Infant Amnesia

Someone I know turned me onto this article....very interesting.....
Miss, make sure you read this.

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/world/2007-02/17/content_811598.htm

This is a song about a young mother who wanted a good home
for her child but wanted to be remembered as loving him.
It's not going to hit the charts but it's very sweet.

Miss and other anonymous posters

They think they are clever by having a blogger account with no blog so they can comment. It's funny really. They post on my blog, my feelings about adoption (that are actually the mainstream). At least they are reading....they are seeing that their views are not the only ones out there....that's the purpose of my posting. The funniest thing about it is they don't have the courage to post a link to their own blog. They have so much to say - I'd like to read their posts. But they would rather come on my blog and try to......I don't know what they think they are doing honestly. MISS actually needs to be on medication--or maybe she just needs some much needed sleep.

biological history

As an adoptee I wanted to know medical history and I wanted to know what people, that I was blood related to, looked like. But when I read that people are missing out on their "biological history" I wonder....what does it matter? Who cares. That's just me.

People are sensative about too many things. I know some adoptees have problems but is it all related to them being adopted? I don't know. People will have problems, people adopted and biological will have things that are wrong in their lives....I just can't see blaming adoption.

When you get married you become one....flesh of my flesh. My in-laws are parents, my SILs and BILs are my siblings. When you are adopted it's the same. You take on all the relatives as your own....your not "blood realted" but it doesn't matter. I never had a grandma but when I married (just dating even), I got two grandmas and they were awesome....they could not have been closer if they were "blood related"......

I feel very sorry for people biologically raised or adopted that do not feel close to their family.....is that adoption's fault?

Adoption in the media.....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BELLA - the movie

This movie is winning all sort of awards (top prize at the Toronto Film festival)

http://www.bellathemovie.com

When considering Adoption:

Positive Language/Negative Language

Birthparent /Real parent
Biological parent/Natural parent
Birth child/ Own child
My child /Adopted child; Own child
Born to unmarried parents/ Illegitimate
Terminate parental rights/ Give up
Make an adoption plan/ Give away
To parent/ To keep
Waiting child/ Adoptable child; available child
Biological or birthfather/Real father
Making contact with/ Reunion
Parent /Adoptive parent
Intercountry adoption/ Foreign adoption
Adoption triad/ Adoption triangle
Permission to sign a release/ Disclosure
Search /Track down parents
Child placed for adoption/ An unwanted child
Court termination/ Child taken away
Child with special needs/ Handicapped child
Child from abroad/ Foreign child

Lunch

My Bio-sis e-mailed today and asked if we could all go to lunch. She's very sweet. The blond-blond straight haired fair girl who is a bellydancer. She's quite good and is sought after for parties because she doesn't "fit the mold". I had her come dance for a group and she was great - she has tried to convince me I must have it in me to dance like that but I disagree...it is a ....gift? talent? that you have and must cultivate ---- i do NOT have it.

To Prospective Adopted Parents:
A Stereotypical Pile

A poster used these two words and I loved them. If you are new to adoption or wanting to adopt please know that adoptees DO NOT like to be thrown into a "stereotypical pile". I am an adoptee and fortunately have had a great life but I am also an adopted parent and am concerned about my own daughter not feeling negatively about adoption.

There are hundreds of thousands of adoptees who are happy and leading productive lives. Adoption has not had a negative affect on them and they don't think much about the whole thing.

You will find that there is a higher percentage of negative adoptee blogs out here in bloggland because there are those that feel their lives were negatively affected by adoption. There aren't many happy adoptees who feel the need to blog or journal. It's unfortunate that there are some who have had a bad life, whether it is due to adoption or in spite of it.

All you can do is make sure that as adopted parents you adopt through reputable agencies and make sure that the biological mothers are offered counseling and treated well. Think twice before choosing a closed adoption for the sake of your child. At least a semi-open adoption will give the opportunity for information and a possible reunion when the child is an adult, if they wish it.

There are many different opinions but don't let the negativity change your mind. Adoption is a wonderful way to have a family...there are woman deciding to place their child and walking into agencies. We, as adopted parents walk in and apply and these women are showed profiles. They are deciding. They are being offered the opportunity to decide. It IS bittersweet but these women want what's best for the child they will have and your job is to be the best parents you can be.

I have a unique perspective because I an adoptee who adopted. I feel like I'm being a great mom just like my mom and dad were.....

Leave comments or e-mail me if you have any questions.

Memorable Memorial

Last year memorial day was the day we met J. I got "the call" on the Friday before, at work....I cried and my asissantant thought my dad must have died. I was so bulldozed and happy and scared to death. It was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to us!

This girl was already a socialite - down at "the lake" for the weekend, so we had to wait until the foster parents came home. Memorial day will always be a very memorable day for us....the day we first met.

We love you J!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Beautiful Garden

I read in another blog that "Adoptees are like rootless trees, trying to survive on foreign roots in foreign soil."

I thought that was strange. I think Adoptees are like trees that are up-rooted and re-planted. That makes more sense. The trees do well if re-planted in a good fertile soil and if uprooted and re-planted too many times (like some foster care kids) they could do poorly and not grow well. There are many different comparisons you could make. I'm sorry for those adoptees who got the crappy soil and did not flourish. Thankfully there are SO many trees that are flourishing and bearing much fruit!

So Many

There are many differences in the types of adoptions.

First there are private adoptions, agency adoptions and state (foster) adoptions.

When it comes to agency or private adoptions I am most leery of private adoptions. I know there are some unscrupulous agencies out there but there are too many opportunities for private adoptions to be coercive or manipulative. People are deperate...I'll give you that. They want to have a child. I was at the point of wanting to stand outside an abotion clinic with a sign..."I'll adopt your baby". Anyone who has gone through years of infertility knows how it feels. But putting your name and profile on the internet or in the paper is risky business. Not only are you putting yourself out there to be "snookered", but if someone legitimate does contact you....how are they being treated by the lawyers? I know it can and does work but there are too many cracks in that system.

There are international and domestic adoptions.

This is a matter of choice and what God is leading a family to do. International adoptions are a little scary because some of the governments can change the program right in the middle of the process. Some governements even will get parents over there and then require more money "like bribery" and of course there is no legal sytem to stop them. The governemnts also require the children to be a certain age before leavin ghte country. This means that some little children have to suffer even longer in over-crowded orphanges before they can go home with their new families.
Domestic adoptions have different racial groups that are available for adoption. This is also a choice and a decision that requires much prayer. It seems that people really just have a desire to do a particular type of adoption. We thought about Russian adoption but it just never felt like we were supposed to pursue it, doors just stayed closed. Domestic adoptions can be infants or older children through the foster care system. We chose domestic infant adoption and everything went like clock-work...like it was meant to be. We only waited three months for a biomom to choose us (which is almost unheard of).

Then there are closed, semi-open and open adoptions within the above categories.

Closed adoptions should rarely be allowed in todays society. There are some that would need it to be closed but there is too high of percentage of this still going on. If women placed their child with the idea it was closed....they need to be the ones to decide to open the records. But too many want the records open now. My friend J does NOT want his biomom to find him - he's in his 40s and won't even talk about it....closed through Catholic Charities...he will get his wish.

We had chosen semi-open and then the biomom that looked at our profile felt the same way. She really wanted a closed adoption at first but the agency talked her into semi-open so she looked at our profile. We fingured we could send her updates and eventually we could find out names and have them meet if they both wanted to. I actually know her last name....the lawyer did not cover it up in one legal paper. I'm glad I know.

There are people who can do the open adoption but both the biomom and the aparents have to be able to handle it all. We went to a adoption seminar and there was an adopted mom and birthmom in an open adoption. They spoke about the whole thing and it was an awesome relationship. I talked to them afterwards and they both said the first two years were VERY hard and the biomom was very demanding and difficult. She had grown up a bit and now they have the great relationship we saw.


So how do I feel?
There needs to be semi-open adoptions with the records being open as the child reaches 18 -all medical records revieled. Neither party has to want a reunion but records should at least be available.

Smudged

Trying to understand people, someone e-mailed me about the string of people who seem to be "angry adoptees"..... one thing stuck out........

"Seeing everything in life that is negative through adoptee glasses...."

This doesn't take away what anyone has been through...but it explains a lot in this negative blog world.

I think it hits the nail right on the head.

In the Beginning

I started this blog just before Christmas 2005. I began because another blog that i listed personal pictures and family info had been invaded by some girls from my IF group - who were also involved with the same agency we had. Even though It was anonymous, as far as where we live and specific names,...I felt invaded when I found out some of these girls had been telling my agency that I was listing information that was "too personal". Get a LIFE...really. An anonymous blog that no one knows about except prying IFers (where they got the address is beyond me). Mind your own business.

So I maintained a mamby pamby blog of personal pics and family information - all happy go lucky. This blog was totally anonymous (thus, Petunia) and I vowed not to list pictures or any mention of where we live or any other telling clues. I wanted a place to write anything that was on my mind....my first post began:

I am starting this blog so i can really write what i think. It's more for me than anyone.....and i guess anyone else who cares what i think.

I don't really care what anybody thinks about me. I'm the one that has to answer to God and what other people think has no bearing on my eternity.....

We are adopting a baby and i have a blog about that but i don't ever want anyone to read it and have to know about some of the stupid stuff i think. I mean, why bore them and why have a record of it? It may come back to haunt me.

I then talked about things that were on my mind...no holds barred - like "what if my baby is ugly".... something that did cross my mind - not that it matters in the least. Also in January of 2006 I started writing "things I hate" - guess it should have been - "things I dislike"...but anyway, it started as a joke with another friend of mine and we just kept adding. They were "stupid things I thought about"....

I hear a lot of sadness in the things I wrote back then. I hear the sound of my life ticking away and no love to share with a child...that was killing me.... i should have added that to my hate list. As much as I love my husband the love for children was missing..... I covered most my sadness with silliness and laughter....laughter heals so why not?

Anyway, this was never about me being adopted...i never had a need to talk about that or write anything about it...why should I? It really proves a point about why other happy adoptees don't write...they don't feel the need. So.... a documentation of how I was feeling at the time of waiting for adoption of a child.

I was shocked at the amount of whining, sad, angry, political, frivolous and meaningless blogs....but what else are people supposed to write about? I found power in the other parents who were waiting but we were all in the sad category most of the time....we all waited for the "call".

After we got "the call", our lives changed. So did the things I think about. I was afraid, nervous, excited, elated....so many emotions all in one. I'll write about that another day...but the things I wrote here made a change as well.

No longer was it about the wait and silly ideas and stupid ramblings of thought..... it was all important. A documentation of how I felt about the whole thing. On Friday May 26th 2006 I wrote:

WE WERE MATCHED!!!!!

We will be parents in one week! She's already here and ready to be our baby..............More later!!!!

And nothing was the same. And in the months to follow I began to think about how great my own adoption was. How my parents were the best I could have ever wanted. I wanted to be the same kind of parent.... accepting, loving, kind, gentle....etc. I wrote things like this and this
and this. It was all about love....still is. But that's about the same time when people started leaving nasty comments. (most now have been deleted...some by a troubled birthmom who has now sort of fallen off the negative blog scene)...that led to a few more (guess she was spreading the word). So, this blog started being me defending myself for adopting after being adopted. That was futile though, these women were adamant about disliking me because I adopted and I claimed to be a happy adoptee. They have nothing better to do than to be hateful I guess and try to make others like them.

So this blog took on another tone....after I decided I don't have to "explain myself" and make these women see my point of view as valid. My point of view IS valid and I'm probably more pshychologically healthy than most of these women.

So this is My happy adoptee/ happy adopted mom blog and i think the same as the first day I wrote...

I don't really care what anybody thinks about me. I'm the one that has to answer to God and what other people think has no bearing on my eternity.....

When I was Born

When I was born my biological mother held me, fed me and had a day to say goodbye. I wish all adoptees could be so loved and all biomoms could have the opportunity to feel the the way my biomom felt. Maybe that's why I've been happy, I started off in the right way and then had awesome parents who pushed me to be the best I could be...whatever that was.

The Graying of Truth

"Truth is whatever you believe."

"There is no absolute truth."

"If there were such a thing as absolute truth, how could we know what it is?"

"People who believe in absolute truth are dangerous."

You hear these things being said when talking about truth. Oddly enough, those who claim there is no such thing as absolute truth are making daily decisions based on what they think is true and false. We all do it....we turn on a light believing in the truth and the reality of electricity. We drive a car with the truth and certainty that the engine runs on gas, oil, parts, etc. If you were getting brain surgery you would definitely want the doctor's truth to be that he has a medical degree and he can do the work.
These are all truths....there is no gray area.

Steve Turner wrote a parody of this attitude in society about truth:

I believe that each man must find the truth that is right for him.

Reality will adapt accordingly.

The universe will readjust. History will alter.

I believe that there is no absolute truth excepting the truth that there is no absolute truth.

Why do people run from truth? Mike Yaconelli, an American writer writes:

Because the pain of knowing who we are is so great, we spend a lifetime running from ourselves. We have become experts in dodging, avoiding, hiding, pretending, covering, running, protecting, eluding, escaping, averting, evading the real us. This 'Great Escape' from ourselves is the way most of us have chosen to live our lives, because it is the way of less pain.

There are certain truths that cannot be dulled....there is black and white and people need to start standing up for the absolute truth. Can you imagine the chaos there would be if there were no absolute truths? The law of gravity is a good example.....take a step - it's an absolute truth. If someone says there is no absolute truth ask them if they are absolutelty sure of that.

The problem with the denial of absolute truth is the fact that all humans have limited knowledge. As humans with a limited and finite mind we cannot logically make absolute negative statements. A person cannot logically say "there is no God" because they would have to have absolute knowledge of the entire universe from beginning to end to do so.

If there are no absolute standards then it is just as okay to kill who you do not like as it is not to. Or stealing is just as right as not stealing, cruelty would be equal to kindness. There has to be absolute truths to live our lives.

One person's truth..... it's the idea that is graying down our society......

Famous Adoptees

There are many famous adoptees....
click HERE to watch a short clip.

I didn't know how many awesome adoptees are out there...
Click HERE for another list

Click HERE for another site of famous adoptees

And HERE for still another

It's amazing how many of us turned out all right since
there are people that feel that it ruins everyone's life.

My Bio-1/2 sibs

It's amazing to me how different we are, how utterly different 2 people who I have blood-ties to can be.

I have very dark, coarse, curly hair - they have blond thin straight hair.
I love meat and they are vegetarians
I am a Christian, they are into new age and tarot cards
I am an actress & singer, they are quiet and can't sing a note

they go on and on....no one would ever guess we have 1/2 the same DNA

My cousin

If you have read any of my story you know we have A LOT of adopted people scattered throughout my family for four generations. My cousin was adopted after a biological brother was born. She always knew she was adopted and got along with her family very well. Her a-dad was always aloof with the whole family though - none of us ever really got along with him.

When she was 14 her aunt, who's a nun, was visiting from California (the order had moved her a few years previously). My cousin came to the dinner table and her aunt said (without thinking) "you look so much like your mom". Now in any other sicumbstance it would not hav ebeen a big deal but they all knew she was adopted. My cousin said "what do you mean?"----but the subject was changed....dropped.

After dinner she pressed her aunt what was meant by the comment and it turned out she was a teacher at her biomom's highschool and did some private tutoring in her home before she gave birth. The girl was 14 and was pulled from school as soon as she was "showing".
The aunt knew that her sister and brother in-law were adopting a baby girl and at the same time the 14 year old was telling the aunt that she was happy that the baby was going to a great Catholic family, the mother a stay at home mom and the dad a lawyer. She was shocked when she realized they were all talking about the same baby. No one knew she was related , no-one knew what was involved the way she was. These were supposed to be sealed records....now the cat was out of the bag. The aunt was so afraid that she would spoil the whole thing she kept quiet for years about it all. But now she was seeing how much my cousin looked like her..... both at the 14 year mark.

When my cousins a-mom died she was devistated....they had become friends as well as mom and daughter. She looked up her aunt after a year or two and asked what the girl's name was....she hunted and she found her--she had a family and two other girls. My cousin adopted two boys from Russia. They all met and are now very good friends.

For her the search was easy - for many of us the search is a lot of dead ends....that does need to change.

Life is crummy....everyone has problems. Society, family, friends, relatives and aquaintences can be a disappoinment. Stop blaming adoption or circumstances or anyone....it just happens.

Life happens.

(revised- I'm sorry if this sounds snotty, I've been reading too many anti-adoption blogs this morning and it seems all the adoptees are blaming all their problems with family and life on being adopted.... it just sounds like whining to me...)

Last Mother's day journal entry

I hate mother's day.....well, not really because I love to honor my mother and mother-in-law--but I hate that it's coming and I am still not a mother myself! I have no sweet child to slobber kisses on my face or doodle a sweet little home-made card or try to make me breakfast with daddy. No child to love uncontrollable. These hallmark commercials are killing me....

However, I was reminded at church about trials this Sunday....I hate trials.....but who likes them? I sure there are some misguided oddballs out there who enjoys the hardships but not me. I know they come but please don't say i should enjoy them.....
The title of my post was going to be...

JOY IN THE JOURNEY

see how far I moved from that to hating mother's day? Pretty sad.
We all go through difficult things, Christian or not. It's the joy from within that is our saving grace (literally). God promised we would have joy in the journey not happines or wealth or even security in the worldly things - only in Him. Joy is that "thing" that is deep within that assures us there is hope with Jesus-Not the giggles or the feeling of happiness or the rush of adrenaline. It's difficult to imagine that as a Christian we can have worse trials than if we did not follow Jesus. But rest assured - you probably will. That is the nature of satan and ther result of sin. We WILL have trials. okay - enough telling myself that it's normal.
So what does this mean? well, the journey of faith is not easy---it is tested. But God is faithful and full of grace! We are called to do difficult things. but if waiting for a child is one of the worst and hardest things God will put on us then we are blessed!!
For now I am looking up, looking to the sky and not on my life... I am trusting and I am full of hope. I have joy in my journey............it is a journey that I know will come to an end in an AWESOME destination!

We got the call two weeks later.....

Happy Mother's Day!
To my mom, biomom and ME!!!
And happy mother's day to all new moms!

Tonsils

I had my tonsils out when I was 5. My tonsils gew back...have you ever hear of such a thing?
I now have acute tonsilitis and strep throat....ouch.

It made me start thinking how impressive the body is. Tonisils can grow back and skin "replaces itself". They have found that your liver can be "shared" and some of it can be donated to someone in need of one. It will regenerate itself...amazing.
Stroke victims will lose brain function until (in some cases) it will "re-route" itself and full fuction can come back.

It would be nice if this worked for other things like digits, limbs, bad eye-sight etc. They cut my hubby's uvula out - you don't see that thing growing back do you? Why does the hair on our arms stop growing but the hair on our heads don't?

I know a lady who had cancer on her nose so they took hair from the saide of her face (just in front on the top of her ear) to replace the skin they had to cut off. Did you know they want to be replaced facial skin with other facial skin because it has taken the most sun and weathering? Anyway, the skin has different hair follicles in it and now she has to shave the bridge of her nose- strange.

It's a shame phycholigical things can't be taken care of the same way. Heartbreak has no graph to repair it. The past can't be cut out and re-generated for the better....

My Foster Parent Friend

Yesterday I visited my friend who has had 6 children of her own (2 married and not living with them) and they have fostered over 100 children. She is a trauma nurse and sees the worst cases but always has enjoyed giving these unloved children as much love in the time they are given. They have adopted three children...two of which the judge said in court were "useless, throw aways" (right in front of them). They are the two sweetest boys you could ever know.

The baby she is fostering now was born to a mother of 12. She jmped out of a 2 story window with the baby (for fun) and now the baby has brain damage.
The baby she had at the beginning of the year was dunked into a pot of boiling water by her 15 year old mother because she wouldn't stop crying.

These are two of the many stories we hear from just THIS foster care mother. These poor kids need love, and who will provide it? Some will go back to these mothers who have hurt them...that blows my mind. After three or four times the state urges them to sign off on their parental rights. Are these particular children better off with these mothers?

Where do we draw the line?

The Gift of Life

I didn't give you the gift of life,
But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real,
As if it had been so.

For us to have each other
Is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you
The gift of life,
Life gave me the gift of you.
--- Unknown

Corny but sweet

The lady doth protest too much, methinks

I think fear is the first reason for people to make up stories and cast aspersions. That's okay, maybe people will learn from the stupid things they say. When there is nothing else they can say, they make something up. It's sad really. It's usually just "one itty bitty adoptee" that does it anyway.

These are all things I could have written myself...I guess others do feel the same as I do.

One poster on the Adoption Oasis forum said:

I have never understood why some adoptees become so angry with, and bitter towards, adoptive parents, on line -- and in real life. It's beyond my comprehension. In instances, where I've seen it occur, I always find myself so saddened and disturbed. I, personally, can't begin to wrap my head around how anyone could be so bitter and angry toward people who are trying their level best to do what's best in the life of a child.
It happens when someone fails to show common courtesy and respect. It happens when one side feels that their side is the only side -- the only way to see things. It happens when people fail to understand that generalizations aren't the way to express feelings and emotions and circumstances. It happens when people don't listen to one another......and only "hear" what they want to "hear" in another's words. It happens when people want to live out the "misery loves company" way of thinking -- they are unhappy and frustrated with their own individual situation, therefore, they want to make others miserable and unhappy right along with them.

Another said:

It's the attitude that SOME adoptee's have that because they have had problems in their life that our children today will have the same problems. They talk as if what happened to them, happens to all adopted children and they talk as if what they felt, our children will feel.

Still another:

but with some of the anti-attutidues out there, and things that i have read, i have to wonder how much is self-hatred....

Tell me Again about the Night I was Born Jamie Curtis

This book is so sweet. Jamie Lee Curtis is an adopted mom...also a best selling author with this book. The link gives you a site where you can listen to an excerpt of Jamie reading.

This is her own website...

The Blind wants Blindness

One disgruntled adoptee, who has commented here before, went on a "quest" (for lack of a better word) onto an adoption forum with over 400 members to ask how people really feel about there a parents. She wanted answers that would support her theories that most adoptees don't get a long with their a parents and most adoptees feel cheated. She found out she was the minority and almost every adoptee said they were happy and they could not understand how adoptees didn't get along with their a parents. It was interesting that most echoed what I've been saying on this blog all along....most of us are happy and don't have the anger issues.
i was happy she read so many that had a different view than her own, I thought she could now see there are others.

It's almost comical to me that when i looked at her blog today, she listed only a few answers she found that support her own view.

I'm not saying no one else feels the way she does....but is that all she could say after all that reading? LOOK EVERYONE, THEY ALL FEEL THE SAME WAY I DO! Is it total blindness or is it selective blindness?

I don't want everyone to believe the same as me....but I do want people to be reasonable and admit not everyone has suffered from being adopted. Blinders do not have to permanent.

This was a great reunion video:

Oh the Drama!

Everyone wants someone to blame. It's easy for adoptees to blame adoption, their a-parent's high expectations or the agencies "ripping them away" from their "real" parents. It's easy to blame anyone else for problems they have.

Who do biological children have to blame? their parents? School officials? bad relatives? sheesh....the blame game in this country is out of hand. Some adoptees live in a fantasy world were everything would be okay if you were only with their "real parents".....but guess what? They have problems too....everyone does.

I guess it's nice to have a beef...something to complain about, a cause to fight for. Why can't people use it in a more positive way and save children who live in poverty by getting mad enough to collect money to put in a well in their village, help children that are homeless...or something noble....not wasting time fighting against children being adopted into loving families.

I read some of these blogs and it's almost humorous how these people bash even their own a-parents "they couldn't get a baby in the 'natural way' so they had to adopt"....that's bashing your own a-parents - sad.

They like to say aparents are selfish? I guess it's selfish for anyone to have a baby...shame on all parents for being selfing and planning a pregnancy....who is it for? are they having a baby for the baby's sake? At least people who adopt have the baby in mind....not just themselves.

If adoptees are not looked at as grown ups or not listened to...it's not because they are adoptees - there is obviously something wrong in that relationship - either the adoptee is not worth listening to or the aparents are not very good parents --why blame adoption?

Adoptees blaming adoption for everything wrong in their life? Sometimes their own bad adoption may be to blame, I will concede that there are bad agencies and there are unscoupulous a-parents who just want a "trophy baby"...I've seen it. But how many fit this scenerio?? Come on.

I know of a couple here that have been asked to adopt a ten year old because the parents in California don't have time for him anymore (they are a doctor and a lawyer with great careers) so they were going to put him in foster care. They told this family if they adopt him they would give them $1000 a month to take care of him.....it made me so sad. That's a case of supreme selfishness....

When bad things happen and people have problems, take it for what it's worth - life. Yes, you may be adopted, you may live with your biological parents, you may have been brought up in foster care.....your life is yours and it's all about choices.....don't blame anyone for things that you can do something about today.

Adoption OASIS

Thanks to another blogger I found my way back to Adoption OASIS. I was on the site when it just started and there weren't too many postings and then I forgot about it. These woman are happy adoptees, biomoms who are at peace and aparents - they all get along, have great attititudes and treat people with respect. It's really a breath of fresh air and it makes me thrilled to know happy people do post about adoption on the internet - they just don't have blogs....

Saint Theresa's Prayer

Saint Theresa is regarded as a wonderful example by Christian and non-Christian alike...she was such a special person. She was not from India but she went there and fell in love with the country, it's people and especially the abondoned children. I am not Catholic but I know Mother Theresa should be declared a saint....She should be the patron Saint of foreign adoption!

This is actually the prayer of St. Theresa the Little Flower of Lisieux- but it is one that everyone should strive to live by...the world would be a better place if we all did:

May today there be peace within
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith
May you use those gifts that you have recieved, and pass on the love that has been given to you
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let his presence settle into your bones and allow the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

A Beautiful Post

There was a beautifully written post at Mothers Fighting for Others. A mother who adopted two children stuck in an orphanage and now has two loving parents. They love them so much, wants the very best for these two and hopes that they can do so much for them that they can go back one day and make a difference. I applaud them.
Don't read the comments though...just the post. People came out of the woodwork to try to make this beautiful post something bad and make this wonderful mom out to be a bad person.

This is pretty close to me (less about 20 pounds-this one looks anorexic) as anyone could get - I actually have this exact outfit and a picture of me like this in Js room. The only difference is J's room is white,orange and bright blue with a gerbera daisy theme.

The Numbers

2% of the U.S. population, or 5-10-million Americans, are adoptees.

-Adoption Factbook, National Council For Adoption

It's hard to imagine that many of us out there. People just don't want to accept it (as you can see by some comments). It doesn't prove anything but that we are out there.....and the percentage who write blogs who are unhappy (as real as it is for them) is small compaired to this number.

1-million children in the U.S. live with adoptive parents, and

2%-4% of American families include an adopted child.

-K.S. Stolley, 1993, in "Future of Children,"

Center for Future of Children, Los Altos, CA

New to Adoption or New to the Blog World?

So many on these blogs are mean and bitter, no doubt. They have had a bad time of it for sure but don't let it fool you. As I have said many times, there are more good expereriences than bad.

If you are new to adoption, considering adopting or if you are an adoptee that is curious how other people feel....know that the negative blogs out there are a "drop in the bucket".... there are 6 million adoptees out there and most are happy and productive people.

I'm not saying adoptees should not search. I searched but not because I was unhappy, bitter or angry. The thing is, most happy adoptees don't blog or check these blogs to see what other people are saying, so they don't show up on the radar at all. I started blogging to chronical my daughter being adopted and was amazed there were people out there SO against adoption. I was amazed at the tragedy and sadness of their stories. There have been some bad adoptions bad agencies and bad circumstances but thankfully it is a small percentage. Anyone with an ounce of brains is going to be against unethical adoptions but adoption itself is not the EVIL monster some of these people can make it out to be. I do think it's always more tragic for the biological mothers....they, of course, have lost the most . But, if there are 6 million adoptees there are 6 million biological mothers as well and many have found "peace" and live happy productive lives (still loving the children they placed, of course).

It's good to read these negative views so you see what's "out there". Just like it's good to read "bad news" in the paper but you know there's an aweful lot more "GOOD NEWS" out there--- Bad news is just not "titalating" enough for the reader. The same goes for books written about adoption...there are many more books about bad experieces...there are a few about good experiences but people just aren't as interested in the good stories so they don't get written.

The media has a lot to do with bad publicity for adoption. Adoptive Families Magazine ran a great article (click here to read) about Four Myths in the Media....very good.

For those of you waiting....I pray your wait is short and blessings on your new family.

Little Peanut

My sweety is a year old...she is walking and already plays the h*rmonica. She is a genious. I wrote her biomom a long letter about how I feel being an adopted kid as well as a lot of other things...that are private. I wanted her to know how smart I think she is because J is so smart and how much we want her to go to college...she is a very sweet and wonderful girl. We sent her a matching outfit to the one we got J for her bear - the one her biomom has. Every three months we get Js picture taken with the bear and send it to N. I hope to hear back from her and see how she's doing.

J is the love of our lives!!---We CANNOT believe she's already 1!!!! Happy Birthday Peanut!!!

I Can't Stand It!!

A senior woman came into my office yesterday, looked t my daughter's picture on my desk and, with "that look", said "I can't believe..." -- I stopped her with my own look. I knew what she was going to say...I've heard it before here. She was about to say "I can't believe anyone would give up a child....".

Oh.....this is a big no no with me here and people that work here know it...one gal used to do it until I blew up at her and told her she was ignorant and knew nothing about the whole process.

With this woman yesterday I broke in before her offensive words could burn my ears and I said "you just never know the circumstances", "It's heart wrenching for these women...they love these children". She was flustered and taken back by my interruption and the bluntness of it. But I can't STAND that....it is worse than "she's so lucky to have you" (which she followed up with by the way) and I say, "no, we are blessed that she's our daughter".....period.

I don't mind at all when they say ..."you're so lucky....kids are so great"...or "she's so cute...you must be so proud" Or "you must be so happy"..... those things are appropriate... but why would you say those other things - even if you think it?
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On another note.... I was brought up to be polite, I was told it's wrong to hurt other people's feelings and I believe it is. I was the friend of the underdog in school...not because I hated the top guy but because I do see (or try to see) the good in people. As kids there is at least some good in all of us (in those days anyway).
As we get older we get "tainted" in one way or the other. If people know me then they know I am nice to everyone...I never will purposefully hurt someone else's feelings.

I am sorry,Joy, if I offended you ...what i wrote wasn't meant as "I think Joy's parents are awful people"...I just think people are to blame somehow if another does not feel included... that's all. I did not use your name or list your blog. The only people who read my blog are my friends (who don't comment because I have asked them not to--even though it KILLS them to read the crappy comments that some people write) and strangers who must come across it, and some mean anonymous people (you know who you are - and i know who some of you are).

If you (any reader) don't like what I write, don't read this blog. I am blunt, honest and truthful but try not to be mean....sometimes me being "funny" or thoughtful may offend someone but my truth is what offends the most. I am who I am, you can all assume who that is but I know who I am.

ME:
I am a Christian (not the "make up your own rules" kind)
I am a mom
I am an artist
I am a singer
I am a Republican
I am a non-smoker
I am a middle-aged woman
I am not thin or fat
I am a person with integrity
I am thick skinned
I am sarcastic
I am an adoptee
I am pro-life, pro-American, pro-values and pro-family(which encompasses many anti things that this society is started to accept very readily)

I am NOT a writer so take that for what it's worth....these are MY thoughts and words... when I "qoute" anything I read and copy and paste... it's because it made me think and i want to talk about it here, on my blog....some of you have insulted me on your blogs - did I throw a hissy?

Something to think about....

Abortion has killed as many human beings in the last three decades than all of the wars combined...scary

A year ago

This was my post on April 26th last year....It says exactly how I still feel...but I wasn't as tainted by the other's "meaness" yet.

People amaze me

It's strange how people can complain how their views don't matter to others and they are put down, ridiculed and not listened to...but they turn around and do it to other people so easily. Anonymity gives people the right to put down and call people terrible things with no concequences. It's sad really, these are the same people who want people to not think bad of them. The biomoms hate when people look down on them for their decision because people are ignorant of what they went through....but they can turn around and act the same way?
The adoptees that are not happy want people to love them, they want to feel accepted, they want people to be nice to them --but they can turn around and treat people like crap because they have a difference of opinion.
I don't leave nasty comments on other people's blogs - but I'M the mean one? I'm the one who needs therapy? it sort of makes me chuckle. The light needs to be turned on but not on me. This is my blog...I write what i'm thinking - just as they all do on their own blogs. They don't expect to be ridiculed and neither do I.

It doesn't hurt me...when i read the comments. In fact, when i do read them I think about a mean little girl on the playground clenching her fists at her sides and stomping her foot as she stains her neck out, veins in her neck popping and spit spraying from her lips as she yells her complaints over something trivial, but meaningful to her. We all look on waiting for her to finish and know in the sceme of things....this too shall pass.

I'm not buying it...maybe I do

I read on another blog( I changed the name of the city):

Ok look if I moved to Dublin this year, and I love Dublin, and I lived there for 1,000,0000 years, I would never be Irish, I would always feel a bit on the outside, I would assimiliate, I would make great friends and have fun times and awful times, just like I would here, I would encounter a prejudice against Americans, I would attach but never become one of.

Okay, what>? I don't understand this analogy at all to prove her point. This was written by an unhappy adoptee and I understand this is the way she feels...she never felt like she fit in, i get it. I honestly believe this is her a parents faults. Her family - they may have even talked all the time about being adopted--- that's the problem. (revised to not sound so mean: I don't know this person and have no idea what her aparents are like....maybe it was her neighbor's fault or the other people she knew...shame on anyone that didn't let her feel "included")

In a way I guess this makes sense because in the mass exodus of Europe to America many people encountered bad experiences and they never felt at home in America....some returned. However, the millions of people that are in America today are desendants of people who found America better than their homeland, they felt more American than the other Americans did. During Cromwell's rein he sent English troops to gaurd the Irish but they were not allowed to talk to them or buy from them, etc. They became more Irish than the Irish themselves...embracing the culture and the people and stayed. They assimilated so well.....hmmm. We are just people then, everyone different....everyone has a different experience! Wow, that WAS a good analogy of adoption! We all have different experiences....

I've been thinking a lot about how some anti-adoptionists think that people who adopt are selfish.

If two people get married and decide to have a child is that selfish? Do they only have the child's best interest at heart?

If a person has infertility and takes drugs or does IVF is that selfish? Are they only thinking about what's best for that child?

And if a couple cannot have a biological child pursues adoption is that selfish? if you say yes --why is it? they don't go and take the child out of the arms of a biomom.....they place them in their waiting arms. They have already made the decision to place and the adopted parents are just accepting what that biomom has already decided to do.

So are all these people selfish because they want a child? Just because one child is raised by a biological mother and one is raised by an adopted mother.....all parents are selfish in that they want a child to love and bring up as a part of their family.

I don't see how anyone can see any different.

My opinion

I think people just want to spread their own misery..."why should they be the only one that is unhappy?" right? These people need a reality check---look at yourselves, take a step back. Spend your time spreading happiness instead of misery and you will find yourself happier. Do things for other people, get out more and volunteer, get counseling. People are inherently evil and only through the grace of God can we be anything close to good. Evil is evil and there are some of you out there that are just plain cruel. You hate that people make you feel like crap but what are you doing? Think about it....why be what you hate? Or is that why you hate it...because it's what you hate about yourselves?

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Doodle - Do

I live in a major Metropolitan area with over a million people. I drive on three major highways to get to work with traffic out the bajanga. Today there was a dead rooster next to the concrete barrier shoulder of the highway...a rooster. I cannot fathom where it came from and I am perplexed....a rooster.

Response to an E-mail

I had sent an E-mail to an adoption Educator I came across on the internet...she puts out a monthy adoption magazine and I mentioned the blogging community and it was suprising when I came across people who were SO against adoption that they want it to end. This was her response:

There have ALWAYS been small (proportionately) groups of visible and angry birthparents. Every generation of new adopting parents "discovers" them. CUB (Concerned United Birthmothers) and other similar groups are over 30 years old and published papers, newsletters, and letter campaigns and made television appearances then! The internet is just a new "venue," not a larger number.

I think overall that adoption has improved vastly since the 1960s for birthparents (and the other triad members) when they and adoptive parents use competent, respectful, adoption professionals who provide excellent education, counseling, and post-placement support (and certainly this does not describe all agencies and adoption attorneys).

I read an article recentlyI found very good about teaching a baby about love...

Most children form deep, loving bonds with their parents and friends from a very early age. Any adoptive parent will tell you, biology is only part of the love story. Young babies bond emotionally with people who give them regular care and affection. In fact, the first step in ensuring that your baby will bond with others is to attend to his needs in a timely fashion and let him know that she's loved. A baby is dependent on caregivers for everything from nourishment to safety, so her initial bond is very strong, explains D'Arcy Lyness, PhD, a child psychologist and psychology editor for KidsHealth.org. It also sets the standard for what a baby expects in later relationships in terms of emotional security, trust, and predictability.

Even though the baby does feel secure in the womb and can feel and hear the outside environment to an extent...it's not just biology that makes the child the person they will be.

Racism

I am not racist - I honestly believe you should judge people on the WAY the are instead of the COLOR they are or how much/little money they have etc. I guess we all have some prejudicism but I don't care what color or race people are. I do judge people on the way they act, the choices they make, the things they do - but I don't treat people bad because of the bad things they do or they wrong choices they make. Okay - with that said .... Why do people in the USA think that America invented Racism? My friend from India is from the very south - he's very dark - he said the dark, southern Indians HATE the northern lighter people. My friend from Iraq hates the Sunni because he is Shiite... My friend from Egypt had to move here becase he is a Christian and he was being discriminated against and could not get a job that would pay enough...even though he is a professor with a doctorate. My husband plays soccer with a guy who is a gypsie and none of the other guys from Europe will not even talk to him.
Palestinians and the Isreali's
The Aboriginal people in Australia,
The Innu in Canada,
even the Inuit in Alaska are mistreated.
My friend from Japan said there are many different groups of Japanese people that just don't like eachother.
The Germans used to have High and Low German speaking people - they did not like eachother at all.
All over Africa - One tribe hates the next
Birthmothers and adoptive parents (just seeing if you're paying attention)
But seriously, there are many more - all over the planet.

So for America to think that we will cure hatred, racism and bigotry is idealistic. There will always be hate in this world because there is sin...if we all do our little part we will make a better world but this is nothing new and we can't expect it all to go away.

Poeple don't listen (or they don't hear)

I just posted a comment on another blog. People don't listen to other people - what they are saying, how they feel. Everyone does have a right to their own feelings...we don't know what people have been through. I try not to tell people they are wrong they way the feel, what they have been through has formed them. I don't like that people try to tell me how I should feel...and I do believe you shouldn't force people to be a certain way. Now I relaize it works both ways - there is a line in the sand you say -"do not cross" and even that is different for most people---so it's difficult. But we should all try to respect eachother and not be mean. This reply was in response to a post by a blogger who had posted on a forum and got shot down:

"don't be suprised at what anyone does or says in any blog or forum. People have strong opinions...I know I do. I respect people for sticking to what they believe but I despise how people manipulate other people to try to make them believe something that isn't true. You have your feelings and you have a right to them...because of your life, your circumstances...be bold and say how you feel - regardless of what anyone says. That is who you are. I am all for reform (as long as people don't go overboard--don't throw the baby out with the bathwater). But, there will always be adoption because there will always be people who cannot care for their children mentally, physically or monitarily. It's a sad fact - in a perfect world everyone would have children and be able to care for them. This is not a perfect world and we have to live here the best we can. People also have to learn to live with the decisions they make, good or bad."

I really think people need to take a step back and see how what they say and do affects others. They are caught up in their own circumbstances and cannot see the forest through the trees.

Adoption Language

I think people do get a little picky with some adoption language but I think we can all agree there are just some terms that are unexceptable...such as: "Gave up", "illigitamate", "unwanted" etc.
I liked this site because it was very clear about all these terms as well as other scams and practices that should not be allowed.

Four Adoption Terms Defined

Natural child: any child who is not artificial.
Real parent: any parent who is not imaginary.
Your own child: any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted child: a natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own

OUR Child

I know this will probably make people mad but it must be said. I talked to some people yesterday about a case that a biomother is fighting for her child....after a year. She has changed her mind and is now "in a better place" in her life. I'm sorry, but if someone came forward now and said my daughter's biomom has now changed her mind I would do everything in my power to fight. This is our child now....we have raised her, cleaned her, sat up with her and loved her beyond anyone's ability to love.....our child. I know there is DNA involved, I know that she carried her in her womb. But, for whatever reason she had at the time...she made her decision and must live with it. We are now her parents. Doesn't anyone care about the adopted parents' hearts? What's best for them? And what's BEST for the child is to continue to know the only parents that child has ever known.....don't mess up the family and especially the child for God sakes!

48 Hours

I watched an old show on WE last night...an old 48 Hours. It was about a baby who had been found under a gazebo wrapped in a towel and a trash bag (1974). The girl had been adopted and had been told she was found in a trashbag...she lived with that her whole life. After her adopted mother died she searched six years, articles in the paper etc....then she registered on BIGHUGS dot com and her biomom registered six months later. They matched them and they filmed the meeting. They were so happy to meet and introduce all family. Then, as what happens with many reunions, the honeymoon period wore off and the biomom has not contacted her since. It was sad but I understood....less i guess because it was the biomom not wanting a relationship but I did understand the feelings. The daughter is okay with it....she got most of her answers.

A parent is for a lifetime

I read another blog today and this quote has stuck with me...

It’s not about “getting pregnant”–it’s about “being a parent”. “Being pregnant” lasts nine months (if you’ve got a smooth pregnancy). “Being a parent”…well, it lasts a lifetime.

DNA

DNA is such a new thing (well, new as far as they can read it now). In the not so distant past it was all about blood type and you couldn't be too sure if a person was really a parent or not. Now they can tell up to 99.99999999999999999999 percent if the child is related biologically to a particular person or not. I did the DNA test with my biodad...he was unsure and needed confirmation. It didn't change my feelings, or how we related to eachother....it was just a test about blood.

Anna Nicole Smith obviously couldn't have cared less who her baby's father was. She probably knew...who knows. But it's funny how fighting for this baby has turned into such a fiasco. If she wasn't worth 100s of millions of dollars I don't think this poor child would have a home at all. DNA has made all the difference for these people....a celebration over who has the same DNA. I don;t think it has changed Larry's feelings about the baby but it sure has made him happy that he will now have a chance at all that money.

We may all be better off without the knowledge of DNA.....

Birthdays

My birthday came and went without too much fan-fare. I got a box in my door with presents for me and little peanut from my biomom. That's very nice and very thoughtful of her but she overstepped her bounds a little by sending a granddaughter card....even the lovey-dovey daughter card was over the top. I know from these blogs that she cares a lot about me and I don't reciprocate but she knows what I have said...she knows how I feel. It has to be frustrating for her but she is pushing me farther away. My husband even said "I don't know about her".

I don't want to hurt her feelings but I have hinted around lately and in the past have come out and told her the situation. My biodad handles everything so much better and he respects my life and my privacy. Why can't she be more like that?

I sent a thank you card on the computer and did not call her. I would hate to stop communication with her but she has the tendency to smother. She sent me a large check and that always makes me uncomfortable. She also sent me a gift certificate worth quiet a bit. I wish she would just be a friend instead.

Happy Easter

The joy of Easter exceeds any sadness, any self doubt, any bitterness....when all in the world shouts of newness and hope. A life everlasting far outweighs any of these troubles on earth. No more sorrow, crying or sadness.....

To all - Happy Easter, I hope your today is filled with the best feelings, the most joy and the least pain!

Paolo Nutini

A cute Scottish (part Italian) boy who really has a unique voice....you can listen to him on his web site: Click here

Nuture vs. Nature

It's an old debate and I don't think we'll all ever agree.... this article is pretty good at explaining both sides. I thought it interesting that sense of humor comes from a learned experience...I definetly have my dad's sense of humor. The conclusion of the article... "While a gene may increase the likelihood that you'll behave in a particular way, it does not make people do things. Which means that we still get to choose who we'll be when we grow up."

Meet the Robinsons - A Disney movie in BAD taste!

I was sent the following message from our agency and I will have to say, it doesn't surprise me that Disney can be so insensative.....

We feel that it is important to warn you about a Disney movie called "Meet the Robinsons" that is now playing at many local cinemas. The advertising for this animated feature makes it sound like a great movie for any young child. Fortunately, one of our adoptive parents alerted us about the negative adoption messages in the story and the very unhappy experience she had with both of her children who were very greatly disturbed by the messages conveyed in this film. As a result, I went to see the film to decide if it warranted putting out an alert to our adoptive parent community. Indeed, I thought that the concerns raised
were completely valid. The movie is filled with extraordinarily inappropriate messages about adoption. The basic story is about an adorable baby whose birthmother
leaves him on the doorstep of an orphanage. Portrayed as loving, sweet, extremely smart and overly appealing, he spends the next 12 years of his life wanting a family and being turned down by one family after another - in all, 114 couples refuse to adopt him. One scene shows a prospective dad losing interest in adoption because this very smart little boy is more interested in science than sports. The prospective parents leave the disappointed child in a huff when he accidently splatters them with some liquid from his science project. This is supposed to be funny.

Since no one else wants him, the child invents a time machine in order to go back in time to find his birth mother. The "bad guy" in his time travel journey turns out to be his best buddy from childhood, once his orphanage roommate. Now an emotional wreck resulting from being left behind when the orphanage was closed and shut down, the once-cute orphan is now mean and devious. Another chuckle. Various monsters attack the child as he continues his birth mother search. You get the picture ! I found "Meet the Robinsons" to be both tasteless and totally insensitive regarding adoption issues. Please think very carefully before taking your child to see it, whether adopted or not. I will write the Disney Corporation to let them know about my concerns about their flippant way of dealing with issues that are extremely important and not funny for millions of adoptees and their families in this country and around the world.

Feel free to share this message with anyone who you feel might benefit from knowing about this warning.

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalms 139:15-16

Saw this on another blog and it really was something from my heart:

Our First Father knew us long before we were ever conceived. And He had a plan and purpose for our lives before we even took our first breath. Our compassionate, loving dad has been with us continually, protecting us in the womb, rejoicing over us with singing the day of our birth and adoption! And His promise to never leave us or abandon us fills us with Hope and purpose for all the precious tomorrows He has planned for our lives.
Rejoice today in knowing Who you are and Whose you are- God's child!

Divorce and the Children

I've never had anyone in my family, or any of my friends get a divorce. But, I worked with a woman who was already divorced when I met her. It was a bad divorce and the kids suffered. There were hard feelings on all sides and they lived with those feelings every day--it defined who they were and determined their actions...it was hard to watch.

My neighbor, on the other hand, was divorced when she moved in and the ex-husband came over all the time, the kids enjoyed being with them together or separately...it seemed a perfect solution to a bad situation. Everyone getting along - the exes...the new spouses, all the kids. It was nice to see them all get along. No one thought of divorce every day, no one seemed the worse for wear. They had decided to be kind to one another and treat eachother with respect.

That's how I see adoption a little bit. There are those who just can't seem to live with it, it defines them. Probably because of the circumstances, the people involved, etc. Then, there are those who are not affected by the circumstances, they don't think about it much because it has not had the bad affects on them, and the people involved are different.

All of us are made differently, affected differently by different things. I was brought up being told I was the most wonderful child, they let me make mistakes but praised me for whatever I did. I wrecked the car but my father praised me for wearing my seatbelt. I burned the bacon but they told me how good the eggs were. I guess it was just not a "train wreck" life to talk about. I almost feel guilty that I had a great life. I've been on church retreats and women are talking about how bad their parents were to them and when it comes to me I really don't have anything to say....

So, when people question me and say my life sounds a little too perfect...it wasn't THAT perfect. I did stupid things as a teenager and I talked back and fought for independance growing up. But, I guess my life was pretty great and I'm (dare I say) grateful that I had so many people around me to love me and treat me so well. It's difficult for most people to believe that I am genuine but...that's everyone else's problem. I want to give my daughter just as great of a life as I had.

There are others out there

I got a message from a potential adopted mom and she is also an adoptee - she wrote a very nice comment andshe feels the same I do. One thing she wrote really struck home:

Most importantly, adoption doesn't define me as an adoptee and I won't let it define my child. After reading negative blog after negative blog I am so thrilled to be reading your's. Thank you, I found this at a time I really needed to.

This is the reason I don't just chuck it all in and let eveyone else wallow in their misery....This is why I post the things I do and let mean people leave crappy comments. I wantwaiting adopted moms to read that it's not all bad...there are happy people who are adopted and happy.

Since people are quoting me latley...I will quote myself from February of last year - pre-baby ( i still feel this way):

I didn't want to do an international adoption because at some point, later in their lives, i want them to be able to find their bios and get their medical histories, see what they look like, meet their 1/2 siblings, etc.....like I did.

My own bio is nice, she has realized i don't want much more than an aquaintenship and she respects that - even though she wants much more. I feel sorry for her - she carried me in her for 9 months, held me, fed me and gave me up. I don't remember her, don't know her and don't feel close to her. But she doesn't hate everyone because of that. She is at peace knowing she did the right thing - they both think i've turned out much better than they could have done...... sometimes it's more than just about you....It's about a child's life...... no matter the cost

Mean Girls revisited

It's interesting how many people backed off (except a few anonymous cowards) when I wrote about mean girls. Maybe a few realized they are mean but most mean people don't realize they were/are mean. They live their lives making a pathway of misery for people and never know it. They may never know that people talk about them behind their backs about how they aren't liked because of their "sucky" attitudes. I have seen it with my own eyes...all talking and laughing and the minute one of them walks away...the other girls talk about how they "can't stand her".....I hate that. I am who I am and am no different behind closed doors.

I was recently at a high school reunion and some of the "mean girls" were there. The first thing I noticed is they were "worn" looking, tired, haggard. It's work being mean and holding animosity towards the world. What made them be that way? Was it bad parents? Was it bad relationships? Something to prove? Maybe they are just sad, hurt and want relief by causing other people to hurt worse.... I don't know. A few must have had revelations and they had become different, they even looked different around the eyes - not so hard.

I graduated in a class of 99 and there were only about 50 there but there was a good mix of the jocks, mean girls and the "brains". One girl works now for NASA. She worked in Russian for a long time on the space station, she married a goat farmer from Turkey...she was the Valedictorian and weighed about 340 pounds in high school. She was one of the nicest girls, we were friends but the mean girls taunted her back then. She's now about 135 pounds and cute as a button...guess who flocked around her? Guess who wanted now to be her friend? She hung out with us most of the night...she wanted no part of them, but was cordial. The mean girls had a deep affect on her and I'm sure they will never know how they hurt her or care.

We live in different worlds, them and I. We think differently, act differently. They still are difficult, hateful and shrewish at times. I guess we can all get that way - but to them, it's a way of life--but they don't see it. We all see it from the outside looking in.....most of the bad comments are from people who are just the same. They see themselves as normal, happy people but they are not. They live to tear others down so that they feel better about themselves. The worse the comments are the worse I feel for them...how bad and miserable their lives must be.

They will never know that they are a mean girl.

UPDATE:
I deleted this post - but I will list it here...it makes me laugh. I don't go on their blogs (well this smart alec says she doesn't have one - but I know who it is) and bad mouth them and bring them down - but she is accusing me of being a mean girl...makes me laugh....

you are mean. and hateful and two faced and a liar and you want your daughter to lie to your fake parents about knowing your real parents. you truly make me sick. i dont have a blog. i do not want one. so i remain anonymous.

My Friend

I have a friend who is a bio mom. She is a Christian and has a great husband and a beautiful daughter who is the BEST kid (they really did a great job with her!). A few years ago she wrote a letter to the agency that helped her with the placement of her son. After making sure it was okay with him and his a-parents, they gave her a phone number and she got to talk with him. They called each other periodically the last few years to talk about their lives. It's not my business to write details about their relationship but I do know she is at peace with the decision she made that many years ago. She thinks of him, of course. She wonderes about his life, I'm sure. But she has been a big influence in my life. I think we have helped each other really....I hope. We have talked about our feelings-- all that adoption does, can do, what it SHOULD be about. Mostly though, she is just my friend. She "gets me", I "get her"....we don't smother each other, we are not needy, we both have a weird sense of humor we don't need to explain.

You have many acquaintances in your life but few good friends.....I'm lucky to have her.

Is Anyone Else Concerned?

We have had a government capture allied soldiers and hold them....forcing them to confess to a crime they did not commit (Even the numbers they gave the British showed they were NOT in their waters). Instead of doing anything about it...the British Government is "upset", the presidential hopefuls are silent (on both sides), and Nancy Pelosi has gone over to Bagdad to meet with Nouri al-Maliki as some "goodwill ambassador"? And she will meet with Syrian leaders, when she visits Damascus this week, to have "peace talks". Who is she? Jessie Jackson? She just decides to go over to Alqida supporters and talk to them? She should be tried for treason meeting with alqida and sympathizing with them. How dare she... And NO ONE reports it...the liberal media step back and doesn't say a word......ARG!