years help children have healthy relationships throughout life. Deprived of a positive, stimulating environment, a child’s brain suffers. Rich experiences, in other words, really do produce rich brains.

•Memories are sensitive to environmental context

Early stimulation sets the stage for how children will learn and interact with others throughout life. A child’s experiences, good or bad, influence the wiring of his brain and the connection in his nervous system. Loving interactions with caring adults strongly stimulate a child’s brain, causing synapses to grow and existing connections to get stronger. Connections that are used become permanent. If a child receives little stimulation early on, the synapses will not develop, and the brain will make fewer connections.


***Recent advances in neuroscience have shown that early experiences also play a fundamental role in brain development. At birth, the human infant brain weighs approximately 350 grams but it more than quadruples its size by the time of adulthood. Most of the neurons that make up the human brain are present at the time of birth; the fourfold change in weight is due primarily to an increase in the connections between the neurons. These connections are established very rapidly during infancy and are contingent, at least in part, upon experience (Greenough, Black, & Wallace, 1987). Although both deprivation and enrichment influence the structure and function of the mammalian brain throughout the lifespan (Black & Greenough, 1998; Winocur, 1998), these experiences may be particularly important early in development when the brain is initially taking shape (Kolb, Forgie, Gibb, Gorny, & Rowntree, 1998; Perry, 1997; Wickelgren, 1999).

Still finding information...more to follow

What's So Puzzling?

nope










doesn't work












Okay, that's a match

Studying more about memory I have been interested in all memory function. Of course you will find many things on the internet supporting any idea that you support. However, the best thing to do is seek educated studies done by reputable establishments.

More about Memory

Over the years, many multiple memory systems have been proposed. The most widely accepted today are nondeclarative/declarative memory, semantic/episodic memory, and implicit/explicit memory.

Declarative memory stores facts and can be consciously discussed.
Semantic memory is memory of meanings and concept based understanding
Episotic memory is the memory of events, times and places
Explicit memory is exact memories like "what you had for breakfast"
Implicit memory is "memory that can't be verbalized but that can affect performance on some task without conscious awareness. For example, sometimes you can recognize a multiple choice answer without ever realizing you learned the information in the first place. Eich, Macaulay, Loewenstein, and Dihle (1997)

Don't forget, there are also "false memories" that can be mistaken for real memory and the person honestly thinks they really have been through things that never happened.

More info at Brainconnection.com -- One of the interesting ideas is that infants do not have the ability to process language so they can have no connections to make memories.
It suggests that emotional memories may be easier to recall but they are speaking about 1 and 5 year olds.

Holy Smokes - Tom Cruise is weirder than I thoughtIt began with Victoria Beckham on Jay Leno. I started to think about she and David being friends with Tom Cruise and his wife. I looked up "Beckham scientology" and saw a clip from an article about Tom making a movie about his "bizarre" religious beliefs and he wants Victoria to play "Thetan". Then I had to look that up and WHOA...it got weird. I knew it was a bizarre system of beliefs and I know Ron Hubbard was a failed Science fiction writer who decided to start his own religion....but HOW ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH DO PEOPLE FALL FOR THIS????

Maybe it's all about prestige, being part of the "club"...I can't imagine intelligent people believing this. These are the same people who can't believe in Jesus? That's too far fetched? That's easy math compaired to believing we all have an alien living in our brains: Thetan is a " non-human, but not superhuman, parasitic intelligence that can infest the brains of human beings".

WOOOHHOOOOO, these headaches must be that pseky Thetan trying to get out (like on the Alien movie)

People have a Hard Time Believing

It's difficult for people to believe in a "divine plan", that everything happens for a reason or even that God can use things that are bad and use them for good. After all, most people say "It's God, He could just fix it and not let bad things happen".
I wrote this in a comment to another blogger and, as you can imagine, it was not well received by some other commenters.

"I believe we are all meant to be exactly where we are now. I guess it’s my Christian background that brings me to where I am but I believe that yes, there are people who are meant to carry a child and not raise that child…as hard as it is. There are people who will get cancer, there are people who will live with a child’s death and there are people who will have their own fights to fight. I was definitely meant to be with who I am with and my biomom has made a life for herself in spite of what happened to her…she would have never been in the great place she is now without “giving me up”. I pray that my daughter’s biomom will go to college now and get a good job and stay with the biodad etc…
There is a thread (maybe it’s not red, maybe it’s not even a thread) that binds us…I am better for knowing her biomom and my own, we are all connected by something…I believe it’s all a "God thing". I have lived with adoption my whole life so this isn’t a naive, new mom thing.
Consider the amounts of people who have been adopted and the small percentage of the blogs on the internet and you will realize there are most likely more positive stories out there than negative."

I know there are people that will scoff at the idea of "everything happens for a reason" but it's something that gets people through difficult times. If someone want to look up Corrie ten Boom, she wrote a book about her time in a concentration camp called "the Hiding Place". In it she tells her sister to thank God for the fleas in their beds...when her sister questions that she tells her her that the bible says to be thankful for EVERYTHING, not just some things. The fleas are what kept the gaurds from coming into their bunker....there is a reason for even bad things.

Rabbi Simmons has a great explanation about "Why bad things happen to good people". I know people just don't want to accept that God can let people suffer in any way but I guess we won't know all the answers until we can ask Him for ourselves.

Trying to Understand it All

I have been trying to understand the adoptees that say they miss their biological mothers. I am not saying anyone is lying or making things up...I really want to understand.

In a comment Heather UK wrote:

My friend's mother died in childbirth. She misses her terribly. Are you really saying that someone who lost their mother very young, whether by death or by adoption should have no ill-effects as a result because she can't remember?

Isn't it the thought of her mother and the regret of not getting to know her?

I liken it to when a child says they remember an event at two years old but it's really that they have seen pictures and people have talked so much about it that they actually think they remember it. If this child would have never been told about the mother that had died during childbirth would there be a longing?

It's not wrong to have regret and miss the opportunity to get to know someone but maybe that's why some adoptees have more feelings for their birthparents.... maybe that's why, like myself, there are so many with no real feelings for their biological families other than what you would feel for an acquaintance. We never really talked about me being adopted or my biomom. I didn't have pictures to see or stories to hear. I never knew anyone to miss.

It's sad this girl's mother died and she didn't get so see her daughter grow up.

Adoption Video

Came across this video preview for a movie:

I Have Roots & Branches... Personal Reflections on Adoption

In this must-see film, a 2004 winner of a Film Advisory Board Award of Excellence(recognized world-wide) for quality family/children's entertainment, adoptees ranging in age from childhood to adulthood share their deepest thoughts and emotions on the adoption experience which has profoundly shaped their lives and those of their loved ones. Viewers will find out first hand how it feels to have been adopted and discover that all kids have common experiences growing up in their homes, surrounded by the families they know and love. Children will understand that if they were adopted, it is a lifelong journey; a celebration of the roots from which they come and the branches that mold them into who they are and where they will go. The roots & the branches.....the tree......it is their legacy- two different kinds of love. This joyous and uplifting film rings true to the celebration of their legacy

VALIDATION: an act, process, or instance of validating; especially : the determination of the degree of validity of a measuring device

val·i·date (vl-dt)tr.v. val·i·dat·ed, val·i·dat·ing, val·i·dates

1. To declare or make legally valid.

2. To mark with an indication of official sanction.

3. To establish the soundness of; corroborate

validation - the cognitive process of establishing a valid proof

In psychology and human communication, validation is "the communication of respect for a communication partner, which involves the acknowledgment that the other's opinions are legitimate."

Validation has been thrown around a lot in the adoptee community...as you can see by the actual definition, validation is a declaration of something or someone being real, or what and who they say they are. So when psychologists who tell people they did not get enough "validation", are really saying that the people that are around them don't make them feel real. Hmmmm, now we are getting somewhere.

When an infant is adopted there is no memory of the birthmother or the foster parents who had that child for the first 3-6 weeks. People who try to say they have a loss are in a fantasy of what their lives would have been like if they had not been adopted. Maybe their parents did not "validate" them, did not give them what they needed---but that would have happen with biological children as well. Why do people try to blame adoption? I really think the only adoptees who need to be complaining are the ones that were in foster care or international adoptees that lived in orphanages. These kids could have some problems due to their relinquishment. I just don't believe that infant adoptions can cause the problems that the anti-adoption crowd is talking about. When was the trauma done? Memory does not go that far back...as much as they would like to believe all their problems came from being adopted, their must be some other reasons. look at your adopted family....did they have other children? Did they have troubles too? If they don't feel "validated" it must be because the people around them did not "validate" their existence.

If the loss is a medical history or heritage that can be found out.... but to say that infant adoption has psychologically damaged you is wrong....look at your childhood for that.

Who NOSE?

I have a disorder of my chemical senses.....the book says:

the system may misread and or distort an odor, a taste, or a flavor. Or a person may detect a foul taste from a substance that is normally pleasant tasting.

Well, that's what's happening...long story short, I have Phantosmia. Asnomia is the loss of taste and smell and I had that for a month. Phantosmia is when you smell and taste distorts and you smell and taste incredibly foul things. I can't stand coffee, chocolate, my baby's soap, milk, and just about anything that's not sour or just sweet (like a snow cone). I smell coffee, perfume, cleaning chemicals and rubbing alcohol as a putrid, acidic stench that makes me gag. Milk tastes sour (but worse) and I bit into an ice cream cone and spit it on my desk....it tasted like I was eating rotten meat.

This could be from an infection that has affected my olfactory nerves (i suspect that's what my problem is). But it could also be a brain tumor, a sinus polyp, gingivitis, diabetes or the results of a head injury.

I think this has been coming on for a long time...it's why I'm worried it could be a slow growing tumor. I used to love the smell of buttered popcorn (more than the taste) but for the last few years I couldn't stand the smell...it was like smelly old deli meat. And other smells have changed over the course of 2 or 3 years....things that I used to like were different but I thought it was just getting older. But now it has kicked in to high gear. You cannot imagine what it's like to have so many nasty smells everywhere you go. Even smells I liked just a few months ago are horrible or changed......like my sweet baby's bath wash...it smelled like old trash tonight when I gave her a bath....I cried.
As far as coffee goes, you can't believe how many people drink it, sell it or make it.

BLeeeeeeecccccccck

I will get a CT scan next week...... but in the meantime could everyone in the midwest stop drinking coffee? It would really help a lot...

The Prisoner

One of my favorite Biomoms wrote this about feeling the way biomoms do:

From Healing The Shame That Binds You.. John Bradshaw.. page 115

To heal our toxic shame we must come out of hiding. As long as our shame is hidden, there is nothing we can do about it. In order to change our toxic shame we must embrace it. There is an old therapeutic adage which states, “The only way out is through.”

Embracing our shame involves pain. Pain is what we try to avoid. In fact, most of our neurotic behavior is due to the avoidance of legitimate pain. We try to find an easier way. This is perfectly reasonable. However, as Scott Peck has said, “The tendency to avoid emotional suffering…… is the primary basis for all mental illness.”

In the case of shame, the more we avoid it, the worse it gets. We cannot change our “internalized” shame until we “externalize” it.

page 117

A Parable:

The Prisoner In The Dark Cave

There once was a man who was sentenced to die. He was blindfolded and put in a pitch dark cave. The cave was 100 yards by 100 yards. He was told that there was a way out of the cave, and if he could find it, he was a free man.

After a rock was secured at the entrance to the cave, the prisoner was allowed to take his blindfold off and roam freely in the darkness. He was to be fed only bread and water for the first 30 days and nothing thereafter. The bread and water were lowered from a small hole in the roof at the south end of the cave. The ceiling was about 18 feet high. The opening was about one foot in diameter. The prisoner could see a faint light up above, but no light came into the cave.

As the prisoner roamed and crawled around the cave, he bumped into rocks. Some were rather large. He thought if he could build a mound of rocks and dirt that was high enough, he could reach the opening and enlarge it enough to crawl through and escape. Since he was 5’9”, and his reach was another two feet, the mound had to be at least 10 feet high..

So the prisoner spent his waking hours picking up rocks and digging up dirt. At the end of two weeks, he had built a mound of about six feet. He thought that if he could duplicate that in the next two weeks, he could make it before the food ran out. But as he had already used most of the rocks in the cave, he had to dig harder and harder. He had to do the digging with his bare hands. After a month had passed, the mound was 9 ½ feet high and he could almost reach the opening if he jumped. He was almost exhausted and extremely weak.

One day just as he thought he could touch the opening, he fell. He was simply too weak to get up, and in two days he died. His captors came to get his body. They rolled away the huge rock that covered the entrance. As the light flooded into the cave, it illuminated an opening in the wall of the cave about three feet in circumference.

The opening was the opening to a tunnel which led to the other side of the mountain. This was the passage to freedom the prisoner had been told about. It was in the south wall directly under the opening in the ceiling. All the prisoner would have had to do was crawl about 200 feet and he would have found freedom. He had so completely focused on the opening of light that it never occurred to him to look for freedom in the darkness. Liberation was there all the time right next to the mound he was building, but it was in the darkness..

Oh Baby

Today there were some birds chirping in my building. One of the guys was going nuts because it was so loud. I walked over and the chirping stopped. I stood very still until I heard it again, moved and listened...I finally found two birds behind a propped open door. It was two sparrows, a momma and her baby. The mother was chirping for help, to ward off predators or was crying for her baby...you pick one. As soon as I tried to get them, the mother flew away leaving her young behind....it's all she could do. My assistant cupped the baby in her hands and I got a box with some holes in it. I had to wave my arms around and herd the momma bird back to the boiler room where her nest is and where the hole in the wall lets the birds in and out.

We have a wild bird sanctuary that's close so I drove the baby over and was overwhelmed by a feeling of.....not sadness really, but....wonder maybe?....solidarity?....irony? I'm not sure.

I thought how the mother tried desperately to take care of her baby but was unable to in the end. Someone was taking that baby to make sure it did well and prospered. When I got to the sanctuary they were so kind and treated that baby so well...trying to feed it and wanting so much to take care of it . They knew what to do, they had the experience, the know-how, the food, etc. A woman came out and said they would "match her up with someone good"...It was sweet but so surreal.Reading this back it doesn't hit me like it did this morning....

I haven't even read this blog yet but I loved this first post. I don't know where she stands on adoption but it doesn't matter....we all have felt this way:

Bear-Hug Me

I read about how you touched them and they were healed.

Or even if someone just touched your cloak they were forever changed.

You let a broken women bathe your feet in her tears,

And you washed your best friend’s feet.

I am just wondering though did you just ever hug people?

I mean I know that it is a silly question and all I am sure you would have why wouldn’t you?

But its one of those things that was never mentioned that got me thinking about it...

And how whenever there was a touch from you sins were forgiven and sickness fell

I think I’m caught up in my sins.

Last time I checked all my body parts were properly working, nothing special here...

I am just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets

I don’t think our encounter would have ended up in the gospels or anything...

Because all I really need is a hug

That is ok for me to imagine right?

That’s not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology is it?

Ok good, then hug me...

But not one of these side ways one arm around the neck type hugs

Or the ghetto right hand clasp fists elbows to chest pit pat on the back back

Or you put your right arm over my right arm and I put my left arm over your left arm and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing

Nah none of those...

BEAR HUG ME MAN!

Take your old school carpenter arms and throw them over my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere and I can barely move them because your squeezing so hard...

But don’t pick me up and make my back pop because I hate it when people do that.

And hold me, hold me here in your arms until I start to cry because
I WANT TO CRY

But I just can’t seem to do it on my own

I have been teary eyed once recently but not even enough for a drip down my cheek

Theres just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged so hold me in this hold pose until the pain is flowing from my eyes and nose...

Makes you want to find this person and hug them - hard!

Strange follow up---The thing is - Arabs don't really hug....woman kiss on each cheek as they hold the arms of the other woman. Men take the other man's hand and pull them to them to hit shoulders or kiss on the cheek if they are close friends. And of course a man would not even think of touching a woman unless they are their mother or sister and even then there's not that much contact anyway. I think they need more hugging in the middle east. Maybe that's the way to win any war.

"I Would Die For That"
Got this from another blog - very emotional to watch:

Everybody's Got a Bandwagon

Did you ever notice that most people have some sort of a "cause" or "bandwagon" they have jumped on? Look around at the Hollywood stars... most have something. Whether it's "going green", save the animals, Scientology, Kabbalah or whatever.....they all have something they "tout".
Most people do have something they will fight about...some meaningful like pro-life organizations that are out there protesting at clinics (not that it does any good), people trying to make sure people spay and neuter their animals, etc. There are the crazy ones too that lie down in front of trees that are due to be cut down and "Save the Whales" people out there in life rafts trying to stop harpooning (not that I think harpooning is good but they are willing to get shot or drowned to stop it? What about the people who throw red paint on those wearing fur? Crazy!

Don't these people have better causes to fight over? What about all the people that have gotten on the stick about feeding the poor in our country and all around the world? - bully for them! We need more people to fight for important things like that!

Well, bloggers are no different. There are political blogs that say all right-wingers are rich pigs, some about Iraq that call even the soldiers names, vegetarians who say everyone who eats meat are cannibals and there are the anti-adoption "crusaders" telling every person that adopts that they are committing some crime or the adoptees that are happy "just need to admit they are angry", etc. Let's get all these people to join up with those putting all their efforts into feeding the hungry.... How about it? All those gals (and I could link a few) that put out newsletters and interviews and go and protest adoption.
(and don't get me wrong here - writing letters to congress about opening records doesn't take that much time...and it's not what I'm talking about). Spending all of your time on something fuels fires.....spend time on helping feed the hungry, clothing the poor or helping the disabled.

Myself, I'm an advocate for seniors (on the board of the Area Agency on Aging) and spend my time getting help for little old people that cannot help themselves. I'm not any better than anyone else but I AM proud I spend my time on something worthwhile.

What cause do you fight for?...please share

Interview about this blog

There was a comment on our book club blog about doing an interview for Bloginterviewer.com. We weren't sure what it was all about so I did it for mine first. I guess it's okay so if anyone wanted to be interviewed about their blog - they will review your answers and you may be picked to be highlighted on their site (it's new).

Here's mine

The Shoes We Walk In

I am a wife, an adoptee and an adopted mom. I am an artist, a singer, an actor, a Christian, a lot of things. But I can only feel THOSE things, BE those things. I can write all I want to about THOSE particular things. I cannot write how birthmoms feel (or should feel), how it feels to be president, hanglide or ride motorcycles.
So, when I say how I feel about being an adoptee and now an adopted mom...no one can tell me I should not feel that way....they haven't walked in my shoes.

And in the same respect, I cannot tell anyone how they SHOULD feel. People will always do what they want and feel the way they want, no one can change them but.... them.

What I try to say, even if it's not done very well (and on very little sleep), is that there are a lot of happy adoptees and there are a lot of good adopted parents....there are even a lot of biomoms out there that are at peace with their decision. That does NOT exclude all of you who are NOT happy. Those of you who have NOT had a good go of it. Those of you who have suffered because of adoption - whether you are on the adoptee side or the biomom side. We all know you are out there...just like there are other people who have had a bad life or have had things happen that are damaging to them.

No one else has walked in your shoes and you have not walked in mine.....

Aren't you glad I was adopted? I am.

This was copied from a blog: I thought it was so good and the picture is adorable:

Aren't you glad I was adopted? I am.

I don’t have time to write this blog right now but I wanted to get it down before my heart moves on. Did you guys know that I am adopted? I think most of you probably know that. Last night I had to go to an adoption training for work and it really impacted me. Did you know that there are people out there that think adoption is a bad option? Only 1% of the girls who come to our centers place for adoption. Why? Most of the girls say it is because they would rather have an abortion which is easy and fast then deal with the pain of giving up a baby. Other girls say they would rather keep the baby to punish themselves for the decision they made to have sex in the first place(they really say that). And others still say adoption is horrible, babies are abused and forced into families they may not want.

Someone once said to me probably the reason why you weren’t aborted is because abortion wasn’t legal in Columbia at the time you were born. Here is a clue into one of the many reasons I am pro life. I was one decision away from being an abortion statistic. By God’s grace and possibly the chance of the moment, I made it through. I was adopted and grew up in a loving environment that provides and supports me every step of the way.

It hasn’t always been easy. I do believe we as a country need to let go of the stigma we place on adopted children. Mostly, ADOPTION IS AN AMAZING THING!!! There is NO SHAME in adopting and being adopted. Now that I am adult I have seen it from all sides. Being adopted, knowing friends who have placed for adoption, and knowing friends who are adoptive parents. The media and other avenues focus on the few negative situations and therefore as a culture we fear/ shy away from talking too much about it when a child is adopted. My purpose for this blog is mostly just to get us thinking about the way we think about adoption. Adoption to me is no less an awesome viable option for having a child then if you gave birth to your own baby. The child was no less planned, no less wanted, and no less purposed by God. My big encouragement is TALK about it. If you have adopted children DO NOT be ashamed about being open with them about it. It is a beautiful gift through and through. If you don’t look like your parents, WHO CARES!!! If you know someone who is adopted, ask them what it is like. But also be sensitive that at the time they may not want to talk about it(especially teenagers). Remember we are not a science experiment…(some people talk to me about my adoption like that, for real!) ADOPTION IS AWESOME.

On a personal note, thank you Mom and Dad for adopting me. You are my wonderful parents and I wish I could I hug a squeeze you right now. I am no less your child then if I had been put into your own stomach! I bless and love my birth mother for not giving up on me. I bet it was SO hard for her to do but her decision certainly impacted my life;)

This is my "Visual DNA"....

To put this on your blog you must add
lj-embed id="2" (with a "more than"in front and a "less than" at the end)
in front of the URL and
/lj-embed (with a < and > again)
at the end of your URL
(it won't let me write this any other way-sorry)

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Take Charge of your Life

There will always be people who are crabby, obnoxious, bitter and mean. Just as there will always be people who are decent and honest and happy. Whether you are adopted or lived with your biological family, you will be a product of your environment and circumstances. Let's face it - the percentage is probably higher that there are more biological crappy parents than adopted ones....it's just numbers. But there are good and bad and whatever you wound up with is what you had and that's the past. Don't blame anyone...be who YOU want to be.

I think it's funny when people are really negative. I'm a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" person and can't stand the whiners (as you all know)

From the Encyclopedia Britannica:
Adoption is so widely recognized that it can be characterized as an almost worldwide institution with historical roots traceable to antiquity.

Adoption tax credit

Paragraphein is a good writer. She is a mother and a biological mother of a child she relinquished. She is one of the few anti-adoption writers I can honestly say I like reading...I respect her opinion....it is clear and honest and she lets you see where she is coming from. It doesn't mean I agree with her but it's a blog that I have led others to read because I think it is a good and decent "different" view from my own.
With that said, I did want to disagree with one of her recent posts about the adoption tax credit.

First of all , you don't get a check for $10,000 from the IRS. It is the advantage of NOT paying taxes on $10,000 (to put it simply). This is also done for new businesses that are being "wooed" by a a city - it's an incentive to build there.

Second, I realize that the Tax credit began for different reasons than it's used for today.

"The reason I point this out is simply this: the adoption tax credit and Adoption and Safe Families Act of 1997 were started to (supposedly) help drug-exposed, abused, neglected, “hard to place” children find homes."

It did begin to help "hard to place" kids (I hate to use that term, but that is what they termed kids with disabilaties and older kids in the foster care system, it also came to mean bi-racial and AA children). When it began you had to go to your state's capital (at least in my state) and stand in line to apply and when the money was out - it was out. Everyone made a trip on the first day - that's about how much $ the govt provided. With as many people that wrote their legislation and said they, too, wanted help to adopt, more money was put in the "pot". The credit was then changed to include kids that were "hard to place" and international adoptions. But people still wrote.... "all kids are special that were up for adoption, there shouldn't be catagories". Rich people should not be the only people that can adopt, no matter what type of adoption you felt led to pursue.

I am thankful for the adoption credit....without it, average income people could not adopt as easily or at all. It's not like the credit makes everything simple, but it does help. When people have a biological child they get a tax break....we just get a little more as a head start. We would have still adopted a child without it, but it has helped with all the expenses that's for sure.

I don't believe this has anything to do with "racism or classism" ....it is about time the government helped the middle class do something....I'm lower middle income and wanted to adopt. I didn't rip a child away from a mother. My daughter's biomom could not/did not want to have to struggle raising another child. There were programs to help her and the biodad but she decided not to go that route. That doesn't make her a bad person.....and it gave us an opportunity to raise a child.....why can't the government help us do that? Nothing would have changed without it.


It's late, I'm writing with one hand (baby alseep in the other arm) and I see I'm writing in short sentences......yawn.....just needed to speak my tired mind.

WOW

5 Minutes for Mom is an awesome blogging site that has fabulous contests and great prizes...

Here's a link to a FAB July 4th give-away...you want to get over there and see what they have...these two gals have a great idea going!

Open Adoptions

Someone posted this article and I thought it was worth c&p:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My experience and the empirical literature strongly suggest that open adoption is neither good nor bad; helpful nor hurtful. The primary issue is what is in the child's best interests?

A few things to consider.
First, all decisions should be based on what is best for this child at this point in time.

The age of the child and the health of the birth relatives are other critical factors. If the birth relatives have not been able to be clear with you about their reasons for termination (and in the case of an invol term with abuse/neglect, own their own inability to effectively parent), this can create problems.

The birth relatives should be able to prepare a letter or tape explaining what happened and be able to say "goodbye" and give the child permission to love them and you both! When we do treatment with children with have difficult pasts we often involve the birth relatives and when they can do this, it is very helpful for the child. When birth relatives cannot do this, psychodramatic reneactments in which the "birth relative" does this is also extremely helpful and healing.

Generally, before a child is fully connected to his/her new family, visits, tele calls, letters, etc are destructive and create lots of problems.

Once a child is securely attached then contact can be good...but is must be driven by the child's interests and desires; not the birth relatives or yours...if the child is not asking or showing interest; let it alone...if the child wants to send letters or calls, etc. and the child is healthy, then contact can be a positive experience.
__________________
Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman
Adoptive Parent
Specialist in Adoption and Foster care issues.

It's No Wonder

I was looking at some past posts - this wasn't that long ago in 2006 and a reader commented on a post:

"Just close your eyes for a second and see someone drugging you and stealing your baby and then see an adoptive mother telling you to get over it....."

I know this can happen and probably still does (to a very small degree) but does this person honestly believe this is a general practice? Where is this? I know in the 50s and 60s some women were blindfolded so they would't see the baby (barbaric). Many women were "put out" and would wake up to it all "being over"....but this was done regardless if people were placing a child or parenting...it's just sad in the birthmother's case because they are pregnant one minute and they wake up to everyone pretending it never happened - the last nine months was a dream. Is this what she's refering to? No one does this anymore - not for decades. No wonder there are so anti-adoption actavists if they think this happens all the time - I would protest this too. I'm sorry for anyone that had to go through anything like that.
Thank goodness that is not the "norm".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As an added tidbit I think too many happy adoptees are silent because they have nothing to complain about but we need to speak out...I only wish there was a way to get out the message. Happy adoptees really don't care about these blogs - I went most of life never knowing there was an anti-adoption sentiment....but since I started surfing, just before the adoption of our daughter, I was shocked to read so much negativity.

Since we adopted there have so many people tell me they were adopted too....people I know or some that are friends with people I know. Anytime it's brought up it seems someone is or knows someone who is....all have been happy adoptees. Even a few ladies at the social security office (when they found out we were in the office applying for a temperary number because of adoption) came over and said they were adoptees and oohed and ahhed over the baby.

We're out there - the adverage person and no one would even know.

Favorite Movies

I got this Idea from another blog and with the AFI special running last night with the top 100 movies this has been a discussion in our household. These are a list of my TOP movies:

Movies I could see over and over: (the first two are the top two - the others are random)
1. Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (with Gene Wilder)
2. Scrooge, the Musical (1970)
3. Shawshank Redemption
4. Ciderella man
5. Les Miserable (Liam Neison, Jeffery Rush, Uma Thurmon--awesome movie)
6. Any of the Lord of the Rings
7. Any of the Star Wars
8. Gladiator
9. Sound of Music
10. The Bourne Movies (can't wait for Ultimatum)
11. Forest Gump (added)

Breaking Free of Guilt

Submitted by Marie ( a member of Belleview Community Church in Nashville)

When I was 10 years old, my father, who was the light of our family, not to mention everyone who knew him, died suddenly. My mother immediately became a sullen, angry, and withdrawn person. There were 7 kids in our family and 4 of us were still at home. Our life became hard and like most girls who have no active father in their lives whether they are alive or not, I sought "approval" elsewhere. At 17 I became pregnant and as soon as my mother found out, she sent me to a home for unwed mothers. Since I had just graduated from high school and had no job and basically no control of my life yet, I had to go. Being raised a Catholic, I found out later, wasn't the reason for the immense guilt I felt. It turns out that most girls in that situation, no matter their religion, feel an enormous amount of guilt. After the baby was born and I had to put her up for adoption, I came back home. It was NEVER mentioned again.Several years later I got married and had 2 more children. I found out that I was a pretty terrific mother, if I do say so myself. My kids grew up to be confident, friendly, very smart, funny and caring people, even though their father, who died 3 years ago, was a complete and total alcoholic. Which is what actually took his life. I had not told them about the adoption because I feared their respect for me would be gone.When I found myself being the super mom that I had become, the guilt of having given my first baby up for adoption got much worse. I worried that if she ever found me, she would resent me for giving her away. What if she was in a bad family situation? What if, what if, what if? It was a very strong guilt that I could do nothing about. Until one day, 2 years ago, my brother received a phone call from a man who asked about me. He took a number and gave it to me. I immediately knew what it was about so I decided that it was time to tell my kids. My son was already married and my daughter was in college. When I told them they all started crying and asked if they were going to get to meet her. Their response was nothing like I has imagined. They were so sweet, understanding and loving towards me, it completely amazed me.So I called the man back, who turned out to be her husband. The first thing he said to me was, "Before you say anything, I need to tell you something. Because of what you did, I have a perfect life. We met in high school and have been married for 11 years. We have 4 beautiful children and she is my best friend. She is the kindest, most wonderful person I have ever known." He went on to tell me that she had been raised by 2 very loving parents and that she had found out her adoption information because of being urged by him and her mother. However, she didn't want to pursue it in case I had a family who didn't know and she didn't want to cause my family any problems.After I composed myself, I called her and we talked for hours. She and her husband and their children came to Nashville a few months later and 2 times since. I went to visit them this summer. Her mother and father have invited me to their house for dinner and they have become like family. They sent me cards and flowers and thanked me more times than I can count. As have her friends, her husbands parents, and almost everyone in their lives. "Thank you" was never a phrase I thought I would ever hear when it came to this situation.My other 2 children and daughter-in-law have welcomed her, her husband and their kids into their lives and hearts like I would have never expected. They call and e-mail each other, ask each other's advice and opinions and are very excited to buy Christmas and birthday presents for their new sister, brother-in-law and nieces and nephew.They are truly wonderful people. They minister to others in need. They go to people's homes and pray with them when there has been a tragedy in their lives. They go to prisons and minister to them. They talk to people about marriage and what it takes to have and maintain a good, healthy one. They are truly some of the best people I have ever known in my life.I know that if I had tried to raise her in the situation I was in at the time, her life would not have turned out as it has and because of her true spiritual self, she has allowed me to rid myself of the guilt I have felt all these years. I thank her and thank God for this tremendous gift.

The Best Dad in The World!

We had such a wonderful Father's Day! My dad really is the best dad in the world but runner up is my husband and my daughter may fight me one day to prove the title. I could not ask for any better father or husband. My daughter loves her daddy as much as I love mine. Happy poppa's day guys!!!

Some Adoptee Statistics

Looking for some information I came upon this information I thought was interesting:

According to a 1994 study by the Search Institute, a Minneapolis-based public policy research organization providing leadership, knowledge and resources to promote healthy children, youth and communities. This study, the largest examination of adopted adolescents yet undertaken, concludes:

* Adopted children score higher than their middle-class counterparts on indicators of school performance, social competency, optimism and volunteerism.
* Adopted adolescents generally are less depressed than children of single parents and less involved in alcohol abuse, vandalism, group fighting, police trouble, weapon use and theft.
* Adopted adolescents score higher than children of single parents on self-esteem, confidence in their own judgment, self-directedness, positive view of others and feelings of security within their families.
* On health measures, adopted children and children of intact families share similarly high scores, and both those groups score significantly higher than children raised by single parents.
* Seven percent of children adopted in infancy repeated a grade, while 12 percent of children living with both biological parents repeated a grade.
* Compared with the general child population, children placed with adoptive couples are better off economically.

Great Song!

Steven Cutis Chapman is a champion for adoption ...This isn't the right season but it's an awesome song about a little boy who wants a family.

"Not Anti-Adoption"

Just read an annoying blog and had to comment here on my own. This woman is obviously a hurting bio mother....so I do take that into consideration. But she begins by saying she is NOT anti-adoption but ends with saying all domestic adoptions are wrong except out of the Foster care system - HUH? So it's better that all the kids that cannot be taken care of go into foster care and live a few years there first? rather than having a loving good home to begin their lives? Then who is this about? YOU? Because it's not surely about the kids at this point.

I wish all bio moms could see the future and decide what's best that way. Just because they feel the need (for whatever reason it is) to place their child and then get it all together in a year it seems like then they come out saying they were coerced.

People who have infertility don't adopt to cure it....they adopt in spite of it. Where would these kids go otherwise? We're not ripping them from people's arms.... I don't want any kids to be in foster care - adopted parents adopting kids at any age are keeping them out or getting them out.

A Cell phone salesman on Britian's got Talent

Taste the Ice CREAM

When we were growing up we didn't have tons of money. We weren't poor by any means but my parents needed to be frugal. My mom used coupons and we bought off-brand things. My mom refused to spend money to buy things she could cook so we really didn't eat out much or have any store bought goodies. I would have given my right arm for a Suzy-Q or a Twinkie! I remember going to lunch the day after Thanksgiving after window shopping downtown and then going out for dinner at a nice Italian place the Saturday before Christmas eve...this was a big deal. We used to go to the drive-in movies a few times in the summer but once they tore it down we went to the movies once a year and brought our own snacks. But, my the family had a treat at least once a week from the store - Ice milk. Now it would be called low/no-fat ice cream but it was cheap and it's all we ever had. I was in charge of making the QUICK chocolate sauce with the powder and water. But, I never knew what real ice cream tasted like until I was in my teens. OH MY....that's what I had been missing all this time? I thought I really loved Ice milk but little did I know that there was this heavenly concoction.

Speaking of Heaven - I come to my point. I grew up Catholic, a pretty good kid, I thought I was a "christian". But it was Ice milk...like most so called "christians"...the people saying, "I believe in god and my god wouldn't judge people"...or "these christians who think that adoption is all in god's plan....they don't know what they are talking about". You really have no clue....you have been eating icemilk and have no idea about how good the icecream is.

A real relationship with God does not mean being perfect, it does not mean knowing all the answers. It is a relationship that you cannot understand until you have it.....ice cream. How do you know that you don't have the best or need it if you have never tasted what real ice cream can be?
I speak from experience. I thought they were all crazy too, that they were manipulated, they were brainwashed but I tasted and it was good. So much better than the cheap imitation of christianity. You ice milk eaters have no idea.....I wish you could all try it and see....

BANANA PHONE

Another song we sing a lot in the car.....

a one/two day appearance

I had a picture here for a day.... it was a few years ago when I was in a wedding....I barely know the guy next to me, I have all my hair piled on my head and I NEVER wear lipstick....but it was as close as I would reveal myself - heehee....:)

Princess Petunia

When I was growing up I was the youngest and the only girl. I was the princess and my parents treated me with so much love. I was encouraged to pursue what I did well. No one in my family could draw or sing but because I enjoyed it...they bought me art supplies and I was encouraged when I sang. Some of my favorite gifts were art kits and "how to draw....." books. My brothers really had to work hard at any sport but they all came easy to me and they would be a tad jealous that I didn't have to work at it. I took baton lessons, gymnastics, dance and was on every sports team they offered. I excelled in every one but chose to keep trying new things (I guess I still do that - I don't stick with things I can do---I guess I like a challenge). I went to art school (which I wish they would have talked me out of - it didn't help me get a job after graduation), and I had a few singing lessons after I made state choir. But they loved me for whoever I turned out to be..... when I showed an interest or talent in something, everything was done to encourage what that was.

It hurts me to read about people that were expected to be what they were not because their parents wanted them to be. Maybe because they were the football star or the prom queen, maybe because they were not....whatever their reasons. Parents, adopted or not, screw up their kids when they push them to be something they are not meant to be. The kids will never feel good enough...they will have no self esteem. I've seen it too often, more in biological children than in adopted. Parents make all the difference in world when it comes to how their children turn out. They can be "good people" but can totally mess up the whole parenting thing...not even trying to.

I saw my parents disagree, have a small argument and then turn around and everything was forgiven and forgotten. There was no screaming, holding grudges, not talking to one another.,,, those kind of games mess kids up, they learn how to have a relationship from example. You have parents that bicker, or don't treat eachother with dis-respect and that's the relationship they will grow up to have. Girls will look for people like their father (whether they like it or not) and guys will be attracted to people like their moms. It's all they know. There are a few exceptions to that but if you really analyse it...it's true. That's why too many women who had an alcoholic father or an abusive one will pick men just like it. Or kids who were abused (and they swear they will NEVER so that to their kids) - wind up being abusive. The example was set and if you don't see it and recognize it, there is no changing it.

I give my parents credit - they were exellent examples. I feel I am the person I am today because of them...%100. I know I've had some comments from some stinkers saying how aweful I am but they don't know me....maybe it's one of the reasons that comments like that don't bother me. I'm pretty sure of myself, if you haven't guessed. My parents gave me a good self-esteem.

No one in my family or my husband's family is divorced....no one in our immediate ot extended family either. That's unsual today. One of my husband's cousin's kids said he is one of three kids left in his school with parents who aren't divorced....yikes! It's interesting, when I found my bios - no one in their families are divorced either. My biodad is actually a good Christian man and is a lay minister at his church. My biomom is still searching but she and her hubby are in about the same place in their journey.

It's funny that adoptees feel thay were pushed into things because their adopted parents wanted them to "be like them".....adopted and biological parents do that....that's just people.

I pray that baby J gets the same love and acceptance from us that we were given growing up. I am so excited to be able to steer her in whatever direction her talents take her.

Watch out for Princess J!

This is another one -- ignore the slide show but the music is "At Last" by EvaCassidy

It's J DAY!

This is the one year anniversary of the day we brought home our sweety....
I’m going to share a few songs I sing to her:

(If I can figure out how to put on more than one video per post)

Pant debt - VENT

Okay, I'm going to be venting in this post - so anyone not wanting to read it - just hit your backspace button and go back to whatever you were doing. I just don't like to leave comments in the anti-adoption blogs, it always looks like bullying - at least what I want to say would be. I've read the same thing on three or four blogs now.

THERE IS NO "I" IN ADOPTION

I could ignore it when the first person wrote it because I know she just has her own philosophies and things she wants to say. But when It starts making it's rounds as some "profound saying", I needed to make my comment about it. I'm sure there are some prosective adopted parents or newly adopted parents who may read it and wonder....."hmmm, no "I" in adoption, that's fantastic - what other words of wisdom can these people impart?", well let me set it straight.

There is an "I" in parenting....but none in parent....so?. There is an "I" in abusive...but none in abuse....so what does that mean? I could say there is no "I" in unhappy adoptee either. It all just is so silly.

There is "OPTION" in adoption....so what does that mean? I could say, it's a sign. I could say - SEE....it IS an option. But I'm not going to make something out of nothing.

Another word there's no "I" in: Therapy

There's a "Me" in treatment....haha. Maybe that means we should all have some?

My point is....don't let anyone tell you that adoption is not a way to make a family. And don't let anyone make you believe it doesn't work. Work through an ethical agency with good credentials and who offers counseling.

Remember, when you re-arrange "adopted parent" you get

"adore pant dept"

Infant Memory

A comment was left by "Julie" that there weren't references on the last study- so here is some more infant memory information .......

This article gives references about studies done on "Infant Amnesia"

This really facinates me because many of the anti-adoption people believe we remember our birthmothers....I'm not taking away from the hardship they have been through but it got me thinking. I felt no connection with my birthmother (she seemed more like a stranger to me). I have said all along that I believe adoption is most difficult for the birthmoms because they remember everything. But memory is an interesting thing. This article was fascinating and the thing that stuck out to me...

The ability to form memories depends on a network of structures in the brain and these develop at different times. As the networks come together between 6 months and 18 months of life, researchers see increased efficiency in the ability to form short- and long-term memory.

This means to me that we do not have the ability to remember before around six months...


This one is about dissociation with memory:


I will continue to research this, it is so interesting.

Infant Amnesia

Someone I know turned me onto this article....very interesting.....
Miss, make sure you read this.

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/world/2007-02/17/content_811598.htm

This is a song about a young mother who wanted a good home
for her child but wanted to be remembered as loving him.
It's not going to hit the charts but it's very sweet.

Miss and other anonymous posters

They think they are clever by having a blogger account with no blog so they can comment. It's funny really. They post on my blog, my feelings about adoption (that are actually the mainstream). At least they are reading....they are seeing that their views are not the only ones out there....that's the purpose of my posting. The funniest thing about it is they don't have the courage to post a link to their own blog. They have so much to say - I'd like to read their posts. But they would rather come on my blog and try to......I don't know what they think they are doing honestly. MISS actually needs to be on medication--or maybe she just needs some much needed sleep.

biological history

As an adoptee I wanted to know medical history and I wanted to know what people, that I was blood related to, looked like. But when I read that people are missing out on their "biological history" I wonder....what does it matter? Who cares. That's just me.

People are sensative about too many things. I know some adoptees have problems but is it all related to them being adopted? I don't know. People will have problems, people adopted and biological will have things that are wrong in their lives....I just can't see blaming adoption.

When you get married you become one....flesh of my flesh. My in-laws are parents, my SILs and BILs are my siblings. When you are adopted it's the same. You take on all the relatives as your own....your not "blood realted" but it doesn't matter. I never had a grandma but when I married (just dating even), I got two grandmas and they were awesome....they could not have been closer if they were "blood related"......

I feel very sorry for people biologically raised or adopted that do not feel close to their family.....is that adoption's fault?

Adoption in the media.....

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BELLA - the movie

This movie is winning all sort of awards (top prize at the Toronto Film festival)

http://www.bellathemovie.com

When considering Adoption:

Positive Language/Negative Language

Birthparent /Real parent
Biological parent/Natural parent
Birth child/ Own child
My child /Adopted child; Own child
Born to unmarried parents/ Illegitimate
Terminate parental rights/ Give up
Make an adoption plan/ Give away
To parent/ To keep
Waiting child/ Adoptable child; available child
Biological or birthfather/Real father
Making contact with/ Reunion
Parent /Adoptive parent
Intercountry adoption/ Foreign adoption
Adoption triad/ Adoption triangle
Permission to sign a release/ Disclosure
Search /Track down parents
Child placed for adoption/ An unwanted child
Court termination/ Child taken away
Child with special needs/ Handicapped child
Child from abroad/ Foreign child