Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Response to an E-mail

I had sent an E-mail to an adoption Educator I came across on the internet...she puts out a monthy adoption magazine and I mentioned the blogging community and it was suprising when I came across people who were SO against adoption that they want it to end. This was her response:

There have ALWAYS been small (proportionately) groups of visible and angry birthparents. Every generation of new adopting parents "discovers" them. CUB (Concerned United Birthmothers) and other similar groups are over 30 years old and published papers, newsletters, and letter campaigns and made television appearances then! The internet is just a new "venue," not a larger number.

I think overall that adoption has improved vastly since the 1960s for birthparents (and the other triad members) when they and adoptive parents use competent, respectful, adoption professionals who provide excellent education, counseling, and post-placement support (and certainly this does not describe all agencies and adoption attorneys).

19 comments:

LeRoy Dissing said...

I am not so sure I agree with this adoption educator. Again, she doesn't cite statistics except to say a small number (wonder where she even got that idea from?). I would love a study done to determine just what the percentage is of unhappy birth parents and adoptees out there. I think it is much higher than anyone cares to admit or suggest...but then I have no data to back that up either.

Anonymous said...

adoption sucks, just plain sucks. i dont care how many people feel that way...i do...it is overwhelming, it has ruined my life. why doesn't that matter to anyone, why doesn't that affect adoptive parents in anyway? i only hang on to this life, purely for the child i am raising at home, if not for her, i would have no desire to continue living without my firstborn. it is that bad. and NO ONE in the adoption community even hinted that this is how someone might feel, that maybe 30 years ago one bithmother felt this way. petunia, you go on and on how happy you are, but why does your happiness with adoption outweigh my misery with it?!?!?! it sucks, it hurts. nothing else life has throw at me begins to compare.

Anonymous said...

I was raised by my natural parents and have never felt unconditional love and acceptance. Even as an adult, I know that they don't love me like they should. Now that could be a study. I am just trying to make my family different.

There are those who have been hurt by adoptive parents, to be sure, but same can be said for 'natural' parents.

I placed my son, over 20 years ago, and my life is not ruined, nor is his. (We are in touch as of age 19) I wish my circumstance way back in the 80's would have been different, but they weren't. I made a choice, on my own, not perfect, but better than the alternatives. And he lives and thrives today because of it.

Life is not always easy and sometimes very difficult. I don't want to say any 'PollyAnna' things, so I will just leave it at that. I will say that my imperfect faith has helped me survive a lot of my life's drama's.

Kime

petunia said...

Anonymous at 10:26,

To you, adoption is bad...that is your reality. There is nothing anyone can do to change what happened to you...and I am sorry. I don't think there are very many biomoms that are happy with what they had to do - all there is-is a peace they can find with what their circumbstances made them turn to. There are more adoptees that are happy and content (yes, there are some bad experiences) - but it's the "nature of the beast" and it's to be expected...they did not have to live through the trauma of the decision and relinquishment....they have only known a family that loves them. To me, my reality is a happy good life but I'm not so niave to think everyone has had such good fortune. I AM, however, realistic and look at a broad picture...I guess my life has given me that freedom.

Anonymous said...

Kime,
You are very wise. I enjoyed your comment. You are not alone in your thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Just thought I would copy this here for you Kime.......since you are oh so happy to have given your son away....makes me sick.

Anonymous said...
I love that many birth"mothers" use the term "natural mother." What was so natural about giving the baby up or letting other people coerce the baby away from you? Pure garbage. If you love your child, you fight tooth and nail to stay with that child. If you don't, there is nothing natural about you.

7:18 AM

petunia said...

Anonymous 6:31 - you are full of crap....
Kime made a decision based on her age, her circumbstances and her love for her child. She knew she couldn't provide what that child needed. You may even be a person who believes abortion is better than giving a child a chance at a good life. Shame on you for even writing this comment - don't biomoms HATE when people think that of them? When people assume bad things about them? ---Kime never wrote she was happy about her decision-- she has written, however, that she knew it was the best decision for that time and she has found peace with what she had to do. She sounds like a happy, well adjusted person--unlike yourself.

Anonymous said...

anon,
I am sorry you are so bitter. I am sure you went through hell.

I don't need to justify the choice I made all those years ago. It was a difficult one, for sure. Lots and lots of circumstances that you couldn't even imagine. There was no perfect solution, just a safer answer.
Hope you can find peace where you are, despite whatever you have suffered in the past.
Kime

Anonymous said...

It's comical that your "expert" used CUB as an example of one if the bad groups out there. It's a support group for birth parents. Hmm... birth parents don't need/deserve support?
So support groups are bad guys now.
That's funny.

petunia said...

I think the point is that it's not JUST a support group but it is a group that likes to get people all worked up about how bad all adoptions are.

Paragraphein said...

Um yeah, CUB is NOT anti-adoption. They do NOT get people riled up about "how horrible adoption is."

Sounds like a totally washed up adoption pro. One of the "birthparent counselors" at the highly UNethical agency I relinquished through said the same thing about CUB... so I have to wonder, what's this pro's agency all about?

"they did not have to live through the trauma of the decision and relinquishment...."

This is a joke, right? The adoptees--the ones RELINQUISHED--didn't have to live through the relinquishment?

You do know you were present at your relinquishment, don't you, Petunia?

You do know that you got used to one woman's voice for months, her heartbeat, her smell, and then all of a sudden everything that was familiar to you was ripped away from you, at a point in time where there was no way you could possibly understand why?

Do you have ANY compassion for the infant you?

Anonymous said...

A long time ago I made a choice, and that was to place my child up for adoption. It was not a "happy" day. It was horrible for a long time. But at the same time, I knew that he would be safer.(Lots of circumstances packed in that word, safer) That was over 20 years ago. I am not "happy" that I was in such a horrible situation. But I do have peace that I made the right choice at the time.

You shouldn't attack people when you don't know all the circumstances. I am sure if you examined your life, you would find a lot of things that are "unnatural" but could perhaps save your life. It is unnatural that I have to take a synthetic for my thyroid called synthroid. But without it, I would be in horrible shape. It is was unnatural to pump my husband's body full of chemicals to save him from the cancer that wanted to kill him. And he suffers from the effects of the chemo even 16 years later. But, he is alive. Thank God. Most of the food that we consume is unnatural. Even birth control is unnatural. Yes, adoption is unnatural. But, it can save lives.

Bad things happen to us, some of them are because of our own stupid mistakes, and at times it is because of others stupid mistakes. But, we can survive and thrive dispite them. I choose to thrive.

My 'natural' son is alive and well today. And he scoffs at people who are at against adoption. We have talked about this attitude and he is in disbelief. I could have aborted, but didn't. He is happy that I did't abort.

I don't know what happened to you, but I am sure that it was horrible. I hope that you can find someone to talk with about your feelings and all that you have suffered. It is 'natural' too feel anger when you suffer, but you have to go beyond it and find peace. Don't let it 'ruin' your life. You have a family now.

Please don't take anything I have said in a mean way. That is not in my heart at all. I am not trying to fight back or attack. That is not my intention.
My life has not been an easy one. I am not trying to sound like I am better than you or have all the answers. My life has been very messy in fact. You say adoption sucks, for some, it does. For others, it saves them from death.

I hope I didn't add any fuel to your fire. If I did, I will shut up. Because that is not my intention. Not at all.
Peace,
Kime

petunia said...

Paragraphein,

I know you regret your desicion and you are angry about how it happened--I can't blame you for that.
I read your blog, I understand what you are saying. However, you can grasp for it all you want. I do not "miss" the smell of my biomom, the sound of her voice, her heartbeat. I know you want to think that it all makes a huge difference but it doesn't. I heard her voice, I'm sure, I heart her heartbeat, yes. But I also had her indigestion and heard the arguing with her mother (i guess). Does it matter? Not to me. Do I hate her, no. Do I think I was "ripped away" from her.....? She may feel that, I don't. I don't want to sound harsh about it...you (all all biomoms) go through alot but there are a whole lot of adoptees on the blogs out there that are blaming anything bad that goes on in their lives on being "ripped away" from their mothers - and it just isn't true. It's a lot of phychologist bullcrap. They may have had bad lives and bad Aparents - but don't blame it on adoption - blame it on the aparents being bad or bad things they have gone through as a person (not just because they were adopted). Bad things happen to everyone. When they met their biomoms I bet you they didn't take a whiff and think "wow, I really missed that" (little sarcastic sorry). Most adoptees don't feel the "maury povich bond" and if what you are trying to say is true (like subconsciously we feel a bond because of all that)then that would be different and there would be a connection. I do believe there is a response to seeing something in them that is like yourself. I don't even see that - and that may be why I'm more comfortable with my biodad because we have a few similarities in looks.
I'm sorry that I don't feel the way you want me to feel but this is me, I am the adoptee and a biomom cannot tell me what or how I should feel. I know you want all adoptees (especially one that you gave birth to) to feel the bond that you feel.

BB Church said...

" I think overall that adoption has improved vastly since the 1960s for birthparents (and the other triad members) when they and adoptive parents use competent, respectful, adoption professionals who provide excellent education, counseling, and post-placement support (and certainly this does not describe all agencies and adoption attorneys)."

Adoption professionals who denigrate women, like those in CUB, taking credit for changes in adoption practices are like Strom Thurmond taking credit for the Civil Rights movement. Adoption changed because the Pill, Roe v Wade and the Murphy Brown phenomenon meant that fewer women became pregnant, fewer women carried to term if they didn't wish to keep the child, and more single women kept their children. If the adoption industry didn't change their marketing strategies there would be far fewer babies to sell. Hence, "open adoption".
I'm an adult adoptee, I don't "hate" my own adoption, but I view the institution and industry of adoption as one that supports and feeds on inequities of class and gender, still. As long as adoption is fee-driven, it's going to be exploitive.

Nicole said...

Petunia, you are missing the point.

"I do not "miss" the smell of my biomom, the sound of her voice, her heartbeat."

I understand you don't miss her now. But once upon a time, you did. Once upon a time, you missed her very much.

Can't you tap into that, try to imagine what it must have been like to have your whole world ripped from you, and find some compassion for the adoptees who still miss their original moms?

petunia said...

I don't take anything away from the adoptees who feel like they have "missed out" or they were "ripped away" from their mothers. I don't like that people say "ALL" adoptees feel that way becasue they don't. I do feel that much of it is brought on by a disappointing life or maybe the fantasy that there was a better life that could have been for them. Not everyone feels the same way about adoption and that's okay.

Nicole said...

Ok, I give up.

You're right, you never ever not once missed your original mom.

And because you never ever not once missed your original mom, no one else should, either.

And the people who do miss their moms deserve your judgment.

You win.

petunia said...

you have obviously NOT read anything I wrote - I'm actually saying that to everyone else...I don't have to feel the way YOU do. That doesn't mean you can't feel that way....you must pay attention.

Amanda said...

I have to be honest, here.. I'm adopted and I wouldn't trade my life or what I have for anything in the world. My birthmother was 15 and on welfare. My adoptive parents are financially and emotionally stable... and they love and adore me more than anything in this world. My adoptive mother couldn't have children and she waited for years to adopt one. She ended up with two children, both adopted.

I have no desire to meet my birthmother. Not because I'm bitter or angry. I'm actually grateful and thankful. But because I'm happy. I love my family. I have received a great education. My parents have provided for everything I have ever needed, and more unconditional love than anyone I've known. If I did happen to meet my birthparents, I would NEVER call them my parents. My adoptive parents ARE my parents... nobody else.

And as for the argument that all adoptees miss their birthparents... that's not true at all. I never did. How can I miss someone I never even knew?