I'm not buying it...maybe I do

I read on another blog( I changed the name of the city):

Ok look if I moved to Dublin this year, and I love Dublin, and I lived there for 1,000,0000 years, I would never be Irish, I would always feel a bit on the outside, I would assimiliate, I would make great friends and have fun times and awful times, just like I would here, I would encounter a prejudice against Americans, I would attach but never become one of.

Okay, what>? I don't understand this analogy at all to prove her point. This was written by an unhappy adoptee and I understand this is the way she feels...she never felt like she fit in, i get it. I honestly believe this is her a parents faults. Her family - they may have even talked all the time about being adopted--- that's the problem. (revised to not sound so mean: I don't know this person and have no idea what her aparents are like....maybe it was her neighbor's fault or the other people she knew...shame on anyone that didn't let her feel "included")

In a way I guess this makes sense because in the mass exodus of Europe to America many people encountered bad experiences and they never felt at home in America....some returned. However, the millions of people that are in America today are desendants of people who found America better than their homeland, they felt more American than the other Americans did. During Cromwell's rein he sent English troops to gaurd the Irish but they were not allowed to talk to them or buy from them, etc. They became more Irish than the Irish themselves...embracing the culture and the people and stayed. They assimilated so well.....hmmm. We are just people then, everyone different....everyone has a different experience! Wow, that WAS a good analogy of adoption! We all have different experiences....

I've been thinking a lot about how some anti-adoptionists think that people who adopt are selfish.

If two people get married and decide to have a child is that selfish? Do they only have the child's best interest at heart?

If a person has infertility and takes drugs or does IVF is that selfish? Are they only thinking about what's best for that child?

And if a couple cannot have a biological child pursues adoption is that selfish? if you say yes --why is it? they don't go and take the child out of the arms of a biomom.....they place them in their waiting arms. They have already made the decision to place and the adopted parents are just accepting what that biomom has already decided to do.

So are all these people selfish because they want a child? Just because one child is raised by a biological mother and one is raised by an adopted mother.....all parents are selfish in that they want a child to love and bring up as a part of their family.

I don't see how anyone can see any different.

My opinion

I think people just want to spread their own misery..."why should they be the only one that is unhappy?" right? These people need a reality check---look at yourselves, take a step back. Spend your time spreading happiness instead of misery and you will find yourself happier. Do things for other people, get out more and volunteer, get counseling. People are inherently evil and only through the grace of God can we be anything close to good. Evil is evil and there are some of you out there that are just plain cruel. You hate that people make you feel like crap but what are you doing? Think about it....why be what you hate? Or is that why you hate it...because it's what you hate about yourselves?

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Doodle - Do

I live in a major Metropolitan area with over a million people. I drive on three major highways to get to work with traffic out the bajanga. Today there was a dead rooster next to the concrete barrier shoulder of the highway...a rooster. I cannot fathom where it came from and I am perplexed....a rooster.

Response to an E-mail

I had sent an E-mail to an adoption Educator I came across on the internet...she puts out a monthy adoption magazine and I mentioned the blogging community and it was suprising when I came across people who were SO against adoption that they want it to end. This was her response:

There have ALWAYS been small (proportionately) groups of visible and angry birthparents. Every generation of new adopting parents "discovers" them. CUB (Concerned United Birthmothers) and other similar groups are over 30 years old and published papers, newsletters, and letter campaigns and made television appearances then! The internet is just a new "venue," not a larger number.

I think overall that adoption has improved vastly since the 1960s for birthparents (and the other triad members) when they and adoptive parents use competent, respectful, adoption professionals who provide excellent education, counseling, and post-placement support (and certainly this does not describe all agencies and adoption attorneys).

I read an article recentlyI found very good about teaching a baby about love...

Most children form deep, loving bonds with their parents and friends from a very early age. Any adoptive parent will tell you, biology is only part of the love story. Young babies bond emotionally with people who give them regular care and affection. In fact, the first step in ensuring that your baby will bond with others is to attend to his needs in a timely fashion and let him know that she's loved. A baby is dependent on caregivers for everything from nourishment to safety, so her initial bond is very strong, explains D'Arcy Lyness, PhD, a child psychologist and psychology editor for KidsHealth.org. It also sets the standard for what a baby expects in later relationships in terms of emotional security, trust, and predictability.

Even though the baby does feel secure in the womb and can feel and hear the outside environment to an extent...it's not just biology that makes the child the person they will be.

Racism

I am not racist - I honestly believe you should judge people on the WAY the are instead of the COLOR they are or how much/little money they have etc. I guess we all have some prejudicism but I don't care what color or race people are. I do judge people on the way they act, the choices they make, the things they do - but I don't treat people bad because of the bad things they do or they wrong choices they make. Okay - with that said .... Why do people in the USA think that America invented Racism? My friend from India is from the very south - he's very dark - he said the dark, southern Indians HATE the northern lighter people. My friend from Iraq hates the Sunni because he is Shiite... My friend from Egypt had to move here becase he is a Christian and he was being discriminated against and could not get a job that would pay enough...even though he is a professor with a doctorate. My husband plays soccer with a guy who is a gypsie and none of the other guys from Europe will not even talk to him.
Palestinians and the Isreali's
The Aboriginal people in Australia,
The Innu in Canada,
even the Inuit in Alaska are mistreated.
My friend from Japan said there are many different groups of Japanese people that just don't like eachother.
The Germans used to have High and Low German speaking people - they did not like eachother at all.
All over Africa - One tribe hates the next
Birthmothers and adoptive parents (just seeing if you're paying attention)
But seriously, there are many more - all over the planet.

So for America to think that we will cure hatred, racism and bigotry is idealistic. There will always be hate in this world because there is sin...if we all do our little part we will make a better world but this is nothing new and we can't expect it all to go away.

Poeple don't listen (or they don't hear)

I just posted a comment on another blog. People don't listen to other people - what they are saying, how they feel. Everyone does have a right to their own feelings...we don't know what people have been through. I try not to tell people they are wrong they way the feel, what they have been through has formed them. I don't like that people try to tell me how I should feel...and I do believe you shouldn't force people to be a certain way. Now I relaize it works both ways - there is a line in the sand you say -"do not cross" and even that is different for most people---so it's difficult. But we should all try to respect eachother and not be mean. This reply was in response to a post by a blogger who had posted on a forum and got shot down:

"don't be suprised at what anyone does or says in any blog or forum. People have strong opinions...I know I do. I respect people for sticking to what they believe but I despise how people manipulate other people to try to make them believe something that isn't true. You have your feelings and you have a right to them...because of your life, your circumstances...be bold and say how you feel - regardless of what anyone says. That is who you are. I am all for reform (as long as people don't go overboard--don't throw the baby out with the bathwater). But, there will always be adoption because there will always be people who cannot care for their children mentally, physically or monitarily. It's a sad fact - in a perfect world everyone would have children and be able to care for them. This is not a perfect world and we have to live here the best we can. People also have to learn to live with the decisions they make, good or bad."

I really think people need to take a step back and see how what they say and do affects others. They are caught up in their own circumbstances and cannot see the forest through the trees.

Adoption Language

I think people do get a little picky with some adoption language but I think we can all agree there are just some terms that are unexceptable...such as: "Gave up", "illigitamate", "unwanted" etc.
I liked this site because it was very clear about all these terms as well as other scams and practices that should not be allowed.

Four Adoption Terms Defined

Natural child: any child who is not artificial.
Real parent: any parent who is not imaginary.
Your own child: any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted child: a natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own

OUR Child

I know this will probably make people mad but it must be said. I talked to some people yesterday about a case that a biomother is fighting for her child....after a year. She has changed her mind and is now "in a better place" in her life. I'm sorry, but if someone came forward now and said my daughter's biomom has now changed her mind I would do everything in my power to fight. This is our child now....we have raised her, cleaned her, sat up with her and loved her beyond anyone's ability to love.....our child. I know there is DNA involved, I know that she carried her in her womb. But, for whatever reason she had at the time...she made her decision and must live with it. We are now her parents. Doesn't anyone care about the adopted parents' hearts? What's best for them? And what's BEST for the child is to continue to know the only parents that child has ever known.....don't mess up the family and especially the child for God sakes!

48 Hours

I watched an old show on WE last night...an old 48 Hours. It was about a baby who had been found under a gazebo wrapped in a towel and a trash bag (1974). The girl had been adopted and had been told she was found in a trashbag...she lived with that her whole life. After her adopted mother died she searched six years, articles in the paper etc....then she registered on BIGHUGS dot com and her biomom registered six months later. They matched them and they filmed the meeting. They were so happy to meet and introduce all family. Then, as what happens with many reunions, the honeymoon period wore off and the biomom has not contacted her since. It was sad but I understood....less i guess because it was the biomom not wanting a relationship but I did understand the feelings. The daughter is okay with it....she got most of her answers.

A parent is for a lifetime

I read another blog today and this quote has stuck with me...

It’s not about “getting pregnant”–it’s about “being a parent”. “Being pregnant” lasts nine months (if you’ve got a smooth pregnancy). “Being a parent”…well, it lasts a lifetime.

DNA

DNA is such a new thing (well, new as far as they can read it now). In the not so distant past it was all about blood type and you couldn't be too sure if a person was really a parent or not. Now they can tell up to 99.99999999999999999999 percent if the child is related biologically to a particular person or not. I did the DNA test with my biodad...he was unsure and needed confirmation. It didn't change my feelings, or how we related to eachother....it was just a test about blood.

Anna Nicole Smith obviously couldn't have cared less who her baby's father was. She probably knew...who knows. But it's funny how fighting for this baby has turned into such a fiasco. If she wasn't worth 100s of millions of dollars I don't think this poor child would have a home at all. DNA has made all the difference for these people....a celebration over who has the same DNA. I don;t think it has changed Larry's feelings about the baby but it sure has made him happy that he will now have a chance at all that money.

We may all be better off without the knowledge of DNA.....

Birthdays

My birthday came and went without too much fan-fare. I got a box in my door with presents for me and little peanut from my biomom. That's very nice and very thoughtful of her but she overstepped her bounds a little by sending a granddaughter card....even the lovey-dovey daughter card was over the top. I know from these blogs that she cares a lot about me and I don't reciprocate but she knows what I have said...she knows how I feel. It has to be frustrating for her but she is pushing me farther away. My husband even said "I don't know about her".

I don't want to hurt her feelings but I have hinted around lately and in the past have come out and told her the situation. My biodad handles everything so much better and he respects my life and my privacy. Why can't she be more like that?

I sent a thank you card on the computer and did not call her. I would hate to stop communication with her but she has the tendency to smother. She sent me a large check and that always makes me uncomfortable. She also sent me a gift certificate worth quiet a bit. I wish she would just be a friend instead.

Happy Easter

The joy of Easter exceeds any sadness, any self doubt, any bitterness....when all in the world shouts of newness and hope. A life everlasting far outweighs any of these troubles on earth. No more sorrow, crying or sadness.....

To all - Happy Easter, I hope your today is filled with the best feelings, the most joy and the least pain!

Paolo Nutini

A cute Scottish (part Italian) boy who really has a unique voice....you can listen to him on his web site: Click here

Nuture vs. Nature

It's an old debate and I don't think we'll all ever agree.... this article is pretty good at explaining both sides. I thought it interesting that sense of humor comes from a learned experience...I definetly have my dad's sense of humor. The conclusion of the article... "While a gene may increase the likelihood that you'll behave in a particular way, it does not make people do things. Which means that we still get to choose who we'll be when we grow up."

Meet the Robinsons - A Disney movie in BAD taste!

I was sent the following message from our agency and I will have to say, it doesn't surprise me that Disney can be so insensative.....

We feel that it is important to warn you about a Disney movie called "Meet the Robinsons" that is now playing at many local cinemas. The advertising for this animated feature makes it sound like a great movie for any young child. Fortunately, one of our adoptive parents alerted us about the negative adoption messages in the story and the very unhappy experience she had with both of her children who were very greatly disturbed by the messages conveyed in this film. As a result, I went to see the film to decide if it warranted putting out an alert to our adoptive parent community. Indeed, I thought that the concerns raised
were completely valid. The movie is filled with extraordinarily inappropriate messages about adoption. The basic story is about an adorable baby whose birthmother
leaves him on the doorstep of an orphanage. Portrayed as loving, sweet, extremely smart and overly appealing, he spends the next 12 years of his life wanting a family and being turned down by one family after another - in all, 114 couples refuse to adopt him. One scene shows a prospective dad losing interest in adoption because this very smart little boy is more interested in science than sports. The prospective parents leave the disappointed child in a huff when he accidently splatters them with some liquid from his science project. This is supposed to be funny.

Since no one else wants him, the child invents a time machine in order to go back in time to find his birth mother. The "bad guy" in his time travel journey turns out to be his best buddy from childhood, once his orphanage roommate. Now an emotional wreck resulting from being left behind when the orphanage was closed and shut down, the once-cute orphan is now mean and devious. Another chuckle. Various monsters attack the child as he continues his birth mother search. You get the picture ! I found "Meet the Robinsons" to be both tasteless and totally insensitive regarding adoption issues. Please think very carefully before taking your child to see it, whether adopted or not. I will write the Disney Corporation to let them know about my concerns about their flippant way of dealing with issues that are extremely important and not funny for millions of adoptees and their families in this country and around the world.

Feel free to share this message with anyone who you feel might benefit from knowing about this warning.

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalms 139:15-16

Saw this on another blog and it really was something from my heart:

Our First Father knew us long before we were ever conceived. And He had a plan and purpose for our lives before we even took our first breath. Our compassionate, loving dad has been with us continually, protecting us in the womb, rejoicing over us with singing the day of our birth and adoption! And His promise to never leave us or abandon us fills us with Hope and purpose for all the precious tomorrows He has planned for our lives.
Rejoice today in knowing Who you are and Whose you are- God's child!

Divorce and the Children

I've never had anyone in my family, or any of my friends get a divorce. But, I worked with a woman who was already divorced when I met her. It was a bad divorce and the kids suffered. There were hard feelings on all sides and they lived with those feelings every day--it defined who they were and determined their actions...it was hard to watch.

My neighbor, on the other hand, was divorced when she moved in and the ex-husband came over all the time, the kids enjoyed being with them together or separately...it seemed a perfect solution to a bad situation. Everyone getting along - the exes...the new spouses, all the kids. It was nice to see them all get along. No one thought of divorce every day, no one seemed the worse for wear. They had decided to be kind to one another and treat eachother with respect.

That's how I see adoption a little bit. There are those who just can't seem to live with it, it defines them. Probably because of the circumstances, the people involved, etc. Then, there are those who are not affected by the circumstances, they don't think about it much because it has not had the bad affects on them, and the people involved are different.

All of us are made differently, affected differently by different things. I was brought up being told I was the most wonderful child, they let me make mistakes but praised me for whatever I did. I wrecked the car but my father praised me for wearing my seatbelt. I burned the bacon but they told me how good the eggs were. I guess it was just not a "train wreck" life to talk about. I almost feel guilty that I had a great life. I've been on church retreats and women are talking about how bad their parents were to them and when it comes to me I really don't have anything to say....

So, when people question me and say my life sounds a little too perfect...it wasn't THAT perfect. I did stupid things as a teenager and I talked back and fought for independance growing up. But, I guess my life was pretty great and I'm (dare I say) grateful that I had so many people around me to love me and treat me so well. It's difficult for most people to believe that I am genuine but...that's everyone else's problem. I want to give my daughter just as great of a life as I had.

There are others out there

I got a message from a potential adopted mom and she is also an adoptee - she wrote a very nice comment andshe feels the same I do. One thing she wrote really struck home:

Most importantly, adoption doesn't define me as an adoptee and I won't let it define my child. After reading negative blog after negative blog I am so thrilled to be reading your's. Thank you, I found this at a time I really needed to.

This is the reason I don't just chuck it all in and let eveyone else wallow in their misery....This is why I post the things I do and let mean people leave crappy comments. I wantwaiting adopted moms to read that it's not all bad...there are happy people who are adopted and happy.

Since people are quoting me latley...I will quote myself from February of last year - pre-baby ( i still feel this way):

I didn't want to do an international adoption because at some point, later in their lives, i want them to be able to find their bios and get their medical histories, see what they look like, meet their 1/2 siblings, etc.....like I did.

My own bio is nice, she has realized i don't want much more than an aquaintenship and she respects that - even though she wants much more. I feel sorry for her - she carried me in her for 9 months, held me, fed me and gave me up. I don't remember her, don't know her and don't feel close to her. But she doesn't hate everyone because of that. She is at peace knowing she did the right thing - they both think i've turned out much better than they could have done...... sometimes it's more than just about you....It's about a child's life...... no matter the cost

Mean Girls revisited

It's interesting how many people backed off (except a few anonymous cowards) when I wrote about mean girls. Maybe a few realized they are mean but most mean people don't realize they were/are mean. They live their lives making a pathway of misery for people and never know it. They may never know that people talk about them behind their backs about how they aren't liked because of their "sucky" attitudes. I have seen it with my own eyes...all talking and laughing and the minute one of them walks away...the other girls talk about how they "can't stand her".....I hate that. I am who I am and am no different behind closed doors.

I was recently at a high school reunion and some of the "mean girls" were there. The first thing I noticed is they were "worn" looking, tired, haggard. It's work being mean and holding animosity towards the world. What made them be that way? Was it bad parents? Was it bad relationships? Something to prove? Maybe they are just sad, hurt and want relief by causing other people to hurt worse.... I don't know. A few must have had revelations and they had become different, they even looked different around the eyes - not so hard.

I graduated in a class of 99 and there were only about 50 there but there was a good mix of the jocks, mean girls and the "brains". One girl works now for NASA. She worked in Russian for a long time on the space station, she married a goat farmer from Turkey...she was the Valedictorian and weighed about 340 pounds in high school. She was one of the nicest girls, we were friends but the mean girls taunted her back then. She's now about 135 pounds and cute as a button...guess who flocked around her? Guess who wanted now to be her friend? She hung out with us most of the night...she wanted no part of them, but was cordial. The mean girls had a deep affect on her and I'm sure they will never know how they hurt her or care.

We live in different worlds, them and I. We think differently, act differently. They still are difficult, hateful and shrewish at times. I guess we can all get that way - but to them, it's a way of life--but they don't see it. We all see it from the outside looking in.....most of the bad comments are from people who are just the same. They see themselves as normal, happy people but they are not. They live to tear others down so that they feel better about themselves. The worse the comments are the worse I feel for them...how bad and miserable their lives must be.

They will never know that they are a mean girl.

UPDATE:
I deleted this post - but I will list it here...it makes me laugh. I don't go on their blogs (well this smart alec says she doesn't have one - but I know who it is) and bad mouth them and bring them down - but she is accusing me of being a mean girl...makes me laugh....

you are mean. and hateful and two faced and a liar and you want your daughter to lie to your fake parents about knowing your real parents. you truly make me sick. i dont have a blog. i do not want one. so i remain anonymous.

My Friend

I have a friend who is a bio mom. She is a Christian and has a great husband and a beautiful daughter who is the BEST kid (they really did a great job with her!). A few years ago she wrote a letter to the agency that helped her with the placement of her son. After making sure it was okay with him and his a-parents, they gave her a phone number and she got to talk with him. They called each other periodically the last few years to talk about their lives. It's not my business to write details about their relationship but I do know she is at peace with the decision she made that many years ago. She thinks of him, of course. She wonderes about his life, I'm sure. But she has been a big influence in my life. I think we have helped each other really....I hope. We have talked about our feelings-- all that adoption does, can do, what it SHOULD be about. Mostly though, she is just my friend. She "gets me", I "get her"....we don't smother each other, we are not needy, we both have a weird sense of humor we don't need to explain.

You have many acquaintances in your life but few good friends.....I'm lucky to have her.

Is Anyone Else Concerned?

We have had a government capture allied soldiers and hold them....forcing them to confess to a crime they did not commit (Even the numbers they gave the British showed they were NOT in their waters). Instead of doing anything about it...the British Government is "upset", the presidential hopefuls are silent (on both sides), and Nancy Pelosi has gone over to Bagdad to meet with Nouri al-Maliki as some "goodwill ambassador"? And she will meet with Syrian leaders, when she visits Damascus this week, to have "peace talks". Who is she? Jessie Jackson? She just decides to go over to Alqida supporters and talk to them? She should be tried for treason meeting with alqida and sympathizing with them. How dare she... And NO ONE reports it...the liberal media step back and doesn't say a word......ARG!