Mean Girls revisited

It's interesting how many people backed off (except a few anonymous cowards) when I wrote about mean girls. Maybe a few realized they are mean but most mean people don't realize they were/are mean. They live their lives making a pathway of misery for people and never know it. They may never know that people talk about them behind their backs about how they aren't liked because of their "sucky" attitudes. I have seen it with my own eyes...all talking and laughing and the minute one of them walks away...the other girls talk about how they "can't stand her".....I hate that. I am who I am and am no different behind closed doors.

I was recently at a high school reunion and some of the "mean girls" were there. The first thing I noticed is they were "worn" looking, tired, haggard. It's work being mean and holding animosity towards the world. What made them be that way? Was it bad parents? Was it bad relationships? Something to prove? Maybe they are just sad, hurt and want relief by causing other people to hurt worse.... I don't know. A few must have had revelations and they had become different, they even looked different around the eyes - not so hard.

I graduated in a class of 99 and there were only about 50 there but there was a good mix of the jocks, mean girls and the "brains". One girl works now for NASA. She worked in Russian for a long time on the space station, she married a goat farmer from Turkey...she was the Valedictorian and weighed about 340 pounds in high school. She was one of the nicest girls, we were friends but the mean girls taunted her back then. She's now about 135 pounds and cute as a button...guess who flocked around her? Guess who wanted now to be her friend? She hung out with us most of the night...she wanted no part of them, but was cordial. The mean girls had a deep affect on her and I'm sure they will never know how they hurt her or care.

We live in different worlds, them and I. We think differently, act differently. They still are difficult, hateful and shrewish at times. I guess we can all get that way - but to them, it's a way of life--but they don't see it. We all see it from the outside looking in.....most of the bad comments are from people who are just the same. They see themselves as normal, happy people but they are not. They live to tear others down so that they feel better about themselves. The worse the comments are the worse I feel for them...how bad and miserable their lives must be.

They will never know that they are a mean girl.

UPDATE:
I deleted this post - but I will list it here...it makes me laugh. I don't go on their blogs (well this smart alec says she doesn't have one - but I know who it is) and bad mouth them and bring them down - but she is accusing me of being a mean girl...makes me laugh....

you are mean. and hateful and two faced and a liar and you want your daughter to lie to your fake parents about knowing your real parents. you truly make me sick. i dont have a blog. i do not want one. so i remain anonymous.

My Friend

I have a friend who is a bio mom. She is a Christian and has a great husband and a beautiful daughter who is the BEST kid (they really did a great job with her!). A few years ago she wrote a letter to the agency that helped her with the placement of her son. After making sure it was okay with him and his a-parents, they gave her a phone number and she got to talk with him. They called each other periodically the last few years to talk about their lives. It's not my business to write details about their relationship but I do know she is at peace with the decision she made that many years ago. She thinks of him, of course. She wonderes about his life, I'm sure. But she has been a big influence in my life. I think we have helped each other really....I hope. We have talked about our feelings-- all that adoption does, can do, what it SHOULD be about. Mostly though, she is just my friend. She "gets me", I "get her"....we don't smother each other, we are not needy, we both have a weird sense of humor we don't need to explain.

You have many acquaintances in your life but few good friends.....I'm lucky to have her.

Is Anyone Else Concerned?

We have had a government capture allied soldiers and hold them....forcing them to confess to a crime they did not commit (Even the numbers they gave the British showed they were NOT in their waters). Instead of doing anything about it...the British Government is "upset", the presidential hopefuls are silent (on both sides), and Nancy Pelosi has gone over to Bagdad to meet with Nouri al-Maliki as some "goodwill ambassador"? And she will meet with Syrian leaders, when she visits Damascus this week, to have "peace talks". Who is she? Jessie Jackson? She just decides to go over to Alqida supporters and talk to them? She should be tried for treason meeting with alqida and sympathizing with them. How dare she... And NO ONE reports it...the liberal media step back and doesn't say a word......ARG!

Mean Girls

Have you ever seen that movie? It's a silly movie about teenage girls. But there were always those girls in school weren't there? They were the ones with the BIG personalities. They were the ones that were the outgoing, nose up in the air, not-so-smart but popular girls. Many of them, a little too "popular". They made life heck on everyone else. They knew what all the answers were (they thought) and flaunted their popularity, reputation, or whatever it took to gain more mean girl friends. They thought everyone should be like them. All of them were shollow inour eyes but it didn't matter in their world. I wasn't one of them, I fought for the underdog, I was a jock, an actress, a singer, a model, in all the clubs and had more meaningful friendships...I had a great highschool experience and didn't let these "mean girls" affect my life. (I also had awesome Aparents who gave me a great self-esteem).

The "mean girls" didn't change, they are still out there. You can read the comments on my posts and see which ones I'm talking about. And if these girls weren't the "mean girls" in high school they are want-to-be mean girls now. They still live in their own little worlds, they still think everyone should be like them or they will try to make people's lives hell.

It still doesn't bother me.

Why do people think I must feel like them to be normal?

Someone now has accused me of NOT being adopted...I just laughed. Yes, I must confess..... I set this blog up to write about adopting my daughter and was bombarded by commentors and reading other blogs about how terrible all the adoptees have it. I put myself out there to be bombarded, critisized and called names to tell people there really ARE happy adoptees....but it's all made up....Right.

I don't have to defend my Adopted Parents. They are wonderful people who you only wish you would know. They have let me always be me - they have NEVER told me I shouldn't search, they have never told me that my bios were bad. We never found a need to talk about it much AT ALL. I had all the non-identifying info by 18 and Catholic Charities was great about putting me in a family with the same background. I guess it's very difficult for people to believe I'm happy..... so now - I must not have been adopted at all.

Well, then don't read this blog, have a good time wallowing and stay blinded...... It's not for you anyway....this blog is to tell people that are looking to adopt that it DOES work and their children will most likely be happy, well adjusted adults.

My Comment about the previous post

I am re-posting a comment I left on my last post. Someone asked why I care if people are so angry about adoptions..... I answered

"Because there are hundreds of potential adopted mothers who are checking out blogs to see how adoptees feel. I want them to know that there are happy adoptees - more happy than not. It's fine that people tell about their bad adoptions and about the bad agencies. It's good to know what not to do....what to look for...but let's be honest...the percentages of bad experiences are very high on the blogs.

I am going to repeat myself here but just because people look (for their bios) and there are organizations for reunion - this DOES NOT (necessarily) mean people are upset by their adoptions or that they have been psychologically damaged in any way. This is curiosity - as an adoptee myself, I know what that is myself. I am also not saying you are wrong in the way you believe or that there are NO bad adoptions.
I just REALLY DISAPPROVE of people using their own experiences to PROVE that everyone feels the same way they do.
You can keep saying that that 6 million number ( adoptees in the country) doesn't matter but it does. There could be 10,000 people that have had bad experiences and, as bad as it sounds, that is a drop in the bucket. It's 10,000 too many, granted, but not that many in the scheme of things. Should those 10,000 be mad? YES
Should they work for change? Maybe
What about the 20 million who have had terrible bio parents? and 1/2 the country's kids who are victims of parents divorcing? 1/2 of those kids are messed up too....we have a country of messed up kids but thank goodness there are some good one's out there and the percentages of a potential bio moms finding a GOOD family for their child are very high"

For those of you with bad experiences...try to celebrate the good. I know you are angry and you should be. If you were not adopted maybe your life would have been just as bad or worse...have you thought about that? It may have been better too....we will never know. I'm sure there are kids out there who were treated poorly by their bioparents and prayed they WOULD have been adopted.

Let's celebrate the good that comes from adoption...there are 100s of a-moms on blogs who are great moms and have great kids! There are many adoptees out there who have had awesome lives....
And believe it or not, there are some biomoms out there who are at peace with where thier child is....with great adopted parents that they chose for them!

The Blame Game

My parents know that I know I am adopted. We don't really talk about it, I never saw a need. Now that I am an adopted parent they mention things about when they brought me home and how wonderful I was/am (awww). But, I would NEVER (as one of the commenters mentioned) tell them I have met my bios. I do this out of respect---I NEVER want them to think that the bios are more important than them...because they are NOT. They are friends....the only thing that links us is DNA. They are nice people and we maintain a mutual friendship but that is where it ends. My parents are in their 70s, times were different when I was born...it was all very secret and they were told not to talk about anything. There are still some things that are private....they have them too.

My biomom has said she had a fantasy of me joining in her family again one day and at first she felt like that would happen (totally understandable-she fantasized about it for 31 years)....but....she said she realized she didn't know me...I was NOT the baby she handed to the social worker. She knows I have parents and she is happy and at peace now that she knows that I was brought up by great people and I'm a happy, well adjusted adult. She said she finally felt a closure and has stopped smoking and has a great knew job. She's happy. We email back and forth a few times a year and we usually meet for lunch and exchange Christmas gifts in March or April. We are all in a great place----I know most of the people that comment can't believe that there are people out there that are emotionally okay with it all. They want someone to blame for their own unhappiness...

Blaming is a dangerous thing. Psychologists would say we are really blaming ourselves when we blame other people unjustly. I understand many people have been hurt in adoption. Still, the numbers don't add up to show that it's such a high percentage we should get rid of it all together. It has worked for too many people. There will always be those who are forced to do something they do not want to do....that is sad.
Am I blaming birthmothers who are forced? NO
Am I blaming birthmothers at all? NO
Can we blame MOST adopted parents? NO
Can we blame people who are corrupt and abuse a good system? YES

Are there crappy adopted parents like there are crappy bio parents? Absolutely
But how many? You go through all the screening process and tests and fees.....they don't do that to people are going to give birth to children (where is their screening process?). I will dare to say the percentage of good parents that adopt are probably higher than that of bioparents......(I know the abuse is off the charts for bioparents compaired to adopted parents).

One of the commenters wrote "Bio kids are luck of the draw, adopted are not." But that is untrue - do we as adopted parents "hand pick" an adopted child? I think it is the opposite....I would not do drugs or drink or smoke when pregnant but many biomoms do....and they place those babies in our arms and we love them regardsless of what effects that has had on them.

Anywhere there is money to be made - there will be those who take advantage....does it mean it is all bad? I am generalizing and you are all only looking at your own scenario or those that you read on these blogs (the small percentage that have not gone well).

NO ONE is denying your feelings if you were part of the corruption....if you were forced by a crappy father, if you were forced by some money hungry lawyer, if you were manipulated by a crappy agency/social worker or if you felt forced by society....We are all sorry, it should NOT happen.

Blame your fathers, blame the lawyers, blame the agency, blame the world you live in. Don't put blame on everyone else...there are good fathers, good lawyers, good agencies and even society has changed.

Six million adoptees out there mean six million biomoms....... If they were all forced into doing something they didn't want to do.....there would be a larger group speaking out about it (at least on anonymous blogs).

People who are so angry when reading these things have decided that I am saying they are wrong, or lying. I am NOT......but you have to look at the larger picture. There is bad in every situation in life I'm just sorry that you were the victims:
The woman who got the wrong leg amputated, The boy who got shot for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, the man stabbed by a robber, The children abused by an alchoholic father, and on and on. You never think it will be you that suffers the bad stuff. Who are these people going to blame? Instead of writing about how mad they are at everyone else, I hope they blame the people that are really the cause of their suffering and then do something about it......

I will get Blasted but someone HAS to say it!

I've been reading a few blogs by mothers who voluntarily signed to have someone else raise the child they bore. They were talked to, warned, asked, shown the alternatives and they still did it. It is tragic for them, horrible, heartwrenching....I do see that. But, the signature was NOT forced. It was legal, a hundred times they could have said NO....I changed my mind. But now, they are on a crusade.

I, as an adopted mom (but also an adoptee) am offended that now WE are the bad guys because we were there to say....okay, WE will raise this child with all the love that we have. WE will give this child the parents they are being denied. I did NOT pay the biomom of my child, I did NOT force her baby out of her arms. She willingly and knowingly picked us and CHOSE US to raise the child she gave birth to, the child she loved in the womb, the child she loved SO much that she walked into an adoption office (with the father of the child) and said - "We want to put this child up for adoption and we want to pick who she goes to".

YES, the legality of it all sucks, YES the adoption agency gets too much money. They have an office and people working there and bills to pay and legal staff, councilors and social workers to pay....but I STILL think it's too much money. Does THAT have to change? Probably.

But, HOW DARE the bithmothers, biomoms, firstmothers (or whatever is PC at the moment) accuse US - the adopted parents of ANYTHING wrong. We have done nothing but love these children that you claim were "ripped from your arms". You were not concentration camp victims, prisoners or invalids. You may have made a mistake but there is no blame HERE.

Blame the system, blame the lawyers, blame our country, blame society.....but stop blaming us.

For those who say we should abolish Adoption because some people have had really bad experiences- it's like saying we should get rid of prisons because there have been people abused in them and wrongly sentenced or get rid of the military because some of the soldiers have abused their power. Get rid of adoption all together???? that's not going to happen. If people put as much effort into stopping crime, abortion, murders and disease......as they do trying to stop people from adopting.... we would have a better world.

I am an adoptee and an adopted mom and I am proud!!! I am happy and I am proud to be a part of the adoption process!!

Rosie (the windbag) and adoption thoughts

I don't watch "The View", I really could care less what those women's views are....especially the women they have chosen to represent.....

I did see, however, a clip of Rosie O'Windbag talking about how 'evil' Americans were because the military detained women and children at Guantanamo Bay. They were NOT tortured or even treated poorly....in fact, the children were treated nicely while the mothers (who wanted to blow up themselves and their children for their cause) were questioned. They were all released when they got some answers...no harm, no foul.

Yesterday, a car was blown up in the middle of a crowded area in Iraq with two children sitting in the back seat......that's how they got them past the checkpoint. Two innocent children sitting in the backseat of a car.....and their parents (or whoever else was in the car) chose to blow them to smitherines. And at Heathrow, aw hile back, when they thwarted a terrorist attempt....their were women with babies who were going to blow themselves up---one babie was 6 months old.

I'm not compairing any of these Jihadist Muslims to anyone outside their own realm....I am NOT compairing any of them to adoptees or biomoms....if anyone is thinking that. The story just got me thinking about people who are bitter about their situation. I am glad that no one has to deal with families who would put thier children in such peril. I am sure most moms, a-moms and biomoms would think these people are animals....I am grateful that my biomom loved me....I am thankful that people with decency would never think of letting someone blow up their child. This is the most horrendous thing (along with molesting your own child) that someone would do.

As an adoptee and an adopted mom it makes me even more grateful....more thankful, more joyous that children get a chance for a happy life. Moms, biomoms, and a-moms should rejoice we live in a civilized world!

Four Years Ago

Today is the anniversary of the start of the war in Iraq. I am celebrating the lives of the 6,000 some odd people that have perished as a result of Jihad Muslim's hatred against the Christian world.

I DO NOT blame the US government....I applaud them! We have not had another attack in four years. I DOOOOO protest the Jihadist Muslims around the world---NOT the war!

GO servicemen/women....you are needed and appreciated by SO many!

JOY JOY JOY

We all had such a wonderful weekend! Little bits stayed with my mom and dad (only the second time she has had babysitters other than the one during the day -- we take her everywhere), and we saw some St. Patrick's day entertainment at a pub near our old house. Music, poetry reading and storytelling. I got up and told two jokes in my Irish accent and I think they went over pretty well. Time with our friends----we missed her something awful!

She is standing by herself and showing some Independence....It makes me happy and sad. We would like her to be a baby a little while longer, it's such a wonderful time. But my mother once told me...."you have your children to teach them to be independant, happy, well-adjusted adults... training starts day one". They did a great job with me and I hope we are doing a great job with her. She is happy, that's for sure and she is working on her independance....I just pray the well-adjusted part falls into line....

I am a happy person who couldn't ask for much more (other than a lottery win)....

The USERS of Religion

There are those people out there that enjoy twisting the bible to their own wants, needs, desires (there is one imparticular named Lindsay...if that is her real name. She even has the gall to say she is a pastor, haha). We saw it with the cult leaders like Jim Jones and Koresh in Waco, they start with the basics but because of some weird happening - they start twisting around the bible to fit their own needs. Now most are not as crazy as these two guys but people still twist around the bible so it says what they want. Homosexual churches (an oxi moron) do it for sure...Benny Hinn is another. You cannot take what you want from the bible and leave the rest. People tend to do it in everyday life---that's why we have something like %90 of America calling themselves Christians....that's just a joke....most are as much "Christ followers" as Ghandi.

Now, there are things that can be in house debates like infant baptism, the age of the world, etc. Things that are debatable but anyway you look at it are still biblical.

Adoption is one of those things most "normal" Christians have no debate over. It is a wonderful way to grow a family. There are those, however, with some sort of agenda. They truly believe that adoption is wrong and that no one in the bible ever was "adopted". They like to say they were "fostered", which makes me laugh.

If these people did any research at all they would find there has been adoption for thousands of years. Taking care of orphans is definetly mentioned in the bible and if you look up the Greek for "orphan" (and take things in context) you would see that orphans are not just children who have had parents that have died. Children were adopted - taken in by a family, raised as their own - the mom and dad were just that. That IS adoption.....that's not an extended vacation or long summer camp.


medjek wrote:

Fostering has taken place for centuries. Infant adoption is a legal contruct that began about 150 years ago and did not even exist in many place until the 20th century. Adoption means a complete severing of all legal ties, plus falsifying birth records and sealing the original real records. Adopters are put down as having given birth to the children they adopted. In all other cases, falsifying government documents is a crime: so why not in adoption?

Isn't that funny? This is arguing semantics....it's jibberish really. Who is this person kidding? she must be very young.

NO- there weren't adoption agencies, NO there weren't all this legal mumbo jumpo and hoops to jump through...and 10s of thousands of dollars to pay....but that is today's society and it is to protect people from unscrupulous people who would manipulate. 6 million adoptees today - you can't tell me that they are all upset, sad, miserable people from a manipulated biological mother.

People who are this adimate about adoption being wrong must have had a bad experience and will do anything to spread their tainted beliefs. They don't bother me, they won't even change my mind --but, I don't like how they use religion to back up that belief.

there are those who are just SO against adoption that they curse those and shun those who are happy in adoption....especially if you were a biomom who is at peace with her decision or a happy adoptee. I was shunned by kimkim who is a biomom.....because she didn't like things I said about being happy with my situation. There are others who are so angry that they curse you....I will let you find those yourself.

GOD has adopted all of us....He changes our names....He paid a hefty price....He loves us more than we could fathom....we can live with Him forever......sounds like adoption to me.

The Smooth Rocking of my Boat

Are people happy with chaos? Are people happy with all the bad things in their life overwhelming them? Sometimes it feels that way. I read these blogs and it amazes me the hate, the anger, the sadness, the past permeating their ever angry pore.

People I know have suffered terrible losses.... Their childhood, their dignity, babies, loved ones, even body parts. But because I am a part of a Christian community these people are whole, they have joy. I'm not saying they are perfect and I'm not saying they don't have scars (some very visible)..... but They have dealt with the feelings, they have learned to cope with the past and have moved on and live in the here and now. They don't wallow in the muck and mire of sadness and anger.

Many of these bloggers have made some bad decisions, have taken a few bad turns and now blame others as much as they blame themselves. They don't want to take responsibility (do any of us?) for their past. It's easier to be angry at someone else. Who else is there to blame? So they get on a rampage, they target people who they think are wrong, they say they are against them, against what they think is an injustice....something for them to fight instead of putting their efforts into something more positive they "spread the malice".

I have a Leave it To Beaver Life compared to these people out their in Blogland. It makes me almost feel guilty that I don't have terrible baggage that affects me emotionally and mentally. This all makes me a little scared about the future of our country though. It seems everyone has something that has affected them in a bad way and people are hurting and this gives them the right to act any way they wish.

I guess it's difficult to see other people happy when they are not. Does making other people unhappy make these people feel better? more powerful? what?

I am a Happy, well adjusted adoptee who is also a happy well adjusted adopted mom with a great daughter and a great husband. I think that might upset people for some reason. I have had people tell me I'm "fooling myself", I'm "full of hot-air", I "can't be as happy as I'm letting on" and my favorite: "I bet you are a scammer and not even an adopted mom or adoptee at all".....that one still makes me laugh. Is it so hard to believe there are actually happy people still out there in the world??

My goodness...be happy for other people, encourage one another, be happy about something!

I am a Mother

I am a real mother
I have an incredible love for my child
I care for my child every day
I would kill anyone that tried to hurt my child
I am her mommy
I am a real mother

By biomom and the biomom of my daughter are just that..... a mother of biological blood ties. If the child would have stayed with them...they would be that child's "real" mother, not just a biomom.

They both are mothers, they have given birth....but I have mothered my child and my adopted parent mothered me. We are "real mothers".

I have respect for all mothers that have given birth...some have lost those children to miscarriage or infant death, some have lost them to adoption, some have raised them and lost them.....there are many mothers who have lost....but all deserve respect---I cannot deny that at all. None should be forgotten or treated poorly.

I am a real mother and very proud to be that!

Gratitude for a Happy Life

I am Grateful to God for a life of joy and happiness. I am thankful for a little girl who I love with my whole being. I am thankful for a life with adopted parents who I see as the best parents anyone could have ever asked for. I am thankful for a loving, wonderful husband who loves our daughter like a daddy should. I am thankful for the hardships I have had to endure, they have made me stronger....able to help others who have had the same hardships because I know how they feel, and how it feels....I also know how it feels to be on the other side so I can give encouragement.

I am thankful, I am full of JOY......despite any bad thing that is happening..........I am happy.

Packets

It's time for another packet for little bit's biomom. I love putting these together and actually take pictures with her in mind. I want her to see her teeth coming in, her adventures and her cute little things she does. When we get her professional picture taken I always get a picture with her bear---the same exact bear we gave her biomom. I want her to feel connected still in some way, if she want to. It's much harder to write a letter and tell her of all the things we are doing because I know she is wishing it could be her. I love them and pray for them all the time.

Happily exhausted

I have had about 3 hours of sleep (if that). Little bits has had a double ear infection and is doing much better but has decided not to sleep anymore. She has discovered the quiet, dark, night time hours and I think she is fascinated. The television is not on, the only lights are night lights and everything is just so quiet. She loves to lay in our arms with her eyes open.....it's sweet but at 4am I start to beg....."please sweety, close your eyes and sleep....please". I am so exhausted but the happiest exhausted I have ever been. My darling hubby loves to get up with her and he spent the first few hours in the wee hours and I took last last few....never thought I'd be so happy to get up for anyone in the middle of the night.

I now have the cold, the sinus infection and the stuffy head....poor baby, at least I can blow my nose. When I was a baby my mother said I always had a red nose (that's my biodad's "cold" genes), so we have been very forunate with the little peanut.

Calling all M*tal Heads, S*tan worshipers and angry bloggers....

For all of you I have "highly offended" by the comments I made about the "metal heads", I apologize. If you know me, you know I am NOT a person who judges a book by it's cover. I went to art school with VERY creative people and know many of the people who dress the opposite of everyone else doesn't have to be Satan worshippers (nor was I implying that). My bio half-sister is very nice and it has suprised me that she was involved with people who lived deep into this lifestyle.....that's all. I WOULD be a little concerned had my daughter brought someone home that looked like the picture I had posted. I would have to make sure the boy was nice to her and was expressing his individualism and not being rebelious, mean and angry.....then i would be quite worried. I think you all have been quiet judgemental but then again, the blogmosphere allows for it - no one knows me, my character, or even what I look like. Someone commented "you can't judge a book by it's cover" but you can't judge a blogger by their thoughts either. Blogging lets you express your feelings but for people who are not writers.....it can be challenging.

So do I care what you all think? No, not really. My thoughts are my own, I am pure, I do not have hatred, malice or indignation. I don't even hold grudges. The things that you have all sent to me are quiet mean however....you all should practice what you preach.

Regardless, I read what I had posted and I could see where it may offend and I wanted to clear it up. I even deleted them both. I meant what i said, I am glad I grew up with whom I did. I'm glad I didn't get involved in all of that.....I do feel there is something wrong in a family unit to make a kid want to rebel so much. But again, that is my own opinion.

I know you all love to hate some blogger out there, and if it has to be me that's fine...but I think I will soon become too boring for you all. I love that I am adopted, I love my family....i even really like my bio families. I love my daughter and I like her bioparents. We all get along very well and communicate regularly. You may want to find someone else to ridicule and correct.

Through by the Gaithers

“When I saw what lay before me, Lord, I cried, what will you do? I thought He would just remove it. But, He gently led me through. Without fire, there’s no refining, without pain, no release, without flood, there’s no rescue, without testing, no belief.

Through the fire, through the flood, through the water, through the blood…

Through the dry and barren places, through life’s dense and maddening mazes, through the pain, and through the glory…

Through we’ll always tell the story, of the God whose power and mercy, will not fail…to take us…through.”

Your score on this personality test was 61%

 

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Ramblings

I think my biodad is really feeling a loss. His daughter just had a baby and he has called me once a week to give me updates. He keeps saying the baby looks like my baby pictures. I really feel bad because I don't want to take anything away from her and her special time with this new baby. Grandpa should be concentrating on them (even though they live a few states away).
I guess he never got to feel the loss before, he didn't know I existed until I e-mailed him when I was 33.

Meanwhile, my biomom has gotten some closure in the last few years and has gotten a great job, lost weight, gotten her bad knees fixed and is trying to quit smoking. Many of her nerveous habits and depression are gone. I'm so glad I sought her out....she said she would have never done it.

The internet has made things SO much easier. When I started looking - all I had was non-identiying information and the public library with records of births from the newspaper around the time of my birthday......believe me, no help at all there! Now everyone has access to records all over the world --- searching has been made so much easier!

Bitterness

Bitterness can do a lot to people. It can turn basically decent people bad, it can wither away a soul, it can make them ugly from the inside out. Why waste a life with bitterness? There is so much better out there, so much happiness to be had. Many adoptees blame their bad lives on being adopted. That very well may be, you caught a bad break. What do biological children have to blame it on? I guess they blame their parents - there, that's done...someone is to blame.

You can only blame sadness & bitterness, happiness & success with realationships on one person...yourself. NO ONE will keep me from being happy but me. I don't let other people have control over me that easily.....do you? Does it matter what anyone does to you? You still have a brain, a reason, a will.....

I AM a happy adoptee, not "brainwashed", not "fooling myself", not "missing the life i never had"....any of that bull crap. Adoptees that say that they are unhappy and regret being adopted...yada yada yada....they need to know they cannot blame adoption. Maybe they can blame the lame adopted parents they had, or the crappy agency that did it to them. But you cannot blame your birthmothers and you cannot blame adoption itself.

There are too many happy adoptees out there to say that adoption DID anything to anyone. Circumstances are different for everyone. But no matter what you have a choice....a choice to remain bitter and mean (and some get a kick out of it) or to be happy and live your life to the fullest with love, forgiveness, respect and happiness.

Crosses

Birthmother, adopted parents, childless, childfree, adopted, fostered or raised with biological parents, we all have crosses to bear. Some are visible, some are disabilities of another kind. The person you think looks like has the "perfect life" - - - doesn't. We ALL have something we have to deal with. Some things may not seem very difficult to overcome, some are really bad. I believe that the people who have the hardest lives are the ones that are supposed to do something great. People that can handle those things - can handle anything that is thrown at them.

So many people have secrets in their lives but you would never know it.....they don't advrtise these hidden things.

The key to it all is how you let these things effect your life. I have many things that have happened to me and my family and friends that people wouldn't believe. Things that have nothing to do with adoption. I could let these things harden me, make me angry and bitter but I don't. I choose to have a clean slate every day. No grudges, no hatred, no hard feelings. Why should I let circumbstances, events or other people rob me of joy and a happy life?

The past is gone forever....I can't repair it but I have control over the future....as far as how I feel and treat each day, treat each person I meet.

Make the most of everyday...like you have only a few days to live. Tell people they are important to you, give back to your community, make someone smile everyday. Find things in which to be thankful every day------write them down, you'll be suprised how you start seeing more and more positive in your life......

Happy Valentine's day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just Another Happy Day in Adoption Land

I've been reading more adoption information lately from books that are positive (hard to find - positive is boring). When I first started reading books written by adoptees it was depressing. They all had a sad story to tell but then again, why would someone with a good adoption experience need to write a book about it? We need to fill out minds with positive things, if you dwell in the negative that's what you will become.

When we were struggling with IF it was difficult but I was a survivor, I did what I had to do and was strong emotionally. It wasn't until I got in a group of other girls with IF that I started breaking down emotionally and getting all weepy and depressed. I was getting too involved with everyone else who was emotional, weepy and depressed. That's what I was becoming....I had to step away. Misery does love company.

This is how the internet blogging groups are - one just fires up the next. Negativity is breeding more negativity. --------I choose to be positive, I had a great life, I HAVE a great life!!!

I'm an adoptee! I celebrate it, I treasure it, it's what has made me the person I am!

My baby is an adoptee too, she is sweet, loving and the best baby in the world!!
I will not breed negativity into her, we will celebrate our uniqueness..............

"A mother is likened unto a mountain spring that nourishes the tree at it's root, but one who mothers another's child is likened unto water that rises into a cloud and goes a long distance to nourish a lone tree in the desert."
---The Talmud

SELFISHNESS

Let's talk selfishness.
Are these things selfish:
1. When a person asks a girlfriend/ boyfriend to wait to marry until threy finish school? YES
2. When a woman or man wants a spouse? Yes
3. When there are poor people in the world and you want to take a nice vacation? Yes
4. When a woman and man want to have a baby? Yes
5. When a woman and man have sex with no care about the safety and well being of the other? yes
6. When a couple will adopt to have a child? yes

You get my point. What is selfish? self satisfaction? Desire? Is it all wrong? no
So to anyone who says they are not selfish----they lie.

Ignorance is NOT Bliss!!

It amazes me the ignorance of people on the subject of adoption. I guess if you talked to me about cremation or nuclear proliferation I would be in the dark and need some clarification but come on.....do you need instructions on courtesy? On common sense?
If one more person says anything stupid to us about our adoption I think I'll scream----OH THE IGNORANCE!

The thing is - all people of adoption have their side of ignorance. I know how an adopted mom and an adoptee feels but I could never know how a biomother feels....not really. I can respect it, read about it, ask people about it but I'll never know really. Just as they will never know how I feel.

Everyone has their own opinions, that is definetly clear in the adoption world. The agencies have their perspective, the birthmothers come at it from a more emotional personal level than them, the adopted parents have different (but just as powerful) emotions about the whole thing. Then, you have the adoptee who has the least amount of memories, emotions and reference to all of it but is the center of the whole thing. They are the beacon to which all these other people look to and are attached to. The agencies want the women to come in because yes, it is a business and these people have to make a living, the birthmother wants everything to be different, they want to be able to keep their child and raise that child on their own. The adopted parents want a child to love, to fill their lives with happiness and joy. The adult adoptee is trapped in the middle - As an adopted mother I can say I wouldn't change anything, my baby is the most important thing in the world to me, I'm selfish and now that she is ours I don't want to share her.

Before you slam me, think about it from my perspective. (and don't worry, I know the importance of finding the bios....and that will happen if she wants it). If you are from another side of adoption, try thinking about it from the side of a person who wanted a child to love, wanted a family for 15 years. You can't imagine how it feels if you have not been in those shoes but realize there is that side as well as your own. I have not had a loss like handing over a child I birthed to someone else but I have lost many, many children--The child I dreamed of every four weeks in 13 years. I do not regret not having a biological child because i do have a child to raise, to share our lives with, to love beyond all measure. I DO regret that it is because of someone else's loss that we have this sweet baby as our own.

We are all ignorant of other people's feelings, we are all selfish, we care about our own feelings more than anyone else's but it is only because we can only know our own feelings, we have only seen the world through our own eyes.

Ignorance is not bliss - especially if you stay ignorant and don't try to understand other people's ideas, opinions and feelings. Ignorance is ignorance.

Just my 2 cents

This is one of the most romantic things I've ever seen. 5,000 to 6,000 year old skelatal remains found in Rome. A young man and woman hugging in an eternal embrace.

Isn't this the saddest - the very saddest?
My mother should be ashamed---if I recall, a few days before this school picture I fell asleep with gum in my hair and my bangs had to be trimmed to get it all out.....and that dress!!!oh the shame of the 70s!

I have a Neice

A half neice......my bio dad called and left a message on my recorder with all the info and he said the baby looked like me. I've never had anyone say that before....a person looks like me when I was born! Whoa....this statement struck me and I don't even think he had any idea it would. "She has lots of black hair with one curl on the top like you did" (he saw my pics). It was very sweet to include me.

A Positive, Well Adjusted Adoption Blog

Yes, there are bad adoptions out there. Yes, there are adoptees that are not happy and have had a bad go of it. For that I am sorry. To all who have lost babies to death or adoption, I'm sorry...it has to hurt. For those of you who have lost their childhood to bad adopted parents, I'm sorry...it doesn't seem fair. There are people who did not have a great life with their natural parents too....it's sad that all could not have experienced a happy, well adjusted, accepting and loving family (it's becoming more and more prevalent that children do not have this). But, for all the adoptees who have had a good life, I stand up for them. I represent those who do not blog, who don't feel the need to blog. Blogging is great for those to share experiences and support eachother....I'm glad for it. But, because the other side is not represented.... it can sometimes seem we are not out there and all adoption may be a bad idea....it's not, and we are out here.

There are about 130,000 children adopted in the US every year

As of 2004 there were 1.6 million children under 18 in the US that are adopted.

The number of all adoptees estimated in the United States are 6-10 million - that means 3.4-8.4 million are over 18.

That's a lot of people.

"Adopted kids are every bit as well-adjusted, socially skilled, and intellecutally able as their nonadopted peers", according to research published by psychologsit L. DiAnne Borders of the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Another study - of 881 adopted adolescents, the largest on American adoptive families so far - found that the teens reported positive identities, strong family ties, and sound psychological health at the same rates as their nonadopted siblings.

Why do people believe adopted kids have more problems? E. Wayne Carp, an adoption historian says, "Adoptive parents are more likely to seek psychological help more quickly and for less serious problems". Early researchers, convinced that adoptees had more behavioral and emotional problems than children who grow up with their biological parents, went looking for trouble - and found it. Often, they focused on adoptees who were struggling, ignoring the majority who were doing fine. They didn't compare adoptees with a similar group of nonadopted kids. And they lumped together children adopted at birth and those placed later, who may have been mistreated by birth parents. While Carp declared earlier studies "deeply flawed," he says new studies employing more objective method "add a breath of fresh air to the debate." These studies found adopted children aren't so different from other kids - and may even have special strengths. (In the large study mentioned above, conducted at Minneapoplis' Search Institute, adoptees rated themselves less withdrawn and less likely to encounter social problems than did nonadopted peers.)
Borders believes two key factors influence whether adoptees thrive: the timing of adoption (the earlier in a child's life, the better) and the quality of parenting afterward. It's a subject she knows well: She's the adoptive mother of Jacob, 7. Someday, she says, "my son will have to figure out how being adopted fits in with his identity. Hopefully I'm laying a good foundation."

Are you all wrong that adoption practices need to be changed?.....no.
Are the rest of the millions of adoptees wrong when they say little to nothing about being adopted because it doesn't affect them?....no. It just is.

Adoption does hurt the natural mother....it has to. But if there are 6 million adoptees there are 6 million biological mothers as well. They all have to live with it - it can't be easy but there must be some of them at peace, there must be some that live normal lives and no one hears from them. I am not writing this to take anything away from what anyone feels. You all are awesome ladies (and men) and I'm glad everyone has found eachother. But everytime I say I am happy and had a great life I get people (or I read other blogs) telling me that I must be disguising how i "really" feel. Is it so hard to believe or accept that other people had an okay time of it?

I Just wanted to put a different perspective out there. We are out here and we are not "faking" it, I am happy and content and at peace. The only reason I started with blogging is to journal about adopting our child. I wanted to remember everything I was feeling at the time. I was bombarded with people (on my other blog) with people telling me how wrong I was and how much adoptees wind up hating their adopted parents and how wrong adoption was all together. It was amazing. I saw a side of adoption I had never seen....an ugly side that I am glad I know is out there...it made me more aware. But it is one sided.

God bless you all........from a happy adoptee.

Feburary 1st ---FRANCE????

1 out of 3 people smoke in France! I cannot imagine them making it smoke free!

February 1st-- workplaces, schools and hospitals will have a ban on smoking in France. Smokers will face fines of 68 euros (88 dollars) for lighting up in the wrong place, while business owners will be fined 135 euros.

Companies can choose to provide hermetically-sealed smoking rooms, with powerful extractor fans, but few are expected to install the costly systems, preferring to let staff puff away on the pavement and offer them advice on how to quit.

The rare exceptions to the new rules are places considered as "substitutes for the home" -- such as hotels or retirement homes.

The government has also said it will be lenient towards hospital patients with mental illnesses, who would not understand a sudden ban, or those already struggling to give up alcohol or drug addiction.

Then on February 1st 2008 the Cafe and Bar crowd will have to give up the smoking as well. Although some are already doing it. One cafe owner said that he has always been smoke-free and pregnant women and women with children are his main customers because they prefer their children not to breath in the smoke.

Other Countries who are smoke free:
Ireland, Italy, England, Norway, Sweden, New Zealand, Uganda, Malta, Uruguay, and Bhutan

In the US:
1) California: Restaurants, Bars
2) Connecticut: Restaurants, Bars
3) Delaware: Workplaces, Restaurants, Bars
4) Florida: Workplaces, Restaurants
5) Idaho: Restaurants
6) Maine: Restaurants, Bars
7) Mass.: Workplaces, Restaurants, Bars
8) Montana: Workplaces, Restaurants (Bars 10/1/09)
9) New York: Workplaces, Restaurants, Bars
10) North Dakota: Workplaces
11) Rhode Island: Workplaces, Restaurants, Bars
12) South Dakota: Workplaces
13) Vermont: Restaurants, Bars
14) Washington: Workplaces, Restaurants, Bars

New State Laws effective in 2006*:

15) New Jersey: Workplaces, Restaurants, and Bars (4/15/06)
16) Utah: Restaurants, new law covers Workplaces (7/1/06) and Bars (1/1/2009)
17) Colorado: Restaurants, Bars (6/1/06)

*Washington D.C.'s smokefree law will take effect in 2007

IF YOU ARE FAT OR UGLY YOU CAN'T ADOPT FROM CHINA

From a Christian adoption sight:

Beginning May 1, people will find it more difficult to adopt children from China. Xing Kaimin, director of the China Center for Adoption affairs, says the new rules will guarantee “optimal family conditions” for adopted children.

The restrictions are as follows:

• Applicants should have a Body Mass Index (BMI) of less than 40. This applies to both men and women. A BMI of 40 indicates extreme obesity, and according to the ministry, obese people are more likely to suffer from diseases and might have a shorter life expectancy.
• Applicants must be married for at least two years. Xing says that a “complete family” is essential for adopted children.
• Those who were earlier divorced should have been currently married for at least five years.
• Couples must have less than four children.
• Couples must be in the 30 to 50 age group.
• Applicants cannot be wheelchair dependent.
• Applicants cannot take medication for psychiatric conditions including depression and anxiety.
• Applicants cannot have a “severe facial deformity.”
• Applicants cannot be “economically precarious.”

I cannot believe this - does it make you a bad parent if you are overweight? Does it decrease your love for a child if you have a "facial deformity" --- It is appauling!

I Have My Own Opinions!

I am conservative, I am outspoken, I have my own opinions. This does NOT make me a target for ridicule. It makes me human.

I have feelings, feelings about adoption; my own and my daughter's. What I feel, what I believe is not wrong and is also not fodder for ridicule. There is love, and as long as there is so much love who is to say I am wrong?

We have our own experiences, we have our own feelings....I cannot say anyone is wrong about how they feel - because they feel it. Why am I not entitled to the same if my opinion differs from yours?

I wasn't aborted

I could have been aborted, my biomom could not keep me and her family was not happy. She could have easily made me just go away. She didn't...it's one reason why I thank her.

My daughter could have been aborted. They could not afford her, emotionally, physically or monitarily, it would have been easy to go somewhere (especially in this day and age) and quietly get rid of the pregnancy. She didn't do that and how can I ever be thankful enough? My daughter is the light of my life.

So no one can tell me that people have a choice to kill. Where do we draw the line? Why is 8 weeks gestation, even 24 weeks, not life and 37 weeks is? Where in there did life miraculously begin? At what moment is it killing a baby and not tissue? I am tissue, I am life.


-50 million babies aborted every year
-In the US 3700 abortions a day
-For evey 100 babies born there are 31 aborted
-46% of woman that have an abortion have more than one
-Methods of abortions:
......babies are suctioned out of the womb with a powerful vaccuum
......burned with a powerful saline solution, baby dies and mother delivers 30-36 hours later
......Chemical is given to the mother starving the baby of nutrients and it dies
......After dilating the cervix a hook shaped knife is inserted to cut the baby into pieces and the pieces are suctioned out
......Of course the worst of all....the baby is pulled out feet first, head left in the birth canal (so it's not really "delivered" and a hole is poked into the skull so the brains can be suctioned out.

I think instead of talking about a woman's choice and her body we should concentrate for a moment on what happens to a babies body through the whole process of abortion. We have trivialized it and made it seem like a simple medical procedure. I could have been one of these babies.........I choose life.

A Few Things People May or May/Not Know About Me

-I have a degree in Art (a minor in abstract sculpture)
-I have a lot of "food rules": (here's a few)
I don't like my foods to touch each other on the plate
I don't like any fruit with anything else (especially dairy)
Nothing sweet can touch anything that isn't sweet...
-I like to wear tight clothing (like hose and turtlenecks)
-I have a pretty high IQ but don't feel that smart
-I'm a curly girl who hates my hair
-I love getting dressed up, Halloween was my favorite holiday growing up and one of my favorite gifts was a wig (that's another post). Now I get to do that a lot when I do dinner theater....and I get to make up my own characters.
-I like to learn a few words in a lot of languages so I could at least say hello to anyone
-I wanted to be a ventriloquist when I was young and stood in front of a mirror practicing talking and singing with my lips not moving.
-I have a master's degree but don't feel like it's gotten me anywhere I couldn't have gone without it
-I had a heat stroke in 1991
-I don't sweat
-I have scoleosis, a tremor on my right side and a bunion but am pretty healthy besides that
-I am PETRIFIED of getting cancer and am a little over the edge about it (in my head).
-I thought I would die before I got married and walking down the isle I kept thinking I could still drop dead in the isle....1/2 joking to myself, 1/2 serious
-I really don't like shopping, talking on the phone or shoes (I am a disgrace to the female race)
-I dream about losing my teeth
-I LOVE the news and can watch it all day
-I love foreign films, ethnic food and other cutures
- I secretly think I have a serious chance to win the lottery
-I love filling out forms about myself (even at the doctor's office)
-I like reality shows
-I work with old people but fear getting old
-I cannot stand liars, cheats, people who are one way in public and different at home, people who are mean to other people, people who are slow to forgive, moodiness
-I HATE coffee, to me it smells like acid
-I cannot stand the smell of most buttered popcorn, it smells like rotting meat
-Anything that is supposed to smell like grapefruit smells like old sweat to me
-I lose my voice once a year
-It hurts me to be too hot or too cold
-I love oldies and know 100s of songs from the 20s 30s and 40s (this includes most songs from musicals from the 20s through the 50s)
-I HATE cats (in the late 80s my brother's cat bit me in the back of my leg and I had to pry it's jaws off so it would let go---then it swelled up for a few days)
-I hate doing laundry but I secretly like to match socks (like a game i guess)
- I love liver and onions, brussle sprouts, pickled herring, sardines and other things people usually hate
-I NEVER want to skydive or bungy jump-i'll leave that for those who have adrenaline

This was me....












When I see this picture I think of my biomom. It's the first picture taken of me, I'm three weeks old. When I showed her this picture she cried...this was the picture of me she held in her mind for 32 years.

I am so glad I found the BIOS

I know there are so many people on these sites that have all sorts of different opinions about adoption, open, closed, semi-closed. Reunion, open records....whatever.
All I know is...I was adopted, I had an awesome childhood where I was loved more than most kids who are not adopted. I have a very normal, God-fearing, heterosexual, friendly, kind, caring, family (no divorce or abuse anywhere that we know of). I guess it's unusual, I have a great self-esteem, no baggage and a great family....most people can't identify.

All of that said, I'm glad I found my bios.....why? There is a nosey curiousity about where you come from and who you are blood related to. There is a need to see people that look like you and know where you got yout your looks, your skin, your hair....your boobs! (we still haven't established that one)

Today we ran into my biodad and his wife at the restuarant we went to after church. It was sweet....they are so nice. He kissed on J and played with her...he is a proud grandad. His daughter will have a baby in a few weeks and she is jealous but she is giving him his blood-related grandchild - he doesn't care, baby J is his first grandchild to him. sweet.

My biomom is the same way but thank goodness her girls are not jealous. The first borns are the ones that are usually NON accepting of the new "surprise" sibling----what do you mean they aren't the first born?? They were both leery of me....now they are much more accepting.

Yes, I'm glad I found them...

Boxing Boxer

I would like to take a good solid punch at Barbara Boxer.

She had the audacity to ask the President for the "amount of soldiers that will be killed if we send in more troops" - "exact numbers"...(1st stupid thing)

Then she was quoted as saying:
“All of the troops in the world can’t make up for the lack of a political solution in Iraq. The only way forward is for the Iraqi people to reach a compromise and for the Iraqi security forces to take responsibility for protecting their own people. Putting more U.S. troops in the middle of a civil war will only result in the loss of more American lives.”
compromise? The Iraqi people? Iraqi forces take responsibity?? (which ones? the ones that are killing Iraqis or Americans?)....(2nd stupid thing)

Voted NO on banning partial birth abortions (3rd stupid thing)
Voted NO on banning human cloning (4th)
Voted NO on criminal penalty for harming unborn fetus during other crime (5)
Condemned restrictions on embryonic stem cell research (6)

She talkes out of both sides of her mouth----is she worried about life or not???
The soldiers are volunteers...they know what they are getting into and what they will be doing. They know the risk. The millions of babies aborted don't have that convienience.

This was what I saw when I walked into my SIL's bathroom...it was somewhat disturbing and very sweet at the same time.

The #1 Song at Birth

I looked what the #1 song was the day I was born HERE

It was Honey -- It's spooky to read these words....I'm e-mailing the lyrics to my biomom



Honey
Bobby Goldsboro

See the tree, how big it's grown but friend it hasn't been too long it wasn't big
I laughed at her and she got mad, the first day that she planted, it, was just a twig
Then the first snow came and she ran out to brush the snow away
So it wouldn't die
Came runnin' in all excited, slipped and almost hurt herself
And I laughed till I cried
She was always young at heart, kinda dumb and kinda smart and I loved her so
Once I surprised her with a puppy
Kept me up all Christmas Eve two years ago
And it would sure embarrass her
When I came in from workin' late 'cause I would know
That she'd been sittin' there and cryin'
Over some sad and silly late, late show

And honey, I miss you and I'm bein' good
And I'd love to be with you if only I could

She wrecked the car and she was sad
And so afraid that I'd be mad but what the heck
Though I pretended hard to be
Guess you could say she saw through me and hugged my neck
I came home unexpectedly and caught her cryin' needlessly
In the middle of a day
And it was in the early Spring when flowers bloom and robins sing
She went away

And honey, I miss you and I'm bein' good
And I'd love to be with you if only I could

One day while I was not at home while she was there and all alone
The angels came
Now all I have is memories of Honey and I wake up nights and call her name
Now my life's an empty stage where Honey lived and Honey played
And love grew up
And a small cloud passes overhead and cries down on the flower bed
That Honey loved

And see the tree how big it's grown but friend it hasn't been too long it wasn't big
And I laughed at her and she got mad
The first day that she planted it, was just a twig

A Big Thank you

I sent a thank you card to my biodad today. He sent that duck picture and book for Christmas for J and I was touched by it's deeper meaning. I thanked them for being kind and gracious to us even though it was strange circumstances that brought us all together. He wrote back and said he loved us and his son asked for my e-mail so he could correspond. I wrote back that I didn't mind at all and I think we really clicked the first time we met (just wrote yesterday how much we had in common.)
Then he sent me a card tha read
I think of you three often and marvel at how a mistake I made in my youth turned into something wonderful!
Isn't that sweet?

Nature vs. Nurture

It's so strange what is picked up and what is genetic. My half brother and I have the same sense of humor. It was so weird the first time we met we really just clicked. We just joke back and forth so easily and I think it freaked out my biodad. He is so sweet and really cares about me, he asks his dad all the time about me and the baby. Is it wrong to say he's gorgeous too? Of course I got some of that--haha.
I have more similarities with my biodad's family than with my biomom's clan. My biodad's side and I all love rasberry and sour things....and my half sister and I have a weird thing about not letting anyone else use our pillow. AND----we seperate our foods - they cannot touch.

Now, on the other hand....I also have my Adad's walk and much of his sense of humor. I have a lot of my Amom's manerisms and everyone says I look so much like her.
strange.............

Call me Nancy Drew

For years I would take the bits of information i had from my "non-identifying" information and search for my biomom. Before computers this was NOT an easy task. I was nineteen and I was niave about what people would/could and would/could not tell me. I think the first thing I did was go to the hospital that was on my ammended birth certificate. I asked them for my file from my birthdate. They were gone in the back a long time and then came out to tell me there had been a fire and all the records had burned up. (is this the answer they tell them to give all of us when we come in? I've heard this numerous times from other people in different cities). Then I called the doctor that was on the birth certificate. He was old but still in practice. The cute little lady recepionist was sweet and after I told her what my mission she changed and told me the files were too old and had already been destroyed. Then I called the maternity home that was in our city...of course they couldn't give me any information but I thought I would try. I called the newspaper and they told me all babies born in the sixties had to be listed in the paper within two weeks of birth. I went to the main branch library in our city and looked through the microfish but my name wasn't there - then after going home and thinking about it - I realized it wouldn't be under my name now - it would be whatever name my biomom or the hospital gave me. I went back and began writing down every name in that fourteen day period - there were SO many. I didn't write down boys names and the ones that sounded foreign or "ethnic". But that was still ALOT of names (I live in a big city). I still have all of those somewhere. It didn't help. I called or went to the churches in which the biodad was a member to see if they had a roster from that year. There were so many other feeble/misguided attempts at the search. When the internet began to get popular I would register on any adoption registry that came out.( At the beginning there were only two). This was all in a ten year span.
When, through an investigator, I finally had a name I could not stop the search. I had grown to love the search, like a game with no ending. I didn't want it to end. I had a name and went back to the library to look at the census...to follow the families - could this one be it? could this one? I made a list of five and followed them, where they moved, who lived in the house - they were great books telling what the father did and the ages of the people in the house - great....but I hit dead ends....still I loved the game.
When I finally found my biomom I kept looking for something to search....what more could I find out? I didn't want it to end.....weird I know. It was a let down in a way. I found her, the searching was over.......I missed it.....did I want the search more than the reunion?
When she told me who the biodad was I began my search again...I went to his high school and got his picture out of the old yearbook...looked up alumni info and found out his address, number , how many kids he had, his business. Before I contacted him she told me it could be someone else and I began my search for him. I called him all the way across the country and he assured me it wasn't him. She told me then there could have been another - she was so embarrased. I went to HIS old highschool and got a picture - it COULD NOT have been him - i didn't look like her and I sure in heck didn't look like that hairy ape. So, I kept searching and finding out little things.....I love the search.
They called me Nancy Drew - I can find out so much with just a little info...I love it.
For a while my searching was done - I missed it. Now I know J's biomom and biodad's names I find myself searching again....to know more. I found some things I can't share but I'm doing it again.....please someone give me someone or something to look for.........!!!!!!!! Nancy needs a fix!!!

A New Year

I can't believe Baby J stayed up for the new year! I thought about her biomom and was praying she is safe and at peace (want to say happy, but I think it's too soon for her to feel happy on a holiday). While off work I wrote her a long letter and just poured out my heart --woman to woman. I wrote that I think about her often and know she must be feeling low. I wanted her to know she wasn't alone, since she doesn't have anyone to talk with about it. I encouraged her to see the councilor so she can talk about her feelings and I made sure she knew she would not be forgotten. I thanked her for her letter (handwritten-for which she apologized) and told her I'd rather have that so J will be able to see her handwriting. I also wrote that she needed to go to college because she must be smart because she passed that on to baby J.
My only fear is that she will not live long enough to see baby J grow up and become a woman. I know there is not that much contact (her choice too), but it would have hurt me to find out my biomom was not living after all those years and finally finding her.
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Last year on January 1st I was writing on another blog and this is my entry for that day:

I started thinking again about how you really fall in love with your children and i found this on another site - it was so touching:

I don't care if they are biological or adopted, I think it really is a process and it really does not happen overnight. I have heard all kinds of things on boards....from worries that they won't bond to an adopted child like a biological child to no worries that they will bond to a child and that it will happen instantaneously. I think what bonds you to a child is experience. It is not the biological tie. I also think you need to be somewhat prepared to not instantly bond with your child as it is a process.We fall in love with our children through shared experiences. We fall in love with them through caring for them through all their sleepless nights and sick days and the times that they fell down and got "owies". We fall in love with them for teaching us about ourselves and selflessness. We fall in love with them for their goofy laughter and spontaneousness and their ability to bring our young selves out. We fall in love with them for their compassion and innocence. We fall in love with them for their openness...for their chance to be little, to be young, to love life to the fullest.

I couldn't believe when I read we didn't get our profile out until January 23rd last year and we got "the call" on May 26th. That is unbelievable. Most people are waiting years and we had only a few months.
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So, a new year. I don't see how it can top last year for us.

While We Were Waiting

While we waited the last few years I had this quote on my desk at work...
it got me through many difficult days.

“My concern is that many believers apparently feel God owes them smooth sailing or at least a full explanation (and perhaps an apology) for the hardships they encounter. We must never forget that He, after all, is God. He is majestic and holy and sovereign. He is accountable to no one. He is not an errand boy who chases the assignments we dole out. He is not a genie who pops out of the bottle to satisfy our whims. He is not our servant - we are His. And our reason or existence is to glorify and honor Him. Even so, sometimes He performs mighty miracles on our behalf. Sometimes He chooses to explain His action in our lives. Sometimes His presence is as real as if we had encountered Him face to face. But at other times, when nothing makes sense- when what we are going through is ‘not fair,’ when we feel all alone in God’s waiting room - He simply says, ‘Trust Me.’”

James Dobson

DUCKS

My biodad gave us some chocolates and gave J some great blocks that are a puzzle with 6 different possible farm animals when you put them all together. She loves knocking them down after we stack them right now but one day soon she'll get the puzzle idea. He said he and his wife had one more present for us but it wasn't "ready". So Christmas Eve we went out and when we returned I found a package in the back door. It was a book about ducks ("Make Way for Ducklings" published in the 1941) and a framed photo of the statue of those ducks in Boston. I called to thank him and he said it was a tradition around their house. It was read to him, he read it to his children and he wanted me to have it for J. I was touched and it meant a lot to me.

Saw the Lifetime Movie

I tell you, Lifetime does have sappy movies but sometimes I get so caught up in them....they are the only station that has fairly decent movies about adoption. (along with the bad ones). The one I watched last night was "Our son the Matchmaker" --quite sappy but when she meets her son after 28 years of seperation it was very similar to my reunion. They stood there and just stared at eachother.
It made me feel so sorry for my biomom. It reminded me, again, what she must have went through. I am sorry for it all.
This morning I am thinkin of J's biomom....hope this first Christmas is bearable with her loved one's....

Blind and Ignorant

There are people out there, even with discoveries of modern science, that insist on believing archaic, stupid things. We now give our children immunization shots but there are people that cannot believe we introduce these things into our children's bodies. They home-school their children because when you don't get the shots - you cannot expose your children to other children who may give them something. This is a dangerous idiotic practice of fools. Children used to die frequently before these shots - duh....

There are people who, even after the medical community has proved it to be a deterrent of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases (not to mention many other problems that are detrimental to the health of the man and partner), will claim that circumcision is a "barbaric" practice and we should let children decide for themselves - when they are older (ouch). I know people who have been married to uncirc*mcised men and they all have said - ...."there are problems." One said "I could slap his mother for not doing it when he was a baby"

This is how This woman feels about it: "You see, I am of the firm belief that circumcision is unnecessary and brutal. An act that should be illegal. I compared the traditional North American male circumcision to the Female G*nital Mutilation going on around the world.

I take serious issue with the act of mutilating a child’s g*nitals (or any other part of their body, including ear piercings) because there is no good reason for doing so. If your child grows up to be 18 and says, I want to be circ*mcised, then he ought to be able to make an informed decision about his body at that time. (As for ear piercings, I do believe the child should be at least 10 years old and able to care for his/her piercings.)"

This is funny to me. Of all the things for this person to worry about....it's absurd. I don't think giving a child a tattoo is okay or piercing ears as a baby. Most are walking a fine line - letting the 12 year old pierce ears but not their eyebrow or tongue. There are alot of different opinions there but boys are circ*mcised, children get their shots, babies born tongue tied are snipped, children born with 6 toes have one removed etc. HELLO - medical science....not the middle ages. You cut a child's hair and bathe them right? Take care of business....don't be a wacko about it....

Those who do not believe in God would have a hard time understanding ...but God knows what He's doing. God told the people of the old and new testiment things to do that we didn't understand until the modern age. For example:
-No pork (Leviticus 11 and Deuteronomy 14) - But the thing is, if you ate bad pork you got trichina (Trichinella spiralis "trichinosis")---not discovered until just over 150 years ago.
-"Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities." -- I Timothy 5:23 Red wine has been proved to help digestion.
(Paris cholera outbreak in the 19th century when it was noted that wine drinkers had been spared from the disease). In a British medical journal research was published that proves after drinking wine that bacteria in food was killed before it reached the intestines.
-Circ*mcision- "And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you" (Genesis 17:11)
"While the American Academy of Pediatrics doesn't consider circumcision to be medically necessary, there are some medical reasons for performing one. Those include preventing recurring infections of the head of the p*nis, avoiding obstruction of urine flow that can result when the prepuce's opening narrows, and preventing a tight prepuce from retracting over the glans. Also, circ*mcision may reduce the incidence of penile cancer (a very rare condition).

Even barring these considerations, infections, including urinary tract infections in infants, are less common in a circ*mcised p*nis. That's because a circ*mcised p*nis is easier to keep clean. (By pulling back the uncirc*mcised for*skin and cleaning carefully, a man can reduce the formation of smegma. Finally, circ*mcision might have a small protective effect against AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), "some research suggests that circumcised men may be at a reduced risk for developing syphilis and HIV infections." Some scientists blame any increased risk in uncircumcised p*nises on increased mucosal cells that can allow infection to enter more easily. What's more, microorganisms can flourish in a warm, moist area under the for*skin."

Okay - I've made my point.

Adopted son and King of the Jews

I was recently reading Christ the Lord out of Egypt by Anne Rice (suprisingly well done by the "vampire" author). We were all talking about the Christmas story and the blood line of Jesus. At first it was said it was just Joseph who was from the blood line of David. But, to me, that didn't make sense because Joseph was not his biological father. I started googling and asking a few people who are scholarly. It is interesting that the arabs still marry within the family. and that's what happened then - Joseph and Mary were both from the line of David. But, throughout these discussions it was brought up and I even read about it in many books. You COULD deny one of your own children in those days legally but you COULD NOT legally deny an adopted child. Once that child was adopted (like Jesus was "adopted" by Joseph) Everything was due them from your lineage. You were "grafted" into the vine of the family. Their lineage and forefathers were yours.

Us against them?

Why does it have to be us against them? Why do so many people have to be negatively affected by adoption? There are adopted mothers who are SO against the mothers who gave birth to their children and there are birthmothers who are so angry with the adopted mothers. Wasn't it Rodney King that said "can't we just all get along?"

TRADITION

We have a wonderful New Year tradition. My father opens a letter by writing "Happy New Year" and telling a quick bit about the day and what has happened through the year. He ends his part by writing "now I turn the pen over to...." and then that person writes about their year. Each one from the family writes throughout the day/evening and even the little ones take a turn. Whoever is there has to write something. Then it is finished by my mother who re-reads the letter and writes all the things we forgot. We put the letter in a safety deposit box and we don't look at it for ten years. Every new years eve we read the letter from ten years ago. It is amazing the things we forget and it's wonderful to read the writing of grandparents after they are gone and others who have stayed with us never to be seen again (like old girlfriends and boyfriends). The funniest thing is to read the writing when you were little and my mother even includes letters to santa we wrote. It's a wonderful tradition that we treasure and will for years to come. Now that we all have families of our own we all do it with our own families.....I love tradition and can't wait to write about this year's happenings!!!

We saw my biomom and her husband today. It was very casual at her house and we ordered pizza from a really great place in her little town. She lives 26 miles away and my biodad lives less than two---weird huh? We have all gone to many of the same places and restaurants....we're all sure we've seen eachother throughout my life but we just didn't know eachother.
in fact, I know I saw my one half sister bellydance (the only pale blond who does it around here). And my half brother came to my church and sat three rows ahead of us. I didn't know who he was though at the time---so weird. Anyway, they had a great time with the baby and took lots of pictures. I did find out that her mom had to have a knee replacement and she had to have both done-----yikes! I hope my knees stay healthy. Her mother has also gone blind with macular degeneration. I was sort of happy when I didn't know all that. Nice day.....

This is so cute - very clever....a video on yahoo talent show

My opinion doesn't really matter much

It's hard to fathom, it's difficult to believe, it's inconcievable that your own flesh could reject you. I think maybe that's how the mothers feel, what they are afraid of subconciously?. I think they don't want to feel rejected, hated, hurt anymore than they have been. They did one of the most difficult things they would ever do and they blame themselves, authority figures, the agency, the social worker, the adopted parents, the government, the system....mostly themselves. It hurts too much to think that someone they love so much may not feel the same, may be happy without being with them, may have had a better life without them in it. It hurts. Let me assure those people, it DOES NOT mean we reject you or hate you if we have had a good life, if it worked out for us, isn't that what you have prayed/hoped for? Or would you have been just a little glad if life wasn't anygood without you?

I was out of town two nights and was a little glad to hear the baby cried the first night....like maybe she missed me. I was hurt when I heard the next night she was happy and content....didn't she still miss me? Of course I wanted my husband to have a good time with her, but it still hurt a little. Mind you, this does not even touch the tip of the iceberg with relinquishing a child, but you get my meaning. You want the best for them, great parents who will take careof them, love them, treat them as their own flesh and blood. Then they feel rejected and hurt when they don't feel warm and fuzzy and come at you with open arms in reunion. Now, don't think I mean this in a derogatory way....just the feeling I get from many mother's who relinquished....

Things are not all okay with the system....I went to a well respected agency who plays by the book for our adoption, but there are many who do not. I was adopted in the day with all closed adoptions but my biomom was 21 and knew what she had to do. She went to a well respected agency as well, and when it was all said and done she was happy to know I was okay but I think very disappointed I was really okay....deep down I think it hurt her that I wasn't psychogically damaged by it all. After all, it has been/is intensly personal to her....to me, she was/is a stranger.

If we do not want a full blown relationship it is NOT a rejection, it is NOT personal about who you are as a person or what you "did to us". It is simply happiness with a life that you may not have chosen for us but one that we have been placed in by circumbstance and happiness followed. Be proud of who we have become, the good genes you passed on, the love we felt in the womb and know we can live in your hearts if for some reason we cannot have the relationship with you that your heart longs for.

She is so sweet. She wrote "I regret but at the same time I know I did the right thing". I write and I have encouraged her to write. She wants to send a video of the baby's 1/2 brothers - i love that....
She said they thought we would be snobs but they have both talked about how nice and happy we were when we met....how that has helped them....that felt good.
The hardest thing to read...."the best thing that ever happened to me, the only thing that ever made me feel whole and I gave her away".....we both cried about that.
We love them and we pray for their happiness.