Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Birthdays

My birthday came and went without too much fan-fare. I got a box in my door with presents for me and little peanut from my biomom. That's very nice and very thoughtful of her but she overstepped her bounds a little by sending a granddaughter card....even the lovey-dovey daughter card was over the top. I know from these blogs that she cares a lot about me and I don't reciprocate but she knows what I have said...she knows how I feel. It has to be frustrating for her but she is pushing me farther away. My husband even said "I don't know about her".

I don't want to hurt her feelings but I have hinted around lately and in the past have come out and told her the situation. My biodad handles everything so much better and he respects my life and my privacy. Why can't she be more like that?

I sent a thank you card on the computer and did not call her. I would hate to stop communication with her but she has the tendency to smother. She sent me a large check and that always makes me uncomfortable. She also sent me a gift certificate worth quiet a bit. I wish she would just be a friend instead.

17 comments:

Friend of Jesus said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Addie Pray said...

Just one question, Petunia, Did you cash the check?

Anonymous said...

she is not your friend, she is your mother. she gave you life. keep it simple stupid

kime said...

Anon,
Why are you so rude? Petunia has a biological connection, but not a shared history with her birth mother. She is just being honest about her feelings on this blog. Your method of attacking is not going to change anyone's mind.

Kate said...

My heart goes out to you, this is such a difficult situation. I've never met my husband's birth parents but my husband has had some 'phone/letter contact in recent years, during which his birth mother has said how much she is looking forward to having grandchildren through him - he has found that so hard as that mother-son relationship is just not what they have. He does feel a connection to her, but it is very different from the bond he has with the parents who cared for him and brought him up. I think your birth mum has overstepped the mark - but maybe it is from guilt and sadness that she couldn't/didn't share all that love with you as you were growing up.

Anonymous said...

Wiould it bother you if she sent nothing for your birthday?

You state you would prefer her to act as a "friend". Please elaborate.

Perhaps she sends gifts because it makes HER happy, first and foremost.

Hopefully it's not due to her feeling obligated to.

Thanks!

petunia said...

First of all - "anonymous #1", you are a fool. You won't use your name - you tell me something I already know--and then you call me a silly 3rd grade name?

She is my friend more than a mother--she is only my "mother" because she gave me my DNA-- I don't know her.

Addie, I did not cash the check...If I do, I would put it in my daughter's savings...it was addressed to her.

Kate...people don't understand that - thank you for sharing. The mean people are biomoms that are sure that we all want to leave our adopted moms and cling to a woman we don't even know. I feel sorry for them because they do remember the child they placed- it's just hard for them to not get those feelings in return. I would like if she only sent me a card for my birthday---I send her flowers on my birthday every year.

Anonymous said...

I realize you don't consider your birthmom your "mother". That is your right, your decision. Let me rephrase my question.

How does a birthmom stay behind the boundaries and act like a friend? What should a birthmom do or not do?

I'm sure your bmom appreciates the flowers. That is very thoughtful of you.

I'm sorry you have been singled out by some who insist on telling you how you should feel. Perhaps they would be happiest if they would concentrate on their own feelings and their own lives rather than trying to control others.

Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I actually enjoyed this post because it really said a lot about your own feelings about your adoption. Feelings you are completely entitled to.

You have every right to feel whatever you feel about your first mom.

It sounds like you handles it with grace.

An Adoptee who is sick of birthmom crap said...

You have the right to your feelings. Your birth"mother" is not your mother. She lost that title when she relinquished you (no sob stories about coercion please. Any woman who can't figure out how to stop her baby from being taken shouldn't be parenting a child). I especially love the birth"mothers" who sit around and wonder why "their" children don't want to meet them or haven't arranged a meeting in a couple of years. Could it be that they are just not interested? Oh, listen to the whining of the birth"mothers" start.

petunia said...

An another adoptee...
Where I understand where you are coming from I must say I try hard not to judge the biomom's feelings just as I hope they don't judge mine. I cannot blame them for feeling sad that their birthchild does not want more from them, but when they relinquished their paternal rights...they relinquished more than I think they bargained for. There but for the grace of God...anyone of us may have been in the same position. I will say that their positions are quite harsh when it comes to our feelings about the matter...it's hard to accept that we don't want the same things.

Anonymous said...

Petunia, I am sorry that some people feel the need to insult your feelings. I think you are right that many biomoms feel such strong feelings that they have a really hard time stepping back and reflecting on what their children are needing.

This is the case for parents who parented a child too. Sometimes children that you parented feel that they are in a place where they aren't looking for a lot of parental involvement and mothering, and need to have that space.

I think that biomoms need to remember what all mothers have to remember, you gave your child all the love you had to give. And if adoption wasn't the right choice for you, than it is a big loss, but it isn't one that a child has the power to heal. All you can do is remember that you still have all the connecion any mother has, which is knowing that you gave what you believed to be the biggest most loving gift that you had to offer.

And remember that that matters, even if your child is not able to reflect that, or show appreciation for that. (What child truly shows a parent all the appreciation they deserve? That's what children do, take all they can from their parents and then live their lives.)

If you are lucky, you might have a child that respects the gifts that they have recieved from all parents and all the love they have been given from everyone in their life. Children (and grown children) all vary in family loyalty and ways that they express their love for their family members.

I do think your biomom might NOT be aware of how you are feeling. Even if you have told her that you want something that is more of a friendship, she might give these kinds of gifts to close and dear friends and believe that she is just showing she cares about you and your child.

It may help if you have a conversation with her that this is a gift that you feel is a bigger gift than you are used to giving or recieving between friends and you aren't sure how to respond. Just let her know how you are feeling (possible again) in light of this particular situation.

And it might help to let her know that you do enjoy having a friendship with her, in that form, and look forward to continuing a relationship that is in that light.

I am glad that you demonstrate such caring for your biomom, and are thinking hard about what she may be going through in how you interact with her. While it is really important to remember that that doesn't mean you have to try to appease her, it just might help you be able to negatiate between the two of you to a place that feels really comfortable and genuine.

This can take a lot of time! And it can seem to "relapse" and take ongoing cultivating. I know it can be very difficult when you feel like as the child in the situation, you are having to do more negotiate between feelings than a "parent" or what have you is able to do. That is really hard!! I think USUALLY it is worth it, but you do have to decide that for yourself in your own particular situations.

Good luck!

-Rox

Anonymous said...

to an adoptee who is sick,
perhaps your birthmom had a sixth sense about you when she gave you away....she said i dont need this ingrate in my life, i will give him away for someone else to raise. she may not see it, but, wow, did she make the right choice. incidently i am also adopted. my search has only begun for my real family.....

petunia said...

anonymous right above...maybe your birthmom was smart too...maybe don't complicate her life finding her....wow--what a crappy personality someone gave you!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, you sound like an oh-so-bitter birth"mother" impersonating an adoptee. Another mentally ill wacko.

Anonymous said...

last i checked i was indeed adopted.thanks though for thinking i would make it up. i am not a mother. i am only 19 and have intention on becoming a mother any time soon. i have too much going on in my life right now. thanks for making me feel more alone than i already did. wow, what a great feeling.

petunia said...

When you're mean you isolate yourself.