Tuesday, April 03, 2007

There are others out there

I got a message from a potential adopted mom and she is also an adoptee - she wrote a very nice comment andshe feels the same I do. One thing she wrote really struck home:

Most importantly, adoption doesn't define me as an adoptee and I won't let it define my child. After reading negative blog after negative blog I am so thrilled to be reading your's. Thank you, I found this at a time I really needed to.

This is the reason I don't just chuck it all in and let eveyone else wallow in their misery....This is why I post the things I do and let mean people leave crappy comments. I wantwaiting adopted moms to read that it's not all bad...there are happy people who are adopted and happy.

Since people are quoting me latley...I will quote myself from February of last year - pre-baby ( i still feel this way):

I didn't want to do an international adoption because at some point, later in their lives, i want them to be able to find their bios and get their medical histories, see what they look like, meet their 1/2 siblings, etc.....like I did.

My own bio is nice, she has realized i don't want much more than an aquaintenship and she respects that - even though she wants much more. I feel sorry for her - she carried me in her for 9 months, held me, fed me and gave me up. I don't remember her, don't know her and don't feel close to her. But she doesn't hate everyone because of that. She is at peace knowing she did the right thing - they both think i've turned out much better than they could have done...... sometimes it's more than just about you....It's about a child's life...... no matter the cost


Third Mom said...

One of the hardest things about communicating about adoption is that it is an emotional experience, but no single emotion fits all. It's hard, for sure.

Joy said...

"Most importantly, adoption doesn't define me as an adoptee and I won't let it define my child. After reading negative blog after negative blog I am so thrilled to be reading your's. Thank you, I found this at a time I really needed to."

Petunia, I am not playing at all, and I hope you are not playing with me, and I should be in bed, but I am not, I do want to say, forgive my length.

The above quote, how can adoption not define her as an adoptee, because she wouldn't be an adoptee without being adopted?

But whatever, what disturbs me is saying she will not allow her child to be defined either, by her child's adoption.

Are we from such different worlds that what I find disturbing, "I won't let it define her..." is not disturbing to you?

Don't you wish you could share everything in your heart with your adoptive parents without making them cringe, or you feel guilty?

Don't you wish that your daughter would want to share the same with you?

My son is named after a poet, his cousin is named after a football player, when my son was about 2 weeks old it was apparent to me which boy was the poet, which boy was the football player, my son being the athlete. (They were born within days of each other) Well I hated the idea of him being a football player, but I thought it more important to support and love him, vs. what I wanted to define him as kwim?

I wanted him to be accepted and loved for who he was where he was. In my way of thinking, that is what a parent does, is like a guide, and cheerleader, but mostly a cheerleader, let me as a parent support you, the child in what is important to you whatever that is.

That being a parent is not about my needs first, not about my needs at all. But about loving and cherishing the child that is, not the child I wished for.

It makes me sad to think of parents deciding that they will define their child's relationship with adoption, instead of just supporting however it manifests. It makes me sad because I see how that has affected my life and how guilty I have felt at times, and how at times my relationship with my aparents has felt like an unwelcome obligation.

Other times they have been great, and I do love them. But I wonder P. you say so many hurtful to so many people things here. We adoptees who are not like you are messed up, bios don't matter etc.

Maybe it is not that simple, maybe we all matter, and are just different and shouldn't be mocked or dismissed and that is okay too?

Anonymous said...

I am the one who made that comment Joy. Adoption is not ALL of me and that is what I was saying. There is SOOO much more to me than this one piece of me. How you could possibly take that and imply that I won't openly support that part of them is absurd. Adoption wasn't a taboo subject growing up, we could talk about it whenever wanted and our parents brought it up as well. With our children we intend to do the same, create an open dialogue with them and support and appreciate who they are and ALL the little pieces that make them who they are. But they will not be entirely defined by adoption...I am more than just an adopteee.

petunia said...

I do appreciate where you are coming from. You have had a bad experience because you were adopted so it does define you...being adopted is a big part of who you are/are not. I am sorry that you have had such a bad time of it. We are different in that because I had a wonderful adoption so being adopted was not who I was, I didn't think about it much at all. It is part of me like being 1/16 French...it just doesn't matter that much in the sceme of things. At some point you want to know more about your heritage and just like I did, at 23 I found my bios. My daughter will be able to ask any questions about her adoption and after she is 18 she will be able to meet her bio mom if she wants to. I can see that this would be difficult to understand if you have had a difficult life and dreamed about meeting your biological family all your life. I didn't ...we'll just have to see how she feels.

Friend of Jesus said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Absolutely Petunia, for those who've had a horrible experience it would most certainly be what consumes your thoughts and becomes the defining moment/piece of your life. That's definitely heart breaking. I was blessed to have a great experience and because of that adoption became a healthy part of me and I hope that's the cause for our child too, we'll be there for them no matter what.

ani said...

I used to say that adoption did not define me, in fact I was adamant about it.

I am not so sure anymore,


ani said...

I have a question do you guys have a semi or closed adoptions,

and what if your daughter want to know her bmom sooner Petunia, why does she have to wait untell she is 18. Just curious.


petunia said...


My daughter's biomom wanted a semi-open adoption. She did not tell any of her family she was even pregnant. That was her choice. One day I hope my daughter can meet her. #1 - 18 is the age she can legally open the records in my state and #2 I don;t think people are emotionally ready until they are adults.

ani said...

Thankyou for your answer if I were to adopt I would make sure it was semi open. So I can respect that.I think open adoption is a great thing but I just could not handle it, and I know it is not about me, it would be about my child, but I also think it would be hard for them. Also on bmom, it can work for a lot of people. But maybe for me because it could bring up a lot of issues, maybe that is why I just can not adopt.

I am not sure about waiting tell they are 18, I am not really sure how semi works, I have a good idea. I would see how it went and see how things developed. It is my idea that some of them can be flexable is need be. Or if the bmom is willing. So I suppose that I would take it as it came.Depending on the childs maturity, but I also believing in being honest from the getgo and that makes it easier. But hopefully parents keep communication open enough that they know what their kids can handle and what they can't just by asking them.


ani said...

sorry for typos,,